D

by Ambrose Bierce

　　DAMN,v. A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning of whichis lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to have been aterm of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree of mental tranquillity.Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it expressed an emotion of tumultuousdelight, because it so frequently occurs in combination with the word jodor god, meaning "joy." It would be with great diffidencethat I should advance an opinion conflicting with that of either of theseformidable authorities.DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferablywith arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many kindsof dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two sexeshave two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously innocent, andwarmly loved by the vicious.

　　DANGER, n.

　　A savage beast which, when it sleeps,

　　Man girds at and despises,

　　But takes himself away by leaps

　　And bounds when it arises.

　　Ambat Delaso

　　DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in security.

　　DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman CatholicChurch, whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with thewords Datum Romae. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendshipof God.

　　DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old menprefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walkwith an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then pointwith pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health andripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not becauseof their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robustpersons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who havetried it.

　　DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This periodis divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper-- the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to theother sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap.

　　DEAD, adj.

　　Done with the work of breathing; done

　　With all the world; the mad race run

　　Though to the end; the golden goal

　　Attained and found to be a hole!

　　Squatol Johnes

　　DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that hehas had the misfortune to overtake it.

　　DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of theslave-driver.

　　As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet

　　Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet,

　　Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him,

　　Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him;

　　So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him,

　　Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him,

　　Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it,

　　And finds at last he might as well have paid it.

　　Barlow S. Vode

　　DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number -- justenough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enoughto embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue,calculated for this meridian.

　　Thou shalt no God but me adore:

　　'Twere too expensive to have more.

　　No images nor idols make

　　For Robert Ingersoll to break.

　　Take not God's name in vain; select

　　A time when it will have effect.

　　Work not on Sabbath days at all,

　　But go to see the teams play ball.

　　Honor thy parents. That creates

　　For life insurance lower rates.

　　Kill not, abet not those who kill;

　　Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.

　　Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless

　　Thine own thy neighbor doth caress

　　Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete

　　Successfully in business. Cheat.

　　Bear not false witness -- that is low --

　　But "hear 'tis rumored so and so."

　　Cover thou naught that thou hast not

　　By hook or crook, or somehow, got.

　　G.J.

　　DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influencesover another set.

　　A leaf was riven from a tree,

　　"I mean to fall to earth," said he.

　　The west wind, rising, made him veer.

　　"Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer."

　　The east wind rose with greater force.

　　Said he: "'Twere wise to change my course."

　　With equal power they contend.

　　He said: "My judgment I suspend."

　　Down died the winds; the leaf, elate,

　　Cried: "I've decided to fall straight."

　　"First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral;

　　Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel.

　　Howe'er your choice may chance to fall,

　　You'll have no hand in it at all.

　　G.J.

　　DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.

　　DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack.

　　DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors.The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it requiredten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes of the Trojanwar could have raised with ease. Homer never tires of sneering at "menwho live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps why they sufferedhim to beg his bread -- a marked instance of returning good for evil,by the way, for if they had forbidden him he would certainly have starved.

　　DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progressfrom private station to political preferment.

　　DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when thePterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its namebeing pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man pronouncingit may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.

　　DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris.Variously pronounced.

　　DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandisethat comes in sets.

　　DELIBERATION, n. The act of examining one's bread to determinewhich side it is buttered on.

　　DELUGE, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washedaway the sins (and sinners) of the world.

　　DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprisingEnthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many othergoodly sons and daughters.

　　All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee

　　The world turned topsy-turvy we should see;

　　For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies,

　　Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances.

　　Mumfrey Mappel

　　DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth,pulls coins out of your pocket.

　　DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the supportwhich you are not in a position to exact from his fears.

　　DEPUTY, n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman.The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and anintricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. Whenaccidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud of dust.

　　"Chief Deputy," the Master cried,

　　"To-day the books are to be tried

　　By experts and accountants who

　　Have been commissioned to go through

　　Our office here, to see if we

　　Have stolen injudiciously.

　　Please have the proper entries made,

　　The proper balances displayed,

　　Conforming to the whole amount

　　Of cash on hand -- which they will count.

　　I've long admired your punctual way --

　　Here at the break and close of day,

　　Confronting in your chair the crowd

　　Of business men, whose voices loud

　　And gestures violent you quell

　　By some mysterious, calm spell --

　　Some magic lurking in your look

　　That brings the noisiest to book

　　And spreads a holy and profound

　　Tranquillity o'er all around.

　　So orderly all's done that they

　　Who came to draw remain to pay.

