A

by Ambrose Bierce

　　ABASEMENT,n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth of power.Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer.ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbishoutside from molesting the rubbish inside.

　　ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense ofthe high temperature of the throne.

　　Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication

　　Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation.

　　For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her:

　　She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her.

　　To History she'll be no royal riddle --

　　Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.

　　G.J.

　　ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, withsacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faithcommands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altarin a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence for the onedeity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand inthe world's marketing the race would become graminivorous.

　　ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small partof the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In thelast analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high degreeof solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is rightly appraised;it is no easy task to be solemn.

　　ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thoughtand conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is tobe detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward thestraiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself.Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and thehope of Hell.

　　ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soilof a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

　　ABRACADABRA.

　　By Abracadabra we signify

　　An infinite number of things.

　　'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why?

　　And Whence? and Whither? -- a word whereby

　　The Truth (with the comfort it brings)

　　Is open to all who grope in night,

　　Crying for Wisdom's holy light.

　　Whether the word is a verb or a noun

　　Is knowledge beyond my reach.

　　I only know that 'tis handed down.

　　From sage to sage,

　　From age to age --

　　An immortal part of speech!

　　Of an ancient man the tale is told

　　That he lived to be ten centuries old,

　　In a cave on a mountain side.

　　(True, he finally died.)

　　The fame of his wisdom filled the land,

　　For his head was bald, and you'll understand

　　His beard was long and white

　　And his eyes uncommonly bright.

　　Philosophers gathered from far and near

　　To sit at his feat and hear and hear,

　　Though he never was heard

　　To utter a word

　　But "Abracadabra, abracadab,

　　Abracada, abracad,

　　Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!"

　　'Twas all he had,

　　'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each

　　Made copious notes of the mystical speech,

　　Which they published next --

　　A trickle of text

　　In the meadow of commentary.

　　Mighty big books were these,

　　In a number, as leaves of trees;

　　In learning, remarkably -- very!

　　He's dead,

　　As I said,

　　And the books of the sages have perished,

　　But his wisdom is sacredly cherished.

　　In _Abracadabra_ it solemnly rings,

　　Like an ancient bell that forever swings.

　　O, I love to hear

　　That word make clear

　　Humanity's General Sense of Things.

　　Jamrach Holobom

　　ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten.

　　When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for

　　people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of

　　mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel

　　them to the separation.

　　Oliver Cromwell

　　ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most affectedby it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another author's ideas thatthey were "concatenated without abruption."

　　ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonlywith the property of another.

　　Spring beckons! All things to the call respond;

　　The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

　　Phela Orm

　　ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed;hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affectionof another.

　　To men a man is but a mind. Who cares

　　What face he carries or what form he wears?

　　But woman's body is the woman. O,

　　Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,

　　But heed the warning words the sage hath said:

　　A woman absent is a woman dead.

　　Jogo Tyree

　　ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who has had the forethoughtto remove himself from the sphere of exaction.

　　ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchyis one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleasesthe assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them havingbeen replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's power for evil(and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, which are governedby chance.

　　ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denyinghimself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everythingbut abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

　　Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought

　　You a total abstainer, my son."

　　"So I am, so I am," said the scrapgrace caught --

　　"But not, sir, a bigoted one."

　　G.J.

　　ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent withone's own opinion.

　　ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy weretaught.

　　ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is taught.

　　ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutablenatural laws.

　　ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, havingguilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal,knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matterhas not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one having offeredthem a fee for assenting.

　　ACCORD, n. Harmony.

　　ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments ofan assassin.

　　ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution.

　　"My accountability, bear in mind,"

　　Said the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes,"

　　Said the Shah: "I do -- 'tis the only kind

　　Of ability you possess."

　　Joram Tate

　　ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonlyas a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.

　　ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader whoabsently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar had,unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de Joinville.

　　ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

　　ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of one another'sfaults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.

　　ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from,but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight whenits object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.

　　ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly.

　　ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth.

　　ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Solublein solicitate of gold.

　　ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of addingfuneral outlays to the other expenses of living.

　　ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expectsto get.

　　ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designedto receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A manof straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting.

　　ADMIRAL, n. That part of a war-ship which does the talking whilethe figure-head does the thinking.

　　ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblanceto ourselves.

　　ADMONITION, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning.

　　Consigned by way of admonition,

　　His soul forever to perdition.

　　Judibras

　　ADORE, v.t. To venerate expectantly.

　　ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin.

　　"The man was in such deep distress,"

　　Said Tom, "that I could do no less

　　Than give him good advice." Said Jim:

　　"If less could have been done for him

　　I know you well enough, my son,

　　To know that's what you would have done."

　　Jebel Jocordy

　　AFFIANCED, pp. Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.

　　AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul foranother and bitter world.

　　AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes our way.

　　AGE, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vicesthat we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the enterpriseto commit.

　　AGITATOR, n. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors-- to dislodge the worms.

