Book Six: 1808-10 - Chapter XII

by Leo Tolstoy

　　Natasha was sixteen and it was the year 1809, the very year to whichshe had counted on her fingers with Boris after they had kissed fouryears ago. Since then she had not seen him. Before Sonya and hermother, if Boris happened to be mentioned, she spoke quite freely ofthat episode as of some childish, long-forgotten matter that was notworth mentioning. But in the secret depths of her soul the questionwhether her engagement to Boris was a jest or an important, bindingpromise tormented her.

　　Since Boris left Moscow in 1805 to join the army he had had not seenthe Rostovs. He had been in Moscow several times, and had passednear Otradnoe, but had never been to see them.

　　Sometimes it occurred to Natasha that he not wish to see her, andthis conjecture was confirmed by the sad tone in which her eldersspoke of him.

　　"Nowadays old friends are not remembered," the countess would saywhen Boris was mentioned.

　　Anna Mikhaylovna also had of late visited them less frequently,seemed to hold herself with particular dignity, and always spokerapturously and gratefully of the merits of her son and thebrilliant career on which he had entered. When the Rostovs came toPetersburg Boris called on them.

　　He drove to their house in some agitation. The memory of Natasha washis most poetic recollection. But he went with the firm intention ofletting her and her parents feel that the childish relations betweenhimself and Natasha could not be binding either on her or on him. Hehad a brilliant position in society thanks to his intimacy withCountess Bezukhova, a brilliant position in the service thanks tothe patronage of an important personage whose complete confidence heenjoyed, and he was beginning to make plans for marrying one of therichest heiresses in Petersburg, plans which might very easily berealized. When he entered the Rostovs' drawing room Natasha was in herown room. When she heard of his arrival she almost ran into thedrawing room, flushed and beaming with a more than cordial smile.

　　Boris remembered Natasha in a short dress, with dark eyes shiningfrom under her curls and boisterous, childish laughter, as he hadknown her four years before; and so he was taken aback when quite adifferent Natasha entered, and his face expressed rapturousastonishment. This expression on his face pleased Natasha.

　　"Well, do you recognize your little madcap playmate?" asked thecountess.

　　Boris kissed Natasha's hand and said that he was astonished at thechange in her.

　　"How handsome you have grown!"

　　"I should think so!" replied Natasha's laughing eyes.

　　"And is Papa older?" she asked.

　　Natasha sat down and, without joining in Boris' conversation withthe countess, silently and minutely studied her childhood's suitor. Hefelt the weight of that resolute and affectionate scrutiny and glancedat her occasionally.

　　Boris' uniform, spurs, tie, and the way his hair was brushed wereall comme il faut and in the latest fashion. This Natasha noticed atonce. He sat rather sideways in the armchair next to the countess,arranging with his right hand the cleanest of gloves that fitted hisleft hand like a skin, and he spoke with a particularly refinedcompression of his lips about the amusements of the highest Petersburgsociety, recalling with mild irony old times in Moscow and Moscowacquaintances. It was not accidentally, Natasha felt, that he alluded,when speaking of the highest aristocracy, to an ambassador's ball hehad attended, and to invitations he had received from N.N. and S.S.

　　All this time Natasha sat silent, glancing up at him from underher brows. This gaze disturbed and confused Boris more and more. Helooked round more frequently toward her, and broke off in what hewas saying. He did not stay more than ten minutes, then rose andtook his leave. The same inquisitive, challenging, and rathermocking eyes still looked at him. After his first visit Boris saidto himself that Natasha attracted him just as much as ever, but thathe must not yield to that feeling, because to marry her, a girl almostwithout fortune, would mean ruin to his career, while to renew theirformer relations without intending to marry her would be dishonorable.Boris made up his mind to avoid meeting Natasha, but despite thatresolution he called again a few days later and began calling oftenand spending whole days at the Rostovs'. It seemed to him that heought to have an explanation with Natasha and tell her that the oldtimes must be forgotten, that in spite of everything... she couldnot be his wife, that he had no means, and they would never let hermarry him. But he failed to do so and felt awkward about entering onsuch an explanation. From day to day he became more and moreentangled. It seemed to her mother and Sonya that Natasha was inlove with Boris as of old. She sang him his favorite songs, showed himher album, making him write in it, did not allow him to allude tothe past, letting it be understood how was the present; and everyday he went away in a fog, without having said what he meant to, andnot knowing what he was doing or why he came, or how it would all end.He left off visiting Helene and received reproachful notes from herevery day, and yet he continued to spend whole days with the Rostovs.