Chapter 18

by William Makepeace Thackeray

　　MY GOOD FORTUNE BEGINS TO WAVER.And now, if any people should be disposed to think my historyimmoral (for I have heard some assert that I was a man who neverdeserved that so much prosperity should fall to my share), I willbeg those cavillers to do me the favour to read the conclusion of myadventures; when they will see it was no such great prize that I hadwon, and that wealth, splendour, thirty thousand per annum, and aseat in Parliament, are often purchased at too dear a rate, when onehas to buy those enjoyments at the price of personal liberty, andsaddled with the charge of a troublesome wife.They are the deuce, these troublesome wives, and that is the truth.No man knows until he tries how wearisome and disheartening theburthen of one of them is, and how the annoyance grows andstrengthens from year to year, and the courage becomes weaker tobear it; so that that trouble which seemed light and trivial thefirst year, becomes intolerable ten years after. I have heard of oneof the classical fellows in the dictionary who began by carrying acalf up a hill every day, and so continued until the animal grew tobe a bull, which he still easily accommodated upon his shoulders;but take my word for it, young unmarried gentlemen, a wife is a verymuch harder pack to the back than the biggest heifer in Smithfieldand, if I can prevent one of you from marrying, the 'Memoirs ofBarry Lyndon, Esq.' will not be written in vain. Not that my Ladywas a scold or a shrew, as some wives are; I could have managed tohave cured her of that; but she was of a cowardly, crying,melancholy, maudlin temper, which is to me still more odious: dowhat one would to please her, she would never be happy or in good-humour. I left her alone after a while; and because, as was naturalin my case, where a disagreeable home obliged me to seek amusementand companions abroad, she added a mean detestable jealousy to allher other faults: I could not for some time pay the commonestattention to any other woman, but my Lady Lyndon must weep, andwring her hands, and threaten to commit suicide, and I know notwhat.Her death would have been no comfort to me, as I leave any person ofcommon prudence to imagine; for that scoundrel of a young Bullingdon(who was now growing up a tall, gawky, swarthy lad, and about tobecome my greatest plague and annoyance) would have inherited everypenny of the property, and I should have been left considerablypoorer even than when I married the widow: for I spent my personalfortune as well as the lady's income in the keeping up of our rank,and was always too much a man of honour and spirit to save a pennyof Lady Lyndon's income. Let this be flung in the teeth of mydetractors, who say I never could have so injured the Lyndonproperty had I not been making a private purse for myself; and whobelieve that, even in my present painful situation, I have hoards ofgold laid by somewhere, and could come out as a Croesus when Ichoose. I never raised a shilling upon Lady Lyndon's property but Ispent it like a man of honour; besides incurring numberless personalobligations for money, which all went to the common stock.Independent of the Lyndon mortgages and incumbrances, I owe myselfat least one hundred and twenty thousand pounds, which I spent whilein occupancy of my wife's estate; so that I may justly say thatproperty is indebted to me in the above-mentioned sum.Although I have described the utter disgust and distaste whichspeedily took possession of my breast as regarded Lady Lyndon; andalthough I took no particular pains (for I am all frankness andabove-board) to disguise my feelings in general, yet she was of sucha mean spirit, that she pursued me with her regard in spite of myindifference to her, and would kindle up at the smallest kind word Ispoke to her. The fact is, between my respected reader and myself,that I was one of the handsomest and most dashing young men ofEngland in those days, and my wife was violently in love with me;and though I say it who shouldn't, as the phrase goes, my wife wasnot the only woman of rank in London who had a favourable opinion ofthe humble Irish adventurer. What a riddle these women are, I haveoften thought! I have seen the most elegant creatures at St. James'sgrow wild for love of the coarsest and most vulgar of men; thecleverest women passionately admire the most illiterate of our sex,and so on. There is no end to the contrariety in the foolishcreatures; and though I don't mean to hint that I am vulgar orilliterate, as the persons mentioned above (I would cut the throatof any man who dared to whisper a word against my birth or mybreeding), yet I have shown that Lady Lyndon had plenty of reason todislike me if she chose: but, like the rest of her silly sex, shewas governed by infatuation, not reason; and, up to the very lastday of our being together, would be reconciled to me, and fondle me,if I addressed her a single kind word.'Ah,' she would say, in these moments of tenderness--'Ah, Redmond,if you would always be so!' And in these fits of love she was themost easy creature in the world to be persuaded, and would havesigned away her whole property, had it been possible. And, I mustconfess, it was with very little attention on my part that I couldbring her into good-humour. To walk with her on the Mall, or atRanelagh, to attend her to church at St. James's, to purchase anylittle present or trinket for her, was enough to coax her. Such isfemale inconsistency! The next day she would be calling me 'Mr.Barry' probably, and be bemoaning her miserable fate that she evershould have been united to such a monster. So it was she was pleasedto call one of the most brilliant men in His Majesty's threekingdoms: and I warrant me other ladies had a much more flatteringopinion of me.Then she would threaten to leave me; but I had a hold of her in theperson of her son, of whom she was passionately fond: I don't knowwhy, for she had always neglected Bullingdon her older son, andnever bestowed a thought upon his health, his welfare, or hiseducation.It was our young boy, then, who formed the great bond of unionbetween me and her Ladyship; and there was no plan of ambition Icould propose in which she would not join for the poor lad's behoof,and no expense she would not eagerly incur, if it might by any meansbe shown to tend to his advancement. I can tell you, bribes wereadministered, and in high places too,--so near the royal person ofHis Majesty, that you would be astonished were I to mention whatgreat personages condescended to receive our loans. I got from theEnglish and Irish heralds a description and detailed pedigree of theBarony of Barryogue, and claimed respectfully to be reinstated in myancestral titles, and also to be rewarded with the Viscounty ofBallybarry. 