Chapter XVIII. The Woman Who Did Not Dare

by Louisa May Alcott

　　Chapter XVIII. The Woman Who Did Not DarePolly wrote enthusiastically, Ned answered satisfactorily, andafter much corresponding, talking, and planning, it was decidedthat Tom should go West. Never mind what the business was; itsuffices to say that it was a good beginning for a young man likeTom, who, having been born and bred in the most conservativeclass of the most conceited city in New England, needed just thehealthy, hearty, social influences of the West to widen his viewsand make a man of him.Of course there was much lamentation among the women, butevery one felt it was the best thing for him; so while they sighedthey sewed, packed visions of a brilliant future away with his newpocket handkerchiefs, and rejoiced that the way was open beforehim even in the act of bedewing his boots with tears. Sydney stoodby him to the last, "like a man and a brother" (which expression ofTom's gave Fanny infinite satisfaction), and Will felt entirelyconsoled for Ned's disappointment at his refusal to go and joinhim, since Tom was to take the place Ned had kept for him.Fortunately every one was so busy with the necessary preparationsthat there was no time for romance of any sort, and the four youngpeople worked together as soberly and sensibly as if all sorts ofemotions were not bottled up in their respective hearts. But in spiteof the silence, the work, and the hurry, I think they came to knowone another better in that busy little space of time than in all theyears that had gone before, for the best and bravest in each was upand stirring, and the small house was as full of the magnetism oflove and friendship, self-sacrifice and enthusiasm, as the worldoutside was full of spring sunshine and enchantment. Pity that theend should come so soon, but the hour did its work and went itsway, leaving a clearer atmosphere behind, though the young folksdid not see it then, for their eyes were dim because of the partingsthat must be.Tom was off to the West; Polly went home for the summer; Maudwas taken to the seaside with Belle; and Fanny left alone to wrestlewith housekeeping, "help," and heartache. If it had not been fortwo things, I fear she never would have stood a summer in town,but Sydney often called, till his vacation came, and a voluminouscorrespondence with Polly beguiled the long days. Tom wroteonce a week to his mother, but the letters were short and not verysatisfactory, for men never do tell the interesting little things thatwomen best like to hear. Fanny forwarded her bits of news toPolly. Polly sent back all the extracts from Ned's letters concerningTom, and by putting the two reports together, they gained thecomfortable assurance that Tom was well, in good spirits, hard atwork, and intent on coming out strong in spite of all obstacles.Polly had a quiet summer at home, resting and getting ready inmind and body for another winter's work, for in the autumn shetried her plan again, to the satisfaction of her pupils and the greatjoy of her friends. She never said much of herself in her letters,and Fanny's first exclamation when they met again, was an anxious"Why, Polly, dear! Have you been sick and never told me?""No, I'm only tired, had a good deal to do lately, and the dullweather makes me just a trifle blue. I shall soon brighten up whenI get to my work again," answered Polly, bustling about to putaway her things."You don't look a bit natural. What have you been doing to yourprecious little self?" persisted Fanny, troubled by the change, yetfinding it hard to say wherein it lay.Polly did not look sick, though her cheeks were thinner and hercolor paler than formerly, but she seemed spiritless, and there wasa tired look in her eyes that went to Fanny's heart."I'm all right enough, as you'll see when I'm in order. I'm properglad to find you looking so well and happy. Does all go smoothly,Fan?" asked Polly, beginning to brush her hair industriously."Answer me one question first," said Fanny, looking as if a suddenfear had come over her. "Tell me, truly, have you never repentedof your hint to Sydney?""Never!" cried Polly, throwing back the brown veil behind whichshe had half hidden her face at first."On your honor, as an honest girl?""On my honor, as anything you please. Why do you suspect me ofit?" demanded Polly, almost angrily."Because something is wrong with you. It's no use to deny it, foryou've got the look I used to see in that very glass on my own facewhen I