Book Twelve: 1812 - Chapter VIII

by Leo Tolstoy

　　Sonya's letter written from Troitsa, which had come as an answerto Nicholas' prayer, was prompted by this: the thought of gettingNicholas married to an heiress occupied the old countess' mind moreand more. She knew that Sonya was the chief obstacle to thishappening, and Sonya's life in the countess' house had grown harderand harder, especially after they had received a letter fromNicholas telling of his meeting with Princess Mary in Bogucharovo. Thecountess let no occasion slip of making humiliating or cruel allusionsto Sonya.

　　But a few days before they left Moscow, moved and excited by allthat was going on, she called Sonya to her and, instead of reproachingand making demands on her, tearfully implored her to sacrifice herselfand repay all that the family had done for her by breaking off herengagement with Nicholas.

　　"I shall not be at peace till you promise me this."

　　Sonya burst into hysterical tears and replied through her sobsthat she would do anything and was prepared for anything, but gaveno actual promise and could not bring herself to decide to do what wasdemanded of her. She must sacrifice herself for the family that hadreared and brought her up. To sacrifice herself for others was Sonya'shabit. Her position in the house was such that only by sacrifice couldshe show her worth, and she was accustomed to this and loved doing it.But in all her former acts of self-sacrifice she had been happilyconscious that they raised her in her own esteem and in that ofothers, and so made her more worthy of Nicholas whom she loved morethan anything in the world. But now they wanted her to sacrifice thevery thing that constituted the whole reward for her self-sacrificeand the whole meaning of her life. And for the first time she feltbitterness against those who had been her benefactors only totorture her the more painfully; she felt jealous of Natasha who hadnever experienced anything of this sort, had never needed to sacrificeherself, but made others sacrifice themselves for her and yet wasbeloved by everybody. And for the first time Sonya felt that out ofher pure, quiet love for Nicholas a passionate feeling was beginningto grow up which was stronger than principle, virtue, or religion.Under the influence of this feeling Sonya, whose life of dependencehad taught her involuntarily to be secretive, having answered thecountess in vague general terms, avoided talking with her and resolvedto wait till she should see Nicholas, not in order to set him free buton the contrary at that meeting to bind him to her forever.

　　The bustle and terror of the Rostovs' last days in Moscow stifledthe gloomy thoughts that oppressed Sonya. She was glad to findescape from them in practical activity. But when she heard of PrinceAndrew's presence in their house, despite her sincere pity for him andfor Natasha, she was seized by a joyful and superstitious feeling thatGod did not intend her to be separated from Nicholas. She knew thatNatasha loved no one but Prince Andrew and had never ceased to lovehim. She knew that being thrown together again under such terriblecircumstances they would again fall in love with one another, and thatNicholas would then not be able to marry Princess Mary as they wouldbe within the prohibited degrees of affinity. Despite all the terrorof what had happened during those last days and during the firstdays of their journey, this feeling that Providence was intervening inher personal affairs cheered Sonya.

　　At the Troitsa monastery the Rostovs first broke their journey for awhole day.

　　Three large rooms were assigned to them in the monastery hostelry,one of which was occupied by Prince Andrew. The wounded man was muchbetter that day and Natasha was sitting with him. In the next room satthe count and countess respectfully conversing with the prior, who wascalling on them as old acquaintances and benefactors of the monastery.Sonya was there too, tormented by curiosity as to what Prince Andrewand Natasha were talking about. She heard the sound of their voicesthrough the door. That door opened and Natasha came out, lookingexcited. Not noticing the monk, who had risen to greet her and wasdrawing back the wide sleeve on his right arm, she went up to Sonyaand took her hand.

　　"Natasha, what are you about? Come here!" said the countess.

　　Natasha went up to the monk for his blessing, and advised her topray for aid to God and His saint.

　　As soon as the prior withdrew, Natasha took her friend by the handand went with her into the unoccupied room.

　　"Sonya, will he live?" she asked. "Sonya, how happy I am, and howunhappy!... Sonya, dovey, everything is as it used to be. If only helives! He cannot... because... because... of" and Natasha burst intotears.

　　"Yes! I knew it! Thank God!" murmured Sonya. "He will live."

　　Sonya was not less agitated than her friend by the latter's fear andgrief and by her own personal feelings which she shared with no one.Sobbing, she kissed and comforted Natasha. "If only he lives!" shethought. Having wept, talked, and wiped away their tears, the twofriends went together to Prince Andrew's door. Natasha opened itcautiously and glanced into the room, Sonya standing beside her at thehalf-open door.

　　Prince Andrew was lying raised high on three pillows. His paleface was calm, his eyes closed, and they could see his regularbreathing.

　　"O, Natasha!" Sonya suddenly almost screamed, catching hercompanion's arm and stepping back from the door.

　　"What? What is it?" asked Natasha.

　　"It's that, that..." said Sonya, with a white face and tremblinglips.

　　Natasha softly closed the door and went with Sonya to the window,not yet understanding what the latter was telling her.

　　"You remember," said Sonya with a solemn and frightenedexpression. "You remember when I looked in the mirror for you... atOtradnoe at Christmas? Do you remember what I saw?"

　　"Yes, yes!" cried Natasha opening her eyes wide, and vaguelyrecalling that Sonya had told her something about Prince Andrew whomshe had seen lying down.

　　"You remember?" Sonya went on. "I saw it then and told everybody,you and Dunyasha. I saw him lying on a bed," said she, making agesture with her hand and a lifted finger at each detail, "and that hehad his eyes closed and was covered just with a pink quilt, and thathis hands were folded," she concluded, convincing herself that thedetails she had just seen were exactly what she had seen in themirror.

　　She had in fact seen nothing then but had mentioned the firstthing that came into her head, but what she had invented then seemedto her now as real as any other recollection. She not onlyremembered what she had then said- that he turned to look at her andsmiled and was covered with something red- but was firmly convincedthat she had then seen and said that he was covered with a pinkquilt and that his eyes were closed.

　　"Yes, yes, it really was pink!" cried Natasha, who now thought shetoo remembered the word pink being used, and saw in this the mostextraordinary and mysterious part of the prediction.

　　"But what does it mean?" she added meditatively.

　　"Oh, I don't know, it is all so strange," replied Sonya, clutchingat her head.

　　A few minutes later Prince Andrew rang and Natasha went to him,but Sonya, feeling unusually excited and touched, remained at thewindow thinking about the strangeness of what had occurred.

　　They had an opportunity that day to send letters to the army, andthe countess was writing to her son.

　　"Sonya!" said the countess, raising her eyes from her letter asher niece passed, "Sonya, won't you write to Nicholas?" She spoke in asoft, tremulous voice, and in the weary eyes that looked over herspectacles Sonya read all that the countess meant to convey with thesewords. Those eyes expressed entreaty, shame at having to ask, fearof a refusal, and readiness for relentless hatred in case of suchrefusal.

　　Sonya went up to the countess and, kneeling down, kissed her hand.

　　"Yes, Mamma, I will write," said she.

　　Sonya was softened, excited, and touched by all that had occurredthat day, especially by the mysterious fulfillment she had just seenof her vision. Now that she knew that the renewal of Natasha'srelations with Prince Andrew would prevent Nicholas from marryingPrincess Mary, she was joyfully conscious of a return of thatself-sacrificing spirit in which she was accustomed to live andloved to live. So with a joyful consciousness of performing amagnanimous deed- interrupted several times by the tears that dimmedher velvety black eyes- she wrote that touching letter the arrivalof which had so amazed Nicholas.