'This head would become a coronet,' my Lady wouldsometimes say, in her fond moments, smoothing down my hair; and,indeed, there is many a puny whipster in their Lordships' house whohas neither my presence nor my courage, my pedigree, nor any of mymerits.The striving after this peerage I considered to have been one of themost unlucky of all my unlucky dealings at this period. I madeunheard-of sacrifices to bring it about. I lavished money here anddiamonds there. I bought lands at ten times their value; purchasedpictures and articles of vertu at ruinous prices. I gave repeatedentertainments to those friends to my claims who, being about theRoyal person, were likely to advance it. I lost many a bet to theRoyal Dukes His Majesty's brothers; but let these matters beforgotten, and, because of my private injuries, let me not bedeficient in loyalty to my Sovereign.The only person in this transaction whom I shall mention openly, isthat old scamp and swindler, Gustavus Adolphus, thirteenth Earl ofCrabs. This nobleman was one of the gentlemen of His Majesty'scloset, and one with whom the revered monarch was on terms ofconsiderable intimacy. A close regard had sprung up between them inthe old King's time; when His Royal Highness, playing at battledoreand shuttlecock with the young lord on the landing-place of thegreat staircase at Kew, in some moment of irritation the Prince ofWales kicked the young Earl downstairs, who, falling, broke his leg.The Prince's hearty repentance for his violence caused him to allyhimself closely with the person whom he had injured; and when HisMajesty came to the throne there was no man, it is said, of whom theEarl of Bute was so jealous as of my Lord Crabs. The latter was poorand extravagant, and Bute got him out of the way, by sending him onthe Russian and other embassies; but on this favourite's dismissal,Crabs sped back from the Continent, and was appointed almostimmediately to a place about His Majesty's person.It was with this disreputable nobleman that I contracted an unlucklyintimacy; when, fresh and unsuspecting, I first established myselfin town, after my marriage with Lady Lyndon: and, as Crabs wasreally one of the most entertaining fellows in the world, I took asincere pleasure in his company; besides the interesting desire Ihad in cultivating the society of a man who was so near the personof the highest personage in the realm.To hear the fellow, you would fancy that there was scarce anyappointment made in which he had not a share. He told me, forinstance, of Charles Fox being turned out of his place a day beforepoor Charley himself was aware of the fact. He told me when theHowes were coming back from America, and who was to succeed to thecommand there. Not to multiply instances, it was upon this personthat I fixed my chief reliance for the advancement of my claim tothe Barony of Barryogue and the Viscounty which I proposed to get.One of the main causes of expense which this ambition of mineentailed upon me was the fitting out and arming a company ofinfantry from the Castle Lyndon and Hackton estates in Ireland,which I offered to my gracious Sovereign for the campaign againstthe American rebels. These troops, superbly equipped and clothed,were embarked at Portsmouth in the year 1778; and the patriotism ofthe gentleman who had raised them was so acceptable at Court, that,on being presented by my Lord North, His Majesty condescended tonotice me particularly, and said, 'That's right, Mr. Lyndon, raiseanother company; and go with them, too!' But this was by no means,as the reader may suppose, to my notions. A man with thirty thousandpounds per annum is a fool to risk his life like a common beggar:and on this account I have always admired the conduct of my friendJack Bolter, who had been a most active and resolute cornet ofhorse, and, as such, engaged in every scrape and skirmish whichcould fall to his lot; but just before the battle of Minden hereceived news that his uncle, the great army contractor, was dead,and had left him five thousand per annum. Jack that instant appliedfor leave; and, as it was refused him on the eve of a generalaction, my gentleman took it, and never fired a pistol again: exceptagainst an officer who questioned his courage, and whom he winged insuch a cool and determined manner, as showed all the world that itwas from prudence and a desire of enjoying his money, not fromcowardice, that he quitted the profession of arms.When this Hackton company was raised, my stepson, who was nowsixteen years of age, was most eager to be allowed to join it, and Iwould have gladly consented to have been rid of the young man; buthis guardian, Lord Tiptoff, who thwarted me in everything, refusedhis permission, and the lad's military inclinations were balked. Ifhe could have gone on the expedition, and a rebel rifle had put anend to him, I believe, to tell the truth, I should not have beengrieved over-much; and I should have had the pleasure of seeing myother son the heir to the estate which his father had won with somuch pains.The education of this young nobleman had been, I confess, some ofthe loosest; and perhaps the truth is, I did neglect the brat. Hewas of so wild, savage, and insubordinate a nature, that I never hadthe least regard for him; and before me and his mother, at least,was so moody and dull, that I thought instruction thrown away uponhim, and left him for the most part to shift for himself. For twowhole years he remained in Ireland away from us; and when inEngland, we kept him mainly at Hackton, never caring to have theuncouth ungainly lad in the genteel company in the capital in whichwe naturally mingled. My own poor boy, on the contrary, was the mostpolite and engaging child ever seen: it was a pleasure to treat himwith kindness and distinction; and before he was five years old, thelittle fellow was the pink of fashion, beauty, and good breeding.In fact he could not have been otherwise, with the care both hisparents bestowed upon him, and the attentions that were lavishedupon him in every way. When he was four years old, I quarrelled withthe English nurse who had attended upon him, and about whom my wifehad been so jealous, and procured for him a French gouvernante, whohad lived with families of the first quality in Paris; and who, ofcourse, must set my Lady Lyndon jealous too. Under the care of thisyoung woman my little rogue learned to chatter French mostcharmingly. It would have done your heart good to hear the dearrascal swear Mort de ma vie! and to see him stamp his little foot,and