I. Quick Returns

by Ring Lardner

　　THIS is just a clipping from one of the New York papers; a little kiddingpiece that they had in about me two years ago. It says:Hoosier Cleans Up in Wall Street. Employees of the brokerage firm of H. L.Krause & Co. are authority for the statement that a wealthy Indianaspeculator made one of the biggest killings of the year in the Streetyesterday afternoon. No very definite information was obtainable, as theWesterner's name was known to only one of the firm's employees, FrancisGriffin, and he was unable to recall it last night.You'd think I was a millionaire and that I'd made a sucker out of Morgan orsomething, but it's only a kid, see? If they'd of printed the true storythey wouldn't of had no room left for that day's selections at Pimlico, andGod knows that would of been fatal.But if you want to hear about it, I'll tell you.Well, the War wound up in the fall of 1918. The only member of my familythat was killed in it was my wife's stepfather. He died of grief when itended with him two hundred thousand dollars ahead. I immediately had ablack bandage sewed round my left funny bone, but when they read us thewill I felt all right again and tore it off. Our share was seventy-fivethousand dollars. This was after we had paid for the inheritance tax andthe amusement stamps on a horseless funeral.My young sister-in-law, Katie, dragged down another seventy-five thousanddollars and the rest went to the old bird that had been foreman in Papa'sfactory. This old geezer had been starving to death for twenty years on thewages my stepfather-in-law give him, and the rest of us didn't make noholler when his name was read off for a small chunk, especially as hedidn't have no teeth to enjoy it with.I could of had this old foreman's share, maybe, if I'd of took advantage ofthe offer "Father" made me just before his daughter and I was married. Iwas over in Niles, Michigan, where they lived, and he insisted on me seeinghis factory, which meant smelling it too. At that time I was knocking outabout eighteen hundred dollars per annum selling cigars out of South Bend,and the old man said he would start me in with him at only about a fiftyper cent cut, but we would also have the privilege of living with him andmy wife's kid sister."They's a lot to be learnt about this business," he says, "but if you wouldput your mind on it you might work up to manager. Who knows?""My nose knows," I said, and that ended it.The old man had lost some jack and went into debt a good many years ago,and for a long wile before the war begin about all as he was able to do wassupport himself and the two gals and pay off a part of what he owed. Whenthe war broke loose and leather went up to hell and gone I and my wifethought he would get prosperous, but before this country went in hisbusiness went on about the same as usual."I don't know how they do it," he would say. "Other leather men is gettingrich on contracts with the Allies, but I can't land a one."I guess he was trying to sell razor strops to Russia.Even after we got into it and he begin to clean up, with the factoryrunning day and night, all as we knew was that he had contracts with the U.S. Government, but he never confided in us what special stuff he wasturning out. For all as we knew, it may of been medals for the ground navy.Anyway, he must of been hitting a fast clip when the armistice come andended the war for everybody but Congress! It's a cinch he wasn't amongstthose arrested for celebrating too loud on the night of November 11. On thecontrary they tell me that when the big news hit Niles the old bird had astroke that he didn't never recover from, and though my wife and Katie hunground the bedside day after day in the hopes he would tell how much he wasgoing to leave he was keeping his fiscal secrets for Oliver Lodge orsomebody, and it wasn't till we seen the will that we knew we wouldn't haveto work no more, which is pretty fair consolation even for the loss of astepfather-in-law that ran a perfume mill."Just think," said my wife, "after all his financial troubles, Papa died arich man!""Yes," I said to myself, "and a patriot. His only regret was that he justhad one year to sell leather to his country."If the old codger had of only been half as fast a salesman as his twodaughters this clipping would of been right when it called me a wealthyHoosier. It wasn't two weeks after we seen the will when the gals haddisposed of the odor factory and the old home in Niles, Michigan. Katie, itseemed, had to come over to South Bend and live with us. That was agreeableto me, as I figured that if two could live on eighteen hundred dollars ayear three could struggle along some way on the income off one hundred andfifty thousand dollars.Only for me, though, Ella and Sister Kate would of shot the whole wad intoa checking account so as the bank could enjoy it wile it lasted. I arguedand fought and