A Visit to the Asylum for Aged and Decayed Punsters

by Oliver Wendell Holmes

　　

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Having just returned from a visit to this admirable Institution incompany with a friend who is one of the Directors, we propose giving ashort account of what we saw and heard. The great success of theAsylum for Idiots and Feeble-minded Youth, several of the scholarsfrom which have reached considerable distinction, one of them beingconnected with a leading Daily Paper in this city, and others havingserved in the State and National Legislatures, was the motive whichled to the foundation of this excellent charity. Our latedistinguished townsman, Noah Dow, Esquire, as is well known,bequeathed a large portion of his fortune to this establishment--"being thereto moved," as his will expressed it, "by the desire ofN. Dowing some public Institution for the benefit of Mankind."Being consulted as to the Rules of the Institution and the selectionof a Superintendent, he replied, that "all Boards must constructtheir own Platforms of operation. Let them select anyhow and heshould be pleased." N.E. Howe, Esq., was chosen in compliance withthis delicate suggestion. The Charter provides for the support of "One hundred aged and decayedGentlemen-Punsters." On inquiry if there way no provision forfemales, my friend called my attention to this remarkablepsychological fact, namely:THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A FEMALE PUNSTER.This remark struck me forcibly, and on reflection I found that _Inever knew nor heard of one_, though I have once or twice heard awoman make a single detached pun, as I have known a hen to crow.On arriving at the south gate of the Asylum grounds, I was about toring, but my friend held my arm and begged me to rap with my stick,which I did. An old man with a very comical face presently opened thegate and put out his head."So you prefer Cane to A bell, do you?" he said--and beganchuckling and coughing at a great rate.My friend winked at me."You're here still, Old Joe, I see," he said to the old man."Yes, yes--and it's very odd, considering how often I've bolted,nights."He then threw open the double gates for us to ride through."Now," said the old man, as he pulled the gates after us, "you've hada long journey.""Why, how is that, Old Joe?" said my friend."Don't you see?" he answered; "there's the East hinges on the oneside of the gate, and there's the West hinges on t'other side--haw!haw! haw!"We had no sooner got into the yard than a feeble little gentleman,with a remarkably bright eye, came up to us, looking very serious, asif something had happened."The town has entered a complaint against the Asylum as a gamblingestablishment," he said to my friend, the Director."What do you mean?" said my friend."Why, they complain that there's a lot o' rye on the premises," heanswered, pointing to a field of that grain--and hobbled away, hisshoulders shaking with laughter, as he went.On entering the main building, we saw the Rules and Regulations forthe Asylum conspicuously posted up. I made a few extracts which may beinteresting:SECT. I. OF VERBAL EXERCISES.5. Each Inmate shall be permitted to make Puns freely from eight inthe morning until ten at night, except during Service in the Chapeland Grace before Meals.6. At ten o'clock the gas will be turned off, and no further Puns,Conundrums, or other play on words will be allowed to be uttered, orto be uttered aloud.9. Inmates who have lost their faculties and cannot any longer makePuns shall be permitted to repeat such as may be selected for them bythe Chaplain out of the work of Mr. Joseph Miller.10. Violent and unmanageable Punsters, who interrupt others whenengaged in conversation, with Puns or attempts at the same, shall bedeprived of their Joseph Millers, and, if necessary, placed insolitary confinement.SECT. III. OF DEPORTMENT AT MEALS.4. No Inmate shall make any Pun, or attempt at the same, until theBlessing has been asked and the company are decently seated.7. Certain Puns having been placed on the Index Expurgatorius of theInstitution, no Inmate shall be allowed to utter them, on pain ofbeing debarred the perusal of Punch and Vanity Fair, and, ifrepeated, deprived of his Joseph Miller.Among these are the following:Allusions