Jupiter Doke, Brigadier-General

by Ambrose Bierce

  


Jupiter Doke, Brigadier-General is a satirical tale published in Wasp in 1885. Ambrose Bierce uses a series of vignettes reported in letters and newspapers to make humorous and biting commentary on military and political competency. That story starts when the Secretary of War offers the position of Brigadier-General of Volunteers to Jupiter Doke and details his hapless rise through misadventure.

  


Jupiter Doke, Brigadier-GeneralThe real Secretary of War in 1861, Joseph Holt, from Breckinridge, Kentucky

  Having faith in your patriotism and ability, the President has been pleasedto appoint you a brigadier-general of volunteers. Do you accept?

  From the Hon. Jupiter Doke to the Secretary of War.

  Hardpan, Illinois, Nov. 9, 1861.

  It is the proudest moment of my life. The office is one which should beneither sought nor declined. In times that try men's souls the patriotknows no North, no South, no East, no West. His motto should be: "Mycountry, my whole country and nothing but my country." I accept the greattrust confided in me by a free and intelligent people, and with a firmreliance on the principles of constitutional liberty, and invoking theguidance of an all-wise Providence, Ruler of Nations, shall labor so todischarge it as to leave no blot upon my political escutcheon. Say to hisExcellency, the successor of the immortal Washington in the Seat of Power,that the patronage of my office will be bestowed with an eye single tosecuring the greatest good to the greatest number, the stability ofrepublican institutions and the triumph of the party in all elections; andto this I pledge my life, my fortune and my sacred honor. I shall at onceprepare an appropriate response to the speech of the chairman of thecommittee deputed to inform me of my appointment, and I trust thesentiments therein expressed will strike a sympathetic chord in the publicheart, as well as command the Executive approval.

  From the Secretary of War to Major-General Blount Wardorg, Commanding theMilitary Department of Eastern Kentucky.

  Washington, November 14, 1861.

  I have assigned to your department Brigadier- General Jupiter Doke, whowill soon proceed to Distilleryville, on the Little Buttermilk River, andtake command of the Illinois Brigade at that point, reporting to you byletter for orders. Is the route from Covington by way of Bluegrass, OpossumCorners and Horsecave still infested with bushwackers, as reported in yourlast dispatch? I have a plan for cleaning them out.

  From Major-General Blount Wardorg to the Secretary of War.

  Louisville, Kentucky,November 20, 1861.

  The name and services of Brigadier-General Doke are unfamiliar to me, but Ishall be pleased to have the advantage of his skill. The route fromCovington to Distilleryville via Opossum Corners and Horsecave I have beencompelled to abandon to the enemy, whose guerilla warfare made itimpossible to keep it open without detaching too many troops from thefront. The brigade at Distilleryville is supplied by steamboats up theLittle Buttermilk.

  From the Secretary of War to Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke, Hardpan,Illinois.

  Washington, November 26, 1861.

  I deeply regret that your commission had been forwarded by mail before thereceipt of your letter of acceptance; so we must dispense with theformality of official notification to you by a committee. The President ishighly gratified by the noble and patriotic sentiments of your letter, anddirects that you proceed at once to your command at Distilleryville,Kentucky, and there report by letter to Major- General Wardorg atLouisville, for orders. It is important that the strictest secrecy beobserved regarding your movements until you have passed Covington, as it isdesired to hold the enemy in front of Distilleryville until you are withinthree days of him. Then if your approach is known it will operate as ademonstration against his right and cause him to strengthen it with hisleft now at Memphis, Tennessee, which it is desirable to capture first. Goby way of Bluegrass, Opossum Corners and Horsecave. All officers areexpected to be in full uniform when en route to the front.

  From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to the Secretary of War.

  Covington, Kentucky.December 7, 1861.