finally persuaded them to keep five thousand apiece for pinmoney and stick the rest into bonds.The next thing they done was run over to Chi and buy all the party dressesthat was vacant. Then they come back to South Bend and wished somebodywould give a party. But between you and I the people we'd always ran roundwith was birds that was ready for bed as soon as they got home from thefirst show, and even though it had been printed in the News-Times that wehad fell heir to a lot of jack we didn't have to hire no extra clericalhelp to tend to invitations received from the demi-Monday.Finally Ella said we would start something ourselves. So she got a lot ofinvitations printed and sent them to all our friends that could read andhired a cater and a three-piece orchestra and everything, and made me buy adress suit.Well, the big night arrived and everybody come that had somebody to leavetheir baby with. The hosts wore evening clothes and the rest ofthe merrymakers prepared for the occasion with a shine or a clean collar.At first the cat had everybody's tongue, but when we sat down to eat someof the men folks begun to get comical. For instance, they would say to mywife or Katie, "Ain't you afraid you'll catch cold?" And they'd say to me,"I didn't know you was a waiter at the Oliver." Before the fish courseeverybody was in a fair way to get the giggles.After supper the musicians come and hid behind a geranium and played ajazz. The entire party set out the first dance. The second was a solobetween Katie and I, and I had the third with my wife. Then Kate and theMrs. had one together, wile I tried holds with a lady named Mrs. Eckhart,who seemed to think that somebody had ast her to stand for a time exposure.The men folks had all drifted over behind the plant to watch the drummer,but after the stalemate between Mrs. Eckhart and I, I grabbed her husbandand took him out in the kitchen and showed him a bottle of bourbon that I'dbeen saving for myself, in the hopes it would loosen him up. I told him itwas my last bottle, but he must of thought I said it was the last bottle inthe world. Anyway, when he got through they was international prohibition.We went back in the ballroom and sure enough he ast Katie to dance. But hehadn't no sooner than win one fall when his wife challenged him to take herhome and that started the epidemic that emptied the house of everybody butthe orchestra and us. The orchestra had been hired to stay till midnight,which was still two hours and a half distance, so I invited both of thegals to dance with me at once, but it seems like they was surfeited withthat sport and wanted to cry a little. Well, the musicians had ran out ofblues, so I chased them home."Some party!" I said, and the two girls give me a dirty look like it was myfault or something. So we all went to bed and the ladies beat me to it onaccount of being so near ready.Well, they wasn't no return engagements even hinted at and the only othertimes all winter when the gals had a chance to dress up was when somesecondhand company would come to town with a show and I'd have to buy abox. We couldn't ask nobody to go with us on account of not having nofriends that you could depend on to not come in their stocking feet.Finally it was summer and the Mrs. said she wanted to get out of town."We've got to be fair to Kate," she said."We don't know no young unmarried people in South Bend and it's no fun fora girl to run round with her sister and brother-in-law. Maybe if we'd go tosome resort somewheres we might get acquainted with people that could showher a good time."So I hired us rooms in a hotel down to Wawasee Lake and we stayed therefrom the last of June till the middle of September. During that time Icaught a couple of bass and Kate caught a couple of carp from Fort Wayne.She was getting pretty friendly with one of them when along come a wifethat he hadn't thought was worth mentioning. The other bird was making afight against the gambling fever, but one night it got the best of him andhe dropped forty-five cents in the nickel machine and had to go home andmake a new start.About a week before we was due to leave I made the remark that it wouldseem good to be back in South Bend and get some home cooking."Listen!" says my wife. "I been wanting for a long wile to have a serioustalk with you and now's as good a time as any. Here are I and Sis and youwith an income of over eight thousand dollars a year and having pretty nearas good a time as a bird with habitual boils. What's more, we can't neverhave a good time in South Bend, but have got to move somewhere where we areunknown.""South Bend is certainly all of that," I said."No, it isn't," said the Mrs. "We're acquainted there with the kind ofpeople that makes it impossible for us to get acquainted with the otherkind. Kate could live there twenty years and never meet a decent man. She'sa mighty attractive girl, and if she had a