Z

by Ambrose Bierce

　　ZANY,n. A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with ludicrousincompetence the _buffone_, or clown, and was therefore the ape of an ape;for the clown himself imitated the serious characters of the play. The zanywas progenitor to the specialist in humor, as we to-day have the unhappinessto know him. In the zany we see an example of creation; in the humorist,of transmission. Another excellent specimen of the modern zany is the curate,who apes the rector, who apes the bishop, who apes the archbishop, who apesthe devil.ZANZIBARI, n. An inhabitant of the Sultanate of Zanzibar, offthe eastern coast of Africa. The Zanzibaris, a warlike people, are bestknown in this country through a threatening diplomatic incident that occurreda few years ago. The American consul at the capital occupied a dwellingthat faced the sea, with a sandy beach between. Greatly to the scandalof this official's family, and against repeated remonstrances of the officialhimself, the people of the city persisted in using the beach for bathing.One day a woman came down to the edge of the water and was stooping toremove her attire (a pair of sandals) when the consul, incensed beyondrestraint, fired a charge of bird-shot into the most conspicuous partof her person. Unfortunately for the existing entente cordialebetween two great nations, she was the Sultana.

　　ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.A passion that goeth before a sprawl.

　　When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward

　　He went away exclaiming: "O my Lord!"

　　"What do you want?" the Lord asked, bending down.

　　"An ointment for my cracked and bleeding crown."

　　Jum Coople

　　ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a manstanding or a growing cabbage. A man in bed or a cabbage in the pot isnot considered as having a zenith, though from this view of the matterthere was once a considerably dissent among the learned, some holdingthat the posture of the body was immaterial. These were called Horizontalists,their opponents, Verticalists. The Horizontalist heresy was finally extinguishedby Xanobus, the philosopher-king of Abara, a zealous Verticalist. Enteringan assembly of philosophers who were debating the matter, he cast a severedhuman head at the feet of his opponents and asked them to determine itszenith, explaining that its body was hanging by the heels outside. Observingthat it was the head of their leader, the Horizontalists hastened to professthemselves converted to whatever opinion the Crown might be pleased tohold, and Horizontalism took its place among fides defuncti.

　　ZEUS, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiterand by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorerswho have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes tohave penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thoughtthat these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his monumentalwork on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives are monotheists,each having no other god than himself, whom he worships under many sacrednames.

　　ZIGZAG, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, asone carrying the white man's burden. (From zed, z, and jag,an Icelandic word of unknown meaning.)

　　He zedjagged so uncomen wyde

　　Thet non coude pas on eyder syde;

　　So, to com saufly thruh, I been

　　Constreynet for to doodge betwene.

　　Munwele

　　ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, includingits king, the House Fly (Musca maledicta). The father of Zoologywas Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its motherhas not come down to us. Two of the science's most illustrious expounderswere Buffon and Oliver Goldsmith, from both of whom we learn (L'Histoiregenerale des animaux and A History of Animated Nature) thatthe domestic cow sheds its horn every two years.