First Epilogue: 1813-20 - Chapter XV

by Leo Tolstoy

　　The conversation at supper was not about politics or societies,but turned on the subject Nicholas liked best- recollections of1812. Denisov started these and Pierre was particularly agreeableand amusing about them. The family separated on the most friendlyterms.

　　After supper Nicholas, having undressed in his study and giveninstructions to the steward who had been waiting for him, went tothe bedroom in his dressing gown, where he found his wife still at hertable, writing.

　　"What are you writing, Mary?" Nicholas asked.

　　Countess Mary blushed. She was afraid that what she was writingwould not be understood or approved by her husband.

　　She had wanted to conceal what she was writing from him, but atthe same time was glad he had surprised her at it and that she wouldnow have to tell him.

　　"A diary, Nicholas," she replied, handing him a blue exercise bookfilled with her firm, bold writing.

　　"A diary?" Nicholas repeated with a shade of irony, and he took upthe book.

　　It was in French.

　　December 4. Today when Andrusha (her eldest boy) woke up he didnot wish to dress and Mademoiselle Louise sent for me. He wasnaughty and obstinate. I tried threats, but he only grew angrier. ThenI took the matter in hand: I left him alone and began with nurse'shelp to get the other children up, telling him that I did not lovehim. For a long time he was silent, as if astonished, then he jumpedout of bed, ran to me in his shirt, and sobbed so that I could notcalm him for a long time. It was plain that what troubled him most wasthat he had grieved me. Afterwards in the evening when I gave himhis ticket, he again began crying piteously and kissing me. One can doanything with him by tenderness.

　　"What is a 'ticket'?" Nicholas inquired.

　　"I have begun giving the elder ones marks every evening, showing howthey have behaved."

　　Nicholas looked into the radiant eyes that were gazing at him, andcontinued to turn over the pages and read. In the diary was set downeverything in the children's lives that seemed noteworthy to theirmother as showing their characters or suggesting general reflectionson educational methods. They were for the most part quiteinsignificant trifles, but did not seem so to the mother or to thefather either, now that he read this diary about his children forthe first time.

　　Under the date "5" was entered:

　　Mitya was naughty at table. Papa said he was to have no pudding.He had none, but looked so unhappily and greedily at the otherswhile they were eating! I think that punishment by deprivingchildren of sweets only develops their greediness. Must tellNicholas this.

　　Nicholas put down the book and looked at his wife. The radianteyes gazed at him questioningly: would he approve or disapprove of herdiary? There could be no doubt not only of his approval but also ofhis admiration for his wife.

　　Perhaps it need not be done so pedantically, thought Nicholas, oreven done at all, but this untiring, continual spiritual effort ofwhich the sole aim was the children's moral welfare delighted him. HadNicholas been able to analyze his feelings he would have found thathis steady, tender, and proud love of his wife rested on his feelingof wonder at her spirituality and at the lofty moral world, almostbeyond his reach, in which she had her being.

　　He was proud of her intelligence and goodness, recognized his owninsignificance beside her in the spiritual world, and rejoiced all themore that she with such a soul not only belonged to him but was partof himself.

　　"I quite, quite approve, my dearest!" said he with a significantlook, and after a short pause he added: "And I behaved badly today.You weren't in the study. We began disputing- Pierre and I- and I lostmy temper. But he is impossible: such a child! I don't know what wouldbecome of him if Natasha didn't keep him in hand.... Have you any ideawhy he went to Petersburg? They have formed..."

　　"Yes, I know," said Countess Mary. "Natasha told me."

　　"Well, then, you know," Nicholas went on, growing hot at the mererecollection of their discussion, "he wanted to convince me that it isevery honest man's duty to go against the government, and that theoath of allegiance and duty... I am sorry you weren't there. Theyall fell on me- Denisov and Natasha... Natasha is absurd. How sherules over him! And yet there need only be a discussion and she has nowords of her own but only repeats his sayings..." added Nicholas,yielding to that irresistible inclination which tempts us to judgethose nearest and dearest to us. He forgot that what he was sayingabout Natasha could have been applied word for word to himself inrelation to his wife.

　　"Yes, I have noticed that," said Countess Mary.

　　"When I told him that duty and the oath were above everything, hestarted proving goodness knows what! A pity you were not there- whatwould you have said?"