chance they's nobody shecouldn't marry. But she won't never have a chance in South Bend. And they'sno use of you saying 'Let her move,' because I'm going to keep her under myeye till she's married and settled down. So in other words, I want us topack up and leave South Bend for good and all and move somewhere wherewe'll get something for our money.""For instance, where?" I ast her."They's only one place," she said; "New York City.""I've heard of it," said I, "but I never heard that people who couldn'tenjoy themselves on eight thousand a year in South Bend could go to NewYork and tear it wide open.""I'm not planning to make no big splurge," she says. "I just want to bewhere they's Life and fun; where we can meet real live people. And as fornot living there on eight thousand, think of the families that's alreadyliving there on half of that and less!""And think of the Life and fun they're having!" I says."But when you talk about eight thousand a year," said the Mrs., "why do wehave to hold ourselves to that? We can sell some of those bonds and spend alittle of our principal. It will just be taking money out of one investmentand putting it in another.""What other?" I ast her."Kate," said the wife. "You let me take her to New York and manage her andI'll get her a husband that'll think our eight thousand a year fell out ofhis vest.""Do you mean," I said, "that you'd let a sister of yours marry for money?""Well," she says, "I know a sister of hers that wouldn't mind if she had."So I argued and tried to compromise on somewhere in America, but it was NewYork or nothing with her. You see, she hadn't never been here, and all asshe knew about it she'd read in books and magazines, and for some reasonanother when authors starts in on that subject it ain't very long tillthey've got a weeping jag. Besides, what chance did I have when she keptreminding me that it was her stepfather, not mine, that had croaked andmade us all rich?When I had give up she called Kate in and told her, and Kate squealed andkissed us both, though God knows I didn't deserve no remuneration or askfor none.Ella had things all planned out. We was to sell our furniture and take afurnished apartment here, but we would stay in some hotel till we found afurnished apartment that was within reason."Our stay in some hotel will be life-long," I said.The furniture, when we come to sell it, wasn't worth nothing, and that'swhat we got. We didn't have nothing to ship, as Ella found room for ourbooks in my collar box. I got two lowers and an upper in spite of theGovernment, and with two taxi drivers and the baggageman thronging thestation platform we pulled out of South Bend and set forth to see Life.The first four miles of the journey was marked by considerable sniveling onthe part of the heiresses."If it's so painful to leave the Bend let's go back," I said."It isn't leaving the Bend," said the Mrs., "but it makes a person sad toleave any place.""Then we're going to have a muggy trip," said I. "This train stops prettynear everywhere to either discharge passengers or employees."They were still sobbing when we left Mishawaka and I had to pull some of mycomical stuff to get their minds off. My wife's mighty easy to look at whenshe hasn't got those watery blues, but I never did see a gal that knockedyou for a goal when her nose was in full bloom.Katie had brought a flock of magazines and started in on one of them atElkhart, but it's pretty tough trying to read with the Northern Indianamountains to look out at, to say nothing about the birds of prey that keptprowling up and down the aisle in search of a little encouragement or agame of rhum.I noticed a couple of them that would of give a lady an answer if she'dapproached them in a nice way, but I've done some traveling myself and Iknow what kind of men it is that allows themselves to be drawed into aflirtation on trains. Most of them has made the mistake of getting marriedsome time, but they don't tell you that. They tell you that you and a galthey use to be stuck on is as much alike as a pair of corsets, and if youever come to Toledo to give them a ring, and they hand you atelephone number that's even harder to get than the ones there are; andthey ask you your name and address and write it down, and the next timethey're up at the Elks they show it to a couple of the brothers and tellwhat they'd of done if they'd only been going all the way through."Say, I hate to talk about myself! But say!"Well, I didn't see no sense in letting Katie waste her time on those kindof guys, so every time one of them looked our way I give him the fish eyeand the non-stop signal. But this was my first long trip since theGovernment started to play train, and I didn't know the new rules inregards to getting fed; otherwise I wouldn't of never cleaned up in WallStreet.In the old days we use to wait till the boy come through and announced thatdinner was now being