III. Lady Perkins

by Ring Lardner

　　ALONG the first week in May they was a couple hot days, and Katie can'tstand the heat. Or the cold, or the medium. Anyway, when it's hot shealways says: "I'm simply stifling." And when it's cold: "I'm simplyfrozen." And when it ain't neither one: "I wished the weather would do onething another." I don't s'pose she knows what she's saying when she saysany one of them things, but she's one of these here gals that can't bear tosee a conversation die out and thinks it's her place to come through with awise crack whenever they's a vacuum.So during this hot spell we was having dinner with a bird named Gene Buckthat knowed New York like a book, only he hadn't never read a book, andKatie made the remark that she was simply stifling."If you think this is hot," says our friend, "just wait till the summercomes. The Old Town certainly steams up in the Old Summer Time."So Kate asked him how people could stand it."They don't," he says. "All the ones that's got a piece of change ducks outsomewhere where they can get the air.""Where do they go?" Katie asked him."Well," he says, "the most of my pals goes to Newport or Maine or up in theAdirondacks. But of course them places is out of most people's reach. If Iwas you folks I'd go over on Long Island somewhere and either take acottage or live in one of them good hotels.""Where, for instance?" says my Mrs."Well," he said, "some people takes cottages, but the rents is somethingfierce, and besides, the desirable ones is probably all eat up by thistime. But they's plenty good hotels where you get good service and swellmeals and meet good people; they won't take in no riffraff. And they giveyou a pretty fair rate if they know you're going to make a stay."So Ella asked him if they was any special one he could recommend."Let's think a minute," he says."Let's not strain ourself," I said."Don't get cute!" said the Mrs. "We want to get some real information andMr. Buck can give it to us.""How much would you be willing to pay?" said Buck.It was Ella's turn to make a wise crack."Not no more than we have to," she says."I and my sister has got about eight thousand dollars per annum betweenus," said Katie, "though a thousand of it has got to go this year to a manthat cheated us up on Riverside Drive."It was about a lease. But Papa left us pretty well off; over a hundred andfifty thousand dollars.""Don't be so secret with Mr. Buck," I says. "We've knew him pretty near aweek now. Tell him about them four-dollar stockings you bought over onFifth Avenue and the first time you put them on they got as many runs asGeorge Sisler.""Well," said Buck, "I don't think you'd have no trouble getting comfortablerooms in a good hotel on seven thousand dollars. If I was you I'd try theHotel Decker. It's owned by a man named Decker.""Why don't they call it the Griffith?" I says."It's located at Tracy Estates," says Buck. "That's one of the garden spotsof Long Island. It's a great big place, right up to the minute, and theygive you everything the best. And they's three good golf courses within amile of the hotel."The gals told him they didn't play no golf."You don't know what you've missed," he says."Well," I said, "I played a game once myself and missed a whole lot.""Do they have dances?" asked Kate."Plenty of them," says Buck, "and the guests is the nicest peopleyou'd want to meet. Besides all that, the meals is included in the rates,and they certainly set a nasty table.""I think it sounds grand," said the Mrs. "How do you get there?""Go over to the Pennsylvania Station," says Buck, "and take the Long IslandRailroad to Jamaica. Then you change to the Haverton branch. It don't onlytake a half hour altogether.""Let's go over to-morrow morning and see can we get rooms," said Katie.So Ella asked how that suited me."Go just as early as you want to," I says. "I got a date to run down to theAquarium and see the rest of the fish.""You won't make no mistake stopping at the Decker," says Buck.So the gals thanked him and I paid the check so as he would have more tospend when he joined his pals up to Newport.Well, when Ella and Kate come back the next afternoon, I could see withoutthem telling me that it was all settled. They was both grinning like theyalways do when they've pulled something nutty."It's a good thing we met Mr. Buck," said the Mrs., "or we mightn't neverof heard of this place. It's simply wonderful. A double room with a bathfor you and I and a room with a bath for Katie. The meals is throwed in,and we can have it all summer.""How much?" I asked her."Two hundred a week," she said. "But you must remember that's for all threeof us and we get our meals free.""And I s'pose they also furnish knobs for the bedroom doors," says I."We was awful lucky," said the wife. "These was the last