The Hand that Riles the World

by O. Henry

　　"Many of our great men," said I (apropos of many things), "havedeclared that they owe their success to the aid and encouragement ofsome brilliant woman.""I know," said Jeff Peters. "I've read in history and mythology aboutJoan of Arc and Mme. Yale and Mrs. Caudle and Eve and other notedfemales of the past. But, in my opinion, the woman of to-day is oflittle use in politics or business. What's she best in, anyway?--menmake the best cooks, milliners, nurses, housekeepers, stenographers,clerks, hairdressers and launderers. About the only job left that awoman can beat a man in is female impersonator in vaudeville.""I would have thought," said I, "that occasionally, anyhow, you wouldhave found the wit and intuition of woman valuable to you in yourlines of--er--business.""Now, wouldn't you," said Jeff, with an emphatic nod--"wouldn't youhave imagined that? But a woman is an absolutely unreliable partner inany straight swindle. She's liable to turn honest on you when you aredepending upon her the most. I tried 'em once."Bill Humble, an old friend of mine in the Territories, conceived theillusion that he wanted to be appointed United States Marshall. Atthat time me and Andy was doing a square, legitimate business ofselling walking canes. If you unscrewed the head of one and turned itup to your mouth a half pint of good rye whiskey would go tricklingdown your throat to reward you for your act of intelligence. Thedeputies was annoying me and Andy some, and when Bill spoke to meabout his officious aspirations, I saw how the appointment as Marshallmight help along the firm of Peters & Tucker."'Jeff,' says Bill to me, 'you are a man of learning and education,besides having knowledge and information concerning not only rudimentsbut facts and attainments.'"'I do,' says I, 'and I have never regretted it. I am not one,' saysI, 'who would cheapen education by making it free. Tell me,' says I,'which is of the most value to mankind, literature or horse racking?'"'Why--er--, playing the po--I mean, of course, the poets and thegreat writers have got the call, of course,' says Bill."'Exactly,' says I. 'Then why do the master minds of finance andphilanthropy,' says I, 'charge us $2 to get into a race-track and letus into a library free? Is that distilling into the masses,' says I,'a correct estimate of the relative value of the two means of self-culture and disorder?'"'You are arguing outside of my faculties of sense and rhetoric,' saysBill. 'What I wanted you to do is to go to Washington and dig out thisappointment for me. I haven't no ideas of cultivation and intrigue.I'm a plain citizen and I need the job. I've killed seven men,' saysBill; 'I've got nine children; I've been a good Republican ever sincethe first of May; I can't read nor write, and I see no reason why Iain't illegible for the office. And I think your partner, Mr. Tucker,'goes on Bill, 'is also a man of sufficient ingratiation and connectedsystem of mental delinquency to assist you in securing theappointment. I will give you preliminary,' says Bill, '$1,000 fordrinks, bribes and carfare in Washington. If you land the job I willpay you $1,000 more, cash down, and guarantee you impunity in boot-legging whiskey for twelve months. Are you patriotic to the Westenough to help me put this thing through the Whitewashed Wigwam of theGreat Father of the most eastern flag station of the PennsylvaniaRailroad?' says Bill."Well, I talked to Andy about it, and he liked the idea immense. Andywas a man of an involved nature. He was never content to plod along,as I was, selling to the peasantry some little tool like a combinationsteak beater, shoe horn, marcel waver, monkey wrench, nail file,potato masher and Multum in Parvo tuning fork. Andy had the artistictemper, which is not to be judged as a preacher's or a moral man's isby purely commercial deflections. So we accepted Bill's offer, andstrikes out for Washington."Says I to Andy, when we get located at a hotel on South DakotaAvenue, G.S.S.W. 'Now Andy, for the first time in our lives we've gotto do a real dishonest act. Lobbying is something we've never beenused to; but we've got to scandalize ourselves for Bill Humble's sake.In a straight and legitimate business,' says I, 'we could afford tointroduce a little foul play and chicanery, but in a disorderly andheinous piece of malpractice like this it seems to me that thestraightforward and aboveboard way is the best. I propose,' says I,'that we hand over $500 of this money to the chairman of the nationalcampaign committee, get a receipt, lay the receipt on the President'sdesk and tell him about Bill. The President is a man who wouldappreciate a candidate who went about getting office that way insteadof pulling wires.'"Andy agreed with me, but after we talked the scheme over with thehotel clerk we give that plan up. He told us that there was only oneway to get an appointment in Washington, and that was through a ladylobbyist. He gave us the address of one he recommended, a Mrs. Avery,who he said was high up in sociable and diplomatic rings and circles."The next morning at 10 o'clock me and Andy called at her hotel, andwas shown up to her reception room."This Mrs. Avery was a solace and a balm to the eyesight. She had hairthe color of the back of a twenty dollar gold certificate, blue eyesand a system of beauty that would make the girl on the cover of a Julymagazine look like a cook on a Monongahela coal barge."She had on a low necked dress covered with silver spangles, anddiamond rings and ear bobs. Her arms was bare; and she was using adesk telephone with one hand, and drinking tea with