served in the dining car forward; then we'd saunterinto the washroom and wash our hands if necessary, and ramble into thediner and set right down and enjoy as big a meal as we could afford. Butthe Government wants to be economical, so they've cut down the number oftrains, to say nothing about the victuals; and they's two or three times asmany people traveling, because they can't throw their money away fastenough at home. So the result is that the wise guys keeps an eye on theirwatch and when it's about twenty minutes to dinner time they race to thediner and park against the door and get quick action; and after they've eatthe first time they go out and stand in the vestibule and wait till it'stheir turn again, as one Federal meal don't do nothing to your appetiteonly whet it, you might say.Well, anyway, I was playing the old rules and by the time I and the twogals started for the diner we run up against the outskirts of a crowdpretty near as big as the ones that waits outside restaurant windows towatch a pancake turn turtle. About eight o'clock we got to where we couldsee the wealthy dining car conductor in the distance, but it was only aboutonce every quarter of an hour that he raised a hand, and then he seemed toof had all but one of his fingers shot off.I have often heard it said that the way to a man's heart is through hisstomach, but every time I ever seen men and women keep waiting for theireats it was always the frail sex that give the first yelp, and personallyI've often wondered what would of happened in the trenches Over There ifladies had of been occupying them when the rations failed to show up. Iguess the bombs bursting round would of sounded like Sweet and Low sang bya quextette of deef mutes.Anyway, my two charges was like wild animals, and when the con finally heldup two fingers I didn't have no more chance or desire to stop them than asif they was the Center College Football Club right after opening prayer.The pair of them was ushered to a table for four where they already was acouple of guys making the best of it, and it wasn't more than ten minuteslater when one of these birds dipped his bill in the finger bowl andstaggered out, but by the time I took his place the other gent and my twogals was talking like barbers.The guy was Francis Griffin that's in the clipping. But when Ellaintroduced us all as she said was, "This is my husband," without mentioninghis name, which she didn't know at that time, or mine, which had probablyslipped her memory.Griffin looked at me like I was a side dish that he hadn't ordered. Well, Idon't mind snubs except when I get them, so I ast him if he wasn't fromSioux City--you could tell he was from New York by his blue collar."From Sioux City!" he says. "I should hope not!""I beg your pardon," I said. "You look just like a photographer I used toknow out there.""I'm a New Yorker," he said, "and I can't get home too soon.""Not on this train, you can't," I said."I missed the Century," he says."Well," I says with a polite smile, "the Century's loss is our gain.""You wife's been telling me," he says, "that you're moving to the Big Town.Have you ever been there?""Only for a few hours," I says."Well," he said, "when you've been there a few weeks you'll wonder why youever lived anywhere else. When I'm away from old Broadway I always feellike I'm only camping out."Both the gals smiled their appreciation, so I says: "That certainlyexpresses it. You'd ought to remember that line and give it to GeorgieCohan.""Old Georgie!" he says. "I'd give him anything I got and welcome. Butlisten! Your wife mentioned something about a good hotel to stop at wileyou're looking for a home. Take my advice and pick out one that's near thecenter of things; you'll more than make up the difference in taxi bills. Ilived up in the Hundreds one winter and it averaged me ten dollars a day incab fares.""You must of had a pleasant home life," I says."Me!" he said. "I'm an old bachelor.""Old!" says Kate, and her and the Mrs. both giggled."But seriously," he says, "if I was you I would go right to the Baldwin,where you can get a room for twelve dollars a day for the three of you; andyou're walking distance from the theaters or shops or cafs or anywheresyou want to go.""That sounds grand!" said Ella."As far as I'm concerned," I said, "I'd just as lief be overseas from anyof the places you've mentioned. What I'm looking for is a home with acouple of beds and a cook-stove in the kitchen, and maybe a bath.""But we want to see New York first," said Katie, "and we can do that betterwithout no household cares.""That's the idear!" says Griffin. "Eat, drink and be merry; to-morrow wemay die.""I guess we won't drink ourselves to death," I said, "not if the Big Town'slike where we been living.""Oh, say!" says our new friend. "Do you think little old New York is goingto stand for prohibition? Why, listen! I can take you to thirty placesto-morrow