two rooms theyhad, and they wouldn't of had those only the lady that had engaged themcanceled her reservation.""I wished I'd met her when I was single," I says."So do I," says Ella."But listen," I said. "Do you know what two hundred a week amounts to? Itamounts to over ten thousand a year, and our income is seven thousand.""Yes," says Katie, "but we aren't only going to be there twenty weeks, andthat's only four thousand.""Yes," I said, "and that leaves us three thousand for the other thirty-twoweeks, to pay for board and room and clothes and show tickets and apermanent wave every other day.""You forget," said Kate, "that we still got our principal, which we canspend some of it and not miss it.""And you also forget," said the Mrs., "that the money belongs to Sis and I,not you.""I've got a sweet chance of forgetting that," I said. "It's hammered intome three times a day. I hear about it pretty near as often as I hear thatone of you's lost their new silk bag.""Well, anyway," says Ella, "it's all fixed up and we move out there earlyto-morrow morning, so you'll have to do your packing to-night."I'm not liable to celebrate the anniversary of the next day's trip. Besidesthe trunks, the gals had a suitcase and a grip apiece and I had a suitcase.So that give me five pieces of baggage to wrestle, because of course thegals had to carry their parasol in one hand and their wrist watch in theother. A redcap helped load us on over to the station, but oh you change atJamaica! And when we got to Tracy Estates we seen that the hotel wasn'tonly a couple of blocks away, so the ladies said we might as well walk andsave taxi fare.I don't know how I covered them two blocks, but I do know that when Ireeled into the Decker my hands and arms was paralyzed and Ella had to dothe registering.Was you ever out there? Well, I s'pose it's what you might call a familyhotel, and a good many of the guests belongs to the cay-nine family. A fewof the couples that can't afford dogs has got children, and you're alwaystripping over one or the other. They's a dining room for the grown-ups andanother for the kids, wile the dogs and their nurses eats in the grillroomla carte. One part of the joint is bachelor quarters. It's located rightnext to the dogs' dormitories, and they's a good deal of rivalry betweenthe dogs and the souses to see who can make the most noise nights. They'salso a ballroom and a couple card rooms and a kind of a summer parlor wherethe folks sets round in the evening and listen to a three-piece orchestrathat don't know they's been any music wrote since Poets and Peasants. Themen get up about eight o'clock and go down to New York to Business. Theydon't never go to work. About nine the women begins limping downstairs andeither goes to call on their dogs or take them for a walk in the frontyard. This is a great big yard with a whole lot of benches strewed roundit, but you can't set on them in the daytime because the women or thenurses uses them for a place to read to the dogs or kids, and in theevenings you would have to share them with the waitresses, which you havealready had enough of them during the day.When the women has prepared themselves for the long day's grind with afour-course breakfast, they set round on the front porch and discuss thebig questions of the hour, like for instance the last trunk murder orwhether an Airedale is more loving than a Golden Bantam. Once in a wile oneof them cracks that it looks like they was bound to be a panic pretty soonand a big drop in prices, and so forth. This shows they're broad-minded andare giving a good deal of thought to up-to-date topics. Every so often oneof them'll say: "The present situation can't keep up." The hell it can't!By one o'clock their appetites is whetted so keen from brain exercise thatthey make a bum out of a plate of soup and an order of Long Islandduckling, which they figure is caught fresh every day, and they wind upwith salad and apple pie la mode and a stein of coffee. Then they totterup to their rooms to sleep it off before Dear gets home from Business.Saturday nights everybody puts on their evening clothes like something wasgoing to happen. But it don't. Sunday mornings the husbands and bachelorsgets up earlier than usual to go to their real business, which is golf. Thewomenfolks are in full possession of the hotel till Sunday night supper andwives and husbands don't see one another all day long, but it don't seem aslong as if they did. Most of them's approaching their golden-weddingjubilee and haven't nothing more to say to each other that you could call anovelty. The husband may make the remark, Sunday night, that he would ofbroke one hundred and twenty in the afternoon round if the caddy hadn't ofhanded him a spoon when he asked for a nut pick, and the wife'll probablyreply