to Attic salt, when asked to pass the salt-cellar.Remarks on the Inmates being mustered, etc., etc.Associating baked beans with the bene-factors of the Institution.Saying that beef-eating is befitting, etc., etc.The following are also prohibited, excepting to such Inmates as mayhave lost their faculties and cannot any longer make Puns of theirown:"----your own hair or a wig"; "it will be long enough," etc.,etc.; "little of its age," etc., etc.; also, playing upon thefollowing words: hospital; mayor; pun; pitied; bread;sauce, etc., etc., etc. See INDEX EXPURGATORIUS, _printed for useof Inmates_.The subjoined Conundrum is not allowed: Why is Hasty Pudding like thePrince? Because it comes attended by its sweet; nor this variationto it, to wit: Because the 'lasses runs after it.The Superintendent, who went round with us, had been a noted punsterin his time, and well known in the business world, but lost hiscustomers by making too free with their names--as in the famous storyhe set afloat in '29 of four Jerries attaching to the names of anoted Judge, an eminent Lawyer, the Secretary of the Board of ForeignMissions, and the well-known Landlord at Springfield. One of the _fourJerries_, he added, was of gigantic magnitude. The play on words wasbrought out by an accidental remark of Solomons, the well-knownBanker. "Capital punishment!" the Jew was overheard saying, withreference to the guilty parties. He was understood, as saying, _Acapital pun is meant_, which led to an investigation and the relief ofthe greatly excited public mind.The Superintendent showed some of his old tendencies, as he went roundwith us."Do you know"--he broke out all at once--"why they don't take steppesin Tartary for establishing Insane Hospitals?"We both confessed ignorance."Because there are nomad people to be found there," he said, with adignified smile.He proceeded to introduce us to different Inmates. The first was amiddle-aged, scholarly man, who was seated at a table with aWebster's Dictionary and a sheet of paper before him."Well, what luck to-day, Mr. Mowzer?" said the Superintendent."Three or four only," said Mr. Mowzer. "Will you hear 'em now--now I'mhere?"We all nodded."Don't you see Webster ers in the words center and theater?"If he spells leather lether, and feather fether, isn't theredanger that he'll give us a bad spell of weather?"Besides, Webster is a resurrectionist; he does not allow u to restquietly in the mould."And again, because Mr. Worcester inserts an illustration in his text,is that any reason why Mr. Webster's publishers should hitch one on intheir appendix? It's what I call a Connect-a-cut trick."Why is his way of spelling like the floor of an oven? Because it isunder bread.""Mowzer!" said the Superintendent, "that word is on the Index!""I forgot," said Mr. Mowzer; "please don't deprive me of Vanity Fairthis one time, sir.""These are all, this morning. Good day, gentlemen." Then to theSuperintendent: "Add you, sir!"The next Inmate was a semi-idiotic-looking old man. He had a heap ofblock-letters before him, and, as we came up, he pointed, withoutsaying a word, to the arrangements he had made with them on the table.They were evidently anagrams, and had the merit of transposing theletters of the words employed without addition or subtraction. Hereare a few of them: TIMES. SMITE! POST. STOP! TRIBUNE. TRUE NIB. WORLD. DR. OWL. ADVERTISER. { RES VERI DAT. { IS TRUE. READ! ALLOPATHY. ALL O' TH' PAY. HOMOEOPATHY. O, THE ----! O! O, MY! PAH! The mention of several New York papers led to two or three questions.Thus: Whether the Editor of The Tribune was H.G. really? If thecomplexion of his politics were not accounted for by his being _aneager_ person himself? Whether Wendell _Fillips_ were not a reducedcopy of John Knocks? Whether a New York Feuilletoniste is not thesame thing as a Fellow down East?At this time a plausible-looking, bald-headed man joined us, evidentlywaiting to take a part in the conversation."Good morning, Mr. Riggles," said the Superintendent, "Anything freshthis morning? Any Conundrum?""I haven't looked at the cattle," he answered, dryly."Cattle? Why cattle?""Why, to see if there's any corn under 'em!" he said; andimmediately asked, "Why is Douglas like the earth?"We tried, but couldn't guess."Because he was flattened out