night where you can get all you want in any one of them.""Let's pass up the other twenty-nine," I says."But that isn't the idear," he said. "What makes we New Yorkers sore is tothink they should try and wish a law like that on Us. Isn't this supposedto be a government of the people, for the people and by the people?""People!" I said. "Who and the hell voted for prohibition if it wasn't thepeople?""The people of where?" he says. "A lot of small-time hicks that couldn'tbuy a drink if they wanted it.""Including the hicks," I says, "that's in the New York State legislature.""But not the people of New York City," he said. "And you can't tell me it'sfair to spring a thing like this without warning on men that's got theirfortunes tied up in liquor that they can't never get rid of now, only at asacrifice.""You're right," I said. "They ought to give them some warning. Instead ofthat they was never even a hint of what was coming off till Maine went dryseventy years ago.""Maine?" he said. "What the hell is Maine?""I don't know," I said. "Only they was a ship or a boat or something namedafter it once, and the Spaniards sunk it and we sued them for libel orsomething.""You're a smart Aleck," he said. "But speaking about war, where was you?""In the shipyards at South Bend painting a duck boat," I says. "And wherewas you?""I'd of been in there in a few more weeks," he says. "They wasn't noslackers in the Big Town.""No," said I, "and America will never forget New York for coming in on ourside."By this time the gals was both giving me dirty looks, and we'd eat all wecould get, so we paid our checks and went back in our car and I felt kindof apologetic, so I dug down in the old grip and got out a bottle ofbourbon that a South Bend pal of mine, George Hull, had give me the daybefore; and Griffin and I went in the washroom with it and before theevening was over we was pretty near ready to forget national boundaries andkiss.The old bourb' helped me save money the next morning, as I didn't care forno breakfast. Ella and Kate went in with Griffin and you could of knockedme over with a coupling pin when the Mrs. come back and reported that he'dinsisted on paying the check. "He told us all about himself," she said."His name is Francis Griffin and he's in Wall Street. Last year he clearedtwenty thousand dollars in commissions and everything.""He's a piker," I says. "Most of them never even think under six figures.""There you go!" said the Mrs. "You never believe nothing. Why shouldn't hebe telling the truth? Didn't he buy our breakfast?""I been buying your breakfast for five years," I said, "but that don'tprove that I'm knocking out twenty thousand per annum in Wall Street."Francis and Katie was setting together four or five seats ahead of us."You ought to of seen the way he looked at her in the diner," said the Mrs."He looked like he wanted to eat her up.""Everybody gets desperate in a diner these days," I said. "Did you and Katego fifty-fifty with him? Did you tell him how much money we got?""I should say not!" says Ella. "But I guess we did say that you wasn'tdoing nothing just now and that we was going to New York to see Life, afterbeing cooped up in a small town all these years. And Sis told him you'dmade us put pretty near everything in bonds, so all we can spend is eightthousand a year. He said that wouldn't go very far in the Big Town.""I doubt if it ever gets as far as the Big Town," I said. "It won't if hemakes up his mind to take it away from us.""Oh, shut up!" said the Mrs. "He's all right and I'm for him, and I hopeSis is too. They'd make a stunning couple. I wished I knew what they'retalking about.""Well," I said, "they're both so reserved that I suppose they're tellingeach other how they're affected by cucumbers."When they come back and joined us Ella said: "We was just remarking howwell you two young things seemed to be getting along. We was wondering whatyou found to say to one another all this time.""Well," said Francis, "just now I think we were discussing you. Your sistersaid you'd been married five years and I pretty near felt like calling hera fibber. I told her you looked like you was just out of high school.""I've heard about you New Yorkers before," said the Mrs. "You're alwaystrying to flatter somebody.""Not me," said Francis. "I never say nothing without meaning it.""But sometimes," says I, "you'd ought to go on and explain the meaning."Along about Schenectady my appetite begin to come back. I'd made it a pointthis time to find out when the diner was going to open, and then when itdid our party fell in with the door."The wife tells me you're on the stock exchange," I says to Francis whenwe'd give our order."Just in a small way," he said. "But they been pretty good to me downthere. I knocked out twenty thousand last year.""That's what he told us this morning," said Ella."Well," said I, "they's no reason for a man to forget