that she's got to go in Town some day soon and see a chiropodist. Therest of the Sabbath evening is spent in bridge or listening to the latestsong hit from The Bohemian Girl.The hotel's got all the modern conveniences like artificial light and astopper in the bathtubs. They even got a barber and a valet, but you can'tget a shave wile he's pressing your clothes, so it's pretty near impossiblefor a man to look their best at the same time.Well, the second day we was there I bought me a deck of cards and got sogood at solitary that pretty soon I could play fifty games betweenbreakfast and lunch and a hundred from then till suppertime. During thefirst week Ella and Kate got on friendly terms with over a half dozenpeople--the head waiter, our waitress, some of the clerks and the managerand the two telephone gals. It wasn't from lack of trying that they didn'tmeet even more people. Every day one or the other of them would try andswap a little small talk with one of the other squatters, but it generallyalways wound up as a short monologue.Ella said to me one day, she says: "I don't know if we can stick it outhere or not. Every hotel I was ever at before, it was easy enough to make alot of friends, but you could stick a bottle of cream alongside one ofthese people and it'd stay sweet a week. Unless they looked at it. I'm sickof talking to you and Sis and the hired help, and Kate's so lonesome thatshe cries herself to sleep nights."Well, if I'd of only had sense enough to insist on staying we'd of probablypacked up and took the next train to Town. But instead of that I said:"What's to prevent us from going back to New York?""Don't be silly!" says the Mrs. "We come out here to spend the summer andhere is where we're going to spend the summer.""All right," I says, "and by September I'll be all set to write a book onone-handed card games.""You'd think," says Ella, "that some of these women was titled royaltiesthe way they snap at you when you try and be friends with them. But they'sonly one in the bunch that's got any handle to her name; that's LadyPerkins."I asked her which one was that."You know," says Ella. "I pointed her out to you in the dining room. She'sa nice-looking woman, about thirty-five, that sets near our table and walkswith a cane.""If she eats like some of the rest of them," I says, "she's lucky theydon't have to w'eel her.""She's English," says Ella. "They just come over and her husband's in Texason some business and left her here. She's the one that's got that dog.""That dog!" I said. "You might just as well tell me she's the one thatdon't play the mouth organ. They've all got a dog.""She's got two," said the wife. "But the one I meant is that big Germanpolice dog that I'm scared to death of him. Haven't you saw her out walkingwith him and the little chow?""Yes," I said, "if that's what it is. I always wondered what the boys inthe Army was talking about when they said they eat chow.""They probably meant chowchow," says the Mrs. "They wouldn't of had thesekind of chows, because in the first place, who would eat a dog, and besidesthese kind costs too much.""Well," I says, "I'm not interested in the price of chows, but if you wantto get acquainted with Lady Perkins, why I can probably fix it for you.""Yes, you'll fix it!" said Ella. "I'm beginning to think that if we'd ofput you in storage for the summer the folks round here wouldn't shy awayfrom us like we was leopards that had broke out of a pesthouse. I wishedyou would try and dress up once in a wile and not always look like you wasjust going to do the chores. Then maybe I and Sis might get somewheres."Well, of course when I told her I could probably fix it up withLady Perkins, I didn't mean nothing. But it wasn't only the next morningwhen I started making good. I was up and dressed and downstairs about halfpast eight, and as the gals wasn't ready for their breakfast yet I went outon the porch and set down. They wasn't nobody else there, but pretty soon Iseen Lady Perkins come up the path with her two whelps. When she got to theporch steps their nurse popped out of the servants' quarters and took themround to the grillroom for their breakfast. I s'pose the big one orderedsauerkraut and kalter Aufschnitt, wile the chow had tea and eggs fo yung.Anyway, the Perkins dame come up on the porch and flopped into the chairnext to mine.In a few minutes Ed Wurz, the manager of the hotel, showed, with a bag ofgolf instruments and a trick suit. He spotted me and asked me if I didn'twant to go along with him and play."No," I said. "I only played once in my life.""That don't make no difference," he says. "I'm a bum myself. I just playshinny, you might say.""Well," I says, "I can't anyway, on account of my dogs. They been giving mea lot of trouble."Of course I was referring