thought he cared for you. Forgive me, Polly, but I can't helpsaying it, for it is there, and I want to be as true to you as you wereto me if I can."Fanny's face was full of agitation, and she spoke fast and frankly,for she was trying to be generous and found it very hard. Pollyunderstood now and put her fear at rest by saying almostpassionately, "I tell you I don't love him! If he was the only man inthe world, I would n't marry him, because I don't want to."The last three words were added in a different tone, for Polly hadchecked herself there with a half-frightened look and turned awayto hide her face behind her hair again."Then if it's not him, it's some one else. You've got a secret,Polly, and I should think you might tell it, as you know mine," saidFanny, unable to rest till everything was told, for Polly's mannertroubled her.There was no answer to her question, but she was satisfied andputting her arm round her friend, she said, in her most persuasivetone, "My precious Polly, do I know him?""You have seen him.""And is he very wise, good, and splendid, dear?""No.""He ought to be if you love him. I hope he is n't bad?" cried Fan,anxiously, still holding Polly, who kept her head obstinatelyturned."I'm suited, that's enough.""Oh, please just tell me one thing more. Don't he love back again?""No. Now don't say another word, I can't bear it!" and Polly drewherself away, as she spoke in a desperate sort of tone."I won't, but now I'm not afraid to tell you that I think, I hope, I dobelieve that Sydney cares a little for me. He's been very kind to usall, and lately he has seemed to like to see me always when hecomes and miss me if I'm gone. I did n't dare to hope anything, tillPapa observed something in his manner, and teased me about it. Itry not to deceive myself, but it does seem as if there was a chanceof happiness for me.""Thank heaven for that!" cried Polly, with the heartiest satisfactionin her voice. "Now come and tell me all about it," she added,sitting down on the couch with the air of one who has escaped agreat peril."I've got some notes and things I want to ask your opinion about,if they really mean anything, you know," said Fanny, getting out abundle of papers from the inmost recesses of her desk. "There's aphotograph of Tom, came in his last letter. Good, is n't it? Helooks older, but that's the beard and the rough coat, I suppose.Dear old fellow, he is doing so well I really begin to feel quiteproud of him."Fan tossed her the photograph, and went on rummaging for acertain note. She did not see Polly catch up the picture and look atit with hungry eyes, but she did hear something in the low tone inwhich Polly said, "It don't do him justice," and glancing over hershoulder, Fan's quick eye caught a glimpse of the truth, thoughPolly was half turned away from her. Without stopping to think,Fan dropped her letters, took Polly by the shoulders, and cried in atone full of astonishment, "Polly, is it Tom?"Poor Polly was so taken by surprise, that she had not a word to say.None were needed; her telltale face answered for her, as well asthe impulse which made her hide her head in the sofa cushion, likea foolish ostrich when the hunters are after it."Oh, Polly, I am so glad! I never thought of it you are so good, andhe's such a wild boy, I can't believe it but it is so dear of you tocare for him.""Could n't help it tried not to but it was so hard you know, Fan, youknow," said a stifled voice from the depths of the very fuzzycushion which Tom had once condemned.The last words, and the appealing hand outstretched to her, toldFanny the secret of her friend's tender sympathy for her own lovetroubles, and seemed so pathetic, that she took Polly in her arms,and cried over her, in the fond, foolish way girls have of doingwhen their hearts are full, and tears can say more than tongues.The silence never lasts long, however, for the feminine desire to"talk it over" usually gets the better of the deepest emotion. Sopresently the girls were hard at it, Polly very humble anddowncast, Fanny excited and overflowing with curiosity anddelight."Really my sister! You dear thing, how heavenly that will be," shecried."It never will be," answered Polly in a tone of calm despair."What will prevent it?""Maria Bailey," was the tragic reply."What do you mean? Is she the Western girl? She shan't have Tom;I'll kill her first!""Too late, let me tell you is that door shut, and Maud safe?"Fanny reconnoitered, and returning, listened breathlessly, whilePolly