His Wedded Wife

by Rudyard Kipling

　　

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Shakespeare says something about worms, or it may be giants orbeetles, turning if you tread on them too severely. The safestplan is never to tread on a worm--not even on the last newsubaltern from Home, with his buttons hardly out of their tissuepaper, and the red of sappy English beef in his cheeks. This isthe story of the worm that turned. For the sake of brevity, wewill call Henry Augustus Ramsay Faizanne, "The Worm," although hereally was an exceedingly pretty boy, without a hair on his face,and with a waist like a girl's when he came out to the Second"Shikarris" and was made unhappy in several ways. The "Shikarris"are a high-caste regiment, and you must be able to do things well--play a banjo or ride more than a little, or sing, or act--to get onwith them.The Worm did nothing except fall off his pony, and knock chips outof gate-posts with his trap. Even that became monotonous after atime. He objected to whist, cut the cloth at billiards, sang outof tune, kept very much to himself, and wrote to his Mamma andsisters at Home. Four of these five things were vices which the"Shikarris" objected to and set themselves to eradicate. Every oneknows how subalterns are, by brother subalterns, softened and notpermitted to be ferocious. It is good and wholesome, and does noone any harm, unless tempers are lost; and then there is trouble.There was a man once--but that is another story.The "Shikarris" shikarred The Worm very much, and he boreeverything without winking. He was so good and so anxious tolearn, and flushed so pink, that his education was cut short, andhe was left to his own devices by every one except the SeniorSubaltern, who continued to make life a burden to The Worm. TheSenior Subaltern meant no harm; but his chaff was coarse, and hedidn't quite understand where to stop. He had been waiting toolong for his company; and that always sours a man. Also he was inlove, which made him worse.One day, after he had borrowed The Worm's trap for a lady who neverexisted, had used it himself all the afternoon, had sent a note toThe Worm purporting to come from the lady, and was telling the Messall about it, The Worm rose in his place and said, in his quiet,ladylike voice: "That was a very pretty sell; but I'll lay you amonth's pay to a month's pay when you get your step, that I work asell on you that you'll remember for the rest of your days, and theRegiment after you when you're dead or broke." The Worm wasn'tangry in the least, and the rest of the Mess shouted. Then theSenior Subaltern looked at The Worm from the boots upwards, anddown again, and said, "Done, Baby." The Worm took the rest of theMess to witness that the bet had been taken, and retired into abook with a sweet smile.Two months passed, and the Senior Subaltern still educated TheWorm, who began to move about a little more as the hot weather cameon. I have said that the Senior Subaltern was in love. Thecurious thing is that a girl was in love with the Senior Subaltern.Though the Colonel said awful things, and the Majors snorted, andmarried Captains looked unutterable wisdom, and the juniorsscoffed, those two were engaged.The Senior Subaltern was so pleased with getting his Company andhis acceptance at the same time that he forgot to bother The Worm.The girl was a pretty girl, and had money of her own. She does notcome into this story at all.One night, at the beginning of the hot weather, all the Mess,except The Worm, who had gone to his own room to write Homeletters, were sitting on the platform outside the Mess House. TheBand had finished playing, but no one wanted to go in. And theCaptains' wives were there also. The folly of a man in love isunlimited. The Senior Subaltern had been holding forth on themerits of the girl he was engaged to, and the ladies were purringapproval, while the men yawned, when there was a rustle of skirtsin the dark, and a tired, faint voice lifted itself:"Where's my husband?"I do not wish in the least to reflect on the morality of the"Shikarris;" but it is on record that four men jumped up as if theyhad been shot. Three of them were married men. Perhaps they wereafraid that their wives had come from Home unbeknownst. The fourthsaid that he had acted on the impulse of the moment. He explainedthis afterwards.Then the voice cried:--"Oh, Lionel!" Lionel was the SeniorSubaltern's name. A woman came into the little circle of light bythe candles on the peg-tables, stretching out her hands to the darkwhere the Senior Subaltern was, and sobbing. We rose to our feet,feeling that things were going to happen and ready to believe theworst. In this bad, small world of ours, one knows so little ofthe life of the next man--which, after all, is entirely his ownconcern-- that one is not surprised when a crash comes. Anythingmight turn up any day for any one. Perhaps the Senior Subalternhad been trapped in his youth. Men are crippled that wayoccasionally. We didn't know; we wanted to hear; and the Captains'wives were as anxious as we. If he HAD been trapped, he was to beexcused; for the woman from nowhere, in the dusty shoes, and graytravelling dress, was very lovely, with black hair and great eyesfull of tears. She was tall, with a fine figure, and her voice hada running sob in it pitiful to hear. As soon as the SeniorSubaltern