  I arrived yesterday at this point, and have given my proxy to Joel Briller,Esq., my wife's cousin, and a staunch Republican, who will worthilyrepresent Posey County in field and forum. He points with pride to astainless record in the halls of legislation, which have often echoed tohis soul-stirring eloquence on questions which lie at the very foundationof popular government. He has been called the Patrick Henry of Hardpan,where he has done yoeman's service in the cause of civil and religiousliberty. Mr. Briller left for Distilleryville last evening, and thestandard bearer of the Democratic host confronting that stronghold offreedom will find him a lion in his path. I have been asked to remain hereand deliver some addresses to the people in a local contest involvingissues of paramount importance. That duty being performed, I shall inperson enter the arena of armed debate and move in the direction of theheaviest firing, burning my ships behind me. I forward by this mail to hisExcellency the President a request for the appointment of my son, JabezLeonidas Doke, as postmaster at Hardpan. I would take it, sir, as a greatfavor if you would give the application a strong oral indorsement, as theappointment is in the line of reform. Be kind enough to inform me what arethe emoluments of the office I hold in the military arm, and if they are bysalary or fees. My mileage account will be transmitted monthly.

  From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to Major-General Blount Wardorg.

  Distilleryville, Kentucky.January 12, 1862.

  I arrived on the tented field yesterday by steamboat, the recent stormshaving inundated the landscape, covering, I understand, the greater part ofa congressional district. I am pained to find that Joel Briller, Esq., aprominent citizen of Posey County, Illinois, and who a far-seeing statesmanwho held my proxy, and who a month ago should have been thundering at thegates of Disunion, has not been heard from, and has doubtless beensacrificed upon the altar of his country. In him the American people lose abulwark of freedom. I would respectfully move that you designate acommittee to draw up resolutions of respect to his memory, and that theoffice holders and men under your command wear the usual badge of mourningfor thirty days. I shall at once place myself at the head of affairs here,and am now ready to entertain any suggestions which you may make, lookingto the better enforcement of the laws in this commonwealth. The militantDemocrats on the other side of the river appear to be contemplating extrememeasures. They have two large cannons facing this way, and yesterdaymorning, I am told, some of them came down to the water's edge and remainedin session for some time, making infamous allegations.

  From the Diary of Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke, at Distilleryville,Kentucky.

  January 12, 1862--On my arrival yesterday at the Hentry Clay Hotel (named inhonor of the late far-seeing statesman) I was waited on by a delegationconsisting of the three colonels intrusted with the command of theregiments of my brigade. It was an occasion that will be memorable in thepolitical annals of America. Forwarded copies of the speeches to the PoseyMaverick, to be spread upon the record of the ages. The gentlemen composingthe delegation unanimously reaffirmed their devotion to the principles ofnational unity and the Republican party. Was gratified to recognize in themmen of political prominence and untarnished escutcheons. At the subsequentbanquet, sentiments of lofty patriotism were expressed. Wrote to Mr.Wardorg at Louisville for instructions.

  January 13, 1862--Leased a prominent residence (the former incumbent beingabsent in arms against his country) for the term of one year, and wrote atonce for Mrs. Brigadier-General Doke and the vital issues--excepting JabezLeonidas. In the camp of treason opposite here there are supposed to bethree thousand misguided men laying the ax at the root of the tree ofliberty. They have a clear majority, many of our men having returnedwithout leave to their constituents. We could probably not poll more thantwo thousand votes. Have advised my heads of regiments to make a canvass ofthose remaining, all bolters to be read out of the phalanx.

  January 14, 1862--Wrote to the President, asking for the contract to supplythis command with firearms and regalia through my brother-in-law,prominently identified with the manufacturing interests of the country.Club of cannon soldiers arrived at Jayhawk, three miles back from here, ontheir way to join us in battle array. Marched my whole brigade to Jayhawkto escort them into town, but their chairman, mistaking us for the opposingparty, opened fire on the head of the procession and by the extraordinarynoise of the cannon balls (I had no conception of it!) so frightened myhorse that I was unseated without a contest. The meeting adjourned indisorder and returning to camp I found that a deputation of the enemy hadcrossed the river in our absence and made a division of the loaves andfishes. Wrote to the President, applying for the Gubernatorial Chair of theTerritory of Idaho.