to my feet, but he hadn't no sooner than went onhis way when Lady Perkins swung round on me and says: "I didn't know youhad dogs. Where do you keep them?"At first I was going to tell her "In my shoes," but I thought I might aswell enjoy myself, so I said: "They're in the dog hospital over toHaverton.""What ails them?" she asked me.Well, I didn't know nothing about cay-nine diseases outside of hydrophobia,which don't come till August, so I had to make one up."They got blanny," I told her."Blanny!" she says. "I never heard of it before.""No," I said. "It hasn't only been discovered in this country just thisyear. It got carried up here from Peru some way another.""Oh, it's contagious, then!" says Lady Perkins."Worse than measles or lockjaw," says I. "You take a dog that's been in thesame house with a dog that's got blanny, and it's a miracle if they don'tall get it."She asked me if I'd had my dogs in the hotel."Only one day," I says, "the first day we come, about a week ago. As soonas I seen what was the matter with them, I took them over to Haverton in asanitary truck.""Was they mingling with the other dogs here?" she says."Just that one day," I said."Heavens!" said Lady Perkins. "And what's the symptoms?""Well," I said, "first you'll notice that they keep their tongue stuck outa lot and they're hungry a good deal of the time, and finally they show upwith a rash.""Then what happens?" she says."Well," said I, "unless they get the best of treatment, they kind ofdismember."Then she asked me how long it took for the symptoms to show after a dog hadbeen exposed. I told her any time between a week and four months."My dogs has been awful hungry lately," she says, "and they most alwayskeeps their tongue stuck out. But they haven't no rash.""You're all right, then," I says. "If you give them treatments before therash shows up, they's no danger.""What's the treatment?" she asked me."You rub the back of their neck with some kind of dope," I told her. "Iforget what it is, but if you say the word, I can get you a bottle of itwhen I go over to the hospital this afternoon.""I'd be ever so much obliged," she says, "and I hope you'll find your dearones a whole lot better.""Dear ones is right," I said. "They cost a pile of jack, and the bird Ibought them off of told me I should ought to get them insured, but Ididn't. So if anything happens to them now, I'm just that much out."Next she asked me what kind of dogs they was."Well," I said, "you might maybe never of heard of them, as theydon't breed them nowheres only way down in Dakota. They call themyaphounds--I don't know why; maybe on account of the noise they make. Butthey're certainly a grand-looking dog and they bring a big price."She set there a wile longer and then got up and went inside, probably tothe nursery to look for signs of rash.Of course I didn't tell the Mrs. and Kate nothing about this incidence.They wouldn't of believed it if I had of, and besides, it would be aknock-out if things broke right and Lady Perkins come up and spoke to mewile they was present, which is just what happened.During the afternoon I strolled over to the drugstore and got me an emptypint bottle. I took it up in the room and filled it with water and shavingsoap. Then I laid low till evening, so as Perk would think I had went toHaverton.I and Ella and Kate breezed in the dining room kind of late and we hadn'tno more than ordered when I seen the Lady get up and start out. She had topass right past us, and when I looked at her and smiled she stopped."Well," she said, "how's your dogs?"I got up from the table."A whole lot better, thank you," says I, and then I done the honors. "LadyPerkins," I said, "meet the wife and sister-in-law."The two gals staggered from their chairs, both popeyed. Lady Perkins bowedto them and told them to set down. If she hadn't the floor would of bouncedup and hit them in the chin."I got a bottle for you," I said. "I left it upstairs and I'll fetch itdown after supper.""I'll be in the red card room," says Perk, and away she went.I wished you could of see the two gals. They couldn't talk for a minute,for the first time in their life. They just set there with their mouth openlike a baby blackbird. Then they both broke out with a rash of questionsthat come so fast I couldn't understand none of them, but the general idearwas, What the hell!"They's no mystery about it," I said. "Lady Perkins was setting out on theporch this morning and you two was late getting down to breakfast, so Itook a walk, and when I come back she noticed that I kind of limped andasked me what ailed my feet. I told her they always swoll up in warmweather and she said she was troubled the same way and did I know anymedicine that shrank them. So I told her I had a preparation and wouldbring her a bottle of it.""But," says