S

by Ambrose Bierce

　　SABBATH,n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the worldin six days and was arrested on the seventh. Among the Jews observance ofthe day was enforced by a Commandment of which this is the Christian version:"Remember the seventh day to make thy neighbor keep it wholly."To the Creator it seemed fit and expedient that the Sabbath should be thelast day of the week, but the Early Fathers of the Church held other views.So great is the sanctity of the day that even where the Lord holds a doubtfuland precarious jurisdiction over those who go down to (and down into) thesea it is reverently recognized, as is manifest in the following deep-waterversion of the Fourth Commandment: Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able,

　　And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable.

　　Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the

　　captain with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divine

　　ordinance.

　　SACERDOTALIST, n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman isa priest. Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challenge thatis now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by the Neo-Dictionarians.

　　SACRAMENT, n. A solemn religious ceremony to which several degreesof authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments,but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they canafford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller sectshave no sacraments at all -- for which mean economy they will indubitablebe damned.

　　SACRED, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divinecharacter; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama ofThibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the Cowin India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; the Muftiof Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc.

　　All things are either sacred or profane.

　　The former to ecclesiasts bring gain;

　　The latter to the devil appertain.

　　Dumbo Omohundro

　　SANDLOTTER, n. A vertebrate mammal holding the political viewsof Denis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whose audiencesgathered in the open spaces (sandlots) of the town. True to the traditionsof his species, this leader of the proletariat was finally bought offby his law-and-order enemies, living prosperously silent and dying impenitentlyrich. But before his treason he imposed upon California a constitutionthat was a confection of sin in a diction of solecisms. The similaritybetween the words "sandlotter" and "sansculotte" isproblematically significant, but indubitably suggestive.

　　SAFETY-CLUTCH, n. A mechanical device acting automatically toprevent the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to thehoisting apparatus.

　　Once I seen a human ruin

　　In an elevator-well,

　　And his members was bestrewin'

　　All the place where he had fell.

　　And I says, apostrophisin'

　　That uncommon woful wreck:

　　"Your position's so surprisin'

　　That I tremble for your neck!"

　　Then that ruin, smilin' sadly

　　And impressive, up and spoke:

　　"Well, I wouldn't tremble badly,

　　For it's been a fortnight broke."

　　Then, for further comprehension

　　Of his attitude, he begs

　　I will focus my attention

　　On his various arms and legs --

　　How they all are contumacious;

　　Where they each, respective, lie;

　　How one trotter proves ungracious,

　　T'other one an alibi.

　　These particulars is mentioned

　　For to show his dismal state,

　　Which I wasn't first intentioned

　　To specifical relate.

　　None is worser to be dreaded

　　That I ever have heard tell

　　Than the gent's who there was spreaded

　　In that elevator-well.

　　Now this tale is allegoric --

　　It is figurative all,

　　For the well is metaphoric

　　And the feller didn't fall.

　　I opine it isn't moral

　　For a writer-man to cheat,

　　And despise to wear a laurel

　　As was gotten by deceit.

　　For 'tis Politics intended

　　By the elevator, mind,

　　It will boost a person splendid

　　If his talent is the kind.

　　Col. Bryan had the talent

　　(For the busted man is him)

　　And it shot him up right gallant

　　Till his head begun to swim.

　　Then the rope it broke above him

　　And he painful come to earth

　　Where there's nobody to love him

　　For his detrimented worth.

　　Though he's livin' none would know him,

　　Or at leastwise not as such.

　　Moral of this woful poem:

　　Frequent oil your safety-clutch.

　　Porfer Poog

　　SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.The Duchess of Orleansrelates that the irreverent old calumniator, Marshal Villeroi, who inhis youth had known St. Francis

　　de Sales, said, on hearing him called saint: "I am delighted to hearthat Monsieur de Sales is a saint. He was fond of saying indelicate things,and used to cheat at cards. In other respects he was a perfect gentleman,though a fool."

　　SALACITY, n. A certain literary quality frequently observed inpopular novels, especially in those written by women and young girls,who give it another name and think that in introducing it they are occupyinga neglected field of letters and reaping an overlooked harvest. If theyhave the misfortune to live long enough they are

　　tormented with a desire to burn their sheaves.