　　"As I see it you were quite right, and I told Natasha so. Pierresays everybody is suffering, tortured, and being corrupted, and thatit is our duty to help our neighbor. Of course he is right there,"said Countess Mary, "but he forgets that we have other duties nearerto us, duties indicated to us by God Himself, and that though we mightexpose ourselves to risks we must not risk our children."

　　"Yes, that's it! That's just what I said to him," put in Nicholas,who fancied he really had said it. "But they insisted on their ownview: love of one's neighbor and Christianity- and all this in thepresence of young Nicholas, who had gone into my study and broke allmy things."

　　"Ah, Nicholas, do you know I am often troubled about littleNicholas," said Countess Mary. "He is such an exceptional boy. I amafraid I neglect him in favor of my own: we all have children andrelations while he has no one. He is constantly alone with histhoughts."

　　"Well, I don't think you need reproach yourself on his account.All that the fondest mother could do for her son you have done and aredoing for him, and of course I am glad of it. He is a fine lad, a finelad! This evening he listened to Pierre in a sort of trance, andfancy- as we were going in to supper I looked and he had brokeneverything on my table to bits, and he told me of it himself atonce! I never knew him to tell an untruth. A fine lad, a fine lad!"repeated Nicholas, who at heart was not fond of Nicholas Bolkonski butwas always anxious to recognize that he was a fine lad.

　　"Still, I am not the same as his own mother," said Countess Mary. "Ifeel I am not the same and it troubles me. A wonderful boy, but I amdreadfully afraid for him. It would be good for him to havecompanions."

　　"Well it won't be for long. Next summer I'll take him toPetersburg," said Nicholas. "Yes, Pierre always was a dreamer andalways will be," he continued, returning to the talk in the studywhich had evidently disturbed him. "Well, what business is it ofmine what goes on there- whether Arakcheev is bad, and all that?What business was it of mine when I married and was so deep in debtthat I was threatened with prison, and had a mother who could notsee or understand it? And then there are you and the children andour affairs. Is it for my own pleasure that I am at the farm or in theoffice from morning to night? No, but I know I must work to comfort mymother, to repay you, and not to leave the children such beggars asI was."

　　Countess Mary wanted to tell him that man does not live by breadalone and that he attached too much importance to these matters. Butshe knew she must not say this and that it would be useless to doso. She only took his hand and kissed it. He took this as a sign ofapproval and a confirmation of his thoughts, and after a fewminutes' reflection continued to think aloud.

　　"You know, Mary, today Elias Mitrofanych" (this was his overseer)"came back from the Tambov estate and told me they are alreadyoffering eighty thousand rubles for the forest."

　　And with an eager face Nicholas began to speak of the possibility ofrepurchasing Otradnoe before long, and added: "Another ten years oflife and I shall leave the children... in an excellent position."

　　Countess Mary listened to her husband and understood all that hetold her. She knew that when he thought aloud in this way he wouldsometimes ask her what he had been saying, and be vexed if henoticed that she had been thinking about something else. But she hadto force herself to attend, for what he was saying did not interesther at all. She looked at him and did not think, but felt, aboutsomething different. She felt a submissive tender love for this manwho would never understand all that she understood, and this seemed tomake her love for him still stronger and added a touch of passionatetenderness. Besides this feeling which absorbed her altogether andhindered her from following the details of her husband's plans,thoughts that had no connection with what he was saying flittedthrough her mind. She thought of her nephew. Her husband's accountof the boy's agitation while Pierre was speaking struck herforcibly, and various traits of his gentle, sensitive characterrecurred to her mind; and while thinking of her nephew she thoughtalso of her own children. She did not compare them with him, butcompared her feeling for them with her feeling for him, and feltwith regret that there was something lacking in her feeling foryoung Nicholas.

　　Sometimes it seemed to her that this difference arose from thedifference in their ages, but she felt herself to blame toward him andpromised in her heart to do better and to accomplish the impossible-in this life to love her husband, her children, little Nicholas, andall her neighbors, as Christ loved mankind. Countess Mary's soulalways strove toward the infinite, the eternal, and the absolute,and could therefore never be at peace. A stern expression of thelofty, secret suffering of a soul burdened by the body appeared on herface. Nicholas gazed at her. "O God! What will become of us if shedies, as I always fear when her face is like that?" thought he, andplacing himself before the icon he began to say his evening prayers.