Kate, "I can't understand a woman like she speaking to a manshe don't know.""She's been eying me all week," I said. "I guess she didn't have the nerveto break the ice up to this morning; then she got desperate.""She must of," said Ella."I wished," said Kate, "that when you introduce me to people you'd givethem my name.""I'm sorry," I said, "but I couldn't recall it for a minute, though yourface is familiar.""But listen," says the wife. "What ails your dogs is a corn. You haven'tgot no swelled feet and you haven't got no medicine for them.""Well," I says, "what I give her won't hurt her. It's just a bottle of soapand water that I mixed up, and pretty near everybody uses that once in awile without no bad after effects."Now, the whole three of us had been eating pretty good ever since we'd cameto the Decker. After living la carte at Big Town prices for six months,the American plan was sweet patootie. But this night the gals not onlyskrimped themselves but they was in such a hurry for me to get through thatmy molars didn't hardly have time to identify what all was scampering pastthem. Ella finally got so nervous that I had to take off the feed bagwithout dipping my bill into the stewed rhubarb."Lady Perkins will get tired waiting for you," she says. "And besides, shewon't want us horning in there and interrupting them after their game'sstarted.""Us!" said I. "How many do you think it's going to take to carry thisbottle?""You don't mean to say we can't go with you!" said Kate."You certainly can't," I says. "I and the nobility won't have our littleromance knocked for a gool by a couple of country gals that can't get onspeaking terms with nobody but the chambermaid.""But they'll be other people there," says Kate. "She can't play cardsalone.""Who told you she was going to play cards?" I says. "She picked the redcard room because we ain't liable to be interrupted there. As for playingcards alone, what else have I done all week? But when I get there she won'thave to play solitary. It'll be two-handed hearts; where if you was tocrowd in, it couldn't be nothing but rummy."Well, they finally dragged me from the table, and the gals took a seat inthe lobby wile I went upstairs after the medicine. But I hadn't no soonerthan got a hold of the bottle when Ella come in the room."Listen," she says. "They's a catch in this somewhere. You needn't to tryand tell me that a woman like Lady Perkins is trying to start a flirtationwith a yahoo. Let's hear what really come off.""I already told you," I said. "The woman's nuts over me and you shouldought to be the last one to find fault with her judgment."Ella didn't speak for a wile. Then she says: "Well, if you're going toforget your marriage vows and flirt with an old hag like she, I guess twocan play at that little game. They's several men round this hotel that Ilike their looks and all as they need is a little encouragement.""More than a little, I guess," says I, "or else they'd of already beensatisfied with what you and Kate has give them. They can't neither one ofyou pretend that you been fighting on the defense all week, and the reasonyou haven't copped nobody is because this place is a hotel, not a home forthe blind."I wrapped a piece of newspaper round the bottle and started for the door.But all of a sudden I heard snuffles and stopped."Look here," I said. "I been kidding you. They's no need for you to getsore and turn on the tear ducks. I'll tell you how this thing happened ifyou think you can see a joke."So I give her the truth, and afterwards I says: "They'll be plenty of timefor you and Kate to get acquainted with the dame, but I don't want youtagging in there with me to-night. She'd think we was too cordial.To-morrow morning, if you can manage to get up, we'll all three of us goout on the porch and lay for her when she brings the whelps back from theirhike. She's sure to stop and inquire about my kennel. And don't forget,wile she's talking, that we got a couple of yaphounds that's suffering fromblanny, and if she asks any questions let me do the answering, as I canthink a lot quicker. You better tell Kate the secret, too, before shemesses everything up, according to custom."Then I and the Mrs. come downstairs and her and Katie went out to listen tothe music wile I beat it to the red card room. I give Perkie the bottle ofrash poison and she thanked me and said she would have the dogs' governessslap some of it onto them in the morning. She was playing bridge w'ist withanother gal and two dudes. To look at their faces they wasn't playing forjust pins. I had sense enough to not talk, but I stood there watching thema few minutes. Between hands Perk introduced me to the rest of the party.She had to ask my name first. The other skirt at the table was a Mrs. Snelland one of the dudes was