Chapter 16

by William Makepeace Thackeray

　　I PROVIDE NOBLY FOR MY FAMILY.The next day when I went back, my fears were realised: the door wasrefused to me--my Lady was not at home. This I knew to be false: Ihad watched the door the whole morning from a lodging I took at ahouse opposite.'Your lady is not out,' said I: 'she has denied me, and I can't, ofcourse, force my way to her. But listen: you are an Englishman?''That I am,' said the fellow, with an air of the utmost superiority.'Your honour could tell that by my haccent.'I knew he was, and might therefore offer him a bribe. An Irishfamily servant in rags, and though his wages were never paid him,would probably fling the money in your face.'Listen, then,' said I. 'Your lady's letters pass through yourhands, don't they? A crown for every one that you bring me to read.There is a whisky-shop in the next street; bring them there when yougo to drink, and call for me by the name of Dermot.''I recollect your honour at Spar,' says the fellow, grinning:'seven's the main, hey?' and being exceedingly proud of thisreminiscence, I bade my inferior adieu.I do not defend this practice of letter-opening in private life,except in cases of the most urgent necessity: when we must followthe examples of our betters, the statesmen of all Europe, and, forthe sake of a great good, infringe a little matter of ceremony. MyLady Lyndon's letters were none the worse for being opened, and agreat deal the better; the knowledge obtained from the perusal ofsome of her multifarious epistles enabling me to become intimatewith her character in a hundred ways, and obtain a power over her bywhich I was not slow to profit. By the aid of the letters and of myEnglish friend, whom I always regaled with the best of liquor, andsatisfied with presents of money still more agreeable (I used to puton a livery in order to meet him, and a red wig, in which it wasimpossible to know the dashing and elegant Redmond Barry), I gotsuch an insight into the widow's movements as astonished her. I knewbeforehand to what public places she would go; they were, on accountof her widowhood, but few: and wherever she appeared, at church orin the park, I was always ready to offer her her book, or to canteron horseback by the side of her chariot.Many of her Ladyship's letters were the most whimsical rodomontadesthat ever blue-stocking penned. She was a woman who took up andthrew off a greater number of dear friends than any one I ever knew.To some of these female darlings she began presently to write aboutmy unworthy self, and it was with a sentiment of extremesatisfaction I found at length that the widow was growing dreadfullyafraid of me; calling me her bete noire, her dark spirit, hermurderous adorer, and a thousand other names indicative of herextreme disquietude and terror. It was: 'The wretch has been doggingmy chariot through the park,' or, 'my fate pursued me at church,'and 'my inevitable adorer handed me out of my chair at themercer's,' or what not. My wish was to increase this sentiment ofawe in her bosom, and to make her believe that I was a person fromwhom escape was impossible.To this end I bribed a fortune-teller, whom she consulted along witha number of the most foolish and distinguished people of Dublin, inthose days; and who, although she went dressed like one of herwaiting-women, did not fail to recognise her real rank, and todescribe as her future husband her persevering adorer Redmond Barry,Esquire. This incident disturbed her very much. She wrote about itin terms of great wonder and terror to her female correspondents.'Can this monster,' she wrote, 'indeed do as he boasts, and bendeven Fate to his will?--can he make me marry him though I cordiallydetest him, and bring me a slave to his feet. The horrid look of hisblack serpent-like eyes fascinates and frightens me: it seems tofollow me everywhere, and even when I close my own eyes, thedreadful gaze penetrates the lids, and is still upon me.'When a woman begins to talk of a man in this way, he is an ass whodoes not win her; and, for my part, I used to follow her about, andput myself in an attitude opposite her, 'and fascinate her with myglance,' as she said, most assiduously. Lord George Poynings, herformer admirer, was meanwhile keeping his room with his wound, andseemed determined to give up all claims to her favour; for he deniedher admittance when she called, sent no answer to her multipliedcorrespondence, and contented himself by saying generally, that thesurgeon had forbidden him to receive visitors or to answer letters.Thus, while he went into the background, I came forward, and tookgood care that no other rivals should present themselves with anychance of success; for, as soon as I heard of one, I had a quarrelfastened on him, and, in this way, pinked two more, besides my firstvictim Lord George. I always took another pretext for quarrellingwith them than the real one of attention to Lady