at the polls!" said Mr. Riggles."A famous politician, formerly," said the Superintendent. "Hisgrandfather was a seize-Hessian-ist in the Revolutionary War. By theway, I hear the freeze-oil doctrines don't go down at New Bedford."The next Inmate looked as if he might have been a sailor formerly."Ask him what his calling was," said the Superintendent."Followed the sea," he replied to the question put by one of us. "Wentas mate in a fishing-schooner.""Why did you give it up?""Because I didn't like working for two mast-ers," he replied.Presently we came upon a group of elderly persons, gathered about avenerable gentleman with flowing locks, who was propounding questionsto a row of Inmates."Can any Inmate give me a motto for M. Berger?" he said.Nobody responded for two or three minutes. At last one old man, whom Iat once recognized as a Graduate of our University (Anno 1800) held uphis hand."Rem a cue tetigit.""Go to the head of the class, Josselyn," said the venerable patriarch.The successful Inmate did as he was told, but in a very rough way,pushing against two or three of the Class."How is this?" said the Patriarch."You told me to go up jostlin'," he replied.The old gentlemen who had been shoved about enjoyed the pun too muchto be angry.Presently the Patriarch asked again:"Why was M. Berger authorized to go to the dances given to thePrince?"The Class had to give up this, and he answered it himself:"Because every one of his carroms was a tick-it to the ball.""Who collects the money to defray the expenses of the last campaign inItaly?" asked the Patriarch.Here again the Class failed."The war-cloud's rolling Dun," he answered."And what is mulled wine made with?"Three or four voices exclaimed at once:"Sizzle-y Madeira!"Here a servant entered, and said, "Luncheon-time." The old gentlemen,who have excellent appetites, dispersed at once, one of them politelyasking us if we would not stop and have a bit of bread and a littlemite of cheese."There is one thing I have forgotten to show you," said theSuperintendent, "the cell for the confinement of violent andunmanageable Punsters."We were very curious to see it, particularly with reference to thealleged absence of every object upon which a play of words couldpossibly be made.The Superintendent led us up some dark stairs to a corridor, thenalong a narrow passage, then down a broad flight of steps into anotherpassageway, and opened a large door which looked out on the mainentrance."We have not seen the cell for the confinement of 'violent andunmanageable' Punsters," we both exclaimed."This is the sell!" he exclaimed, pointing to the outside prospect.My friend, the Director, looked me in the face so good-naturedly thatI had to laugh."We like to humor the Inmates," he said. "It has a bad effect, wefind, on their health and spirits to disappoint them of their littlepleasantries. Some of the jests to which we have listened are not newto me, though I dare say you may not have heard them often before. Thesame thing happens in general society, with this additionaldisadvantage, that there is no punishment provided for 'violent andunmanageable' Punsters, as in our Institution."We made our bow to the Superintendent and walked to the place whereour carriage was waiting for us. On our way, an exceedingly decrepitold man moved slowly toward us, with a perfectly blank look on hisface, but still appearing as if he wished to speak."Look!" said the Director--"that is our Centenarian."The ancient man crawled toward us, cocked one eye, with which heseemed to see a little, up at us, and said:"Sarvant, young Gentlemen. Why is a--a--a--like a--a--a--? Give it up?Because it's a--a--a--a--."He smiled a pleasant smile, as if it were all plain enough."One hundred and seven last Christmas," said the Director. "Of lateyears he puts his whole Conundrums in blank--but they please him justas well."We took our departure, much gratified and instructed by our visit,hoping to have some future opportunity of inspecting the Records ofthis excellent Charity and making extracts for the benefit of our Readers.

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A Visit to the Asylum for Aged and Decayed Punsters was featured as TheShort Story of the Day on Thu, Aug 29, 2019

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