  From Editorial Article in the Posey, Illinois, "Maverick," January 20,1862.

  Brigadier-General Doke's thrilling account, in another column, of theBattle of Distilleryville will make the heart of every loyal Illinoisianleap with exultation. The brilliant exploit marks an era in militaryhistory, and as General Doke says, "lays broad and deep the foundations ofAmerican prowess in arms." As none of the troops engaged, except thegallant author-chieftain (a host in himself) hails from Posey County, hejustly considered that a list of the fallen would only occupy our valuablespace to the exclusion of more important matter, but his account of thestrategic ruse by which he apparently abandoned his camp and so inveigled aperfidious enemy into it for the purpose of murdering the sick, theunfortunate countertempus at Jayhawk, the subsequent dash upon a trappedenemy flushed with a supposed success, driving their terrified legionsacross an impassable river which precluded pursuit--all these "movingaccidents by flood and field" are related with a pen of fire and have allthe terrible interest of romance.

  Verily, truth is stranger than fiction and the pen is mightier than thesword. When by the graphic power of the art preservative of all arts we arebrought face to face with such glorious events as these, the Maverick'senterprise in securing for its thousands of readers the services of sodistinguished a contributor as the Great Captain who made the history aswell as wrote it seems a matter of almost secondary importance. ForPresident in 1864 (subject to the decision of the Republican NationalConvention) Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke, of Illinois!

  From Major-General Blount Wardorg to Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke.

  Louisville, January 22, 1862.

  Your letter apprising me of your arrival at Distilleryville was delayed intransmission, having only just been received (open) through the courtesy ofthe Confederate department commander under a flag of truce. He begs me toassure you that he would consider it an act of cruelty to trouble you, andI think it would be. Maintain, however, a threatening attitude, but at theleast pressure retire. Your position is simply an outpost which it is notintended to hold.

  From Major-General Blount Wardorg to the Secretary of War.

  Louisville, January 23, 1862.

  I have certain information that the enemy has concentrated twenty thousandtroops of all arms on the Little Buttermilk. According to your assignment,General Doke is in command of the small brigade of raw troops opposingthem. It is no part of my plan to contest the enemy's advance at thatpoint, but I cannot hold myself responsible for any reverses to the brigadementioned, under its present commander. I think him a fool.

  From the Secretary of War to Major-General Blount Wardorg.

  Washington, February 1, 1862.

  The President has great faith in General Doke. If your estimate of him iscorrect, however, he would seem to be singularly well placed where he nowis, as your plans appear to contemplate a considerable sacrifice forwhatever advantages you expect to gain.

  From Brigadier-General Jupiter Doke to Major-General Blount Wardorg.

  Distilleryville, February 1, 1862.

  To-morrow I shall remove my headquarters to Jayhawk in order to point theway whenever my brigade retires from Distilleryville, as foreshadowed byyour letter of the 22d ult. I have appointed a Committee on Retreat, theminutes of whose first meeting I transmit to you. You will perceive thatthe committee having been duly organized by the election of a chairman andsecretary, a resolution (prepared by myself) was adopted, to the effectthat in case treason again raises her hideous head on this side of theriver every man of the brigade is to mount a mule, the procession to movepromptly to Louisville and the loyal North. In preparation for such anemergency I have for some time been collecting mules from the residentDemocracy, and have on hand 2300 in a field at Jayhawk. Eternal vigilanceis the price of liberty!

  From Major-General Gibeon J. Buxter, C.S.A., to the Confederate Secretaryof War.

  Bung Station, Kentucky.February 4, 1862.