Lyndon, so that noscandal or hurt to her Ladyship's feelings might arise inconsequence; but she very well knew what was the meaning of theseduels; and the young fellows of Dublin, too, by laying two and twotogether, began to perceive that there was a certain dragon in watchfor the wealthy heiress, and that the dragon must be subdued firstbefore they could get at the lady. I warrant that, after the firstthree, not many champions were found to address the lady; and haveoften laughed (in my sleeve) to see many of the young Dublin beauxriding by the side of her carriage scamper off as soon as my bay-mare and green liveries made their appearance.I wanted to impress her with some great and awful instance of mypower, and to this end had determined to confer a great benefit uponmy honest cousin Ulick, and carry off for him the fair object of hisaffections, Miss Kiljoy, under the very eyes of her guardian andfriend, Lady Lyndon; and in the teeth of the squires, the younglady's brothers, who passed the season at Dublin, and made as muchswagger and to-do about their sister's L10,000 Irish, as if she hadhad a plum to her fortune. The girl was by no means averse to Mr.Brady; and it only shows how faint-spirited some men are, and how asuperior genius can instantly overcome difficulties which to commonminds seem insuperable, that he never had thought of running offwith her: as I at once and boldly did. Miss Kiljoy had been a wardin Chancery until she attained her majority (before which period itwould have been a dangerous matter for me to put in execution thescheme I meditated concerning her); but, though now free to marrywhom she liked, she was a young lady of timid disposition, and asmuch under fear of her brothers and relatives as though she had notbeen independent of them. They had some friend of their own in viewfor the young lady, and had scornfully rejected the proposal ofUlick Brady, the ruined gentleman; who was quite unworthy, as theserustic bucks thought, of the hand of such a prodigiously wealthyheiress as their sister.Finding herself lonely in her great house in Dublin, the Countess ofLyndon invited her friend Miss Amelia to pass the season with her atDublin; and, in a fit of maternal fondness, also sent for her sonthe little Bullingdon, and my old acquaintance his governor, to cometo the capital and bear her company. A family coach brought the boy,the heiress, and the tutor from Castle Lyndon; and I determined totake the first opportunity of putting my plan in execution.For this chance I had not very long to wait. I have said, in aformer chapter of my biography, that the kingdom of Ireland was atthis period ravaged by various parties of banditti; who, under thename of Whiteboys, Oakboys, Steelboys, with captains at their head,killed proctors, fired stacks, houghed and maimed cattle, and tookthe law into their own hands. One of these bands, or several of themfor what I know, was commanded by a mysterious personage calledCaptain Thunder; whose business seemed to be that of marrying peoplewith or without their own consent, or that of their parents. TheDublin Gazettes and Mercuries of that period (the year 1772) teemwith proclamations from the Lord Lieutenant, offering rewards forthe apprehension of this dreadful Captain Thunder and his gang, anddescribing at length various exploits of the savage aide-de-camp ofHymen. I determined to make use, if not of the services, at any rateof the name of Captain Thunder, and put my cousin Ulick inpossession of his lady and her ten thousand pounds. She was no greatbeauty, and, I presume, it was the money he loved rather than theowner of it.On account of her widowhood, Lady Lyndon could not as yet frequentthe balls and routs which the hospitable nobility of Dublin were inthe custom of giving; but her friend Miss Kiljoy had no such causefor retirement, and was glad to attend any parties to which shemight be invited. I made Ulick Brady a present of a couple ofhandsome suits of velvet, and by my influence procured him aninvitation to many of the most elegant of these assemblies. But hehad not had my advantages or experience of the manners of Court; wasas shy with ladies as a young colt, and could no more dance a minuetthan a donkey. He made very little way in the polite world or in hismistress's heart: in fact, I could see that she preferred severalother young gentlemen to him, who were more at home in the ball-roomthan poor Ulick; he had made his first impression upon the heiress,and felt his first flame for her, in her father's house ofBallykiljoy, where he used to hunt and get drunk with the oldgentleman.'I could do thim two well enough, anyhow,' Ulick would say, heavinga sigh; 'and if it's drinking or riding across country would do it,there's no man in Ireland would have a better chance with Amalia.''Never fear, Ulick,' was my reply; 'you shall have your Amalia, ormy name is not Redmond Barry.'My Lord Charlemont--who was