the other."'Well, boys,' says she after a bit, 'what is it?'"I told her in as few words as possible what we wanted for Bill, andthe price we could pay."'Those western appointments,' says she, 'are easy. Le'me see, now,'says she, 'who could put that through for us. No use fooling with theTerritorial delegates. I guess,' says she, 'that Senator Sniper wouldbe about the man. He's from somewheres in the West. Let's see how hestands on my private menu card.' She takes some papers out of apigeon-hole with the letter 'S' over it."'Yes,' says she, 'he's marked with a star; that means "ready toserve." Now, let's see. "Age 55; married twice; Presbyterian, likesblondes, Tolstoi, poker and stewed terrapin; sentimental at thirdbottle of wine." Yes,' she goes on, 'I am sure I can have your friend,Mr. Bummer, appointed Minister to Brazil.'"'Humble,' says I. 'And United States Marshal was the berth.'"'Oh, yes,' says Mrs. Avery. 'I have so many deals of this sort Isometimes get them confused. Give me all the memoranda you have of thecase, Mr. Peters, and come back in four days. I think it can bearranged by then.'"So me and Andy goes back to our hotel and waits. Andy walks up anddown and chews the left end of his mustache."'A woman of high intellect and perfect beauty is a rare thing, Jeff,'says he."'As rare,' says I, 'as an omelet made from the eggs of the fabulousbird known as the epidermis,' says I."'A woman like that,' says Andy, 'ought to lead a man to the highestpositions of opulence and fame.'"'I misdoubt,' says I, 'if any woman ever helped a man to secure a jobany more than to have his meals ready promptly and spread a reportthat the other candidate's wife had once been a shoplifter. They areno more adapted for business and politics,' says I, 'than AlgernonCharles Swinburne is to be floor manager at one of Chuck Connor'sannual balls. I know,' says I to Andy, 'that sometimes a woman seemsto step out into the kalsomine light as the charge d'affaires of herman's political job. But how does it come out? Say, they have a neatlittle berth somewhere as foreign consul of record to Afghanistan orlockkeeper on the Delaware and Raritan Canal. One day this man findshis wife putting on her overshoes and three months supply of bird seedinto the canary's cage. "Sioux Falls?" he asks with a kind of hopefullight in his eye. "No, Arthur," says she, "Washington. We're wastedhere," says she. "You ought to be Toady Extraordinary to the Court ofSt. Bridget or Head Porter of the Island of Porto Rico. I'm going tosee about it.""'Then this lady,' I says to Andy, 'moves against the authorities atWashington with her baggage and munitions, consisting of five dozenindiscriminating letters written to her by a member of the Cabinetwhen she was 15; a letter of introduction from King Leopold to theSmithsonian Institution, and a pink silk costume with canary coloredspats."'Well and then what?' I goes. 'She has the letters printed in theevening papers that match her costume, she lectures at an informal teagiven in the palm room of the B. & O. Depot and then calls on thePresident. The ninth Assistant Secretary of Commerce and Labor, thefirst aide-de-camp of the Blue Room and an unidentified colored manare waiting there to grasp her by the hands--and feet. They carry herout to S.W.B. street and leave her on a cellar door. That ends it. Thenext time we hear of her she is writing postcards to the ChineseMinister asking him to get Arthur a job in a tea store.'"'Then,' says Andy, 'you don't think Mrs. Avery will land theMarshalship for Bill?'"'I do not,' says I. 'I do not wish to be a sceptic, but I doubt ifshe can do as well as you and me could have done.'"'I don't agree with you,' says Andy. 'I'll bet you she does. I'mproud of having a higher opinion of the talent and the powers ofnegotiation of ladies.'"We was back at Mrs. Avery's hotel at the time she appointed. She waslooking pretty and fine enough, as far as that went, to make any manlet her name every officer in the country. But I hadn't much faith inlooks, so I was certainly surprised when she pulls out a document withthe great seal of the United States on it, and 'William Henry Humble'in a fine, big hand on the back."'You might have had it the next day, boys,' says Mrs. Avery, smiling.'I hadn't the slightest trouble in getting it,' says she. 'I justasked for it, that's all. Now, I'd like to talk to you a while,' shegoes on, 'but I'm awfully busy, and I know you'll excuse me. I've gotan Ambassadorship, two Consulates and a dozen other minor applicationsto look after. I can hardly find time to sleep at all. You'll give mycompliments to Mr. Humble when you get home, of course.'"Well, I handed her the $500, which she pitched into her desk drawerwithout counting. I put Bill's appointment in my pocket and me andAndy made our adieus."We started back for the Territory the same day. We wired Bill: 'Joblanded; get the tall glasses ready,' and we felt pretty good."Andy joshed me all the way about how little I knew about women."'All right,' says I. 'I'll admit that she surprised me. But it's thefirst time I ever knew one of 'em to manipulate a piece of business ontime without getting it bungled up in some way,' says I."Down about the edge of Arkansas I got out Bill's appointment andlooked it over, and then I handed it to Andy to read. Andy read it,but didn't add any remarks to my silence."The paper was for Bill, all right, and a genuine document, but itappointed him postmaster of Dade City, Fla."Me and Andy got off the train at Little Rock and sent Bill'sappointment to him by mail. Then we struck northeast toward LakeSuperior."I never saw Bill Humble after that."