I

by Ambrose Bierce

　　Iis the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, thefirst thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In grammar itis a pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its plural is saidto be We, but how there can be more than one myself is doubtlessclearer the grammarians than it is to the author of this incomparable dictionary.Conception of two myselfs is difficult, but fine. The frank yet gracefuluse of "I" distinguishes a good writer from a bad; the lattercarries it with the manner of a thief trying to cloak his loot.ICHOR, n. A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in placeof blood.

　　Fair Venus, speared by Diomed,

　　Restrained the raging chief and said:

　　"Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled --

　　Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!"

　　Mary Doke

　　ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof areimperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protestthat he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but pilethnot up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of those hethwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the iconoclast saith: "Yeshall have none at all, for ye need them not; and if the rebuilder foolethround hereabout, behold I will depress the head of him and sit thereontill he squawk it."

　　IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influencein human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot'sactivity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but"pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word ineverything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinionof taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conductwith a dead-line.

　　IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seedsof new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.

　　IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledgefamiliar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothingabout.

　　Dumble was an ignoramus,

　　Mumble was for learning famous.

　　Mumble said one day to Dumble:

　　"Ignorance should be more humble.

　　Not a spark have you of knowledge

　　That was got in any college."

　　Dumble said to Mumble: "Truly

　　You're self-satisfied unduly.

　　Of things in college I'm denied

　　A knowledge -- you of all beside."

　　Borelli

　　ILLUMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part ofthe sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights -- cunctationesilluminati.

　　ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envyand detraction.

　　IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in jointownership.

　　IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affectingcensorious critics of this dictionary.

　　IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country betterthan another.

　　IMMODEST, adj. Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupledwith a feeble conception of worth in others.

　　There was once a man in Ispahan

　　Ever and ever so long ago,

　　And he had a head, the phrenologists said,

　　That fitted him for a show.

　　For his modesty's bump was so large a lump

　　(Nature, they said, had taken a freak)

　　That its summit stood far above the wood

　　Of his hair, like a mountain peak.

　　So modest a man in all Ispahan,

　　Over and over again they swore --

　　So humble and meek, you would vainly seek;

　　None ever was found before.

　　Meantime the hump of that awful bump

　　Into the heavens contrived to get

　　To so great a height that they called the wight

　　The man with the minaret.

　　There wasn't a man in all Ispahan

　　Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump:

　　With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung

　　He bragged of that beautiful bump

　　Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page

　　Bearing a sack and a bow-string too,

　　And that gentle child explained as he smiled:

　　"A little present for you."

　　The saddest man in all Ispahan,

　　Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same.

　　"If I'd lived," said he, "my humility

　　Had given me deathless fame!"

　　Sukker Uffro

　　IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regardto the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedientcomes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If man's notions of rightand wrong have any other basis than this of expediency; if they originated,or could have originated, in any other way; if actions have in themselvesa moral character apart from, and nowise dependent on, their consequences-- then all philosophy is a lie and reason a disorder of the mind.

　　IMMORTALITY, n.

　　A toy which people cry for,

　　And on their knees apply for,

　　Dispute, contend and lie for,

　　And if allowed

　　Would be right proud

　　Eternally to die for.

　　G.J.

　　IMPALE, v.t. In popular usage to pierce with any weapon whichremains fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to imaple is,properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into thebody, the victim being left in a sitting position. This was a common modeof punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is still inhigh favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the beginning ofthe fifteenth century it was widely employed in "churching"heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the "stoole of repentynge,"and among the common people it was jocularly known as "riding theone legged horse." Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in Thibet impalementis considered the most appropriate punishment for crimes against religion;and although in China it is sometimes awarded for secular offences, itis most frequently adjudged in cases of sacrilege. To the person in actualexperience of impalement it must be a matter of minor importance by whatkind of civil or religious dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts;but doubtless he would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplatehimself in the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church.

　　IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantagefrom espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of twoconflicting opinions.

　　IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of timebetween sin and punishment.

　　IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity.

　　IMPOSITION, n. The act of blessing or consecrating by the layingon of hands -- a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but performedwith the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves.