　　SALAMANDER, n. Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later, ananthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile. Salamanders are nowbelieved to be extinct, the last one of which we have an account havingbeen seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised it with a bucketof holy water.

　　SARCOPHAGUS, n. Among the Greeks a coffin which being made ofa certain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of devouringthe body placed in it. The sarcophagus known to modern obsequiographersis commonly a product of the carpenter's art.

　　SATAN, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented insashcloth and axes. Being instated as an archangel, Satan made himselfmultifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from Heaven. Halfwayin his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a moment and at lastwent back. "There is one favor that I should like to ask," saidhe. "Name it." "Man, I understand, is about to be created.He will need laws." "What, wretch! you his appointed adversary,charged from the dawn of eternity with hatred of his soul -- you ask forthe right to make his laws?" "Pardon; what I have to ask isthat he be permitted to make them himself."It was so ordered.

　　SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he haseaten its contents, madam.

　　SATIRE, n. An obsolete kind of literary composition in which thevices and follies of the author's enemies were expounded with imperfecttenderness. In this country satire never had more than a sickly and uncertainexistence, for the soul of it is wit, wherein we are dolefully deficient,the humor that we mistake for it, like all humor, being tolerant and sympathetic.Moreover, although Americans are "endowed by their Creator"with abundant vice and folly, it is not generally known that these arereprehensible qualities, wherefore the satirist is popularly regardedas a soul-spirited knave, and his ever victim's outcry for codefendantsevokes a national assent.

　　Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung

　　In the dead language of a mummy's tongue,

　　For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well --

　　Thy spirit (usefully employed) in Hell.

　　Had it been such as consecrates the Bible

　　Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel.

　　Barney Stims

　　SATYR, n. One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology accordedrecognition in the Hebrew. (Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The satyr was at firsta member of the dissolute community acknowledging a loose allegiance withDionysius, but underwent many transformations and improvements. Not infrequentlyhe is confounded with the faun, a later and decenter creation of the Romans,who was less like a man and more like a goat.

　　SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment.A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one saucehas only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented and accepteda vice is renounced and forgiven.

　　SAW, n. A trite popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and colloquial.)So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. Following are examplesof old saws fitted with new teeth.

　　A penny saved is a penny to squander.

　　A man is known by the company that he organizes.

　　A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that.

　　A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.

　　Better late than before anybody has invited you.

　　Example is better than following it.

　　Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is muchelse.

　　Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.

　　What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebodyto do it.

　　Least said is soonest disavowed.

　　He laughs best who laughs least.

　　Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it.

　　Of two evils choose to be the least.

　　Strike while your employer has a big contract.

　　Where there's a will there's a won't.

　　SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, alliedto our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality,the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity. Its habitof incubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended itto the favor of the priesthood, and may some day assure it an equal reverenceamong ourselves. True, the American beetle is an inferior beetle, butthe American priest is an inferior priest.

　　SCARABEE, n. The same as scarabaeus.

　　He fell by his own hand

　　Beneath the great oak tree.

　　He'd traveled in a foreign land.

　　He tried to make her understand

　　The dance that's called the Saraband,

　　But he called it Scarabee.

　　He had called it so through an afternoon,

　　And she, the light of his harem if so might be,

　　Had smiled and said naught. O the body was fair to see,

　　All frosted there in the shine o' the moon --

　　Dead for a Scarabee

　　And a recollection that came too late.

　　O Fate!

　　They buried him where he lay,

　　He sleeps awaiting the Day,

　　In state,

　　And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan,

　　Gloom over the grave and then move on.

　　Dead for a Scarabee!

　　Fernando Tapple

　　SCARIFICATION, n. A form of penance practised by the mediaevalpious. The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes witha hot iron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitentspared himself no pain nor harmless disfigurement. Scarification, withother crude penances, has now been superseded by benefaction. The foundingof a library or endowment of a university is said to yield to the penitenta sharper and more lasting pain than is conferred by the knife or iron,and is therefore a surer means of grace. There are, however, two graveobjections to it as a penitential method: the good that it does and thetaint of justice.

