NINTH CHAPTER

by Charles Dickens

　　SAID I, one night, when I had conquered myself, 'Mr. Granville,' -Mr. Granville Wharton his name was, - 'I doubt if you have ever yetso much as seen Miss Fareway.' 'Well, sir,' returned he, laughing, 'you see her so much yourself,that you hardly leave another fellow a chance of seeing her.' 'I am her tutor, you know,' said I. And there the subject dropped for that time. But I so contrived asthat they should come together shortly afterwards. I hadpreviously so contrived as to keep them asunder; for while I lovedher, - I mean before I had determined on my sacrifice, - a lurkingjealousy of Mr. Granville lay within my unworthy breast. It was quite an ordinary interview in the Fareway Park but theytalked easily together for some time: like takes to like, and theyhad many points of resemblance. Said Mr. Granville to me, when heand I sat at our supper that night, 'Miss Fareway is remarkablybeautiful, sir, remarkably engaging. Don't you think so?' 'Ithink so,' said I. And I stole a glance at him, and saw that hehad reddened and was thoughtful. I remember it most vividly,because the mixed feeling of grave pleasure and acute pain that theslight circumstance caused me was the first of a long, long seriesof such mixed impressions under which my hair turned slowly gray. I had not much need to feign to be subdued; but I counterfeited tobe older than I was in all respects (Heaven knows! my heart beingall too young the while), and feigned to be more of a recluse andbookworm than I had really become, and gradually set up more andmore of a fatherly manner towards Adelina. Likewise I made mytuition less imaginative than before; separated myself from mypoets and philosophers; was careful to present them in their ownlight, and me, their lowly servant, in my own shade. Moreover, inthe matter of apparel I was equally mindful; not that I had everbeen dapper that way; but that I was slovenly now. As I depressed myself with one hand, so did I labour to raise Mr.Granville with the other; directing his attention to such subjectsas I too well knew interested her, and fashioning him (do notderide or misconstrue the expression, unknown reader of thiswriting; for I have suffered!) into a greater resemblance to myselfin my solitary one strong aspect. And gradually, gradually, as Isaw him take more and more to these thrown-out lures of mine, thendid I come to know better and better that love was drawing him on,and was drawing her from me. So passed more than another year; every day a year in its number ofmy mixed impressions of grave pleasure and acute pain; and thenthese two, being of age and free to act legally for themselves,came before me hand in hand (my hair being now quite white), and entreated me that I would unite them together. 'And indeed, deartutor,' said Adelina, 'it is but consistent in you that you shoulddo this thing for us, seeing that we should never have spokentogether that first time but for you, and that but for you we couldnever have met so often afterwards.' The whole of which wasliterally true; for I had availed myself of my many businessattendances on, and conferences with, my lady, to take Mr.Granville to the house, and leave him in the outer room withAdelina. I knew that my lady would object to such a marriage for herdaughter, or to any marriage that was other than an exchange of herfor stipulated lands, goods, and moneys. But looking on the two,and seeing with full eyes that they were both young and beautiful;and knowing that they were alike in the tastes and acquirementsthat will outlive youth and beauty; and considering that Adelinahad a fortune now, in her own keeping; and considering further thatMr. Granville, though for the present poor, was of a good familythat had never lived in a cellar in Preston; and believing thattheir love would endure, neither having any great discrepancy tofind out in the other, - I told them of my readiness to do thisthing which Adelina asked of her dear tutor, and to send themforth, husband and wife, into the shining world with golden gatesthat awaited them. It was on a summer morning that I rose before the sun to composemyself for the crowning of my work with this end; and my dwellingbeing near to the sea, I walked down to the rocks on the shore, inorder that I might behold the sun in his majesty. The tranquillity upon the deep, and on the firmament, the orderlywithdrawal of the stars, the calm promise of coming day, the rosysuffusion of the sky and waters, the ineffable splendour that thenburst forth, attuned my mind afresh after the discords of thenight. Methought that all I looked on said to me, and that all Iheard in the sea and in the air said to me, 'Be comforted, mortal,that thy life is so short. Our preparation for what is to followhas endured, and shall endure, for unimaginable ages.' I married them. I knew that my hand was cold when I placed it ontheir hands clasped together; but the words with which I had toaccompany the action I could say without faltering, and I was atpeace. They being well away from my house and from the place after oursimple breakfast, the time was come when I must do what I hadpledged myself to them that I would do, - break the intelligence tomy lady. I went up to the house, and found my lady in her ordinary business-room. She happened to have an unusual amount of commissions tointrust to me that day; and she had filled my hands with papersbefore I could originate a word. 'My lady,' I then began, as I stood beside her table. 