one of the most elegant and accomplishednoblemen in Ireland in those days, a fine scholar and wit, agentleman who had travelled much abroad, where I had the honour ofknowing him--gave a magnificent masquerade at his house of Marino,some few miles from Dublin, on the Dunleary road. And it was at thisentertainment that I was determined that Ulick should be made happyfor life. Miss Kiljoy was invited to the masquerade, and the littleLord Bullingdon, who longed to witness such a scene; and it wasagreed that he was to go under the guardianship of his governor, myold friend the Reverend Mr. Runt. I learned what was the equipage inwhich the party were to be conveyed to the ball, and took mymeasures accordingly.Ulick Brady was not present: his fortune and quality were notsufficient to procure him an invitation to so distinguished a place,and I had it given out three days previous that he had been arrestedfor debt: a rumour which surprised nobody who knew him.I appeared that night in a character with which I was very familiar,that of a private soldier in the King of Prussia's guard. I had agrotesque mask made, with an immense nose and moustaches, talked ajumble of broken English and German, in which the latter greatlypredominated; and had crowds round me laughing at my droll accent,and whose curiosity was increased by a knowledge of my previoushistory. Miss Kiljoy was attired as an antique princess, with littleBullingdon as a page of the times of chivalry; his hair was inpowder, his doublet rose-colour, and pea-green and silver, and helooked very handsome and saucy as he strutted about with my sword byhis side. As for Mr. Runt, he walked about very demurely in adomino, and perpetually paid his respects to the buffet, and ateenough cold chicken and drank enough punch and champagne to satisfya company of grenadiers.The Lord Lieutenant came and went in state-the ball was magnificent.Miss Kiljoy had partners in plenty, among whom was myself, whowalked a minuet with her (if the clumsy waddling of the Irishheiress may be called by such a name); and I took occasion to pleadmy passion for Lady Lyndon in the most pathetic terms, and to begher friend's interference in my favour.It was three hours past midnight when the party for Lyndon Housewent away. Little Bullingdon had long since been asleep in one ofLady Charlemont's china closets. Mr. Runt was exceedingly husky intalk, and unsteady in gait. A young lady of the present day would bealarmed to see a gentleman in such a condition; but it was a commonsight in those jolly old times, when a gentleman was thought amilksop unless he was occasionally tipsy. I saw Miss Kiljoy to hercarriage, with several other gentlemen: and, peering through thecrowd of ragged linkboys, drivers, beggars, drunken men and women,who used invariably to wait round great men's doors when festivitieswere going on, saw the carriage drive off, with a hurrah from themob; then came back presently to the supper-room, where I talkedGerman, favoured the three or four topers still there with a High-Dutch chorus, and attacked the dishes and wine with greatresolution.'How can you drink aisy with that big nose on?' said one gentleman.'Go an be hangt!' said I, in the true accent, applying myself againto the wine; with which the others laughed, and I pursued my supperin silence.There was a gentleman present who had seen the Lyndon party go off,with whom I had made a bet, which I lost; and the next morning Icalled upon him and paid it him. All which particulars the readerwill be surprised at hearing enumerated; but the fact is, that itwas not I who went back to the party, but my late German valet, whowas of my size, and, dressed in my mask, could perfectly pass forme. We changed clothes in a hackney-coach that stood near LadyLyndon's chariot, and driving after it, speedily overtook it.The fated vehicle which bore the lovely object of Ulick Brady'saffections had not advanced very far, when, in the midst of a deeprut in the road, it came suddenly to with a jolt; the footman,springing off the back, cried 'Stop!' to the coachman, warning himthat a wheel was off, and that it would be dangerous to proceed withonly three. Wheel-caps had not been invented in those days, as theyhave since been by the ingenious builders of Long Acre. And how thelinch-pin of the wheel had come out I do not pretend to say; but itpossibly may have been extracted by some rogues among the crowdbefore Lord Charlemont's gate.Miss Kiljoy thrust her head out of the window, screaming as ladiesdo; Mr. Runt the chaplain woke up from his boozy slumbers; andlittle Bullingdon, starting up and drawing his little sword, said,'Don't be afraid, Miss Amelia: if it's footpads, I am armed.' Theyoung rascal had the spirit of a lion, that's the truth; as I mustacknowledge, in spite of all my after quarrels with him.The hackney-coach which had been following Lady Lyndon's chariot bythis time came up, and the coachman