Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter X

by Leo Tolstoy

　　Pierre went on with his diary, and this is what he wrote in itduring that time:

　　24th November

　　Got up at eight, read the Scriptures, then went to my duties. [ByJoseph Alexeevich's advice Pierre had entered the service of the stateand served on one of the committees.] Returned home for dinner anddined alone- the countess had many visitors I do not like. I ate anddrank moderately and after dinner copied out some passages for theBrothers. In the evening I went down to the countess and told afunny story about B., and only remembered that I ought not to havedone so when everybody laughed loudly at it.

　　I am going to bed with a happy and tranquil mind. Great God, help meto walk in Thy paths, (1) to conquer anger by calmness anddeliberation, (2) to vanquish lust by self-restraint and repulsion,(3) to withdraw from worldliness, but not avoid (a) the service of thestate, (b) family duties, (c) relations with my friends, and themanagement of my affairs.

　　27th November

　　I got up late. On waking I lay long in bed yielding to sloth. O God,help and strengthen me that I may walk in Thy ways! Read theScriptures, but without proper feeling. Brother Urusov came and wetalked about worldly vanities. He told me of the Emperor's newprojects. I began to criticize them, but remembered my rules and mybenefactor's words- that a true Freemason should be a zealous workerfor the state when his aid is required and a quiet onlooker when notcalled on to assist. My tongue is my enemy. Brothers G. V. and O.visited me and we had a preliminary talk about the reception of anew Brother. They laid on me the duty of Rhetor. I feel myself weakand unworthy. Then our talk turned to the interpretation of theseven pillars and steps of the Temple, the seven sciences, the sevenvirtues, the seven vices, and the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit.Brother O. was very eloquent. In the evening the admission took place.The new decoration of the Premises contributed much to themagnificence of the spectacle. It was Boris Drubetskoy who wasadmitted. I nominated him and was the Rhetor. A strange feelingagitated me all the time I was alone with him in the dark chamber. Icaught myself harboring a feeling of hatred toward him which Ivainly tried to overcome. That is why I should really like to save himfrom evil and lead him into the path of truth, but evil thoughts ofhim did not leave me. It seemed to me that his object in enteringthe Brotherhood was merely to be intimate and in favor with members ofour lodge. Apart from the fact that he had asked me several timeswhether N. and S. were members of our lodge (a question to which Icould not reply) and that according to my observation he isincapable of feeling respect for our holy order and is too preoccupiedand satisfied with the outer man to desire spiritual improvement, Ihad no cause to doubt him, but he seemed to me insincere, and allthe time I stood alone with him in the dark temple it seemed to methat he was smiling contemptuously at my words, and I wished really tostab his bare breast with the sword I held to it. I could not beeloquent, nor could I frankly mention my doubts to the Brothers and tothe Grand Master. Great Architect of Nature, help me to find thetrue path out of the labyrinth of lies!

　　After this, three pages were left blank in the diary, and thenthe following was written:

　　I have had a long and instructive talk alone with Brother V., whoadvised me to hold fast by brother A. Though I am unworthy, much wasrevealed to me. Adonai is the name of the creator of the world. Elohimis the name of the ruler of all. The third name is the nameunutterable which means the All. Talks with Brother V. strengthen,refresh, and support me in the path of virtue. In his presence doubthas no place. The distinction between the poor teachings of mundanescience and our sacred all-embracing teaching is clear to me. Humansciences dissect everything to comprehend it, and kill everything toexamine it. In the holy science of our order all is one, all isknown in its entirety and life. The Trinity- the three elements ofmatter- are sulphur, mercury, and salt. Sulphur is of an oily andfiery nature; in combination with salt by its fiery nature itarouses a desire in the latter by means of which it attractsmercury, seizes it, holds it, and in combination produces otherbodies. Mercury is a fluid, volatile, spiritual essence. Christ, theHoly Spirit, Him!...

　　3rd December

　　Awoke late, read the Scriptures but was apathetic. Afterwards wentand paced up and down the large hall. I wished to meditate, butinstead my imagination pictured an occurrence of four years ago,when Dolokhov, meeting me in Moscow after our duel, said he hoped Iwas enjoying perfect peace of mind in spite of my wife's absence. Atthe time I gave him no answer. Now I recalled every detail of thatmeeting and in my mind gave him the most malevolent and bitterreplies. I recollected myself and drove away that thought only whenI found myself glowing with anger, but I did not sufficientlyrepent. Afterwards Boris Drubetskoy came and began relating variousadventures. His coming vexed me from the first, and I said somethingdisagreeable to him. He replied. I flared up and said much that wasunpleasant and even rude to him. He became silent, and I recollectedmyself only when it was too late. My God, I cannot get on with himat all. The cause of this is my egotism. I set myself above him and sobecome much worse than he, for he is lenient to my rudeness while I onthe contrary nourish contempt for him. O God, grant that in hispresence I may rather see my own vileness, and behave so that he toomay benefit. After dinner I fell asleep and as I was drowsing off Iclearly heard a voice saying in my left ear, "Thy day!"