'Why, what's the matter?' she said quickly, looking up. 'Not much, I would fain hope, after you shall have preparedyourself, and considered a little.' 'Prepared myself; and considered a little! You appear to haveprepared YOURSELF but indifferently, anyhow, Mr. Silverman.' Thismighty scornfully, as I experienced my usual embarrassment underher stare. Said I, in self-extenuation once for all, 'Lady Fareway, I have butto say for myself that I have tried to do my duty.' 'For yourself?' repeated my lady. 'Then there are othersconcerned, I see. Who are they?' I was about to answer, when she made towards the bell with a dartthat stopped me, and said, 'Why, where is Adelina?' 'Forbear! be calm, my lady. I married her this morning to Mr.Granville Wharton.' She set her lips, looked more intently at me than ever, raised herright hand, and smote me hard upon the cheek. 'Give me back those papers! give me back those papers!' She torethem out of my hands, and tossed them on her table. Then seatingherself defiantly in her great chair, and folding her arms, shestabbed me to the heart with the unlooked-for reproach, 'Youworldly wretch!' 'Worldly?' I cried. 'Worldly?' 'This, if you please,' - she went on with supreme scorn, pointingme out as if there were some one there to see, - 'this, if youplease, is the disinterested scholar, with not a design beyond hisbooks! This, if you please, is the simple creature whom any onecould overreach in a bargain! This, if you please, is Mr.Silverman! Not of this world; not he! He has too much simplicityfor this world's cunning. He has too much singleness of purpose tobe a match for this world's double-dealing. What did he give youfor it?' 'For what? And who?' 'How much,' she asked, bending forward in her great chair, andinsultingly tapping the fingers of her right hand on the palm ofher left, - 'how much does Mr. Granville Wharton pay you forgetting him Adelina's money? What is the amount of your percentageupon Adelina's fortune? What were the terms of the agreement thatyou proposed to this boy when you, the Rev. George Silverman,licensed to marry, engaged to put him in possession of this girl?You made good terms for yourself, whatever they were. He wouldstand a poor chance against your keenness.' Bewildered, horrified, stunned by this cruel perversion, I couldnot speak. But I trust that I looked innocent, being so. 'Listen to me, shrewd hypocrite,' said my lady, whose angerincreased as she gave it utterance; 'attend to my words, youcunning schemer, who have carried this plot through with such apractised double face that I have never suspected you. I had myprojects for my daughter; projects for family connection; projectsfor fortune. You have thwarted them, and overreached me; but I amnot one to be thwarted and overreached without retaliation. Do youmean to hold this living another month?' 'Do you deem it possible, Lady Fareway, that I can hold it anotherhour, under your injurious words?' 'Is it resigned, then?' 'It was mentally resigned, my lady, some minutes ago.' Don't equivocate, sir. IS it resigned?' 'Unconditionally and entirely; and I would that I had never, nevercome near it!' 'A cordial response from me to THAT wish, Mr. Silverman! But takethis with you, sir. If you had not resigned it, I would have hadyou deprived of it. And though you have resigned it, you will notget quit of me as easily as you think for. I will pursue you withthis story. I will make this nefarious conspiracy of yours, formoney, known. You have made money by it, but you have at the sametime made an enemy by it. YOU will take good care that the moneysticks to you; I will take good care that the enemy sticks to you.' Then said I finally, 'Lady Fareway, I think my heart is broken.Until I came into this room just now, the possibility of such meanwickedness as you have imputed to me never dawned upon my thoughts.Your suspicions - ' 'Suspicions! Pah!' said she indignantly. 'Certainties.' 'Your certainties, my lady, as you call them, your suspicions as Icall them, are cruel, unjust, wholly devoid of foundation in fact.I can declare no more; except that I have not acted for my ownprofit or my own pleasure. I have not in this proceedingconsidered myself. Once again, I think my heart is broken. If Ihave unwittingly done any wrong with a righteous motive, that issome penalty to pay.' She received this with another and more indignant 'Pah!' and I mademy way out of her room (I think I felt my way out with my hands,although my eyes were open), almost suspecting that my voice had arepulsive sound, and that I was a repulsive object. There was a great stir made, the bishop was appealed to, I receiveda severe reprimand, and narrowly escaped suspension. For years acloud hung over me, and my name was tarnished. But my heart did not break, if a broken heart involves death; for Ilived through it. They stood by me, Adelina and her husband, through it all. Thosewho had known me at college, and even most of those who had onlyknown me there by reputation, stood by me too. Little by little,the belief widened that I was not capable of what was laid to mycharge. At length I was presented to a college-living in asequestered place, and there I now pen my explanation. I pen it atmy open window in the summer-time, before me, lying in thechurchyard, equal resting-place for sound hearts, wounded hearts,and broken hearts. I pen it for the relief of my own mind, notforeseeing whether or no it will ever have a reader.