　　"Lo! by the laying on of hands,"

　　Say parson, priest and dervise,

　　"We consecrate your cash and lands

　　To ecclesiastical service.

　　No doubt you'll swear till all is blue

　　At such an imposition. Do."

　　Pollo Doncas

　　IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors.

　　IMPROBABILITY, n.

　　His tale he told with a solemn face

　　And a tender, melancholy grace.

　　Improbable 'twas, no doubt,

　　When you came to think it out,

　　But the fascinated crowd

　　Their deep surprise avowed

　　And all with a single voice averred

　　'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard --

　　All save one who spake never a word,

　　But sat as mum

　　As if deaf and dumb,

　　Serene, indifferent and unstirred.

　　Then all the others turned to him

　　And scrutinized him limb from limb --

　　Scanned him alive;

　　But he seemed to thrive

　　And tranquiler grow each minute,

　　As if there were nothing in it.

　　"What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed

　　At what our friend has told?" He raised

　　Soberly then his eyes and gazed

　　In a natural way

　　And proceeded to say,

　　As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf:

　　"O no -- not at all; I'm a liar myself."

　　IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenuesof to-morrow.

　　IMPUNITY, n. Wealth.

　　INADMISSIBLE, adj. Not competent to be considered. Said of certainkinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be entrustedwith, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of proceedings beforethemselves alone. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible because the personquoted was unsworn and is not before the court for examination; yet mostmomentous actions, military, political, commercial and of every otherkind, are daily undertaken on hearsay evidence. There is no religion inthe world that has any other basis than hearsay evidence. Revelation ishearsay evidence; that the Scriptures are the word of God we have onlythe testimony of men long dead whose identity is not clearly establishedand who are not known to have been sworn in any sense. Under the rulesof evidence as they now exist in this country, no single assertion inthe Bible has in its support any evidence admissible in a court of law.It cannot be proved that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, thatthere was such as person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria.But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be provedthat powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourgeto mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain womenwere convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is stillunimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic andin law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly provedthan the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffereddeath. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason arealike destitute of value.

　　INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv. In an unpromising manner, the auspices beingunfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking anyimportant action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state prophets,some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite and mosttrustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the flight of birds-- the omens thence derived being called auspices. Newspaper reportersand certain miscreant lexicographers have decided that the word -- alwaysin the plural -- shall mean "patronage" or "management";as, "The festivities were under the auspices of the Ancient and HonorableOrder of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The hilarities were auspicatedby the Knights of Hunger."

　　A Roman slave appeared one day

　　Before the Augur. "Tell me, pray,

　　If --" here the Augur, smiling, made

　　A checking gesture and displayed

　　His open palm, which plainly itched,

　　For visibly its surface twitched.

　　A _denarius_ (the Latin nickel)

　　Successfully allayed the tickle,

　　And then the slave proceeded: "Please

　　Inform me whether Fate decrees

　　Success or failure in what I

　　To-night (if it be dark) shall try.

　　Its nature? Never mind -- I think

　　'Tis writ on this" -- and with a wink

　　Which darkened half the earth, he drew

　　Another denarius to view,

　　Its shining face attentive scanned,

　　Then slipped it into the good man's hand,

　　Who with great gravity said: "Wait

　　While I retire to question Fate."

　　That holy person then withdrew

　　His scared clay and, passing through

　　The temple's rearward gate, cried "Shoo!"

　　Waving his robe of office. Straight

　　Each sacred peacock and its mate

　　(Maintained for Juno's favor) fled

　　With clamor from the trees o'erhead,

　　Where they were perching for the night.

　　The temple's roof received their flight,

　　For thither they would always go,

　　When danger threatened them below.

　　Back to the slave the Augur went:

　　"My son, forecasting the event

　　By flight of birds, I must confess

　　The auspices deny success."

　　That slave retired, a sadder man,

　　Abandoning his secret plan --

　　Which was (as well the craft seer

　　Had from the first divined) to clear

　　The wall and fraudulently seize

　　On Juno's poultry in the trees.

　　G.J.

