First Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter VI

by Leo Tolstoy

　　At the beginning of winter Princess Mary came to Moscow. Fromreports current in town she learned how the Rostovs were situated, andhow "the son has sacrificed himself for his mother," as people weresaying.

　　"I never expected anything else of him," said Princess Mary toherself, feeling a joyous sense of her love for him. Remembering herfriendly relations with all the Rostovs which had made her almost amember of the family, she thought it her duty to go to see them. Butremembering her relations with Nicholas in Voronezh she was shyabout doing so. Making a great effort she did however go to call onthem a few weeks after her arrival in Moscow.

　　Nicholas was the first to meet her, as the countess' room could onlybe reached through his. But instead of being greeted with pleasureas she had expected, at his first glance at her his face assumed acold, stiff, proud expression she had not seen on it before. Heinquired about her health, led the way to his mother, and having satthere for five minutes left the room.

　　When the princess came out of the countess' room Nicholas met heragain, and with marked solemnity and stiffness accompanied her tothe anteroom. To her remarks about his mother's health he made noreply. "What's that to you? Leave me in peace," his looks seemed tosay.

　　"Why does she come prowling here? What does she want? I can't bearthese ladies and all these civilities!" said he aloud in Sonya'spresence, evidently unable to repress his vexation, after theprincess' carriage had disappeared.

　　"Oh, Nicholas, how can you talk like that?" cried Sonya, hardly ableto conceal her delight. "She is so kind and Mamma is so fond of her!"

　　Nicholas did not reply and tried to avoid speaking of the princessany more. But after her visit the old countess spoke of her severaltimes a day.

　　She sang her praises, insisted that her son must call on her,expressed a wish to see her often, but yet always became ill-humoredwhen she began to talk about her.

　　Nicholas tried to keep silence when his mother spoke of theprincess, but his silence irritated her.

　　"She is a very admirable and excellent young woman," said she,"and you must go and call on her. You would at least be seeingsomebody, and I think it must be dull for you only seeing us."

　　"But I don't in the least want to, Mamma."

　　"You used to want to, and now you don't. Really I don't understandyou, my dear. One day you are dull, and the next you refuse to seeanyone."

　　"But I never said I was dull."

　　"Why, you said yourself you don't want even to see her. She is avery admirable young woman and you always liked her, but nowsuddenly you have got some notion or other in your head. You hideeverything from me."

　　"Not at all, Mamma."

　　"If I were asking you to do something disagreeable now- but I onlyask you to return a call. One would think mere politeness requiredit.... Well, I have asked you, and now I won't interfere any moresince you have secrets from your mother."

　　"Well, then, I'll go if you wish it."

　　"It doesn't matter to me. I only wish it for your sake."

　　Nicholas sighed, bit his mustache, and laid out the cards for apatience, trying to divert his mother's attention to another topic.

　　The same conversation was repeated next day and the day after, andthe day after that.

　　After her visit to the Rostovs and her unexpectedly chilly receptionby Nicholas, Princess Mary confessed to herself that she had beenright in not wishing to be the first to call.

　　"I expected nothing else," she told herself, calling her pride toher aid. "I have nothing to do with him and I only wanted to see theold lady, who was always kind to me and to whom I am under manyobligations."

　　But she could not pacify herself with these reflections; a feelingakin to remorse troubled her when she thought of her visit. Though shehad firmly resolved not to call on the Rostovs again and to forget thewhole matter, she felt herself all the time in an awkward position.And when she asked herself what distressed her, she had to admitthat it was her relation to Rostov. His cold, polite manner did notexpress his feeling for her (she knew that) but it concealedsomething, and until she could discover what that something was, shefelt that she could not be at ease.

　　One day in midwinter when sitting in the schoolroom attending to hernephew's lessons, she was informed that Rostov had called. With a firmresolution not to betray herself and not show her agitation, shesent for Mademoiselle Bourienne and went with her to the drawing room.