seeing the disaster, steppeddown from his box, and politely requested her Ladyship's honour toenter his vehicle; which was as clean and elegant as any person oftiptop quality might desire. This invitation was, after a minute ortwo, accepted by the passengers of the chariot: the hackney-coachmanpromising to drive them to Dublin 'in a hurry.' Thady, the valet,proposed to accompany his young master and the young lady; and thecoachman, who had a friend seemingly drunk by his side on the box,with a grin told Thady to get up behind. However, as the footboardthere was covered with spikes, as a defence against the street-boys,who love a ride gratis, Thady's fidelity would not induce him tobrave these; and he was persuaded to remain by the wounded chariot,for which he and the coachman manufactured a linch-pin out of aneighbouring hedge.Meanwhile, although the hackney-coachman drove on rapidly, yet theparty within seemed to consider it was a long distance from Dublin;and what was Miss Kiljoy's astonishment, on looking out of thewindow at length, to see around her a lonely heath, with no signs ofbuildings or city. She began forthwith to scream out to the coachmanto stop; but the man only whipped the horses the faster for hernoise, and bade her Ladyship 'hould on--'twas a short cut he wastaking.'Miss Kiljoy continued screaming, the coachman flogging, the horsesgalloping, until two or three men appeared suddenly from a hedge, towhom the fair one cried for assistance; and the young Bullingdonopening the coach-door, jumped valiantly out, toppling over head andheels as he fell; but jumping up in an instant, he drew his littlesword, and, running towards the carriage, exclaimed, 'This way,gentlemen! stop the rascal!''Stop!' cried the men; at which the coachman pulled up withextraordinary obedience. Runt all the while lay tipsy in thecarriage, having only a dreamy half-consciousness of all that wasgoing on.The newly arrived champions of female distress now held aconsultation, in which they looked at the young lord and laughedconsiderably.'Do not be alarmed,' said the leader, coming up to the door; 'one ofmy people shall mount the box by the side of that treacherousrascal, and, with your Ladyship's leave, I and my companions willget in and see you home. We are well armed, and can defend you incase of danger.'With this, and without more ado, he jumped into the carriage, hiscompanion following him.'Know your place, fellow!' cried out little Bullingdon indignantly:'and give place to the Lord Viscount Bullingdon!' and put himselfbefore the huge person of the new-comer, who was about to enter thehackney-coach.'Get out of that, my Lord,' said the man, in a broad brogue, andshoving him aside. On which the boy, crying 'Thieves! thieves!' drewout his little hanger, and ran at the man, and would have woundedhim (for a small sword will wound as well as a great one); but hisopponent, who was armed with a long stick, struck the weapon luckilyout of the lad's hands: it went flying over his head, and left himaghast and mortified at his discomfiture.He then pulled off his hat, making his Lordship a low bow, andentered the carriage; the door of which was shut upon him by hisconfederate, who was to mount the box. Miss Kiljoy might havescreamed; but I presume her shrieks were stopped by the sight of anenormous horse-pistol which one of her champions produced, who said,'No harm is intended you, ma'am, but if you cry out, we must gagyou;' on which she suddenly became as mute as a fish.All these events took place in an exceedingly short space of time;and when the three invaders had taken possession of the carriage,the poor little Bullingdon being left bewildered and astonished onthe heath, one of them putting his head out of the window, said,--'My Lord, a word with you.''What is it?' said the boy, beginning to whimper: he was but elevenyears old, and his courage had been excellent hitherto.'You are only two miles from Marino. Walk back till you come to abig stone, there turn to the right, and keep on straight till youget to the high-road, when you will easily find your way back. Andwhen you see her Ladyship your mamma, give Captain Thunder'scompliments, and say Miss Amelia Kiljoy is going to be married.''O heavens!' sighed out that young lady.The carriage drove swiftly on, and the poor little nobleman was leftalone on the heath, just as the morning began to break. He wasfairly frightened; and no wonder. He thought of running after thecoach; but his courage and his little legs failed him: so he satdown upon a stone and cried for vexation.It was in this way that Ulick Brady made what I call a Sabinemarriage. When he halted with his two groomsmen at the cottage wherethe ceremony was to be performed, Mr. Runt, the chaplain, at firstdeclined to perform it. But a pistol was held at the head of thatunfortunate preceptor, and he was told, with dreadful oaths, thathis miserable brains would be blown