T

by Ambrose Bierce

　　T,the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks absurdlycalled tau. In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the form ofthe rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone (which was morethan the Phoenicians could always do) signified Tallegal, translatedby the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot."TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universalpassion for irresponsibility.

　　Old Paunchinello, freshly wed,

　　Took Madam P. to table,

　　And there deliriously fed

　　As fast as he was able.

　　"I dote upon good grub," he cried,

　　Intent upon its throatage.

　　"Ah, yes," said the neglected bride,

　　"You're in your table d'hotage."

　　Associated Poets

　　TAIL, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended itsnatural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of itsown. Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a tail, a privationof which he attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousness by the coat-skirtof the male and the train of the female, and by a marked tendency to ornamentthat part of his attire where the tail should be, and indubitably oncewas. This tendency is most observable in the female of the species, inwhom the ancestral sense is strong and persistent. The tailed men describedby Lord Monboddo are now generally regarded as a product of an imaginationunusually susceptible to influences generated in the golden age of ourpithecan

　　past.

　　TAKE, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.

　　TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, froman impulse without purpose.

　　TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect thedomestic producer against the greed of his consumer.

　　The Enemy of Human Souls

　　Sat grieving at the cost of coals;

　　For Hell had been annexed of late,

　　And was a sovereign Southern State.

　　"It were no more than right," said he,

　　"That I should get my fuel free.

　　The duty, neither just nor wise,

　　Compels me to economize --

　　Whereby my broilers, every one,

　　Are execrably underdone.

　　What would they have? -- although I yearn

　　To do them nicely to a turn,

　　I can't afford an honest heat.

　　This tariff makes even devils cheat!

　　I'm ruined, and my humble trade

　　All rascals may at will invade:

　　Beneath my nose the public press

　　Outdoes me in sulphureousness;

　　The bar ingeniously applies

　　To my undoing my own lies;

　　My medicines the doctors use

　　(Albeit vainly) to refuse

　　To me my fair and rightful prey

　　And keep their own in shape to pay;

　　The preachers by example teach

　　What, scorning to perform, I teach;

　　And statesmen, aping me, all make

　　More promises than they can break.

　　Against such competition I

　　Lift up a disregarded cry.

　　Since all ignore my just complaint,

　　By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!"

　　Now, the Republicans, who all

　　Are saints, began at once to bawl

　　Against his competition; so

　　There was a devil of a go!

　　They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete

　　In acrimonious debate,

　　Till Democrats, forlorn and lone,

　　Had hopes of coming by their own.

　　That evil to avert, in haste

　　The two belligerents embraced;

　　But since 'twere wicked to relax

　　A tittle of the Sacred Tax,

　　'Twas finally agreed to grant

　　The bold Insurgent-protestant

　　A bounty on each soul that fell

　　Into his ineffectual Hell.

　　Edam Smith

　　TECHNICALITY, n. In an English court a man named Home was triedfor slander in having accused his neighbor of murder. His exact wordswere: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cookupon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder andthe other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquittedby instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the wordsdid not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook,that being only an inference.

　　TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored.Many fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so highan authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious source-- the first words of the ancient Latin hymn Te Deum Laudamus.In this apparently natural derivation there is something that saddens.

　　TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally,sometimes tolerably totally.

　　TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some ofthe advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

　　TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar tothat of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague uswith a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with abell summoning us to the sacrifice.

　　TENACITY, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relationto the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the handof authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career inpolitics. The following illustrative lines were written of a Californiangentleman in high political preferment, who has passed to

　　his accounting:

　　Of such tenacity his grip

　　That nothing from his hand can slip.

　　Well-buttered eels you may o'erwhelm

　　In tubs of liquid slippery-elm

　　In vain -- from his detaining pinch

　　They cannot struggle half an inch!

　　'Tis lucky that he so is planned

　　That breath he draws not with his hand,

　　For if he did, so great his greed

　　He'd draw his last with eager speed.

　　Nay, that were well, you say. Not so

　　He'd draw but never let it go!