a Doctor Platt. I didn't get the name of LadyPerkins' partner."Mr. Finch," says Perk, "is also a dog fancier. But his dogs is sick with adisease called blanny and he's got them over to the dog hospital atHaverton.""What kind of dogs?" asked Platt."I never heard of the breed before," says Perk. "They're yaphounds.""They raise them in South Dakota," I says.Platt gives me a funny look and said: "I been in South Dakota several timesand I never heard of a yaphound neither; or I never heard of a diseasenamed blanny.""I s'pose not," says I. "You ain't the only old-fashioned doctor that leftthemself go to seed when they got out of school. I bet you won't admitthey's such a thing as appendicitis."Well, this got a laugh from Lady Perkins and the other dude, but itdidn't go very big with Doc or Mrs. Snell. Wile Doc was trying to figureout a come-back I said I must go and look after my womenfolks. So I toldthe party I was glad to of met them and walked out.I found Ella and Katie in the summer parlor, and they wasn't alone. Anice-looking young fella named Codd was setting alongside of them, andafter we was introduced Ella leaned over and w'ispered to me that he wasBob Codd, the famous aviator. It come out that he had invented some newkind of an aeroplane and had came to demonstrate it to the WilliamsCompany. The company--Palmer Williams and his brother, you know--they'vegot their flying field a couple miles from the hotel. Well, a guy withnerve enough to go up in one of them things certainly ain't going tohesitate about speaking to a strange gal when he likes their looks. So thisCodd baby had give himself an introduction to my Mrs. and Kate, and I guessthey hadn't sprained an ankle running away from him.Of course Ella wanted to know how I'd came out with Lady Perkins. I toldher that we hadn't had much chance to talk because she was in a bridge gamewith three other people, but I'd met them and they'd all seemed to fall forme strong. Ella wanted to know who they was and I told her their names, allbut the one I didn't get. She squealed when I mentioned Mrs. Snell."Did you hear that, Sis?" she says to Kate. "Tom's met Mrs. Snell. That'sthe woman, you know, that wears them funny clothes and has the two dogs.""You're describing every woman in the hotel," I said."But this is the Mrs. Snell," said the wife. "Her husband's the sugar manand she's the daughter of George Henkel, the banker. They say she's awonderful bridge player and don't never play only for great big stakes. I'mwild to meet her.""Yes," I said, "if they's one person you should ought to meet, it's awonderful bridge player that plays for great big stakes, especially whenour expenses is making a bum out of our income and you don't know a grandslam from no dice.""I don't expect to gamble with her," says Ella. "But she's just the kind ofpeople we want to know."Well, the four of us set there and talked about this and that, and Coddsaid he hadn't had time to get his machine put together yet, but when hehad her fixed and tested her a few times he would take me up for a ride."You got the wrong number," I says. "I don't feel flighty.""Oh, I'd just love it!" said Kate."Well," says Codd, "you ain't barred. But I don't want to have nopassengers along till I'm sure she's working O.K."When I and Ella was upstairs she said that Codd had told them he expectedto sell his invention to the Williamses for a cold million. And he had tooka big fancy to Kate."Well," I said, "they say that the reckless aviators makes the best ones,so if him and Kate gets married he'll be better than ever. He won't give adamn after that.""You're always saying something nasty about Sis," said the Mrs.; "but Iknow you just talk to hear yourself talk. If I thought you meant it I'dwalk out on you.""I'd hate to lose you," I says, "but if you took her along I wouldn't writeit down as a total loss."The following morning I and the two gals was down on the porch bright andearly and in a few minutes, sure enough, along came Lady Perkins, bringingthe menagerie back from the parade. She turned them over to the nurse andjoined us. She said that Martha, the nurse, had used the rash poison and ithad made a kind of a lather on the dogs' necks and she didn't know whetherto wash it off or not, but it had dried up in the sun. She asked me howmany times a day the dope should ought to be put on, and I told her beforeevery meal and at bedtime."But," I says, "it's best to not take the dogs right out in the sun wherethe lather'll dry. The blanny germ can't live in that kind of lather, sothe longer it stays moist, why, so much the better."Then she asked me was I going to Haverton to see my pets that day and Isaid yes, and she said she hoped I'd find them much improved. Then Ella cutin and said she understood that Lady Perkins was very fond