　　But now the time demands, at last,

　　That you employ your genius vast

　　In energies more active. Rise

　　And shake the lightnings from your eyes;

　　Inspire your underlings, and fling

　　Your spirit into everything!"

　　The Master's hand here dealt a whack

　　Upon the Deputy's bent back,

　　When straightway to the floor there fell

　　A shrunken globe, a rattling shell

　　A blackened, withered, eyeless head!

　　The man had been a twelvemonth dead.

　　Jamrach Holobom

　　DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse forfailure.

　　DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient'spulse and purse.

　　DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of thechest from disorders of the bowels.

　　DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which hecan relate to himself without blushing.

　　Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ

　　All that he had of wisdom and of wit.

　　So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died,

　　Erased all entries of his own and cried:

　　"I'll judge you by your diary." Said Hearst:

　　"Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint the First" --

　　Straightway producing, jubilant and proud,

　　That record from a pocket in his shroud.

　　The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er,

　　Each stupid line of which he knew before,

　　Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit

　　On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit;

　　Then gravely closed the book and gave it back.

　　"My friend, you've wandered from your proper track:

　　You'd never be content this side the tomb --

　　For big ideas Heaven has little room,

　　And Hell's no latitude for making mirth,"

　　He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth.

　　"The Mad Philosopher"

　　DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilenceof despotism to the plague of anarchy.

　　DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growthof a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however,is a most useful work.

　　DIE, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word,because there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." Atlong intervals, however, some one says: "The die is cast," whichis not true, for it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet bythat eminent poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew:

　　A cube of cheese no larger than a die

　　May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.

　　DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When theprocess is imperfect, vices are evolved instead -- a circumstance fromwhich that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies arethe greater sufferers from dyspepsia.

　　DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

　　DISABUSE, v.t. The present your neighbor with another and bettererror than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace.

　　DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one personor thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.

　　DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.

　　DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.

　　DISOBEY, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturityof a command.

　　His right to govern me is clear as day,

　　My duty manifest to disobey;

　　And if that fit observance e'er I shut

　　May I and duty be alike undone.

　　Israfel Brown

　　DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character.

　　Let us dissemble.

　　Adam

　　DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for thepoor to call theirs, and keep.

　　DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperityof a friend.

　　DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out the occult. Divination isof as many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the floweringdunce and the early fool.

　　DOG, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catchthe overflow and surplus of the world's worship. This Divine Being insome of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection ofWoman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog isa survival -- an anachronism. He toils not, neither does he spin, yetSolomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long, sun-soakedand fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means wherewith topurchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look of tolerantrecognition.

　　DRAGOON, n. A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equalmeasure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on horseback.

　　DRAMATIST, n. One who adapts plays from the French.

　　DRUIDS, n. Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religionwhich did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice.Very little is now known about the Druids and their faith. Pliny saystheir religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far as Persia.Caesar says those who desired to study its mysteries went to Britain.Caesar himself went to Britain, but does not appear to have obtained anyhigh preferment in the Druidical Church, although his talent for humansacrifice was considerable.Druids performed their religious rites in groves,and knew nothing of church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pewrents. They were, in short, heathens and -- as they were once complacentlycatalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of England -- Dissenters.

　　DUCK-BILL, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-backseason.

　　DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation oftwo enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance;if awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequencessometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel.

　　That dueling's a gentlemanly vice

　　I hold; and wish that it had been my lot

　　To live my life out in some favored spot --

　　Some country where it is considered nice

　　To split a rival like a fish, or slice

　　A husband like a spud, or with a shot

　　Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot

　　And ready to be put upon the ice.

　　Some miscreants there are, whom I do long

　　To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim

　　The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners,

　　I seem to see them now -- a mighty throng.

　　It looks as if to challenge _me_ they came,

　　Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners!

　　Xamba Q. Dar

　　DULLARD, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life.The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy haveoverrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is their insensibilityto blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh with a platitude.The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whence they were driven bystress of starvation, their dullness having blighted the crops. For somecenturies they infested Philistia, and many of them are called Philistinesto this day. In the turbulent times of the Crusades they withdrew thenceand gradually overspread all Europe, occupying most of the high placesin politics, art, literature, science and theology. Since a detachmentof Dullards came over with the Pilgrims in the _Mayflower_ and made afavorable report of the country, their increase by birth, immigration,and conversion has been rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthystatistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but littleshort of thirty millions, including the statisticians. The intellectualcentre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, but the New EnglandDullard is the most shockingly moral.

　　DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit,along the line of desire.

　　Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court,

　　Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port.

　　His anger provoked him to take the king's head,

　　But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread,

　　Instead.

　　G.J.