send the manants and canaille of the domestics to the trentemille diables. He was precocious in all things: at a very early agehe would mimic everybody; at five, he would sit at table, and drinkhis glass of champagne with the best of us; and his nurse wouldteach him little French catches, and the last Parisian songs of Vadeand Collard,--pretty songs they were too; and would make such of hishearers as understood French burst with laughing, and, I promiseyou, scandalise some of the old dowagers who were admitted into thesociety of his mamma: not that there were many of them; for I didnot encourage the visits of what you call respectable people to LadyLyndon. They are sad spoilers of sport,--tale-bearers, enviousnarrow-minded people; making mischief between man and wife. Wheneverany of these grave personages in hoops and high heels used to maketheir appearance at Hackton, or in Berkeley Square, it was my chiefpleasure to frighten them off; and I would make my little Bryandance, sing, and play the diable a quatre, and aid him myself, so asto scare the old frumps.I never shall forget the solemn remonstrances of our old square-toesof a rector at Hackton, who made one or two vain attempts to teachlittle Bryan Latin, and with whose innumerable children I sometimesallowed the boy to associate. They learned some of Bryan's Frenchsongs from him, which their mother, a poor soul who understoodpickles and custards much better than French, used fondly toencourage them in singing; but which their father one day hearing,he sent Miss Sarah to her bedroom and bread and water for a week,and solemnly horsed Master Jacob in the presence of all his brothersand sisters, and of Bryan, to whom he hoped that flogging would actas a warning. But my little rogue kicked and plunged at the oldparson's shins until he was obliged to get his sexton to hold himdown, and swore, corbleu, morbleu, ventrebleu, that his young friendJacob should not be maltreated. After this scene, his reverenceforbade Bryan the rectory-house; on which I swore that his eldestson, who was bringing up for the ministry, should never have thesuccession of the living of Hackton, which I had thoughts ofbestowing on him; and his father said, with a canting hypocriticalair, which I hate, that Heaven's will must be done; that he wouldnot have his children disobedient or corrupted for the sake of abishopric, and wrote me a pompous and solemn letter, charged withLatin quotations, taking farewell of me and my house. 'I do so withregret,' added the old gentleman, 'for I have received so manykindnesses from the Hackton family that it goes to my heart to bedisunited from them. My poor, I fear, may suffer in consequence ofmy separation from you, and my being hence-forward unable to bringto your notice instances of distress and affliction; which, whenthey were known to you, I will do you the justice to say, yourgenerosity was always prompt to relieve.'There may have been some truth in this, for the old gentleman wasperpetually pestering me with petitions, and I know for a certainty,from his own charities, was often without a shilling in his pocket;but I suspect the good dinners at Hackton had a considerable sharein causing his regrets at the dissolution of our intimacy: and Iknow that his wife was quite sorry to forego the acquaintance ofBryan's gouvernante, Mademoiselle Louison, who had all the newestFrench fashions at her fingers' ends, and who never went to therectory but you would see the girls of the family turn out in newsacks or mantles the Sunday after.I used to punish the old rebel by snoring very loud in my pew onSundays during sermon-time; and I got a governor presently forBryan, and a chaplain of my own, when he became of age sufficient tobe separated from the women's society and guardianship. His Englishnurse I married to my head gardener, with a handsome portion; hisFrench gouvernante I bestowed upon my faithful German Fritz, notforgetting the dowry in the latter instance; and they set up aFrench dining-house in Soho, and I believe at the time I write theyare richer in the world's goods than their generous and free-handedmaster.For Bryan I now got a young gentleman from Oxford, the Rev. EdmundLavender, who was commissioned to teach him Latin, when the boy wasin the humour, and to ground him in history, grammar, and the otherqualifications of a gentleman. Lavender was a precious addition toour society at Hackton. He was the means of making a deal of funthere. He was the butt of all our jokes, and bore them with the mostadmirable and martyrlike patience. He was one of that sort of menwho would rather be kicked by a great man than not be noticed byhim; and I have often put his wig into the fire in the face of thecompany, when he would laugh at the joke as well as any man there.It was a delight to put him on a high-mettled horse, and send himafter the hounds,--pale, sweating, calling on us, for Heaven's sake,to stop, and holding on for dear life by the mane and the crupper.How it happened that the fellow was never killed I know not; but Isuppose hanging is the way in which his neck will be broke. He nevermet with any accident, to speak of, in our hunting-matches: but youwere pretty sure to find him at dinner in his place at the bottom ofthe table making the punch, whence he would be carried off fuddledto bed before the night was over. Many a time have Bryan and Ipainted his face black on those occasions. We put him into a hauntedroom, and frightened his soul out of his body with ghosts; we letloose cargoes of rats upon his bed; we cried fire, and filled hisboots with water; we cut the legs of his preaching-chair, and filledhis sermon-book with snuff. Poor Lavender bore it all with patience;and at our parties, or when we came to London, was amply repaid bybeing allowed to sit with the gentlefolks, and to fancy himself inthe society of men of fashion. It was good to hear the contempt withwhich he talked about our rector. 'He has a son, sir, who is aservitor: and a servitor at a small college,' he would say. 