poured into her ear the bitter secret which was preying on hersoul."Has n't he mentioned Maria in his letters?""Once or twice, but sort of jokingly, and I thought it was onlysome little flirtation. He can't have time for much of that fun, he'sso busy.""Ned writes good, gossipy letters I taught him how and he tells meall that's going on. When he'd spoken of this girl several times(they board with her mother, you know), I asked about her, quitecarelessly, and he told me she was pretty, good, and well educated,and he thought Tom was rather smitten. That was a blow, for yousee, Fan, since Trix broke the engagement, and it was n't wrong tothink of Tom, I let myself hope, just a little, and was so happy!Now I must give it up, and now I see how much I hoped, and whata dreadful loss it's going to be."Two great tears rolled down Polly's cheeks, and Fanny wiped themaway, feeling an intense desire to go West by the next train, witherMaria Bailey with a single look, and bring Tom back as a gift toPolly."It was so stupid of me not to guess before. But you see Tomalways seems so like a boy, and you are more womanly for yourage than any girl I know, so I never thought of your caring for himin that way. I knew you were very good to him, you are to everyone, my precious; and I knew that he was fond of you as he is ofme, fonder if anything, because he thinks you are perfect; but still Inever dreamed of his loving you as more than a dear friend.""He does n't," sighed Polly."Well, he ought; and if I could get hold of him, he should!"Polly clutched Fan at that, and held her tight, saying sternly, "Ifyou ever breathe a word, drop a hint, look a look that will tell himor any one else about me, I'll yes, as sure as my name is MaryMilton I'll proclaim from the housetops that you like Ar " Pollygot no further, for Fan's hand was on her mouth, and Fan's alarmedvoice vehemently protested, "I won't! I promise solemnly I'llnever say a word to a mortal creature. Don't be so fierce, Polly;you quite frighten me.""It's bad enough to love some one who don't love you, but to havethem told of it is perfectly awful. It makes me wild just to think ofit. Oh, Fan, I'm getting so ill-tempered and envious and wicked, Idon't know what will happen to me.""I'm not afraid for you, my dear, and I do believe things will goright, because you are so good to every one. How Tom could helpadoring you I don't see. I know he would if he had stayed at homelonger after he got rid of Trix. It would be the making of him; butthough he is my brother, I don't think he's good enough for you,Polly, and I don't quite see how you can care for him so much,when you might have had a person so infinitely superior.""I don't want a'superior' person; he'd tire me if he was like A. S.Besides, I do think Tom is superior to him in many things. Well,you need n't stare; I know he is, or will be. He's so different, andvery young, and has lots of faults, I know, but I like him all thebetter for it, and he's honest and brave, and has got a big, warmheart, and I'd rather have him care for me than the wisest, best,most accomplished man in the world, simply because I love him!"If Tom could only have seen Polly's face when she said that! It wasso tender, earnest, and defiant, that Fanny forgot the defence of herown lover in admiration of Polly's loyalty to hers; for this faithful,all absorbing love was a new revelation to Fanny, who was used tohearing her friends boast of two or three lovers a year, andcalculate their respective values, with almost as much coolness asthe young men discussed the fortunes of the girls they wished for,but "could not afford to marry." She had thought her love forSydney very romantic, because she did not really care whether hewas rich or poor, though she never dared to say so, even to Polly,for fear of being laughed at. She began to see now what true lovewas, and to feel that the sentiment which she could not conquerwas a treasure to be accepted with reverence, and cherished withdevotion."I don't know when I began to love Tom, but I found out that I didlast winter, and was as much surprised as you are," continuedPolly, as if glad to unburden her heart. "I did n't approve of him atall. I thought he was extravagant, reckless, and dandified. I wasvery much disappointed when he chose Trix, and the more Ithought and saw of it, the worse I felt, for Tom was too good forher, and I hated to see her do so little for him, when she mighthave done so much; because he is one of the men