　　SCEPTER, n. A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of hisauthority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign admonishedhis jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the bones of theirproponents.

　　SCIMETAR, n. A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conductof which certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the incidenthere related will serve to show. The account is translated from the Japaneseby Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenth century.

　　When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned to

　　decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court. Soon after

　　the hour appointed for performance of the rite what was his

　　Majesty's surprise to see calmly approaching the throne the man

　　who should have been at that time ten minutes dead!

　　"Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the enraged

　　monarch. "Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place and

　　have your head struck off by the public executioner at three

　　o'clock? And is it not now 3:10?"

　　"Son of a thousand illustrious deities," answered the

　　condemned minister, "all that you say is so true that the truth is

　　a lie in comparison. But your heavenly Majesty's sunny and

　　vitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded. With joy I

　　ran and placed my unworthy body in the market-place. The

　　executioner appeared with his bare scimetar, ostentatiously

　　whirled it in air, and then, tapping me lightly upon the neck,

　　strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I was ever a

　　favorite. I am come to pray for justice upon his own dishonorable

　　and treasonous head."

　　"To what regiment of executioners does the black-boweled

　　caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado.

　　"To the gallant Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh -- I

　　know the man. His name is Sakko-Samshi."

　　"Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to an

　　attendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in the

　　Presence.

　　"Thou bastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!"

　　roared the sovereign -- "why didst thou but lightly tap the neck

　　that it should have been thy pleasure to sever?"

　　"Lord of Cranes of Cherry Blooms," replied the executioner,

　　unmoved, "command him to blow his nose with his fingers."

　　Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and trumpeted

　　like an elephant, all expecting to see the severed head flung

　　violently from him. Nothing occurred: the performance prospered

　　peacefully to the close, without incident.

　　All eyes were now turned on the executioner, who had grown as

　　white as the snows on the summit of Fujiama. His legs trembled

　　and his breath came in gasps of terror.

　　"Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "Iam a

　　ruined and disgraced swordsman! I struck the villain feebly

　　because in flourishing the scimetar I had accidentally passed it

　　through my own neck! Father of the Moon, I resign my office."

　　So saying, he gasped his top-knot, lifted off his head, and

　　advancing to the throne laid it humbly at the Mikado's feet.

　　SCRAP-BOOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Manypersons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing whateverthey happen to read about themselves or employ others to collect. Oneof these egotists was addressed in the lines following, by Agamemnon MelancthonPeters:

　　Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast

　　You keep a record true

　　Of every kind of peppered roast

　　That's made of you;

　　Wherein you paste the printed gibes

　　That revel round your name,

　　Thinking the laughter of the scribes

　　Attests your fame;

　　Where all the pictures you arrange

　　That comic pencils trace --

　　Your funny figure and your strange

　　Semitic face --

　　Pray lend it me. Wit I have not,

　　Nor art, but there I'll list

　　The daily drubbings you'd have got

　　Had God a fist.

　　SCRIBBLER, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonisticto one's own.

　　SCRIPTURES, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguishedfrom the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

　　SEAL, n. A mark impressed upon certain kinds of documents to attesttheir authenticity and authority. Sometimes it is stamped upon wax, andattached to the paper, sometimes into the paper itself. Sealing, in thissense, is a survival of an ancient custom of inscribing important paperswith cabalistic words or signs to give them a magical efficacy independentof the authority that they represent. In the

　　British museum are preserved many ancient papers, mostly of a sacerdotalcharacter, validated by necromantic pentagrams and other devices, frequentlyinitial letters of words to conjure with; and in many instances theseare attached in the same way that seals are appended now. As nearly everyreasonless and apparently meaningless

　　custom, rite or observance of modern times had origin in some remote utility,it is pleasing to note an example of ancient nonsense evolving in theprocess of ages into something really useful. Our word "sincere"is derived from _sine cero_, without wax, but the learned are not in agreementas to whether this refers to the absence of the cabalistic signs, or tothat of the wax with which letters were formerly closed from public scrutiny.Either view of the matter will serve one in immediate need of an hypothesis.The initials L.S., commonly appended to signatures of legal documents,mean locum sigillis, the place of the seal, although the seal isno longer used -- an admirable example of conservatism distinguishingMan from the beasts that perish. The words locum sigillis are humblysuggested as a suitable motto for the Pribyloff Islands whenever theyshall take their place as a sovereign State of the American Union.