'Howcould you, my dear sir, think of giving the reversion of Hackton tosuch a low-bred creature?'I should now speak of my other son, at least my Lady Lyndon's: Imean the Viscount Bullingdon. I kept him in Ireland for some years,under the guardianship of my mother, whom I had installed at CastleLyndon; and great, I promise you, was her state in that occupation,and prodigious the good soul's splendour and haughty bearing. Withall her oddities, the Castle Lyndon estate was the best managed ofall our possessions; the rents were excellently paid, the charges ofgetting them in smaller than they would have been under themanagement of any steward. It was astonishing what small expensesthe good widow incurred; although she kept up the dignity of the twofamilies, as she would say. She had a set of domestics to attendupon the young lord; she never went out herself but in an old giltcoach and six; the house was kept clean and tight; the furniture andgardens in the best repair; and, in our occasional visits toIreland, we never found any house we visited in such good conditionas our own. There were a score of ready serving-lasses, and half asmany trim men about the castle; and everything in as fine conditionas the best housekeeper could make it. All this she did withscarcely any charges to us: for she fed sheep and cattle in theparks, and made a handsome profit of them at Ballinasloe; shesupplied I don't know how many towns with butter and bacon; and thefruit and vegetables from the gardens of Castle Lyndon got thehighest prices in Dublin market. She had no waste in the kitchen, asthere used to be in most of our Irish houses; and there was noconsumption of liquor in the cellars, for the old lady drank water,and saw little or no company. All her society was a couple of thegirls of my ancient flame Nora Brady, now Mrs. Quin; who with herhusband had spent almost all their property, and who came to see meonce in London, looking very old, fat, and slatternly, with twodirty children at her side. She wept very much when she saw me,called me 'Sir,' and 'Mr. Lyndon,' at which I was not sorry, andbegged me to help her husband; which I did, getting him, through myfriend Lord Crabs, a place in the excise in Ireland, and paying thepassage of his family and himself to that country. I found him adirty, cast-down, snivelling drunkard; and, looking at poor Nora,could not but wonder at the days when I had thought her a divinity.But if ever I have had a regard for a woman, I remain through lifeher constant friend, and could mention a thousand such instances ofmy generous and faithful disposition.Young Bullingdon, however, was almost the only person with whom shewas concerned that my mother could not keep in order. The accountsshe sent me of him at first were such as gave my paternal heartconsiderable pain. He rejected all regularity and authority. Hewould absent himself for weeks from the house on sporting or otherexpeditions. He was when at home silent and queer, refusing to makemy mother's game at piquet of evenings, but plunging into all sortsof musty old books, with which he muddled his brains; more at easelaughing and chatting with the pipers and maids in the servants'hall, than with the gentry in the drawing-room; always cutting jibesand jokes at Mrs. Barry, at which she (who was rather a slow womanat repartee) would chafe violently: in fact, leading a life ofinsubordination and scandal. And, to crown all, the young scapegracetook to frequenting the society of the Romish priest of the parish--a threadbare rogue, from some Popish seminary in France or Spain--rather than the company of the vicar of Castle Lyndon, a gentlemanof Trinity, who kept his hounds and drank his two bottles a day.Regard for the lad's religion made me not hesitate then how I shouldact towards him. If I have any principle which has guided me throughlife, it has been respect for the Establishment, and a hearty scornand abhorrence of all other forms of belief. I therefore sent myFrench body-servant, in the year 17--, to Dublin with a commissionto bring the young reprobate over; and the report brought to me wasthat he had passed the whole of the last night of his stay inIreland with his Popish friend at the mass-house; that he and mymother had a violent quarrel on the very last day; that, on thecontrary, he kissed Biddy and Dosy, her two nieces, who seemed verysorry that he should go; and that being pressed to go and visit therector, he absolutely refused, saying he was a wicked old Pharisee,inside whose doors he would never set his foot. The doctor wrote mea letter, warning me against the deplorable errors of this young impof perdition, as he called him; and I could see that there was nolove lost between them. But it appeared that, if not agreeable tothe gentry of the country, young Bullingdon had a huge popularityamong the common people. There was a regular crowd weeping round thegate when his coach took its departure. Scores of the ignorantsavage wretches ran for miles along by the side of the chariot; andsome went even so far as to steal away before his departure, andappear at the Pigeon-House at Dublin to bid him a last farewell. Itwas with considerable difficulty that some of these people could bekept from secreting themselves in the vessel, and accompanying theiryoung lord to England.To do the young scoundrel justice, when he came among us, he was amanly noble-looking lad, and everything in his bearing andappearance betokened the high blood from which he came. He was thevery portrait of some of the dark cavaliers of the Lyndon race,whose pictures hung in the gallery at Hackton: where the lad wasfond of spending the chief part of his time, occupied with the mustyold books which he took out of the library, and which I hate to seea young man of spirit poring over. Always in my company he preservedthe most rigid silence, and a haughty scornful demeanour; which wasso much the more disagreeable because there was nothing in hisbehaviour I could actually take hold of to find fault with: althoughhis whole conduct was insolent and supercilious to the highestdegree. His mother was very much agitated at receiving him on hisarrival; if he felt any such agitation he certainly did not show it.He made her a very low and formal bow when he kissed her hand; and,when I held out mine, put both his hands behind his back, stared mefull in the face, and bent his head, saying, 'Mr. Barry Lyndon, Ibelieve;' turned on his heel, and began talking about the state ofthe weather to his mother, whom he always styled 'Your Ladyship.'She was angry at this pert bearing, and, when they were alone,rebuked him sharply for not shaking hands with his father.'My father, madam?' said he; 'surely you mistake. My father was theRight Honourable Sir Charles Lyndon. I at least have not forgottenhim, if others have.' It was a declaration of war to me, as I saw atonce; though I declare I was willing enough to have received the boywell on his coming amongst us, and to have lived with him on termsof friendliness. But as men serve me I serve them. Who can blame mefor my after-quarrels with this young reprobate, or lay upon myshoulders the evils which afterwards befell? Perhaps I lost mytemper, and my subsequent treatment of him was hard. But it was hebegan the quarrel, and not I; and