　　INCOME, n. The natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability,the commonly accepted standards being artificial, arbitrary and fallacious;for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in the play has justly remarked,"the true use and function of property (in whatsoever it consisteth-- coins, or land, or houses, or merchant-stuff, or anything which maybe named as holden of right to one's own subservience) as also of honors,titles, preferments and place, and all favor and acquaintance of personsof quality or ableness, are but to get money. Hence it followeth thatall things are truly to be rated as of worth in measure of their serviceablenessto that end; and

　　their possessors should take rank in agreement thereto, neither the lordof an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who bearsan unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king, beingesteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of daily accretion;and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and rightly take morehonor than the poor and unworthy."

　　INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularlythe taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a meek-eyedmatron living just around the corner. It has even been known to wear amoustache.

　　INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists.Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enoughfor one of them, but not enough for both -- as Walt Whitman's poetry andGod's mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only incompatibilitylet loose. Instead of such low language as "Go heel yourself -- Imean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we are incompossible,"would convey and equally significant intimation and in stately courtesyare altogether superior.

　　INCUBUS, n. One of a race of highly improper demons who, thoughprobably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their best nights.For a complete account of incubi and succubi, includingincubae and succubae, see the Liber Demonorum ofProtassus (Paris, 1328), which contains much curious information thatwould be out of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for thepublic schools.Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself-- tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless --sometimes plays at _incubus_, greatly to the inconvenience and alarm ofthe good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, generallyspeaking. A certain lady applied to the parish priest to learn how theymight, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder from their husbands.The holy man said they must feel his brown for horns; but Hugo is ungallantenough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of the test.

　　INCUMBENT, n. A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents.

　　INDECISION, n. The chief element of success; "for whereas,"saith Sir Thomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing anddivers way to do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the rightway, it followeth that he who from indecision standeth still hath notso many chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards" -- amost clear and satisfactory exposition on the matter."Your promptdecision to attack," said Genera Grant on a certain occasion to GeneralGordon Granger, "was admirable; you had but five minutes to makeup your mind in."

　　"Yes, sir," answered the victorious subordinate, "it isa great thing to be know exactly what to do in an emergency. When in doubtwhether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment -- I toss us acopper." "Do you mean to say that's what you did this time?""Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimand me: I disobeyedthe coin."

　　INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things.

　　"You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife,

　　"You've grown indifferent to all in life."

　　"Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile;

　　"I would be, dear, but it is not worth while."

　　Apuleius M. Gokul

　　INDIGESTION, n. A disease which the patient and his friends requentlymistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation ofmankind. As the simple Red Man of the western wild put it, with, it mustbe confessed, a certain force: "Plenty well, no pray; big bellyache,heap God."

　　INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of woman.

　　INEXPEDIENT, adj. Not calculated to advance one's interests.

　　INFANCY, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth,"Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us prettysoon afterward.

　　INFERIAE,n. [Latin] Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices forpropitation of the Dii Manes, or souls of the dead heroes; forthe pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritualneeds, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailormight say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising materials.It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of Agamemnon that Laiaides,a priest of Aulis, was favored with an audience of that illustrious warrior'sshade, who prophetically recounted to him the birth of Christ and thetriumph of Christianity, giving him also a rapid but tolerably completereview of events down to the reign of Saint Louis. The narrative endedabruptly at the point, owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, whichcompelled the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades. There is afine mediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced backfurther than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the court ofSaint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption in consideringit apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's judgment of the matter might bedifferent; and to that I bow -- wow.

　　INFIDEL, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christianreligion; in Constantinople, one who does. (See GIAOUR.) A kind of scoundrelimperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to, divines, ecclesiastics,popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs, voodoos, presbyters, hierophants,prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns, missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars,hadjis, high-priests, muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences,elders, primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries,clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, preachers,padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs, bonezs, santons,beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, deans, subdeans, ruraldeans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons, hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents,capitulars, sheiks, talapoins, postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors,beadles, fakeers, sextons, reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetualcurates, chaplains, mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis,ulemas, lamas,

　　sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals, prioresses,suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs and pumpums.

　　INFLUENCE, n. In politics, a visionary quo given in exchangefor a substantial quid.