  On the night of the 2d inst., our entire force, consisting of 25,000 menand thirty-two field pieces, under command of Major General Simmons B.Flood, crossed by a ford to the north side of Little Buttermilk River at apoint three miles above Distilleryville and moved obliquely down and awayfrom the stream, to strike the Covington turnpike at Jayhawk; the objectbeing, as you know, to capture Covington, destroy Cincinnati and occupy theOhio Valley. For some months there had been in our front only a smallbrigade of undisciplined troops, apparently without a commander, who wereuseful to us, for by not disturbing them we could create an impression ofour weakness. But the movement on Jayhawk having isolated them, I was aboutto detach an Alabama regiment to bring them in, my division being theleading one, when an earth-shaking rumble was felt and heard, and suddenlythe head-of-column was struck by one of the terrible tornadoes for whichthis region is famous, and utterly annihilated. The tornado, I believe,passed along the entire length of the road back to the ford, dispersing ordestroying our entire army; but of this I cannot be sure, for I was liftedfrom the earth insensible and blown back to the south side of the river.Continuous firing all night on the north side and the reports of such ofour men as have recrossed at the ford convince me that the Yankee brigadehas exterminated the disabled survivors. Our loss has been uncommonlyheavy. Of my own division of 15,000 infantry, the casualties--killed,wounded, captured, and missing--are 14,994. Of General Dolliver Billow'sdivision, 11,200 strong, I can find but two officers and a cook. Of theartillery, 800 men, none has reported on this side of the river. GeneralFlood is dead. I have assumed command of the expeditionary force, but owingto the heavy losses have deemed it advisable to contract my line ofsupplies as rapidly as possible. I shall push southward to-morrow morningearly. The purposes of the campaign have been as yet but partlyaccomplished.

  From Major-General Dolliver Billows, C.S.A., to the Confederate Secretaryof War.

  Buhac, Kentucky, February 5, 1862.

  ...But during the 2d they had, unknown to us, been reinforced by fiftythousand cavalry, and being apprised of our movement by a spy, this vastbody was drawn up in the darkness at Jayhawk, and as the head of our columnreached that point at about 11 P.M., fell upon it with astonishing fury,destroying the division of General Buxter in an instant. GeneralBaumschank's brigade of artillery, which was in the rear, may haveescaped--I did not wait to see, but withdrew my division to the river at apoint several miles above the ford, and at daylight ferried it across ontwo fence rails lashed together with a suspender. Its losses, from aneffective strength of 11,200, are 11,199. General Buxter is dead. I amchanging my base to Mobile, Alabama.

  Resolutions of Congress, February 15, 1862.

  Resolved, That the thanks of Congress are due, and hereby tendered toBrigadier-General Jupiter Doke and the gallant men under his command fortheir unparalleled feat of attacking--themselves only 2000 strong--an army of25,000 men and utterly overthrowing it, killing 5327, making prisoners of19,003, of whom more than half were wounded, taking 32 guns, 20,000 standof small arms and, in short, the enemy's entire equipment.

  Resolved, That for this unexampled victory the President be requested todesignate a day of thanks-giving and public celebration of religious ritesin the various churches.

  Resolved, That he be requested, in further commemoration of the greatevent, and in reward of the gallant spirits whose deeds have added suchimperishable lustre to the American arms, to appoint, with the advice andconsent of the Senate, the following officer:

  One major-general.

  Statement of Mr. Hannibal Alcazar Peyton of Jayhawk, Kentucky.

  Dat wus a almighty dark night, sho', and dese yere ole eyes aint wuf shuks,but I's got a year like a sque'l, an' w'en I cotch de mummer o' v'ices Iknowed dat gang b'long on de far side o' de ribber. So I jes' runs in dehouse an' wakes Marse Doke an' tells him: "Skin outer dis fo' yo' life!"An' de Lo'd bress my soul! ef dat man didn' go right frude winder in hisshir'tail an' break for to cross de mule patch! An' dem twenty-free hundredmules dey jes' t'ink it is de debble hese'f wid de brandin' iron, an' deybu'st outen dat patch like a yarthquake, an' pile inter de upper ford road,an' flash down it five deep, an' it full o' Confed'rates from en' to en'!...


Jupiter Doke, Brigadier-General was featured as TheShort Story of the Day on Thu, Nov 16, 2017

  


Looking for further insight and a detailed explanation of this story? Check out this excellent post over at The American Literary Blog.


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