　　SEINE, n. A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change ofenvironment. For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are moreeasily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with small, cutstones.

　　The devil casting a seine of lace,

　　(With precious stones 'twas weighted)

　　Drew it into the landing place

　　And its contents calculated.

　　All souls of women were in that sack --

　　A draft miraculous, precious!

　　But ere he could throw it across his back

　　They'd all escaped through the meshes.

　　Baruch de Loppis

　　SELF-ESTEEM, n. An erroneous appraisement.

　　SELF-EVIDENT, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else.

　　SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

　　SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high dutiesand misdemeanors.

　　SERIAL, n. A literary work, usually a story that is not true,creeping through several issues of a newspaper or magazine. Frequentlyappended to each installment is a "synposis of preceding chapters"for those who have not read them, but a direr need is a synposis of succeedingchapters for those who do not intend to read them. A synposis ofthe entire work would be still better. The late James F. Bowman was writinga serial tale for a weekly paper in collaboration with a genius whosename has not come down to us. They wrote, not jointly but alternately,Bowman supplying the installment for one week, his friend for the next,and so on, world without end, they hoped. Unfortunately they quarreled,and one Monday morning when Bowman read the paper to prepare himself forhis task, he found his work cut out for him in a way to surprise and painhim. His collaborator had embarked every character of the narrative ona ship and sunk them all in the deepest part of the Atlantic.

　　SEVERALTY, n. Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i.e., landsheld individually, not in joint ownership. Certain tribes of Indians arebelieved now to be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty the landsthat they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and could not sellto the Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey.

　　Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind

　　Saw death before, hell and the grave behind;

　　Whom thrifty settler ne'er besought to stay --

　　His small belongings their appointed prey;

　　Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile,

　　Persuaded elsewhere every little while!

　　His fire unquenched and his undying worm

　　By "land in severalty" (charming term!)

　　Are cooled and killed, respectively, at last,

　　And he to his new holding anchored fast!

　　SHERIFF, n. In America the chief executive office of a country,whose most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and SouthernStates, are the catching and hanging of rogues.

　　John Elmer Pettibone Cajee

　　(I write of him with little glee)

　　Was just as bad as he could be.

　　'Twas frequently remarked: "I swon!

　　The sun has never looked upon

　　So bad a man as Neighbor John."

　　A sinner through and through, he had

　　This added fault: it made him mad

　　To know another man was bad.

　　In such a case he thought it right

　　To rise at any hour of night

　　And quench that wicked person's light.

　　Despite the town's entreaties, he

　　Would hale him to the nearest tree

　　And leave him swinging wide and free.

　　Or sometimes, if the humor came,

　　A luckless wight's reluctant frame

　　Was given to the cheerful flame.

　　While it was turning nice and brown,

　　All unconcerned John met the frown

　　Of that austere and righteous town.

　　"How sad," his neighbors said, "that he

　　So scornful of the law should be --

　　An anar c, h, i, s, t."

　　(That is the way that they preferred

　　To utter the abhorrent word,

　　So strong the aversion that it stirred.)

　　"Resolved," they said, continuing,

　　"That Badman John must cease this thing

　　Of having his unlawful fling.

　　"Now, by these sacred relics" -- here

　　Each man had out a souvenir

　　Got at a lynching yesteryear --

　　"By these we swear he shall forsake

　　His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache

　　By sins of rope and torch and stake.

　　"We'll tie his red right hand until

　　He'll have small freedom to fulfil

　　The mandates of his lawless will."

　　So, in convention then and there,

　　They named him Sheriff. The affair

　　Was opened, it is said, with prayer.

　　J. Milton Sloluck

　　SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attemptto dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, anylady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing performance.

