Aristocracy Versus Hash

by O. Henry

　　The snake reporter of The Rolling Stone was wandering up the avenue lastnight on his way home from the Y.M.C.A. rooms when he was approached bya gaunt, hungry-looking man with wild eyes and dishevelled hair. Heaccosted the reporter in a hollow, weak voice."'Can you tell me, Sir, where I can find in this town a family ofscrubs?'"'I don't understand exactly.'"'Let me tell you how it is,' said the stranger, inserting hisforefinger in the reporter's buttonhole and badly damaging hischrysanthemum. 'I am a representative from Soapstone County, and I andmy family are houseless, homeless, and shelterless. We have not tastedfood for over a week. I brought my family with me, as I have indigestionand could not get around much with the boys. Some days ago I started outto find a boarding house, as I cannot afford to put up at a hotel. Ifound a nice aristocratic-looking place, that suited me, and went in andasked for the proprietress. A very stately lady with a Roman nose camein the room. She had one hand laid across her stom--across her waist,and the other held a lace handkerchief. I told her I wanted board formyself and family, and she condescended to take us. I asked for herterms, and she said $300 per week."'I had two dollars in my pocket and I gave her that for a fine teapotthat I broke when I fell over the table when she spoke.'"'You appear surprised,' says she. `You will please remembah that I amthe widow of Governor Riddle of Georgiah; my family is very highlyconnected; I give you board as a favah; I nevah considah money anyequivalent for the advantage of my society, I--'"'Well, I got out of there, and I went to some other places. The nextlady was a cousin of General Mahone of Virginia, and wanted four dollarsan hour for a back room with a pink motto and a Burnet granite bed init. The next one was an aunt of Davy Crockett, and asked eight dollars aday for a room furnished in imitation of the Alamo, with prunes forbreakfast and one hour's conversation with her for dinner. Another onesaid she was a descendant of Benedict Arnold on her father's side andCaptain Kidd on the other."'She took more after Captain Kidd."'She only had one meal and prayers a day, and counted her society worth$100 a week."'I found nine widows of Supreme Judges, twelve relicts of Governors andGenerals, and twenty-two ruins left by various happy Colonels,Professors, and Majors, who valued their aristocratic worth from $90 to$900 per week, with weak-kneed hash and dried apples on the side. Iadmire people of fine descent, but my stomach yearns for pork and beansinstead of culture. Am I not right?'"'Your words,' said the reporter, 'convince me that you have utteredwhat you have said.'"'Thanks. You see how it is. I am not wealthy; I have only my per diemand my perquisites, and I cannot afford to pay for high lineage andmoldy ancestors. A little corned beef goes further with me than acoronet, and when I am cold a coat of arms does not warm me.'"'I greatly fear, 'said the reporter, with a playful hiccough, 'that youhave run against a high-toned town. Most all the first-class boardinghouses here are run by ladies of the old Southern families, the veryfirst in the land.'"'I am now desperate,' said the Representative, as he chewed a tackawhile, thinking it was a clove. 'I want to find a boarding house wherethe proprietress was an orphan found in a livery stable, whose fatherwas a dago from East Austin, and whose grandfather was never placed onthe map. I want a scrubby, ornery, low-down, snuff-dipping, back-woodsy,piebald gang, who never heard of finger bowls or Ward McAllister, butwho can get up a mess of hot cornbread and Irish stew at regular marketquotations.'"'Is there such a place in Austin?'"The snake reporter sadly shook his head. 'I do not know,' he said, 'butI will shake you for the beer.'"Ten minutes later the slate in the Blue Ruin saloon bore two additionalcharacters: 10."