out; when he consented to readthe service. The lovely Amelia had, very likely, a similarinducement held out to her, but of that I know nothing; for I droveback to town with the coachman as soon as we had set the bridalparty down, and had the satisfaction of finding Fritz, my German,arrived before me: he had come back in my carriage in my dress,having left the masquerade undiscovered, and done everything thereaccording to my orders.Poor Runt came back the next day in a piteous plight, keepingsilence as to his share in the occurrences of the evening, and witha dismal story of having been drunk, of having been waylaid andbound, of having been left on the road and picked up by a Wicklowcart, which was coming in with provisions to Dublin, and found himhelpless on the road. There was no possible means of fixing anyshare of the conspiracy upon him. Little Bullingdon, who, too, foundhis way home, was unable in any way to identify me. But Lady Lyndonknew that I was concerned in the plot, for I met her hurrying thenext day to the Castle; all the town being up about the enlevement.And I saluted her with a smile so diabolical, that I knew she wasaware that I had been concerned in the daring and ingenious scheme.Thus it was that I repaid Ulick Brady's kindness to me in earlydays; and had the satisfaction of restoring the fallen fortunes of adeserving branch of my family. He took his bride into Wicklow, wherehe lived with her in the strictest seclusion until the affair wasblown over; the Kiljoys striving everywhere in vain to discover hisretreat. They did not for a while even know who was the lucky manwho had carried off the heiress; nor was it until she wrote a lettersome weeks afterwards, signed Amelia Brady, and expressing perfecthappiness in her new condition, and stating that she had beenmarried by Lady Lyndon's chaplain Mr. Runt, that the truth wasknown, and my worthy friend confessed his share of the transaction.As his good-natured mistress did not dismiss him from his post inconsequence, everybody persisted in supposing that poor Lady Lyndonwas privy to the plot; and the story of her Ladyship's passionateattachment for me gained more and more credit.I was not slow, you may be sure, in profiting by these rumours.Every one thought I had a share in the Brady marriage; though no onecould prove it. Every one thought I was well with the widowedCountess; though no one could show that I said so. But there is away of proving a thing even while you contradict it, and I used tolaugh and joke so apropos that all men began to wish me joy of mygreat fortune, and look up to me as the affianced husband of thegreatest heiress in the kingdom. The papers took up the matter; thefemale friends of Lady Lyndon remonstrated with her and cried 'Fie!'Even the English journals and magazines, which in those days werevery scandalous, talked of the matter; and whispered that abeautiful and accomplished widow, with a title and the largestpossessions in the two kingdoms, was about to bestow her hand upon ayoung gentleman of high birth and fashion, who had distinguishedhimself in the service of His M-----y the K--- of Pr----. I won'tsay who was the author of these paragraphs; or how two pictures, onerepresenting myself under the title of 'The Prussian Irishman,' andthe other Lady Lyndon as 'The Countess of Ephesus,' actuallyappeared in the Town and Country Magazine, published at London, andcontaining the fashionable tittle-tattle of the day.Lady Lyndon was so perplexed and terrified by this continual holdupon her, that she determined to leave the country. Well, she did;and who was the first to receive her on landing at Holyhead? Yourhumble servant, Redmond Barry, Esquire. And, to crown all, theDublin Mercury, which announced her Ladyship's departure, announcedmine the day before. There was not a soul but thought she hadfollowed me to England; whereas she was only flying me. Vain hope!--a man of my resolution was not thus to be balked in pursuit. Had shefled to the antipodes, I would have been there: ay, and would havefollowed her as far as Orpheus did Eurydice!Her Ladyship had a house in Berkeley Square, London, more splendidthan that which she possessed in Dublin; and, knowing that she wouldcome thither, I preceded her to the English capital, and tookhandsome apartments in Hill Street, hard by. I had the sameintelligence in her London house which I had procured in Dublin. Thesame faithful porter was there to give me all the information Irequired. I promised to treble his wages as soon as a certain eventshould happen. I won over Lady Lyndon's companion by a present of ahundred guineas down, and a promise of two thousand when I should bemarried, and gained the favours of her favourite lady's-maid by abribe of similar magnitude. My reputation had so far preceded me inLondon that, on my arrival, numbers of the genteel were eager toreceive me at their routs. We have no idea in this humdrum age whata