the evil consequences which ensuedwere entirely of his creating.As it is best to nip vice in the bud, and for a master of a familyto exercise his authority in such a manner as that there may be noquestion about it, I took the earliest opportunity of coming toclose quarters with Master Bullingdon; and the day after his arrivalamong us, upon his refusal to perform some duty which I requested ofhim, I had him conveyed to my study, and thrashed him soundly. Thisprocess, I confess, at first agitated me a good deal, for I hadnever laid a whip on a lord before; but I got speedily used to thepractice, and his back and my whip became so well acquainted, that Iwarrant there was very little ceremony between us after a while.If I were to repeat all the instances of the insubordination andbrutal conduct of young Bullingdon, I should weary the reader. Hisperseverance in resistance was, I think, even greater than mine incorrecting him: for a man, be he ever so much resolved to do hisduty as a parent, can't be flogging his children all day, or forevery fault they commit: and though I got the character of being socruel a stepfather to him, I pledge my word I spared him correctionwhen he merited it many more times than I administered it. Besides,there were eight clear months in the year when he was quit of me,during the time of my presence in London, at my place in Parliament,and at the Court of my Sovereign.At this period I made no difficulty to allow him to profit by theLatin and Greek of the old rector; who had christened him, and had aconsiderable influence over the wayward lad. After a scene or aquarrel between us, it was generally to the rectory-house that theyoung rebel would fly for refuge and counsel; and I must own thatthe parson was a pretty just umpire between us in our disputes. Oncehe led the boy back to Hackton by the hand, and actually brought himinto my presence, although he had vowed never to enter the doors inmy lifetime again, and said, 'He had brought his Lordship toacknowledge his error, and submit to any punishment I might thinkproper to inflict.' Upon which I caned him in the presence of two orthree friends of mine, with whom I was sitting drinking at the time;and to do him justice, he bore a pretty severe punishment withoutwincing or crying in the least. This will show that I was not toosevere in my treatment of the lad, as I had the authority of theclergyman himself for inflicting the correction which I thoughtproper.Twice or thrice, Lavender, Bryan's governor, attempted to punish myLord Bullingdon; but I promise you the rogue was too strong for him,and levelled the Oxford man to the ground with a chair: greatly tothe delight of little Byran, who cried out, 'Bravo, Bully! thumphim, thump him!' And Bully certainly did, to the governor's heart'scontent; who never attempted personal chastisement afterwards; butcontented himself by bringing the tales of his Lordship's misdoingsto me, his natural protector and guardian.With the child, Bullingdon was, strange to say, pretty tractable. Hetook a liking for the little fellow,--as, indeed, everybody who sawthat darling boy did,--liked him the more, he said, because he was'half a Lyndon.' And well he might like him, for many a time, at thedear angel's intercession of 'Papa, don't flog Bully to-day!' I haveheld my hand, and saved him a horsing, which he richly deserved.With his mother, at first, he would scarcely deign to have anycommunication. He said she was no longer one of the family. Whyshould he love her, as she had never been a mother to him? But itwill give the reader an idea of the dogged obstinacy and surlinessof the lad's character, when I mention one trait regarding him. Ithas been made a matter of complaint against me, that I denied himthe education befitting a gentleman, and never sent him to collegeor to school; but the fact is, it was of his own choice that he wentto neither. He had the offer repeatedly from me (who wished to seeas little of his impudence as possible), but he as repeatedlydeclined; and, for a long time, I could not make out what was thecharm which kept him in a house where he must have been far fromcomfortable.It came out, however, at last. There used to be very frequentdisputes between my Lady Lyndon and myself, in which sometimes shewas wrong, sometimes I was; and which, as neither of us had veryangelical tempers, used to run very high. I was often in liquor; andwhen in that condition, what gentleman is master of himself? PerhapsI did, in this state, use my Lady rather roughly; fling a glass ortwo at her, and call her by a few names that were not complimentary.I may have threatened her life (which it was obviously my interestnot to take), and have frightened her, in a word, considerably.After one of these disputes, in which she ran screaming through thegalleries, and I, as tipsy as a lord, came staggering after, itappears Bullingdon was attracted out of his room by the noise; as Icame up with her, the audacious rascal tripped up my heels, whichwere not very steady, and catching his fainting mother in his arms,took her into his own room; where he, upon her entreaty, swore hewould never leave the house as long as she continued united with me.I knew nothing of the vow, or indeed of the tipsy frolic which wasthe occasion of it; I was taken up 'glorious,' as the phrase is, bymy servants, and put to bed, and, in the morning, had no morerecollection of what had occurred any more than of what happenedwhen I was a baby at the breast. Lady Lyndon told me of thecircumstance years after; and I mention it here, as it enables me toplead honourably 'not guilty' to one of the absurd charges ofcruelty trumped up against me with respect to my stepson. Let mydetractors apologise, if they dare, for the conduct of a gracelessruffian who trips up the heels of his own natural guardian andstepfather after dinner.This circumstance served to unite mother and son for a little; buttheir characters were too different. I believe she was too fond ofme ever to allow him to be sincerely reconciled to her. As he grewup to be a man, his hatred towards me assumed an intensity quitewicked to think of (and which I promise you I returned withinterest): and it was at the age of sixteen, I think, that theimpudent young hangdog, on my return from Parliament one summer, andon my proposing to cane him as usual, gave me to understand that hewould submit to no farther chastisement from me, and said, grindinghis teeth, that he would shoot me if I laid hands on him. I lookedat him; he was grown, in fact, to be a tall young man, and I gave upthat necessary part of his education.It was about this time that I raised the company