　　INFALAPSARIAN, n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need nothave

　　sinned unless he had a mind to -- in opposition to the Supralapsarians,who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed from the beginning.Infralapsarians are sometimes called Sublapsarians without material effectupon the importance and lucidity of their views about Adam.

　　Two theologues once, as they wended their way

　　To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray --

　　An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall,

　　Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall.

　　"'Twas Predestination," cried one -- "for the Lord

　　Decreed he should fall of his own accord."

　　"Not so -- 'twas Free will," the other maintained,

　　"Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained."

　　So fierce and so fiery grew the debate

　　That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate;

　　So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground

　　And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round.

　　Ere either had proved his theology right

　　By winning, or even beginning, the fight,

　　A gray old professor of Latin came by,

　　A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye,

　　And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still

　　As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill

　　Of foreordination freedom of will)

　　Cried: "Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose:

　　Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows.

　　The sects ye belong to -- I'm ready to swear

　　Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear.

　　_You_ -- Infralapsarian son of a clown! --

　　Should only contend that Adam slipped down;

　　While _you_ -- you Supralapsarian pup! --

　　Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up.

　　It's all the same whether up or down

　　You slip on a peel of banana brown.

　　Even Adam analyzed not his blunder,

　　But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder!

　　G.J.

　　INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwisean object of charity.

　　"All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic. "Nay,"

　　The good philanthropist replied;

　　"I did great service to a man one day

　　Who never since has cursed me to repay,

　　Nor vilified."

　　"Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight --

　　With veneration I am overcome,

　　And fain would have his blessing." "Sad your fate --

　　He cannot bless you, for AI grieve to state

　　This man is dumb."

　　Ariel Selp

　　INJURY, n. An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.

　　INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon othersand carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back.

　　INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabicand water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promoteintellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and contradictory:it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to blacken them andto make them white; but it is most generally and acceptably employed asa mortar to bind together the stones of an edifice of fame, and as a whitewashto conceal afterward the rascal quality of the material. There are mencalled journalists who have established ink baths which some persons paymoney to get into, others to get out of. Not infrequently it occurs thata person who has paid to get in pays twice as much to get out.

　　INNATE, adj. Natural, inherent -- as innate ideas, that is tosay, ideas that we are born with, having had them previously impartedto us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faithsof philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessibleto disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it"a black eye." Among innate ideas may be mentioned the beliefin one's ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one's country,in the superiority of one's civilization, in the importance of one's personalaffairs and in the interesting nature of one's diseases.

　　IN'ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminentinvestigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute observerand renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysteriousorgan known as the spleen is nothing less than our important part. Tothe contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds that man's soul is thatprolongation of his spinal marrow which forms the pith of his no tail;and for demonstration of his faith points confidently to the fact thatno tailed animals have no souls. Concerning these two theories, it isbest to suspend judgment by believing both.

　　INSCRIPTION, n. Something written on another thing. Inscriptionsare of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fameof some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record ofhis services and virtues. To this class of inscriptions belongs the nameof John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument. Following are examplesof memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See EPITAPH.)

　　"In the sky my soul is found,

　　And my body in the ground.

　　By and by my body'll rise

　　To my spirit in the skies,

　　Soaring up to Heaven's gate.

　　1878."

　　"Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut down May 9th, 1862,

　　aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds. Indigenous."

　　"Affliction sore long time she boar,

　　Phisicians was in vain,

　　Till Deth released the dear deceased

　　And left her a remain.

　　Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss."

　　"The clay that rests beneath this stone

　　As Silas Wood was widely known.

　　Now, lying here, I ask what good

　　It was to let me be S. Wood.

　　O Man, let not ambition trouble you,

　　Is the advice of Silas W."

　　"Richard Haymon, of Heaven. Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had

　　the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874."

　　INSECTIVORA, n.

　　"See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers,

　　"How Providence provides for all His creatures!"

　　"His care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows:

　　For us He has provided wrens and swallows."

　　Sempen Railey

　　INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which theplayer is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beatingthe man who keeps the table.

　　INSURANCE AGENT: My dear sir, that is a fine house -- pray letme insure it.