gay and splendid place London was then: what a passion for playthere was among young and old, male and female; what thousands werelost and won in a night; what beauties there were--how brilliant,gay, and dashing! Everybody was delightfully wicked: the Royal Dukesof Gloucester and Cumberland set the example; the nobles followedclose behind. Running away was the fashion. Ah! it was a pleasanttime; and lucky was he who had fire, and youth, and money, and couldlive in it! I had all these; and the old frequenters of 'White's,''Wattier's,' and 'Goosetree's' could tell stories of the gallantry,spirit, and high fashion of Captain Barry.The progress of a love-story is tedious to all those who are notconcerned, and I leave such themes to the hack novel-writers, andthe young boarding-school misses for whom they write. It is not myintention to follow, step by step, the incidents of my courtship, orto narrate all the difficulties I had to contend with, and mytriumphant manner of surmounting them. Suffice it to say, I didovercome these difficulties. I am of opinion, with my friend thelate ingenious Mr. Wilkes, that such impediments are nothing in theway of a man of spirit; and that he can convert indifference andaversion into love, if he have perseverance and clevernesssufficient. By the time the Countess's widowhood was expired, I hadfound means to be received into her house; I had her womenperpetually talking in my favour, vaunting my powers, expatiatingupon my reputation, and boasting of my success and popularity in thefashionable world.Also, the best friends I had in the prosecution of my tender suitwere the Countess's noble relatives; who were far from knowing theservice that they did me, and to whom I beg leave to tender myheartfelt thanks for the abuse with which they then loaded me! andto whom I fling my utter contempt for the calumny and hatred withwhich they have subsequently pursued me.The chief of these amiable persons was the Marchioness of Tiptoff,mother of the young gentleman whose audacity I had punished atDublin. This old harridan, on the Countess's first arrival inLondon, waited upon her, and favoured her with such a storm of abusefor her encouragement of me, that I do believe she advanced my causemore than six months' courtship could have done, or the pinking of ahalf-dozen of rivals. It was in vain that poor Lady Lyndon pleadedher entire innocence and vowed she had never encouraged me. 'Neverencouraged him!' screamed out the old fury; 'didn't you encouragethe wretch at Spa, during Sir Charles's own life? Didn't you marry adependant of yours to one of this profligate's bankrupt cousins?When he set off for England, didn't you follow him like a mad womanthe very next day? Didn't he take lodgings at your very door almost--and do you call this no encouragement? For shame, madam, shame! Youmight have married my son--my dear and noble George; but that he didnot choose to interfere with your shameful passion for the beggarlyupstart whom you caused to assassinate him; and the only counsel Ihave to give your Ladyship is this, to legitimatise the ties whichyou have contracted with this shameless adventurer; to make thatconnection legal which, real as it is now, is against both decencyand religion; and to spare your family and your son the shame ofyour present line of life.'With this the old fury of a marchioness left the room, and LadyLyndon in tears: I had the whole particulars of the conversationfrom her Ladyship's companion, and augured the best result from itin my favour.Thus, by the sage influence of my Lady Tiptoff, the Countess ofLyndon's natural friends and family were kept from her society. Evenwhen Lady Lyndon went to Court the most august lady in the realmreceived her with such marked coldness, that the unfortunate widowcame home and took to her bed with vexation. And thus I may say thatRoyalty itself became an agent in advancing my suit, and helping theplans of the poor Irish soldier of fortune. So it is that Fate workswith agents, great and small; and by means over which they have nocontrol the destinies of men and women are accomplished.I shall always consider the conduct of Mrs. Bridget (Lady Lyndon'sfavourite maid at this juncture) as a masterpiece of ingenuity: and,indeed, had such an opinion of her diplomatic skill, that the veryinstant I became master of the Lyndon estates, and paid her thepromised sum--I am a man of honour, and rather than not keep my wordwith the woman, I raised the money of the Jews, at an exorbitantinterest--as soon, I say, as I achieved my triumph, I took Mrs.Bridget by the hand, and said, "Madam, you have shown suchunexampled fidelity in my service that I am glad to reward you,according to my promise; but you have given proofs of suchextraordinary cleverness and dissimulation, that I must declinekeeping you in Lady Lyndon's establishment, and beg you will leaveit this very day:" which she did, and went over to the