　　THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religionand all the mystery of science. The modern Theosophist holds, with theBuddhists, that we live an incalculable number of times on this earth,in as many several bodies, because one life is not long enough for ourcomplete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetime does not sufficefor us to become as wise and good as we choose to wish to become. To beabsolutely wise and good -- that is perfection; and the Theosophist isso keen-sighted as to have observed that everything desirous of improvementeventually attains perfection. Less competent observers are disposed toexcept cats, which seem neither wiser nor better than they were last year.The greatest and fattest of recent Theosophists was the late Madame Blavatsky,who had no cat.

　　TIGHTS, n. An habiliment of the stage designed to reinforce thegeneral acclamation of the press agent with a particular publicity. Publicattention was once somewhat diverted from this garment to Miss LillianRussell's refusal to wear it, and many were the conjectures as to hermotive, the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing a high order of ingenuityand sustained reflection. It was Miss Hall's belief that nature had notendowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs. This theory was impossible ofacceptance by the male understanding, but the conception of a faulty femaleleg was of so prodigious originality as to rank among the most brilliantfeats of philosophical speculation! It is strange that in all the controversyregarding Miss Russell's aversion to tights no one seems to have thoughtto ascribe it to what was known among the ancients as "modesty."The nature of that sentiment is now imperfectly understood, and possiblyincapable of exposition with the vocabulary that remains to us. The studyof lost arts has, however, been recently revived and some of the artsthemselves recovered. This is an epoch of renaissances, and thereis ground for hope that the primitive "blush" may be draggedfrom its hiding-place amongst the tombs of antiquity and hissed on tothe stage.

　　TOMB, n. The House of Indifference. Tombs are now by common consentinvested with a certain sanctity, but when they have been long tenantedit is considered no sin to break them open and rifle them, the famousEgyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that a tomb may be innocently "glened"as soon as its occupant is done "smellynge," the soul beingthen all exhaled. This reasonable view is now generally accepted by archaeologists,whereby the noble science of Curiosity has been greatly dignified.

　　TOPE, v. To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. Inthe individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but toping nationsare in the forefront of civilization and power. When pitted against thehard-drinking Christians the absemious Mahometans go downlike grass beforethe scythe. In India one hundred thousand beef-eating and brandy-and-sodaguzzling Britons hold in subjection two hundred and fifty million vegetarianabstainers of the same Aryan race. With what an easy grace the whisky-lovingAmerican pushed the temperate Spaniard out of his possessions! From thetime when the Berserkers ravaged all the coasts of western Europe andlay drunk in every conquered port it has been the same way: everywherethe nations that drink too much are observed to fight rather well andnot too righteously. Wherefore the estimable old ladies who abolishedthe canteen from the American army may justly boast of having materiallyaugmented the nation's military power.

　　TORTOISE, n. A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasionfor the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso:

　　TO MY PET TORTOISE

　　My friend, you are not graceful -- not at all;

　　Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl.

　　Nor are you beautiful: your head's a snake's

　　To look at, and I do not doubt it aches.

　　As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep.

　　'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep.

　　No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own,

　　A certain firmness -- mostly you're [sic] backbone.

　　Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews)

　　Are virtues that the great know how to use --

　　I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole,

　　You lack -- excuse my mentioning it -- Soul.

　　So, to be candid, unreserved and true,

　　I'd rather you were I than I were you.

　　Perhaps, however, in a time to be,

　　When Man's extinct, a better world may see

　　Your progeny in power and control,

　　Due to the genesis and growth of Soul.

　　So I salute you as a reptile grand

　　Predestined to regenerate the land.

　　Father of Possibilities, O deign

　　To accept the homage of a dying reign!

　　In the far region of the unforeknown

　　I dream a tortoise upon every throne.

　　I see an Emperor his head withdraw

　　Into his carapace for fear of Law;

　　A King who carries something else than fat,

　　Howe'er acceptably he carries that;

　　A President not strenuously bent

　　On punishment of audible dissent --

　　Who never shot (it were a vain attack)

　　An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back;

　　Subject and citizens that feel no need

　　To make the March of Mind a wild stampede;

　　All progress slow, contemplative, sedate,

　　And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State.

　　O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream,

　　My glorious testudinous regime!

　　I wish in Eden you'd brought this about

　　By slouching in and chasing Adam out.