　　AIM, n. The task we set our wishes to.

　　"Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?"

　　She tenderly inquired.

　　"An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife;

　　The fact is -- I have fired."

　　G.J.

　　AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providencefor the fattening of the poor.

　　ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thievingwith a pretence of open marauding.

　　ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state.

　　ALLAH, n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from theChristian, Jewish, and so forth.

　　Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept,

　　And ever for the sins of man have wept;

　　And sometimes kneeling in the temple I

　　Have reverently crossed my hands and slept.

　　Junker Barlow

　　ALLEGIANCE, n.

　　This thing Allegiance, as I suppose,

　　Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose,

　　Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed

　　To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed.

　　G.J.

　　ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieveswho have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that theycannot separately plunder a third.

　　ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of America, superior in every detailto the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotussays the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces crocodiles,but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the other rivers.From the notches on his back the alligator is called a sawrian.

　　ALONE, adj. In bad company.

　　In contact, lo! the flint and steel,

　　By spark and flame, the thought reveal

　　That he the metal, she the stone,

　　Had cherished secretly alone.

　　Booley Fito

　　ALTAR, n. The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled outthe small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divinationand cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, exceptwith reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male anda female tool.

　　They stood before the altar and supplied

　　The fire themselves in which their fat was fried.

　　In vain the sacrifice! -- no god will claim

　　An offering burnt with an unholy flame.

　　M.P. Nopput

　　AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-handpocket or a left.

　　AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemieswhile living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.

　　AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom itwould be too expensive to punish.

　　ANOINT, v.t. To grease a king or other great functionary alreadysufficiently slippery.

　　As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood,

　　So pigs to lead the populace are greased good.

　　Judibras

　　ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.

　　APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom.

　　The flabby wine-skin of his brain

　　Yields to some pathologic strain,

　　And voids from its unstored abysm

　　The driblet of an aphorism.

　　"The Mad Philosopher," 1697

　　APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.

　　APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtleonly to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedientto form a new attachment to a fresh turtle.

　　APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactorand grave worm's provider.

　　When Jove sent blessings to all men that are,

　　And Mercury conveyed them in a jar,

　　That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth

　　Disease for the apothecary's health,

　　Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim:

　　"My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!"

　　G.J.

　　APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for anotherthrow.

　　APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providenceas a solution to the labor question.

　　APPLAUSE, n. The echo of a platitude.

　　APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with another month added to hisfolly.

　　ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier thana bishop.

　　If I were a jolly archbishop,

　　On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up --

　　Salmon and flounders and smelts;

　　On other days everything else.

　　Jodo Rem

　　ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans adraft of your money.

　　ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.

　　ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesmanwrestles with his record.

　　ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense theword is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downyhats and clean shirts -- guilty of education and suspected of bank accounts.

　　ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is ablacksmith.

　　ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioterhanged to a lamppost.

　　ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.

　　God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.

　　The Unauthorized Version

　　ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies,whom it greatly affects in turn.

　　"Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,"

　　Consenting, he did speak up;

　　"'Tis better you should eat it, pet,

　　Than put it in my teacup."

　　Joel Huck

　　ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related asfollows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J.

　　One day a wag -- what would the wretch be at? --

　　Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT,

　　And said it was a god's name! Straight arose

　　Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows,

　　And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns,

　　And disputations dire that lamed their limbs)

　　To serve his temple and maintain the fires,

　　Expound the law, manipulate the wires.

　　Amazed, the populace that rites attend,

　　Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend,

　　And, inly edified to learn that two

　　Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do)

　　Have sweeter values and a grace more fit

　　Than Nature's hairs that never have been split,

　　Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts,

　　And sell their garments to support the priests.

　　ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality to which women attainby long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleasedto fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young.

　　ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actionswhich one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit.

　　ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In VirginiaCity, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator,and everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely and variously celebratedin the literature, art and religion of every age and country; no otherso engages and fires the human imagination as this

　　noble vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, _lib. II.,De Clem._, and C. Stantatus, _De Temperamente_) if it is not a god; andas such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we may believeMacrobious, by the Cupasians also. Of the only two animals admitted intothe Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of men, the ass that carriedBalaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers the other. This is no smalldistinction. From what has been written about this beast might be compileda library of great splendor and magnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespeareancult, and that which clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally,that all literature is more or less Asinine.

　　"Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing;

　　"Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!"

　　Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine:

　　God made all else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!"

　　G.J.

　　AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he haspicked a pocket with his tongue.

　　AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrialand commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunatedispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.

　　AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the ancients entered the infernalregions. The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained bya lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have suggestedthe Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, has been shownby Lactantius to be an error.

　　Facilis descensus Averni,

　　The poet remarks; and the sense

　　Of it is that when down-hill I turn I

　　Will get more of punches than pence.

　　Jehal Dai Lupe