Tiptofffaction, and has abused me ever since.But I must tell you what she did which was so clever. Why, it wasthe simplest thing in the world, as all master-strokes are. WhenLady Lyndon lamented her fate and my--as she was pleased to call it--shameful treatment of her, Mrs. Bridget said, 'Why should not yourLadyship write this young gentleman word of the evil which he iscausing you? Appeal to his feelings (which, I have heard say, arevery good indeed--the whole town is ringing with accounts of hisspirit and generosity), and beg him to desist from a pursuit whichcauses the best of ladies so much pain? Do, my Lady, write: I knowyour style is so elegant that I, for my part, have many a time burstinto tears in reading your charming letters, and I have no doubt Mr.Barry will sacrifice anything rather than hurt your feelings.' And,of course, the abigail swore to the fact.'Do you think so, Bridget?' said her Ladyship. And my mistressforthwith penned me a letter, in her most fascinating and winningmanner:--'Why, sir,' wrote she, 'will you pursue me? why environ mein a web of intrigue so frightful that my spirit sinks under it,seeing escape is hopeless from your frightful, your diabolical art?They say you are generous to others--be so to me. I know yourbravery but too well: exercise it on men who can meet your sword,not on a poor feeble woman, who cannot resist you. Remember thefriendship you once professed for me. And now, I beseech you, Iimplore you, to give a proof of it. Contradict the calumnies whichyou have spread against me, and repair, if you can, and if you havea spark of honour left, the miseries which you have caused to theheart-broken'H. LYNDON.'What was this letter meant for but that I should answer it inperson? My excellent ally told me where I should meet Lady Lyndon,and accordingly I followed, and found her at the Pantheon. Irepeated the scene at Dublin over again; showed her how prodigiousmy power was, humble as I was, and that my energy was still untired.'But,' I added, 'I am as great in good as I am in evil; as fond andfaithful as a friend as I am terrible as an enemy. I will doeverything,' I said, 'which you ask of me, except when you bid menot to love you. That is beyond my power; and while my heart has apulse I must follow you. It is MY fate; your fate. Cease to battleagainst it, and be mine. Loveliest of your sex! with life alone canend my passion for you; and, indeed, it is only by dying at yourcommand that I can be brought to obey you. Do you wish me to die?'She said, laughing (for she was a woman of a lively, humorous turn),that she did not wish me to commit self-murder; and I felt from thatmoment that she was mine. * * * * * * * A year from that day, on the 15th of May, in the year 1773, I hadthe honour and happiness to lead to the altar Honoria, Countess ofLyndon, widow of the late Right Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon, K.B.The ceremony was performed at St. George's, Hanover Square, by theReverend Samuel Runt, her Ladyship's chaplain. A magnificent supperand ball was given at our house in Berkeley Square, and the nextmorning I had a duke, four earls, three generals, and a crowd of themost distinguished people in London at my levee. Walpole made alampoon about the marriage, and Selwyn cut jokes at the 'Cocoa-Tree.' Old Lady Tiptoff, although she had recommended it, was readyto bite off her fingers with vexation; and as for young Bullingdon,who was grown a tall lad of fourteen, when called upon by theCountess to embrace his papa, he shook his fist in my face and said,'He my father! I would as soon call one of your Ladyship's footmenPapa!'But I could afford to laugh at the rage of the boy and the oldwoman, and at the jokes of the wits of St. James's. I sent off aflaming account of our nuptials to my mother and my uncle the goodChevalier; and now, arrived at the pitch of prosperity, and having,at thirty years of age, by my own merits and energy, raised myselfto one of the highest social positions that any man in England couldoccupy, I determined to enjoy myself as became a man of quality forthe remainder of my life.After we had received the congratulations of our friends in London--for in those days people were not ashamed of being married, as theyseem to be now--I and Honoria (who was all complacency, and a mosthandsome, sprightly, and agreeable companion) set off to visit ourestates in the West of England, where I had never as yet set foot.We left London in three chariots, each with four horses; and myuncle would have been pleased could he have seen painted on theirpanels the Irish crown and the ancient coat of the Barrys beside theCountess's coronet and the noble cognisance of the noble family ofLyndon.Before quitting London, I procured His Majesty's gracious permissionto add the name of my lovely lady to my own; and henceforwardassumed the style and title of Barry Lyndon, as I have written it inthis autobiography.