of bridge."Yes, I am," says Perk. "Do you people play?""No, we don't," says Ella, "but we'd like to learn.""It takes a long wile to learn to play good," said Perk. "But I do wishedthey was another real player in the hotel so as we wouldn't have to takeDoctor Platt in. He knows the game, but he don't know enough to keep still.I don't mind people talking wile the cards is being dealt, but once thehands is picked up they ought to be absolute silence. Last night I lostabout three hundred and seventy dollars just because he talked at the wrongtime.""Three hundred and seventy dollars!" said Kate. "My, you must play for bigstakes!""Yes, we do," says Lady Perkins; "and when a person is playing for sumslike that it ain't no time to trifle, especially when you're playingagainst an expert like Mrs. Snell.""The game must be awfully exciting," said Ella. "I wished we could watch itsometimes.""I guess it wouldn't hurt nothing," says Perkie; "not if you kept still.Maybe you'd bring me luck.""Was you going to play to-night?" asked Kate."No," says the Lady. "They's going to be a little dance here to-night andMr. Snell's dance mad, so he insists on borrowing his wife for theoccasion. Doctor Platt likes to dance too.""We're all wild about it," says Kate. "Is this an invitation affair?""Oh, no," says Perk. "It's for the guests of the hotel."Then she said good-by to us and went in the dining room. The rest of ourconversation all day was about the dance and what should we wear, and hownice and democratic Lady Perkins was, and to hear her talk you wouldn'tnever know she had a title. I s'pose the gals thought she ought to stopevery three or four steps and declare herself.I made the announcement about noon that I wasn't going to partake in thegrand ball. My corn was the alibi. But they wasn't no way to escape fromdressing up and escorting the two gals into the grand ballroom and thensetting there with them.The dance was a knock-out. Outside of Ella and Kate and the aviator andmyself, they was three couple. The Snells was there and so was DoctorPlatt. He had a gal with him that looked like she might be his mother withhis kid sister's clothes on. Then they was a pair of young shimmy shakersthat ought to of been give their bottle and tucked in the hay at six p.m. Acorn wouldn't of bothered them the way they danced; their feet wasn'tinvolved in the transaction.I and the Mrs. and Kate was the only ones there in evening clothes. Theothers had attended these functions before and knew that they wouldn't beenough suckers on hand to make any difference whether you wore a monkeysuit or rompers. Besides, it wasn't Saturday night.The music was furnished by the three-piece orchestra that usually donetheir murder in the summer parlor.Ella was expecting me to introduce her and Kate to the Snell gal, but herand her husband was so keen for dancing that they called it off in themiddle of the second innings and beat it upstairs. Then Ella said shewouldn't mind meeting Platt, but when he come past us and I spoke to him hegive me a look like you would expect from a flounder that's been wronged.So poor Codd danced one with Kate and one with Ella, and so on, and so on,till finally it got pretty late, a quarter to ten, and our party was theonly merry-makers left in the joint. The orchestra looked over at us to seeif we could stand some more punishment. The Mrs. told me to go and ask themto play a couple more dances before they quit. They done what I asked them,but maybe I got my orders mixed up.The next morning I asked Wurz, the manager, how often the hotel give themdances."Oh," he says, "once or twice a month."I told him I didn't see how they could afford it.Kate went out after supper this next evening to take an automobile ridewith Codd. So when I and Ella had set in the summer parlor a little wile,she proposed that we should go in and watch the bridge game. Well, I wasn'tkeen for it, but when you tell wife you don't want to do something shealways says, "Why not?" and even if you've got a reason she'll make amonkey out of it. So we rapped at the door of the red card room and LadyPerkins said, "Come in," and in we went.The two dudes and Mrs. Snell was playing with her again, but Perk was theonly one that spoke."Set down," she said, "and let's see if you can bring me some luck."So we drawed up a couple of chairs and set a little ways behind her. Herand the anonymous dude was partners against Doc and Mrs. Snell, and theydidn't change all evening. I haven't played only a few games of bridge, butI know a little about it, and I never see such hands as Perkie held. It wasa misdeal when she didn't have the ace, king and four or five others of onesuit and a few picture cards and aces on the side. When she couldn't getthe bid herself she doubled the other pair and made a sucker