U

by Ambrose Bierce

　　UBIQUITY,n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, but not in allplaces at all times, which is omnipresence, an attribute of God and theluminiferous ether only. This important distinction between ubiquity andomnipresence was not clear to the mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshedabout it. Certain Lutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ'sbody were known as Ubiquitarians. For this error they were doubtless damned,for Christ's body is present only in the eucharist, though that sacramentmay be performed in more than one place simultaneously. In recent timesubiquity has not always been understood -- not even by Sir Boyle Roche,for example, who held that a man cannot be in two places at once unlesshe is a bird.UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtuewithout humility.

　　ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting toconcessions.

　　Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry met toconsider it.

　　"O servant of the Prophet," said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk

　　to the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how many unconquerabl

　　e soldiers have we in arms?" "Upholder of the Faith," thatdignitary

　　replied after examining his memoranda, "they are in numbers as

　　the leaves of the forest!" "And how many impenetrable battleships

　　strike terror to the hearts of all Christian swine?" he asked the

　　Imaum of the Ever Victorious Navy. "Uncle of the Full Moon,"

　　was the reply, "deign to know that they are as the waves of

　　the ocean, the sands of the desert and the stars of Heaven!"

　　For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the Imperial

　　Chibouk was corrugated with evidences of deep thought: he was

　　calculating the chances of war. Then, "Sons of angels," he said,"the

　　die is cast! I shall suggest to the Ulema of the Imperial Ear that he

　　advise inaction. In the name of Allah, the council is adjourned."

　　UN-AMERICAN, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.

　　UNCTION, n. An oiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unctionconsists in touching with oil consecrated by a bishop several parts ofthe body of one engaged in dying. Marbury relates that after the ritehad been administered to a certain wicked English nobleman it was discoveredthat the oil had not been properly consecrated and no other could be obtained.When informed of this the sick man said in anger:

　　"Then I'll be damned if I die!" "My son," said thepriest, "this is what we fear."

　　UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one havingit to know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature andlaws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, andKant, who lived in a horse.

　　His understanding was so keen

　　That all things which he'd felt, heard, seen,

　　He could interpret without fail

　　If he was in or out of jail.

　　He wrote at Inspiration's call

　　Deep disquisitions on them all,

　　Then, pent at last in an asylum,

　　Performed the service to compile 'em.

　　So great a writer, all men swore,

　　They never had not read before.

　　Jorrock Wormley

　　UNITARIAN, n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.

　　UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for personsof another faith.

　　URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribeto dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heardin the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistentwith disregard of the rights of others.

　　The owner of a powder mill

　　Was musing on a distant hill --

　　Something his mind foreboded --

　　When from the cloudless sky there fell

　　A deviled human kidney! Well,

　　The man's mill had exploded.

　　His hat he lifted from his head;

　　"I beg your pardon, sir," he said;

　　"I didn't know 'twas loaded."

　　Swatkin

　　USAGE, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Secondand Third being Custom and Conventionality. Imbued with a decent reverencefor this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to produce books thatwill live as long as the fashion.

　　UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one'sown wife.