　　TREE, n. A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penalapparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees bear onlya negligible fruit, or none at all. When naturally fruited, the tree isa beneficient agency of civilization and an important factor in publicmorals. In the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit (white andblack respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to the public tasteand, though not exported, profitable to the general welfare. That thelegitimate relation of the tree to justice was no discovery of Judge Lynch(who, indeed, conceded it no primacy over the lamp-post and the bridge-girder)is made plain by the following passage from Morryster, who antedated himby two centuries:

　　While in yt londe I was carried to see ye Ghogo tree, whereof

　　I had hearde moch talk; but sayynge yt I saw naught remarkabyll in

　　it, ye hed manne of ye villayge where it grewe made answer as

　　followeth:

　　"Ye tree is not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne you shall

　　see dependynge fr. his braunches all soch as have affroynted ye

　　King his Majesty."

　　And I was furder tolde yt ye worde "Ghogo" sygnifyeth in yr

　　tong ye same as "rapscal" in our owne.

　　Trauvells in ye Easte

　　TRIAL, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon recordthe blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order toeffect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the personof one who is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused. If thecontrast is made sufficiently clear this person is made to undergo suchan affliction as will give the virtuous gentlemen a comfortable senseof their immunity, added to that of their worth. In our day the accusedis usually a human being, or a socialist, but in mediaeval times, animals,fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial. A beast that had takenhuman life, or practiced sorcery, was duly arrested, tried and, if condemned,put to death by the public executioner. Insects ravaging grain fields,orchards or vineyards were cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal,and after testimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued incontumaciam the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court, wherethey were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized. In a street of Toledo,some pigs that had wickedly run between the viceroy's legs, upsettinghim, were arrested on a warrant, tried and punished. In Naples and asswas condemned to be burned at the stake, but the sentence appears notto have been executed. D'Addosio relates from the court records many trialsof pigs, bulls, horses, cocks, dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed,to the betterment of their conduct and morals. In 1451 a suit was broughtagainst the leeches infesting some ponds about Berne, and the Bishop ofLausanne, instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directedthat some of "the aquatic worms" be brought before the localmagistracy. This was done and the leeches, both present and absent, wereordered to leave the places that they had infested within three days onpain of incurring "the malediction of God." In the voluminousrecords of this cause celebre nothing is found to show whetherthe offenders braved the punishment, or departed forthwith out of thatinhospitable jurisdiction.

　　TRICHINOSIS, n. The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy.MosesMendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christian physician, who at oncediagnosed the philosopher's disorder as trichinosis, but tactfully gaveit another name. "You need and immediate change of diet," hesaid; "you must eat six ounces of pork every other day.""Pork?"shrieked the patient -- "pork? Nothing shall induce me to

　　touch it!""Do you mean that?" the doctor gravely asked."I swear it!" "Good! -- then I will undertake to cure you."

　　TRINITY, n. In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches,three entirely distinct deities consistent with only one. Subordinatedeities of the polytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are notdowered with the power of combination, and must urge individually theirclames to adoration and propitiation. The Trinity is one of the most sublimemysteries of our holy religion. In rejecting it because it is incomprehensible,Unitarians betray their inadequate sense of theological fundamentals.In religion we believe only what we do not understand, except in the instanceof an intelligible doctrine that contradicts an incomprehensible one.In that case we believe the former as a part of the latter.

　　TROGLODYTE, n. Specifically, a cave-dweller of the paleolithicperiod, after the Tree and before the Flat. A famous community of troglodytesdwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The colony consisted of "everyone that was in distress, and every one that was in debt, and every onethat was discontented" -- in brief, all the Socialists of Judah.

　　TRUCE, n. Friendship.

　　TRUTH, n. An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance.Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the mostancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existingwith increasing activity to the end of time.

　　TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate.

　　TRUST, n. In American politics, a large corporation composed ingreater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans inthe care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors andpublic enemies.

　　TURKEY, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religiousanniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.Incidentally, it is pretty good eating.

　　TWICE, adv. Once too often.

　　TYPE, n. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying civilizationand enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in this incomparable dictionary.

　　TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n. An African insect (Glossinamorsitans) whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficaciousremedy for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the Americannovelist (Mendax interminabilis).