stood up, she threw her arms round his neck, and calledhim "my darling," and said she could not bear waiting alone inEngland, and his letters were so short and cold, and she was his tothe end of the world, and would he forgive her. This did not soundquite like a lady's way of speaking. It was too demonstrative.Things seemed black indeed, and the Captains' wives peered undertheir eyebrows at the Senior Subaltern, and the Colonel's face setlike the Day of Judgment framed in gray bristles, and no one spokefor a while.Next the Colonel said, very shortly:--"Well, Sir?" and the womansobbed afresh. The Senior Subaltern was half choked with the armsround his neck, but he gasped out:--"It's a d----d lie! I neverhad a wife in my life!" "Don't swear," said the Colonel. "Comeinto the Mess. We must sift this clear somehow," and he sighed tohimself, for he believed in his "Shikarris," did the Colonel.We trooped into the ante-room, under the full lights, and there wesaw how beautiful the woman was. She stood up in the middle of usall, sometimes choking with crying, then hard and proud, and thenholding out her arms to the Senior Subaltern. It was like thefourth act of a tragedy. She told us how the Senior Subaltern hadmarried her when he was Home on leave eighteen months before; andshe seemed to know all that we knew, and more too, of his peopleand his past life. He was white and ashy gray, trying now andagain to break into the torrent of her words; and we, noting howlovely she was and what a criminal he looked, esteemed him a beastof the worst kind. We felt sorry for him, though.I shall never forget the indictment of the Senior Subaltern by hiswife. Nor will he. It was so sudden, rushing out of the dark,unannounced, into our dull lives. The Captains' wives stood back;but their eyes were alight, and you could see that they had alreadyconvicted and sentenced the Senior Subaltern. The Colonel seemedfive years older. One Major was shading his eyes with his hand andwatching the woman from underneath it. Another was chewing hismoustache and smiling quietly as if he were witnessing a play.Full in the open space in the centre, by the whist-tables, theSenior Subaltern's terrier was hunting for fleas. I remember allthis as clearly as though a photograph were in my hand. I rememberthe look of horror on the Senior Subaltern's face. It was ratherlike seeing a man hanged; but much more interesting. Finally, thewoman wound up by saying that the Senior Subaltern carried a doubleF. M. in tattoo on his left shoulder. We all knew that, and to ourinnocent minds it seemed to clinch the matter. But one of theBachelor Majors said very politely:--"I presume that your marriagecertificate would be more to the purpose?"That roused the woman. She stood up and sneered at the SeniorSubaltern for a cur, and abused the Major and the Colonel and allthe rest. Then she wept, and then she pulled a paper from herbreast, saying imperially:--"Take that! And let my husband--mylawfully wedded husband--read it aloud--if he dare!"There was a hush, and the men looked into each other's eyes as theSenior Subaltern came forward in a dazed and dizzy way, and tookthe paper. We were wondering as we stared, whether there wasanything against any one of us that might turn up later on. TheSenior Subaltern's throat was dry; but, as he ran his eye over thepaper, he broke out into a hoarse cackle of relief, and said to thewoman:--"You young blackguard!"But the woman had fled through a door, and on the paper waswritten:--"This is to certify that I, The Worm, have paid in fullmy debts to the Senior Subaltern, and, further, that the SeniorSubaltern is my debtor, by agreement on the 23d of February, as bythe Mess attested, to the extent of one month's Captain's pay, inthe lawful currency of the India Empire."Then a deputation set off for The Worm's quarters and found him,betwixt and between, unlacing his stays, with the hat, wig, sergedress, etc., on the bed. He came over as he was, and the"Shikarris" shouted till the Gunners' Mess sent over to know ifthey might have a share of the fun. I think we were all, exceptthe Colonel and the Senior Subaltern, a little disappointed thatthe scandal had come to nothing. But that is human nature. Therecould be no two words about The Worm's acting. It leaned as nearto a nasty tragedy as anything this side of a joke can. When mostof the Subalterns sat upon him with sofa-cushions to find out whyhe had not said that acting was his strong point, he answered veryquietly:--"I don't think you ever asked me. I used to act at Homewith my sisters." But no acting with girls could account for TheWorm's display that night. Personally, I think it was in badtaste. Besides being dangerous. There is no sort of use in playingwith fire, even for fun.The "Shikarris" made him President of the Regimental Dramatic Club;and, when the Senior Subaltern paid up his debt, which he did atonce, The Worm sank the money in scenery and dresses. He was agood Worm; and the "Shikarris" are proud of him. The only drawbackis that he has been christened "Mrs. Senior Subaltern;" and asthere are now two Mrs. Senior Subalterns in the Station, this issometimes confusing to strangers.Later on, I will tell you of a case something like, this, but withall the jest left out and nothing in it but real trouble.

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