which was to servein America; and my enemies in the country (and since my victory overthe Tiptoffs I scarce need say I had many of them) began topropagate the most shameful reports regarding my conduct to thatprecious young scapegrace my stepson, and to insinuate that Iactually wished to get rid of him. Thus my loyalty to my Sovereignwas actually construed into a horrid unnatural attempt on my part onBullingdon's life; and it was said that I had raised the Americancorps for the sole purpose of getting the young Viscount to commandit, and so of getting rid of him. I am not sure that they had notfixed upon the name of the very man in the company who was orderedto despatch him at the first general action, and the bribe I was togive him for this delicate piece of service.But the truth is, I was of opinion then (and though the fulfilmentof my prophecy has been delayed, yet I make no doubt it will bebrought to pass ere long), that my Lord Bullingdon needed none of myaid in sending him into the other world; but had a happy knack offinding the way thither himself, which he would be sure to pursue.In truth, he began upon this way early: of all the violent, daring,disobedient scapegraces that ever caused an affectionate parentpain, he was certainly the most incorrigible; there was no beatinghim, or coaxing him, or taming him.For instance, with my little son, when his governor brought him intothe room as we were over the bottle after dinner, my Lord wouldbegin his violent and undutiful sarcasms at me.'Dear child,' he would say, beginning to caress and fondle him,'what a pity it is I am not dead for thy sake! The Lyndons wouldthen have a worthier representative, and enjoy all the benefit ofthe illustrious blood of the Barrys of Barryogue; would they not,Mr. Barry Lyndon?' He always chose the days when company, or theclergy or gentry of the neighbourhood, were present, to make theseinsolent speeches to me.Another day (it was Bryan's birthday) we were giving a grand balland gala at Hackton, and it was time for my little Bryan to make hisappearance among us, as he usually did in the smartest little court-suit you ever saw (ah me! but it brings tears into my old eyes nowto think of the bright looks of that darling little face). There wasa great crowding and tittering when the child came in, led by hishalf-brother, who walked into the dancing-room (would you believeit?) in his stocking-feet, leading little Bryan by the hand,paddling about in the great shoes of the elder! 'Don't you think hefits my shoes very well, Sir Richard Wargrave?' says the youngreprobate: upon which the company began to look at each other and totitter; and his mother, coming up to Lord Bullingdon with greatdignity, seized the child to her breast, and said, 'From the mannerin which I love this child, my Lord, you ought to know how I wouldhave loved his elder brother had he proved worthy of any mother'saffection!' and, bursting into tears, Lady Lyndon left theapartment, and the young lord rather discomfited for once.At last, on one occasion, his behaviour to me was so outrageous (itwas in the hunting-field and in a large public company), that I lostall patience, rode at the urchin straight, wrenched him out of hissaddle with all my force, and, flinging him roughly to the ground,sprang down to it myself, and administered such a correction acrossthe young caitiff's head and shoulders with my horsewhip as mighthave ended in his death, had I not been restrained in time; for mypassion was up, and I was in a state to do murder or any othercrime. The lad was taken home and put to bed, where he lay for a dayor two in a fever, as much from rage and vexation as from thechastisement I had given him; and three days afterwards, on sendingto inquire at his chamber whether he would join the family at table,a note was found on his table, and his bed was empty and cold. Theyoung villain had fled, and had the audacity to write in thefollowing terms regarding me to my wife, his mother:--'Madam,' he said, 'I have borne as long as mortal could endure theill-treatment of the insolent Irish upstart whom you have taken toyour bed. It is not only the lowness of his birth and the generalbrutality of his manners which disgust me, and must make me hate himso long as I have the honour to bear the name of Lyndon, which he isunworthy of, but the shameful nature of his conduct towards yourLadyship; his brutal and ungentlemanlike behaviour, his openinfidelity, his habits of extravagance, intoxication, his shamelessrobberies and swindling of my property and yours. It is theseinsults to you which shock and annoy me, more than the ruffian'sinfamous conduct to myself. I would have stood by your Ladyship as Ipromised, but you seem to have taken latterly your husband's part;and, as I cannot personally chastise this low-bred ruffian, who, toour shame be it spoken, is the husband of my mother; and as I cannotbear to witness his treatment of you, and loathe his horriblesociety as if it were the plague, I am determined to quit my nativecountry: at least during his detested life, or during my own. Ipossess a small income from my father, of which I have no doubt Mr.Barry will cheat me if he can; but which, if your Ladyship has somefeelings of a mother left, you will, perhaps, award to me. Messrs.Childs, the bankers, can have orders to pay it to me when due; ifthey receive no such orders, I shall be not in the least surprised,knowing you to be in the hands of a villain who would not scruple torob on the highway; and shall try to find out some way in life formyself more honourable than that by which the penniless Irishadventurer has arrived to turn me out of my rights and home.'This mad epistle was signed 'Bullingdon,' and all the neighboursvowed that I had been privy to his flight, and would profit by it;though I declare on my honour my true and sincere desire, afterreading the above infamous letter, was to have the author within agood arm's length of me, that I might let him know my opinionregarding him. But there was no eradicating this idea from people'sminds, who insisted that I wanted to kill Bullingdon; whereasmurder, as I have said, was never one of my evil qualities: and evenhad I wished to injure my young enemy ever so much, common prudencewould have made my mind easy, as I knew he was going to ruin his ownway.It was long before we heard of the fate of the audacious youngtruant; but after some fifteen months had elapsed, I had thepleasure of being able to refute some of the murderous calumnieswhich had been uttered against me, by producing a bill withBullingdon's own signature, drawn from General Tarleton's army inAmerica, where my company was conducting itself with the greatestglory, and with which my Lord was serving as a volunteer. There weresome of my kind friends who persisted still in attributing all sortsof wicked intentions to me. Lord Tiptoff would never believe that Iwould pay any bill, much more any bill of Lord Bullingdon's; oldLady Betty Grimsby, his sister, persisted in declaring the bill wasa forgery, and the poor dear lord dead; until there came a letter toher Ladyship from Lord Bullingdon himself, who had been at New Yorkat headquarters, and who described at length the splendid festivalgiven by the officers of the garrison to our distinguishedchieftains, the two Howes.In the meanwhile, if I had murdered my Lord, I could scarcely havebeen received with more shameful obloquy and slander than nowfollowed me in town and country. 