　　I dreamed that I was walking in the dark and was suddenly surroundedby dogs, but I went on undismayed. Suddenly a smallish dog seized myleft thigh with its teeth and would not let go. I began to throttle itwith my hands. Scarcely had I torn it off before another, a biggerone, began biting me. I lifted it up, but the higher I lifted it thebigger and heavier it grew. And suddenly Brother A. came and, takingmy arm, led me to a building to enter which we had to pass along anarrow plank. I stepped on it, but it bent and gave way and I began toclamber up a fence which I could scarcely reach with my hands. Aftermuch effort I dragged myself up, so that my leg hung down on oneside and my body on the other. I looked round and saw Brother A.standing on the fence and pointing me to a broad avenue and garden,and in the garden was a large and beautiful building. I woke up. OLord, great Architect of Nature, help me to tear from myself thesedogs- my passions especially the last, which unites in itself thestrength of all the former ones, and aid me to enter that temple ofvirtue to a vision of which I attained in my dream.

　　7th December

　　I dreamed that Joseph Alexeevich was sitting in my house, and that Iwas very glad and wished to entertain him. It seemed as if I chatteredincessantly with other people and suddenly remembered that thiscould not please him, and I wished to come close to him and embracehim. But as soon as I drew near I saw that his face had changed andgrown young, and he was quietly telling me something about theteaching of our order, but so softly that I could not hear it. Then itseemed that we all left the room and something strange happened. Wewere sitting or lying on the floor. He was telling me something, and Iwished to show him my sensibility, and not listening to what he wassaying I began picturing to myself the condition of my inner man andthe grace of God sanctifying me. And tears came into my eyes, and Iwas glad he noticed this. But be looked at me with vexation and jumpedup, breaking off his remarks. I felt abashed and asked whether what hehad been saying did not concern me; but he did not reply, gave me akind look, and then we suddenly found ourselves in my bedroom wherethere is a double bed. He lay down on the edge of it and I burned withlonging to caress him and lie down too. And he said, "Tell mefrankly what is your chief temptation? Do you know it? I think youknow it already." Abashed by this question, I replied that sloth wasmy chief temptation. He shook his head incredulously; and even moreabashed, I said that though I was living with my wife as he advised, Iwas not living with her as her husband. To this he replied that oneshould not deprive a wife of one's embraces and gave me tounderstand that that was my duty. But I replied that I should beashamed to do it, and suddenly everything vanished. And I awoke andfound in my mind the text from the Gospel: "The life was the lightof men. And the light shineth in darkness; and the darknesscomprehended it not." Joseph Alexeevich's face had looked young andbright. That day I received a letter from my benefactor in which hewrote about "conjugal duties."

　　9th December

　　I had a dream from which I awoke with a throbbing heart. I sawthat I was in Moscow in my house, in the big sitting room, andJoseph Alexeevich came in from the drawing room. I seemed to know atonce that the process of regeneration had already taken place inhim, and I rushed to meet him. I embraced him and kissed his hands,and he said, "Hast thou noticed that my face is different?" I lookedat him, still holding him in my arms, and saw that his face was young,but that he had no hair on his head and his features were quitechanged. And I said, "I should have known you had I met you bychance," and I thought to myself, "Am I telling the truth?" Andsuddenly I saw him lying like a dead body; then he gradually recoveredand went with me into my study carrying a large book of sheets ofdrawing paper; I said, "I drew that," and he answered by bowing hishead. I opened the book, and on all the pages there were excellentdrawings. And in my dream I knew that these drawings represented thelove adventures of the soul with its beloved. And on its pages I saw abeautiful representation of a maiden in transparent garments andwith a transparent body, flying up to the clouds. And I seemed to knowthat this maiden was nothing else than a representation of the Song ofSongs. And looking at those drawings I dreamed I felt that I was doingwrong, but could not tear myself away from them. Lord, help me! MyGod, if Thy forsaking me is Thy doing, Thy will be done; but if I ammyself the cause, teach me what I should do! I shall perish of mydebauchery if Thou utterly desertest me!