　　SLANG, n. The grunt of the human hog (_Pignoramus intolerabilis_)with an audible memory. The speech of one who utters with his tongue whathe thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in accomplishingthe feat of a parrot. A means (under Providence) of setting up as a witwithout a capital of sense.

　　SMITHAREEN, n. A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain. The wordis used variously, but in the following verse on a noted female reformerwho opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to the devil"it is seen at its best:

　　The wheels go round without a sound --

　　The maidens hold high revel;

　　In sinful mood, insanely gay,

　　True spinsters spin adown the way

　　From duty to the devil!

　　They laugh, they sing, and -- ting-a-ling!

　　Their bells go all the morning;

　　Their lanterns bright bestar the night

　　Pedestrians a-warning.

　　With lifted hands Miss Charlotte stands,

　　Good-Lording and O-mying,

　　Her rheumatism forgotten quite,

　　Her fat with anger frying.

　　She blocks the path that leads to wrath,

　　Jack Satan's power defying.

　　The wheels go round without a sound

　　The lights burn red and blue and green.

　　What's this that's found upon the ground?

　　Poor Charlotte Smith's a smithareen!

　　John William Yope

　　SOPHISTRY, n. The controversial method of an opponent, distinguishedfrom one's own by superior insincerity and fooling. This method is thatof the later Sophists, a Grecian sect of philosophers who began by teachingwisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever men ought to know,but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog of words.

　　His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away,

　　And drags his sophistry to light of day;

　　Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort

　　To falsehood of so desperate a sort.

　　Not so; like sods upon a dead man's breast,

　　He lies most lightly who the least is pressed.

　　Polydore Smith

　　SORCERY, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of politicalinfluence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes waspunished by torture and death. Augustine Nicholas relates that a poorpeasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to the torture to compela confession. After enduring a few gentle agonies the suffering simpletonadmitted his guilt, but naively asked his tormentors if it were not possibleto be a sorcerer without knowing it.

　　SOUL, n. A spiritual entity concerning which there hath been bravedisputation. Plato held that those souls which in a previous state ofexistence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpses of eternaltruth entered into the bodies of persons who became philosophers. Platohimself was a philosopher. The souls that had

　　least contemplated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers and despots.Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the broad- browed philosopher,was a usurper and a despot. Plato, doubtless, was not the first to constructa system of philosophy that could be quoted against his enemies; certainlyhe was not the last. "Concerning the nature of the soul," saiththe renowned author of Diversiones Sanctorum, "there hathbeen hardly more argument than that of its place in the body. Mine ownbelief is that the soul hath her seat in the abdomen -- in which faithwe may discern and interpret a truth hitherto unintelligible, namely thatthe glutton is of all men most devout. He is said in the Scripture to'make a god of his belly' -- why, then, should he not be pious, havingever his Deity with him to freshen his faith? Who so well as he can knowthe might and majesty that he shrines? Truly and soberly, the soul andthe stomach are one Divine Entity; and such was the belief of Promasius,who nevertheless erred in denying it immortality. He had observed thatits visible and material substance failed and decayed with the rest ofthe body after death, but of its immaterial essence he knew nothing. Thisis what we call the Appetite, and it survives the wreck and reek of mortality,to be rewarded or punished in another world, according to what it hathdemanded in the flesh. The Appetite whose coarse clamoring was for theunwholesome viands of the general market and the public refectory shallbe cast into eternal famine, whilst that which firmly through civillyinsisted on ortolans, caviare, terrapin, anchovies, pates de foie grasand all such Christian comestibles shall flesh its spiritual tooth inthe souls of them forever and ever, and wreak its divine thirst upon theimmortal parts of the rarest and richest wines ever quaffed here below.Such is my religious faith, though I grieve to confess that neither HisHoliness the Pope nor His Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom I equallyand profoundly revere) will assent to its dissemination."

　　SPOOKER, n. A writer whose imagination concerns itself with supernaturalphenomena, especially in the doings of spooks. One of the most illustriousspookers of our time is Mr. William D. Howells, who introduces a well-credentialedreader to as respectable and mannerly a company of spooks as one couldwish to meet. To the terror that invests the chairman of a district schoolboard, the Howells ghost adds something of the mystery enveloping a farmerfrom another township.