'You will hear of the lad's death,be sure,' exclaimed one of my friends. 'And then his wife's willfollow,' added another. 'He will marry Jenny Jones,' added a third;and so on. Lavender brought me the news of these scandals about me:the country was up against me. The farmers on market-days used totouch their hats sulkily, and get out of my way; the gentlemen whofollowed my hunt now suddenly seceded from it, and left off myuniform; at the county ball, where I led out Lady Susan Capermore,and took my place third in the dance after the duke and the marquis,as was my wont, all the couples turned away as we came to them, andwe were left to dance alone. Sukey Capermore has a love of dancingwhich would make her dance at a funeral if anybody asked her, and Ihad too much spirit to give in at this signal instance of insulttowards me; so we danced with some of the very commonest low peopleat the bottom of the set--your apothecaries, wine-merchants,attorneys, and such scum as are allowed to attend our publicassemblies.The bishop, my Lady Lyndon's relative, neglected to invite us to thepalace at the assizes; and, in a word, every indignity was put uponme which could by possibility be heaped upon an innocent andhonourable gentleman.My reception in London, whither I now carried my wife and family,was scarcely more cordial. On paying my respects to my Sovereign atSt. James's, His Majesty pointedly asked me when I had news of LordBullingdon. On which I replied, with no ordinary presence of mind,'Sir, my Lord Bullingdon is fighting the rebels against yourMajesty's crown in America. Does your Majesty desire that I shouldsend another regiment to aid him?' On which the King turned on hisheel, and I made my bow out of the presence-chamber. When LadyLyndon kissed the Queen's hand at the drawing-room, I found thatprecisely the same question had been put to her Ladyship; and shecame home much agitated at the rebuke which had been administered toher. Thus it was that my loyalty was rewarded, and my sacrifice, infavour of my country, viewed! I took away my establishment abruptlyto Paris, where I met with a very different reception: but my stayamidst the enchanting pleasures of that capital was extremely short;for the French Government, which had been long tampering with theAmerican rebels, now openly acknowledged the independence of theUnited States. A declaration of war ensued: all we happy Englishwere ordered away from Paris; and I think I left one or two fairladies there inconsolable. It is the only place where a gentlemancan live as he likes without being incommoded by his wife. TheCountess and I, during our stay, scarcely saw each other except uponpublic occasions, at Versailles, or at the Queen's play-table; andour dear little Bryan advanced in a thousand elegant accomplishmentswhich rendered him the delight of all who knew him.I must not forget to mention here my last interview with my gooduncle, the Chevalier de Ballybarry, whom I left at Brussels withstrong intentions of making his salut, as the phrase is, and who hadgone into retirement at a convent there. Since then he had come intothe world again, much to his annoyance and repentance; having fallendesperately in love in his old age with a French actress, who haddone, as most ladies of her character do,--ruined him, left him, andlaughed at him. His repentance was very edifying. Under the guidanceof Messieurs of the Irish College, he once more turned his thoughtstowards religion; and his only prayer to me when I saw him and askedin what I could relieve him, was to pay a handsome fee to theconvent into which he proposed to enter.This I could not, of course, do: my religious principles forbiddingme to encourage superstition in any way; and the old gentleman and Iparted rather coolly, in consequence of my refusal, as he said, tomake his old days comfortable.I was very poor at the time, that is the fact; and entre nous, theRosemont of the French Opera, an indifferent dancer, but a charmingfigure and ankle, was ruining me in diamonds, equipages, andfurniture bills, added to which I had a run of ill-luck at play, andwas forced to meet my losses by the most shameful sacrifices to themoney-lenders, by pawning part of Lady Lyndon's diamonds (thatgraceless little Rosemont wheedled me out of some of them), and by athousand other schemes for raising money. But when Honour is in thecase, was I ever found backward at her call: and what man can saythat Barry Lyndon lost a bet which he did not pay?As for my ambitious hopes regarding the Irish peerage, I began, onmy return, to find out that I had been led wildly astray by thatrascal Lord Crabs; who liked to take my money, but had no moreinfluence to get me a coronet than to procure for me the Pope'stiara. The Sovereign was not a whit more gracious to me on returningfrom the Continent than he had been before my departure; and I hadit from one of the aides-de-camp of the Royal Dukes his brothers,that my conduct and amusements at Paris had been odiouslymisrepresented by some spies there, and had formed the subject ofRoyal comment; and that the King had, influenced by these calumnies,actually said I was the most disreputable man in the three kingdoms.I disreputable! I a dishonour to my name and country! When I heardthese falsehoods, I was in such a rage that I went off to Lord Northat once to remonstrate with the Minister; to insist upon beingallowed to appear before His Majesty and clear myself of theimputations against me, to point out my services to the Governmentin voting with them, and to ask when the reward that had beenpromised to me--viz., the title held by my ancestors--was again tobe revived in my person?There was a sleepy coolness in that fat Lord North which was themost provoking thing that the Opposition had ever to encounter fromhim. He heard me with half-shut eyes. When I had finished