out of them. Idon't know what they was playing a point, but when they broke up LadyPerkins and her dude was something like seven hundred berries to the good.I and Ella went to bed wile they was settling up, but we seen her on theporch in the morning. She smiled at us and says: "You two are certainlygrand mascots! I hope you can come in and set behind me again to-night. Iain't even yet, but one more run of luck like last night's and I'll be awinner. Then," she says, "I s'pose I'll have to give my mascots some kindof a treat."Ella was tickled to death and couldn't hardly wait to slip Sis the goodnews. Kate had been out late and overslept herself and we was half throughbreakfast when she showed up. The Mrs. told her about the big game and howit looked like we was in strong with the nobility, and Kate said she hadsome good news of her own; that Codd had as good as told her he was stuckon her."And he's going to sell his invention for a million," says Ella. "So Iguess we wasn't as crazy coming out to this place as some people thought wewas." "Wait till the machine's made good," I said."It has already," says Kate. "He was up in it yesterday and everythingworked perfect and he says the Williamses was wild over it. And what do youthink's going to come off to-morrow morning? He's going to take me up withhim.""Oh, no, Sis!" said Ella. "S'pose something should happen!""No hope," says I."But even if something should happen," said Katie, "what would I care aslong as it happened to Bob and I together!"I told the waitress to bring me another order of fried mush."To-night," said Kate, "Bob's going in Town to a theater party with someboys he went to college with. So I can help you bring Lady Perkins goodluck."Something told me to crab this proposition and I tried, but it was passedover my veto. So the best I could do was to remind Sis, just before we wentin the gambling den, to keep her mouth shut while the play was going on.Perk give us a smile of welcome and her partner smiled too.For an hour the game went along about even. Kate acted like she was bored,and she didn't have nothing to say after she'd told them, wile somebody wasdealing, that she was going to have an aeroplane ride in the morning.Finally our side began to lose, and lose by big scores. They was one timewhen they was about sixteen hundred points to the bad. Lady Perkins didn'tseem to be enjoying herself and when Ella addressed a couple of remarks toher the cat had her tongue.But the luck switched round again and Lady Perk had all but caught up whenthe blow-off come.It was the rubber game, with the score nothing and nothing. The Doc dealtthe cards. I was setting where I could see his hand and Perk's both. Platthad the king, jack and ten and five other hearts. Lady Perkins held the aceand queen of hearts, the other three aces and everything else in the deck.The Doc bid two hearts. The other dude and Mrs. Snell passed."Two without," says Lady Perkins."Three hearts," says Platt.The other two passed again and Perk says: "Three without."Katie had come strolling up and was pretty near behind Perk's chair."Well," says Platt, "it looks like--"But we didn't find out what it looked like, as just then Katie says:"Heavens! Four aces! Don't you wished you was playing penny ante?"It didn't take Lady Perkins no time at all to forget her title."You fool!" she screams, w'eeling round on Kate. "Get out of here, and getout of here quick, and don't never come near me again! I hope youraeroplane falls a million feet. You little fool!"I don't know how the hand come out. We wasn't there to see it played.Lady Perkins got part of her hope. The aeroplane fell all right, but only acouple of miles instead of a million feet. They say that they was a defector something in poor Codd's engine. Anyway, he done an involuntary nosedive. Him and his invention was spilled all over Long Island. But Katie hadbeen awake all night with the hysterics and Ella hadn't managed to get herto sleep till nine a.m. So when Codd had called for her Ella'd told himthat Sis would go some other day. Can you beat it?Wile I and Ella was getting ready for supper I made the remark that Is'posed we'd live in a vale of tears for the next few days."No," said Ella. "Sis is taking it pretty calm. She's sensible. She says ifthat could of happened, why the invention couldn't of been no good afterall. And the Williamses probably wouldn't of give him a plugged dime forit."Lady Perkins didn't only speak to me once afterwards. I seen her setting onthe porch one day, reading a book. I went up to her and said: "Hello." Theywasn't no answer, so I thought I'd appeal to her sympathies."Maybe you're still interested in my dogs," I said. "They was too far goneand the veter'nary had to order them shot.""That's good," said Perk, and went on reading.