SEVENTH CHAPTER

by Charles Dickens

　　MY timidity and my obscurity occasioned me to live a secluded lifeat college, and to be little known. No relative ever came to visitme, for I had no relative. No intimate friends broke in upon mystudies, for I made no intimate friends. I supported myself on myscholarship, and read much. My college time was otherwise not sovery different from my time at Hoghton Towers. Knowing myself to be unfit for the noisier stir of socialexistence, but believing myself qualified to do my duty in amoderate, though earnest way, if I could obtain some smallpreferment in the Church, I applied my mind to the clericalprofession. In due sequence I took orders, was ordained, and beganto look about me for employment. I must observe that I had taken agood degree, that I had succeeded in winning a good fellowship, andthat my means were ample for my retired way of life. By this timeI had read with several young men; and the occupation increased myincome, while it was highly interesting to me. I once accidentallyoverheard our greatest don say, to my boundless joy, 'That he heardit reported of Silverman that his gift of quiet explanation, hispatience, his amiable temper, and his conscientiousness made himthe best of coaches.' May my 'gift of quiet explanation' come moreseasonably and powerfully to my aid in this present explanationthan I think it will! It may be in a certain degree owing to the situation of my college-rooms (in a corner where the daylight was sobered), but it is in amuch larger degree referable to the state of my own mind, that Iseem to myself, on looking back to this time of my life, to havebeen always in the peaceful shade. I can see others in thesunlight; I can see our boats' crews and our athletic young men onthe glistening water, or speckled with the moving lights of sunlitleaves; but I myself am always in the shadow looking on. Notunsympathetically, - God forbid! - but looking on alone, much as Ilooked at Sylvia from the shadows of the ruined house, or looked atthe red gleam shining through the farmer's windows, and listened tothe fall of dancing feet, when all the ruin was dark that night inthe quadrangle. I now come to the reason of my quoting that laudation of myselfabove given. Without such reason, to repeat it would have beenmere boastfulness. Among those who had read with me was Mr. Fareway, second son ofLady Fareway, widow of Sir Gaston Fareway, baronet. This younggentleman's abilities were much above the average; but he came of arich family, and was idle and luxurious. He presented himself tome too late, and afterwards came to me too irregularly, to admit ofmy being of much service to him. In the end, I considered it myduty to dissuade him from going up for an examination which hecould never pass; and he left college without a degree. After hisdeparture, Lady Fareway wrote to me, representing the justice of myreturning half my fee, as I had been of so little use to her son.Within my knowledge a similar demand had not been made in any othercase; and I most freely admit that the justice of it had notoccurred to me until it was pointed out. But I at once perceivedit, yielded to it, and returned the money - Mr. Fareway had been gone two years or more, and I had forgottenhim, when he one day walked into my rooms as I was sitting at mybooks. Said he, after the usual salutations had passed, 'Mr. Silverman, mymother is in town here, at the hotel, and wishes me to present youto her.' I was not comfortable with strangers, and I dare say I betrayedthat I was a little nervous or unwilling. 'For,' said he, withoutmy having spoken, 'I think the interview may tend to theadvancement of your prospects.' It put me to the blush to think that I should be tempted by aworldly reason, and I rose immediately. Said Mr. Fareway, as we went along, 'Are you a good hand atbusiness?' 'I think not,' said I. Said Mr. Fareway then, 'My mother is.' 'Truly?' said I. 'Yes: my mother is what is usually called a managing woman.Doesn't make a bad thing, for instance, even out of the spendthrifthabits of my eldest brother abroad. In short, a managing woman.This is in confidence.' He had never spoken to me in confidence, and I was surprised by hisdoing so. I said I should respect his confidence, of course, andsaid no more on the delicate subject. We had but a little way towalk, and I was soon in his mother's company. He presented me,shook hands with me, and left us two (as he said) to business. I saw in my Lady Fareway a handsome, well-preserved lady ofsomewhat large stature, with a steady glare in her great round darkeyes that embarrassed me. Said my lady, 'I have heard from my son, Mr. Silverman, that youwould be glad of some preferment in the church.' I gave my lady tounderstand that was so. 'I don't know whether you are aware,' my lady proceeded, 'that wehave a presentation to a living? I say WE have; but, in point offact, I have.' I gave my lady to understand that I had not been aware of this. Said my lady, 'So it is: indeed I have two presentations, - one totwo hundred a year, one to six. Both livings are in our county, -North Devonshire, - as you probably know. The first is vacant.Would you like it?' What with my lady's eyes, and what with the suddenness of thisproposed gift, I was much confused. 'I am sorry it is not the larger presentation,' said my lady,rather coldly; 'though I will not, Mr. Silverman, pay you the badcompliment of supposing that YOU are, because that would bemercenary, - and mercenary I am persuaded you are not.' Said I, with my utmost earnestness, 'Thank you, Lady Fareway, thankyou, thank you! I should be deeply hurt if I thought I bore thecharacter.' 'Naturally,' said my lady. 'Always detestable, but particularly ina clergyman. You have not said whether you will like the living?' With apologies for my remissness or indistinctness, I assured mylady that I accepted it most readily and gratefully. I added thatI hoped she would not estimate my appreciation of the generosity ofher choice by my flow of words; for I was not a ready man in thatrespect when taken by surprise or touched at heart. 'The affair is concluded,' said my lady; 'concluded. You will findthe duties very light, Mr. Silverman. Charming house; charminglittle garden, orchard, and all that. You will be able to takepupils. By the bye! No: I will return to the word afterwards.What was I going to mention, when it put me out?' My lady stared at me, as if I knew. And I didn't know. And thatperplexed me afresh. Said my lady, after some consideration, 'O, of course, how verydull of me! The last incumbent, - least mercenary man I ever saw,- in consideration of the duties being so light and the house sodelicious, couldn't rest, he said, unless I permitted him to helpme with my correspondence, accounts, and various little things ofthat kind; nothing in themselves, but which it worries a lady tocope with. Would Mr. Silverman also like to -? Or shall I -?' I hastened to say that my poor help would be always at herladyship's service. 'I am absolutely blessed,' said my lady, casting up her eyes (andso taking them off me for one moment), 'in having to do withgentlemen who cannot endure an approach to the idea of beingmercenary!' She shivered at the word. 'And now as to the pupil.' 'The -?' I was quite at a loss. 'Mr. Silverman, you have no idea what she is. She is,' said mylady, laying her touch upon my coat-sleeve, 'I do verily believe,the most extraordinary girl in this world. Already knows moreGreek and Latin than Lady Jane Grey. And taught herself! Has notyet, remember, derived a moment's advantage from Mr. Silverman'sclassical acquirements. To say nothing of mathematics, which sheis bent upon becoming versed in, and in which (as I hear from myson and others) Mr. Silverman's reputation is so deservedly high!' Under my lady's eyes I must have lost the clue, I felt persuaded;and yet I did not know where I could have dropped it. 'Adelina,' said my lady, 'is my only daughter. If I did not feelquite convinced that I am not blinded by a mother's partiality;unless I was absolutely sure that when you know her, Mr. Silverman,you will esteem it a high and unusual privilege to direct herstudies, - I should introduce a mercenary element into thisconversation, and ask you on what terms - ' I entreated my lady to go no further. My lady saw that I wastroubled, and did me the honour to comply with my request.