　　STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the storieshere following has, however, not been successfully impeached.

　　One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated atdinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic."Mr.Pollard," said he, "my book, The Biography of a Dead Cow,is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its authorship.Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the Idiot of the Century.Do you think that fair criticism?""I am very sorry, sir,"replied the critic, amiably, "but it did not occur to me that youreally might not wish the public to know who wrote it."

　　Mr. W.C. Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California, was addictedto writing ghost stories which made the reader feel as if a stream oflizards, fresh from the ice, were streaking it up his back and hidingin his hair. San Jose was at that time believed to be haunted by the visiblespirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who had been hanged there. Thetown was not very well lighted, and it is putting it mildly to say thatSan Jose was reluctant to be out o' nights. One particularly dark nighttwo gentlemen were abroad in the loneliest spot within the city limits,talking loudly to keep up their courage, when they came upon Mr. J.J.Owen, a well-known journalist."Why, Owen," said one, "whatbrings you here on such a night as this? You told me that this is oneof Vasquez' favorite haunts! And you are a believer. Aren't you afraidto be out?""My dear fellow," the journalist replied witha drear autumnal

　　cadence in his speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, "I amafraid to be in. I have one of Will Morrow's stories in my pocket andI don't dare to go where there is light enough to read it."

　　Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles F. Joy were standingnear the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing the question, Is successa failure? Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in the middle of an eloquent sentence,exclaiming: "Hello! I've heard that band before. Santlemann's, Ithink." "I don't hear any band," said Schley. "Cometo think, I don't either," said Joy; "but I see General Milescoming down the avenue, and that pageant always affects me in the sameway as a brass band. One has to scrutinize one's impressions pretty closely,or one will mistake their origin." While the Admiral was digestingthis hasty meal of philosophy General Miles passed in review, a spectacleof impressive dignity. When the tail of the seeming procession had passedand the twoobservers had recovered from the transient blindness causedby its effulgence -- "He seems to be enjoying himself," saidthe Admiral. "There is nothing," assented Joy, thoughtfully,"that he enjoys one-half so well."

　　The illustrious statesman, Champ Clark, once lived about a mile fromthe village of Jebigue, in Missouri. One day he rode into town on a favoritemule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of a street, in frontof a saloon, he went inside in his character of teetotaler, to apprisethe barkeeper that wine is a mocker. It was a dreadfully hot day. Prettysoon a neighbor came in and seeing Clark, said: "Champ, it is notright to leave that mule out there in the sun. He'll roast, sure! -- hewas smoking as I passed him." "O, he's all right," saidClark, lightly; "he's an inveterate smoker."The neighbor tooka lemonade, but shook his head and repeated that it was not right. Hewas a conspirator. There had been a fire the night before: a stable justaround the corner had burned and a number of horses had put on their immortality,among them a young colt, which was roasted to a rich nut-brown. Some ofthe boys had turned Mr. Clark's mule loose and substituted the mortalpart of the colt. Presently another man entered the saloon. "Formercy's sake!" he said, taking it with sugar, "do remove thatmule, barkeeper: it smells." "Yes," interposed Clark, "thatanimal has the best nose in Missouri. But if he doesn't mind, you shouldn't."In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there, apparently,lay the incinerated and shrunken remains of his charger. The boys iddnot have any fun out of Mr. Clarke, who looked at the body and, with thenon-committal expression to which he owes so much of his political preferment,went away. But walking home late that night he saw his mule standing silentand solemn by the wayside in the misty moonlight. Mentioning the nameof Helen Blazes with uncommon emphasis, Mr. Clark took the back trackas hard as ever he could hook it, and passed the night in town.

　　General H.H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has a petrib-nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligence but imperfectly beautiful.Returning to his apartment one evening, the General was surprised andpained to find Adam (for so the creature is named, the general being aDarwinian) sitting up for him and wearing his master's best uniform coat,epaulettes and all."You confounded remote ancestor!" thunderedthe great strategist, "what do you mean by being out of bed afternaps? -- and with my coat on!" Adam rose and with a reproachful lookgot down on all fours in the manner of his kind and, scuffling acrossthe room to a table, returned with a visiting-card: General Barry hadcalled and, judging by an empty champagne bottle and several cigar-stumps,had been hospitably entertained while waiting. The general apologizedto his faithful progenitor and retired. The next day he met General Barry,who said: "Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgotto ask you about those excellent cigars. Where did you get them?"General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away. "Pardonme, please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was joking ofcourse. Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in the room fifteenminutes."