　　HOUSE OWNER: With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so lowthat by the time when, according to the tables of your actuary,it will probably be destroyed by fire I will have paid you considerablyless than the face of the policy.

　　INSURANCE AGENT: O dear, no -- we could not afford to do that. Wemust fix the premium so that you will have paid more.

　　HOUSE OWNER: How, then, can I afford that?

　　INSURANCE AGENT: Why, your house may burn down at any time. Therewas Smith's house, for example, which --

　　HOUSE OWNER: Spare me -- there were Brown's house, on the contrary,and Jones's house, and Robinson's house, which --

　　INSURANCE AGENT: Spare _me_!

　　HOUSE OWNER: Let us understand each other. You want me to pay youmoney on the supposition that something will occur

　　previously to the time set by yourself for its occurrence. In otherwords, you expect me to bet that my house will not last so longas you say that it will probably last.

　　INSURANCE AGENT: But if your house burns without insurance it willbe a total loss.

　　HOUSE OWNER: Beg your pardon -- by your own actuary's tables I shallprobably have saved, when it burns, all the premiums I would otherwisehave paid to you -- amounting to more than the face of the policythey would have bought. But suppose it to burn, uninsured, beforethe time upon which your figures are based. If I could not affordthat, how could you if it were insured?

　　INSURANCE AGENT: O, we should make ourselves whole from our luckierventures with other clients. Virtually, they pay your loss.

　　HOUSE OWNER: And virtually, then, don't I help to pay their losses?Are not their houses as likely as mine to burn before they havepaid you as much as you must pay them? The case stands this way:you expect to take more money from your clients than you pay tothem, do you not?

　　INSURANCE AGENT: Certainly; if we did not --

　　HOUSE OWNER: I would not trust you with my money. Very well then.If it is certain, with reference to the whole body of

　　your clients, that they lose money on you it is probable,

　　with reference to any one of them, that he will. It is

　　these individual probabilities that make the aggregate

　　certainty.

　　INSURANCE AGENT: I will not deny it -- but look at the figures inthis pamph --

　　HOUSE OWNER: Heaven forbid!

　　INSURANCE AGENT: You spoke of saving the premiums which you wouldotherwise pay to me. Will you not be more likely to squander them?We offer you an incentive to thrift.

　　HOUSE OWNER: The willingness of A to take care of B's money is notpeculiar to insurance, but as a charitable institution you commandesteem. Deign to accept its expression from a Deserving Object.

　　INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failureto substitute misrule for bad government.

　　INTENTION, n. The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set ofinfluences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence, immediateor remote, of the performance of an involuntary act.

　　INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languagesto understand each other by repeating to each what it would have beento the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.

　　INTERREGNUM, n. The period during which a monarchical countryis governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experimentof letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most unhappyresults from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm again.

　　INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawnfor their mutual destruction.

　　Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue

　　And one in white, together drew

　　And having each a pleasant sense

　　Of t'other powder's excellence,

　　Forsook their jackets for the snug

　　Enjoyment of a common mug.

　　So close their intimacy grew

　　One paper would have held the two.

　　To confidences straight they fell,

　　Less anxious each to hear than tell;

　　Then each remorsefully confessed

　　To all the virtues he possessed,

　　Acknowledging he had them in

　　So high degree it was a sin.

　　The more they said, the more they felt

　　Their spirits with emotion melt,

　　Till tears of sentiment expressed

　　Their feelings. Then they effervesced!

　　So Nature executes her feats

　　Of wrath on friends and sympathetes

　　The good old rule who don't apply,

　　That you are you and I am I.

　　INTRODUCTION, n. A social ceremony invented by the devil for thegratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. The introductionattains its most malevolent development in this century, being, indeed,closely related to our political system. Every American being the equalof every other American, it follows that

　　everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the rightto introduce without request or permission. The Declaration of Independenceshould have read thus:

　　"We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are

　　created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain

　　inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to

　　make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an

　　incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the

　　liberty to introduce persons to one another without first

　　ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and

　　the pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack of

　　strangers."

　　INVENTOR, n. A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels,levers and springs, and believes it civilization.

　　IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world.

　　ITCH, n. The patriotism of a Scotchman.