who can be ledby their affections, and the woman he marries can make or marhim.""That's true!" cried Fan, as Polly paused to look at the picture,which appeared to regard her with a grave, steady look, whichseemed rather to belie her assertions."I don't mean that he's weak or bad. If he was, I should hate him;but he does need some one to love him very much, and make himhappy, as a good woman best knows how," said Polly, as ifanswering the mute language of Tom's face."I hope Maria Bailey is all he thinks her," she added, softly, "for Icould n't bear to have him disappointed again.""I dare say he don't care a fig for her, and you are only borrowingtrouble. What do you say Ned answered when you asked about thisinconvenient girl?" said Fanny turning hopeful all at once.Polly repeated it, and added, "I asked him in another letter if he didn't admire Miss B. as much as Tom, and he wrote back that shewas'a nice girl,' but he had no time for nonsense, and I need n't getmy white kids ready for some years yet, unless to dance at Tom'swedding. Since then he has n't mentioned Maria, so I was surethere was something serious going on, and being in Tom'sconfidence, he kept quiet.""It does look bad. Suppose I say a word to Tom, just inquire afterhis heart in a general way, you know, and give him a chance to tellme, if there is anything to tell." "I'm willing, but you must let mesee the letter. I can't trust you not to hint or say too much.""You shall. I'll keep my promise in spite of everything, but it willbe hard to see things going wrong when a word would set it right.""You know what will happen if you do," and Polly looked sothreatening that Fan trembled before her, discovering that thegentlest girls when roused are more impressive than any shrew; foreven turtle doves peck gallantly to defend their nests."If it is true about Maria, what shall we do?" said Fanny after apause."Bear it; People always do bear things, somehow," answered Polly,looking as if sentence had been passed upon her."But if it is n't?" cried Fan, unable to endure the sight."Then I shall wait." And Polly's face changed so beautifully thatFan hugged her on the spot, fervently wishing that Maria Baileynever had been born.Then the conversation turned to lover number two, and after a longconfabulation, Polly gave it as her firm belief that A. S. hadforgotten M. M., and was rapidly finding consolation in the regardof F. S. With this satisfactory decision the council ended after theratification of a Loyal League, by which the friends pledgedthemselves to stand staunchly by one another, through the trials ofthe coming year.It was a very different winter from the last for both the girls. Fannyapplied herself to her duties with redoubled ardor, for "A. S." wasa domestic man, and admired housewifely accomplishments. IfFanny wanted to show him what she could do toward making apleasant home, she certainly succeeded better than she suspected,for in spite of many failures and discouragements behind thescenes, the little house became a most attractive place, to Mr.Sydney at least, for he was more the house-friend than ever, andseemed determined to prove that change of fortune made nodifference to him.Fanny had been afraid that Polly's return might endanger herhopes, but Sydney met Polly with the old friendliness, and verysoon convinced her that the nipping in the bud process had beeneffectual, for being taken early, the sprouting affection had diedeasy, and left room for an older friendship to blossom into ahappier love.Fanny seemed glad of this, and Polly soon set her heart at rest byproving that she had no wish to try her power. She kept much athome when the day's work was done, finding it pleasanter to sitdreaming over book or sewing alone, than to exert herself even togo to the Shaws'."Fan don't need me, and Sydney don't care whether I come or not,so I'll keep out of the way," she would say, as if to excuse herseeming indolence.Polly was not at all like herself that winter, and those nearest toher saw and wondered at it most. Will got very anxious, she was soquiet, pale and spiritless, and distracted poor Polly by hisaffectionate stupidity, till she completed his bewilderment bygetting cross and scolding him. So he consoled himself with Maud,who, now being in her teens, assumed dignified airs, and orderedhim about in a style that afforded him continued amusement andemployment.Western news continued vague, for Fan's general inquiriesproduced only provokingly unsatisfactory