a longviolent speech--which I made striding about his room in DowningStreet, and gesticulating with all the energy of an Irishman--heopened one eye, smiled, and asked me gently if I had done. On myreplying in the affirmative, he said, 'Well, Mr. Barry, I'll answeryou, point by point. The King is exceedingly averse to make peers,as you know. Your claims, as you call them, have been laid beforehim, and His Majesty's gracious reply was, that you were the mostimpudent man in his dominions, and merited a halter rather than acoronet. As for withdrawing your support from us, you are perfectlywelcome to carry yourself and your vote whithersoever you please.And now, as I have a great deal of occupation, perhaps you will dome the favour to retire.' So saying, he raised his hand lazily tothe bell, and bowed me out; asking blandly if there was any otherthing in the world in which he could oblige me.I went home in a fury which can't be described; and having LordCrabs to dinner that day, assailed his Lordship by pulling his wigoff his head, and smothering it in his face, and by attacking him inthat part of the person where, according to report, he had beenformerly assaulted by Majesty. The whole story was over the town thenext day, and pictures of me were hanging in the clubs and print-shops performing the operation alluded to. All the town laughed atthe picture of the lord and the Irishman, and, I need not say,recognised both. As for me, I was one of the most celebratedcharacters in London in those days: my dress, style, and equipagebeing as well known as those of any leader of the fashion; and mypopularity, if not great in the highest quarters, was at leastconsiderable elsewhere. The people cheered me in the Gordon rows, atthe time they nearly killed my friend Jemmy Twitcher and burned LordMansfield's house down. Indeed, I was known as a staunch Protestant,and after my quarrel with Lord North veered right round to theOpposition, and vexed him with all the means in my power.These were not, unluckily, very great, for I was a bad speaker, andthe House would not listen to me, and presently, in 1780, after theGordon disturbance, was dissolved, when a general election tookplace. It came on me, as all my mishaps were in the habit of coming,at a most unlucky time. I was obliged to raise more money, at mostruinous rates, to face the confounded election, and had the Tiptoffsagainst me in the field more active and virulent than ever.My blood boils even now when I think of the rascally conduct of myenemies in that scoundrelly election. I was held up as the IrishBluebeard, and libels of me were printed, and gross caricaturesdrawn representing me flogging Lady Lyndon, whipping LordBullingdon, turning him out of doors in a storm, and I know notwhat. There were pictures of a pauper cabin in Ireland, from whichit was pretended I came; others in which I was represented as alacquey and shoeblack. A flood of calumny was let loose upon me, inwhich any man of less spirit would have gone down.But though I met my accusers boldly, though I lavished sums of moneyin the election, though I flung open Hackton Hall and kept champagneand Burgundy running there, and at all my inns in the town, ascommonly as water, the election went against me. The rascally gentryhad all turned upon me and joined the Tiptoff faction: it was evenrepresented that I held my wife by force; and though I sent her intothe town alone, wearing my colours, with Bryan in her lap, and madeher visit the mayor's lady and the chief women there, nothing wouldpersuade the people but that she lived in fear and trembling of me;and the brutal mob had the insolence to ask her why she dared to goback, and how she liked horsewhip for supper.I was thrown out of my election, and all the bills came down upon metogether--all the bills I had been contracting during the years ofmy marriage, which the creditors, with a rascally unanimity, sent inuntil they lay upon my table in heaps. I won't cite their amount: itwas frightful. My stewards and lawyers made matters worse. I wasbound up in an inextricable toil of bills and debts, of mortgagesand insurances, and all the horrible evils attendant upon them.Lawyers upon lawyers posted down from London; composition aftercomposition was made, and Lady Lyndon's income hampered almostirretrievably to satisfy these cormorants. To do her justice, shebehaved with tolerable kindness at this season of trouble; forwhenever I wanted money I had to coax her, and whenever I coaxed herI was sure of bringing this weak and light-minded woman to good-humour: who was of such a weak terrified nature, that to secure aneasy week with me she would sign away a thousand a year. And when mytroubles began at Hackton, and I determined on the only chance left,viz. to retire to Ireland and retrench, assigning over the best partof my income to the creditors until their demands were met, my Ladywas quite cheerful at the idea of going, and said, if we would bequiet, she had no doubt all would be well; indeed, was glad toundergo the comparative poverty in which we must now live for thesake of the retirement and the chance of domestic quiet which shehoped to enjoy.We went off to Bristol pretty suddenly, leaving the odious andungrateful wretches at Hackton to vilify us, no doubt, in ourabsence. My stud and hounds were sold off immediately; the harpieswould have been glad to pounce upon my person; but that was out oftheir power. I had raised, by cleverness and management, to the fullas much on my mines and private estates as they were worth; so thescoundrels were disappointed in This instance; and as for the plateand property in the London house, they could not touch that, as itwas the property of the heirs of the house of Lyndon.I passed over to Ireland, then, and took up my abode at CastleLyndon for a while; all the world imagining that I was an utterlyruined man, and that the famous and dashing Barry Lyndon would neveragain appear in the circles of which he had been an ornament. But itwas not so. In the midst of my perplexities, Fortune reserved agreat consolation for me still. Despatches came home from Americaannouncing Lord Cornwallis's defeat of General Gates in Carolina,and the death of Lord Bullingdon, who was present as a volunteer.For my own desires to possess a paltry Irish title I cared little.My son was now heir to an English earldom, and I made him assumeforthwith the title of Lord Viscount Castle Lyndon, the third of thefamily titles. My mother went almost mad with joy at saluting hergrandson as 'my Lord,' and I felt that all my sufferings andprivations were repaid by seeing this darling child advanced to sucha post of honour.