　　Her first glance at Nicholas' face told her that he had only come tofulfill the demands of politeness, and she firmly resolved to maintainthe tone in which he addressed her.

　　They spoke of the countess' health, of their mutual friends, ofthe latest war news, and when the ten minutes required by proprietyhad elapsed after which a visitor may rise, Nicholas got up to saygood-by.

　　With Mademoiselle Bourienne's help the princess had maintained theconversation very well, but at the very last moment, just when herose, she was so tired of talking of what did not interest her, andher mind was so full of the question why she alone was granted solittle happiness in life, that in a fit of absent-mindedness she satstill, her luminous eyes gazing fixedly before her, not noticingthat he had risen.

　　Nicholas glanced at her and, wishing to appear not to notice herabstraction, made some remark to Mademoiselle Bourienne and then againlooked at the princess. She still sat motionless with a look ofsuffering on her gentle face. He suddenly felt sorry for her and wasvaguely conscious that he might be the cause of the sadness her faceexpressed. He wished to help her and say something pleasant, but couldthink of nothing to say.

　　"Good-by, Princess!" said he.

　　She started, flushed, and sighed deeply.

　　"Oh, I beg your pardon," she said as if waking up. "Are you goingalready, Count? Well then, good-by! Oh, but the cushion for thecountess!"

　　"Wait a moment, I'll fetch it," said Mademoiselle Bourienne, and sheleft the room.

　　They both sat silent, with an occasional glance at one another.

　　"Yes, Princess," said Nicholas at last with a sad smile, "it doesn'tseem long ago since we first met at Bogucharovo, but how much waterhas flowed since then! In what distress we all seemed to be then,yet I would give much to bring back that time... but there's nobringing it back."

　　Princess Mary gazed intently into his eyes with her own luminousones as he said this. She seemed to be trying to fathom the hiddenmeaning of his words which would explain his feeling for her.

　　"Yes, yes," said she, "but you have no reason to regret the past,Count. As I understand your present life, I think you will alwaysrecall it with satisfaction, because the self-sacrifice that fillsit now..."

　　"I cannot accept your praise," he interrupted her hurriedly. "On thecontrary I continually reproach myself.... But this is not at all aninteresting or cheerful subject."

　　His face again resumed its former stiff and cold expression. But theprincess had caught a glimpse of the man she had known and loved,and it was to him that she now spoke.

　　"I thought you would allow me to tell you this," she said. "I hadcome so near to you... and to all your family that I thought you wouldnot consider my sympathy misplaced, but I was mistaken," andsuddenly her voice trembled. "I don't know why," she continued,recovering herself, "but you used to be different, and..."

　　"There are a thousand reasons why," laying special emphasis on thewhy. "Thank you, Princess," he added softly. "Sometimes it is hard."

　　"So that's why! That's why!" a voice whispered in Princess Mary'ssoul. "No, it was not only that gay, kind, and frank look, not onlythat handsome exterior, that I loved in him. I divined his noble,resolute, self-sacrificing spirit too," she said to herself. "Yes,he is poor now and I am rich.... Yes, that's the only reason....Yes, were it not for that..." And remembering his former tenderness,and looking now at his kind, sorrowful face, she suddenly understoodthe cause of his coldness.

　　"But why, Count, why?" she almost cried, unconsciously moving closerto him. "Why? Tell me. You must tell me!"

　　He was silent.

　　"I don't understand your why, Count," she continued, "but it'shard for me... I confess it. For some reason you wish to deprive me ofour former friendship. And that hurts me." There were tears in hereyes and in her voice. "I have had so little happiness in life thatevery loss is hard for me to bear.... Excuse me, good-by!" andsuddenly she began to cry and was hurrying from the room.

　　"Princess, for God's sake!" he exclaimed, trying to stop her."Princess!"

　　She turned round. For a few seconds they gazed silently into oneanother's eyes- and what had seemed impossible and remote suddenlybecame possible, inevitable, and very near.