replies from Tom, whosang the praises of "the beautiful Miss Bailey," and professed to beconsumed by a hopeless passion for somebody, in such half-comic,half-tragic terms, that the girls could not decide whether it was "allthat boy's mischief," or only a cloak to hide the dreadful truth."We'll have it out of him when he comes home in the spring," saidFanny to Polly, as they compared the letters of their brothers, andagreed that "men were the most uncommunicative and provokinganimals under the sun." For Ned was so absorbed in business thathe ignored the whole Bailey question and left them in utterdarkness.Hunger of any sort is a hard thing to bear, especially when thesufferer has a youthful appetite, and Polly was kept on such a shortallowance of happiness for six months, that she got quite thin andinteresting; and often, when she saw how big her eyes weregetting, and how plainly the veins on her temples showed,indulged the pensive thought that perhaps spring dandelions mightblossom o'er her grave. She had no intention of dying till Tom'svisit was over, however, and as the time drew near, she wentthrough such alternations of hope and fear, and lived in such astate of feverish excitement, that spirits and color came back, andshe saw that the interesting pallor she had counted on would be anentire failure.May came at last, and with it a burst of sunshine which cheeredeven poor Polly's much-enduring heart. Fanny came walking inupon her one day, looking as if she brought tidings of such greatjoy that she hardly knew how to tell them."Prepare yourself somebody is engaged!" she said, in a solemntone, that made Polly put up her hand as if to ward off an expectedblow. "No, don't look like that, my poor dear; it is n't Tom, it's I!"Of course there was a rapture, followed by one of the deliciouslyconfidential talks which bosom friends enjoy, interspersed withtears and kisses, smiles and sighs."Oh, Polly, though I've waited and hoped so long I could n'tbelieve it when it came, and don't deserve it; but I will! for theknowledge that he loves me seems to make everything possible,"said Fanny, with an expression which made her really beautiful,for the first time in her life."You happy girl!" sighed Polly, then smiled and added, "I thinkyou deserve all that's come to you, for you have truly tried to beworthy of it, and whether it ever came or not that would have beena thing to be proud of.""He says that is what made him love me," answered Fanny, nevercalling her lover by his name, but making the little personalpronoun a very sweet word by the tone in which she uttered it. "Hewas disappointed in me last year, he told me, but you said goodthings about me and though he did n't care much then, yet when helost you, and came back to me, he found that you were notaltogether mistaken, and he has watched me all this winter,learning to respect and love me better every day. Oh, Polly, whenhe said that, I could n't bear it, because in spite of all my trying, I'm still so weak and poor and silly.""We don't think so; and I know you'll be all he hopes to find you,for he's just the husband you ought to have.""Thank you all the more, then, for not keeping him yourself," saidFanny, laughing the old blithe laugh again."That was only a slight aberration of his; he knew better all thetime. It was your white cloak and my idiotic behavior the night wewent to the opera that put the idea into his head," said Polly,feeling as if the events of that evening had happened some twentyyears ago, when she was a giddy young thing, fond of gay bonnetsand girlish pranks."I'm not going to tell Tom a word about it, but keep it for asurprise till he comes. He will be here next week, and then we'llhave a grand clearing up of mysteries," said Fan, evidently feelingthat the millennium was at hand."Perhaps," said Polly, as her heart fluttered and then sunk, for thiswas a case where she could do nothing but hope, and keep herhands busy with Will's new set of shirts.There is a good deal more of this sort of silent suffering than theworld suspects, for the "women who dare" are few, the womenwho "stand and wait" are many. But if work-baskets were giftedwith powers of speech, they could tell stories more true and tenderthan any we read. For women often sew the tragedy or comedy oflife into their work as they sit apparently safe and serene at home,yet are thinking deeply, living whole heart-histories, and prayingfervent prayers while they embroider pretty trifles or do the weeklymending.