　　SUCCESS, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows. Inliterature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of success are exceedinglysimple, and are admirably set forth in the following lines by the reverendFather Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious reason, "JohnA. Joyce."

　　The bard who would prosper must carry a book,

　　Do his thinking in prose and wear

　　A crimson cravat, a far-away look

　　And a head of hexameter hair.

　　Be thin in your thought and your body'll be fat;

　　If you wear your hair long you needn't your hat.

　　SUFFRAGE, n. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right

　　of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means,

　　as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another

　　man's choice, and is highly prized. Refusal to do so has the bad name

　　of "incivism." The incivilian, however, cannot be properly arraigned

　　for his crime, for there is no legitimate accuser. If the accuser is

　　himself guilty he has no standing in the court of opinion; if not, he

　　profits by the crime, for A's abstention from voting gives greater

　　weight to the vote of B. By female suffrage is meant the right of a

　　woman to vote as some man tells her to. It is based on female

　　responsibility, which is somewhat limited. The woman most eager to

　　jump out of her petticoat to assert her rights is first to jump back

　　into it when threatened with a switching for misusing them.

　　SYCOPHANT, n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so thathe may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an editor.

　　As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased

　　To fix itself upon a part diseased

　　Till, its black hide distended with bad blood,

　　It drops to die of surfeit in the mud,

　　So the base sycophant with joy descries

　　His neighbor's weak spot and his mouth applies,

　　Gorges and prospers like the leech, although,

　　Unlike that reptile, he will not let go.

　　Gelasma, if it paid you to devote

　　Your talent to the service of a goat,

　　Showing by forceful logic that its beard

　　Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered;

　　If to the task of honoring its smell

　　Profit had prompted you, and love as well,

　　The world would benefit at last by you

　　And wealthy malefactors weep anew --

　　Your favor for a moment's space denied

　　And to the nobler object turned aside.

　　Is't not enough that thrifty millionaires

　　Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares,

　　Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly

　　To safer villainies of darker dye,

　　Forswearing robbery and fain, instead,

　　To steal (they call it "cornering") our bread

　　May see you groveling their boots to lick

　　And begging for the favor of a kick?

　　Still must you follow to the bitter end

　　Your sycophantic disposition's trend,

　　And in your eagerness to please the rich

　　Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch?

　　In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire,

　　And sing hosannas to great Havemeyher!

　　What's Satan done that him you should eschew?

　　He too is reeking rich -- deducting _you_.

　　SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minorassumption and an inconsequent. (See LOGIC.)

　　SYLPH, n. An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the airwhen the air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with factorysmoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization. Sylphs were alliedto gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt, respectively, in earth,water and fire, all now insalubrious. Sylphs, like fowls of the air, weremale and female, to no purpose, apparently, for if they had progeny theymust have nested in accessible places, none of the chicks having everbeen seen.

　　SYMBOL, n. Something that is supposed to typify or stand for somethingelse. Many symbols are mere "survivals" -- things which havingno longer any utility continue to exist because we have inherited thetendency to make them; as funereal urns carved on memorial monuments.They were once real urns holding the ashes of the dead. We cannot stopmaking them, but we can give them a name that conceals our helplessness.

　　SYMBOLIC, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretationof symbols.

　　They say 'tis conscience feels compunction;

　　I hold that that's the stomach's function,

　　For of the sinner I have noted

　　That when he's sinned he's somewhat bloated,

　　Or ill some other ghastly fashion

　　Within that bowel of compassion.

　　True, I believe the only sinner

　　Is he that eats a shabby dinner.

　　You know how Adam with good reason,

　　For eating apples out of season,

　　Was "cursed." But that is all symbolic:

　　The truth is, Adam had the colic.

　　G.J.

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