that kind of moneybetween Rochester and Albany, even if this is a slow train.""Twenty thousand isn't a whole lot in the Big Town," said Francis, "butstill and all, I manage to get along and enjoy myself a little on theside.""I suppose it's enough to keep one person," I said."Well," says Francis, "they say two can live as cheap as one."Then him and Kate and Ella all giggled, and the waiter brought in a part ofwhat he thought we'd ordered and we eat what we could and ast for thecheck. Francis said he wanted it and I was going to give in to him after along hard struggle, but the gals reminded him that he'd paid for breakfast,so he said all right, but we'd all have to take dinner with him some night.I and Francis set a wile in the washroom and smoked, and then he went toentertain the gals, but I figured the wife would go right to sleep like shealways does when they's any scenery to look out at, so I stuck where I wasand listened to what a couple of toothpick salesmen from Omsk would of donewith the League of Nations if Wilson had of had sense enough to leave it tothem.Pulling into the Grand Central Station, Francis apologized for not beingable to steer us over to the Baldwin and see us settled, but said he had torush right downtown and report on his Chicago trip before the officeclosed. To see him when he parted with the gals you'd of thought he wasgoing clear to Siberia to compete in the Olympic Games, or whatever it iswe're in over there.Well, I took the heiresses to the Baldwin and got a regular Big Townwelcome. Ella and Kate set against a pillar wile I tried different tricksto make an oil-haired clerk look at me. New York hotel clerks always seemto of just dropped something and can't take their eyes off the floor.Finally I started to pick up the register and the guy give me the fish eyeand ast what he could do for me."Well," I said, "when I come to a hotel I don't usually want to buy a strawhat."He ast me if I had a reservation and I told him no."Can't do nothing for you then," he says. "Not till to-morrow morninganyway."So I went back to the ladies."We'll have to go somewhere else," I said. "This joint's a joint. Theywon't give us nothing till to-morrow.""But we can't go nowhere else," said the Mrs. "What would Mr. Griffinthink, after recommending us to come here?""Well," I said, "if you think I'm going to park myself in a four-post chairall night just because we got a tip on a hotel from Wall Street you'reQueen of the Cuckoos.""Are you sure they haven't anything at all?" she says."Go ask them yourself!" I told her.Well, she did, and in about ten minutes she come back and said everythingwas fixed."They'll give us a single room with bath and a double room with bath forfifteen dollars a day," she said."'Give us' is good!" said I."I told him we'd wired for reservations and it wasn't our fault if the wiredidn't get here," she said. "He was awfully nice."Our rooms was right close to each other on the twenty-first floor. On theway up we decided by two votes to one that we'd dress for dinner. I wasstill monkeying with my tie when Katie come in for Ella to look her over.She had on the riskiest dress she'd bought in Chi."It's a pretty dress," she said, "but I'm afraid maybe it's too daring forjust a hotel dining room."Say we hadn't no sooner than set down in the hotel dining room when twoother gals come in that made my team look like they was dressed for asleigh ride with Doc Cook."I guess you don't feel so daring now," I said. "Compared to that baby inblack you're wearing Jess Willard's ulster.""Do you know what that black gown cost?" said Ella. "Not a cent under sevenhundred dollars.""That would make the material twenty-one hundred dollars a yard," I says."I'd like to know where she got it," said Katie."Maybe she cut up an old stocking," said I."I wished now," said the Mrs., "that we'd waited till we got here before webought our clothes.""You can bet one thing," says Katie. "Before we're ast out anywhere on areal party we'll have something to wear that isn't a year old.""First thing to-morrow morning," says the Mrs., "we'll go over on FifthAvenue and see what we can see.""They'll only be two on that excursion," I says."Oh, we don't want you along," said Ella. "But I do wished you'd go to somefirst-class men's store and get some ties and shirts and things that don'tlook like an embalmer."Well, after a wile one of the waiters got it in his head that maybe wehadn't came in to take a bath, so he fetched over a couple of programs."Never mind them," I says. "What's ready? We're in a hurry.""The Long Island Duckling's very nice," he said. "And how about some niceau gratin potatoes and some nice lettuce and tomato salad with ThousandIsland dressing, and maybe some nice French pastry?""Everything seems to be nice here," I said. "But wait a minute. How aboutsomething to drink?"He give me a mysterious smile."Well," he said, "they're watching us pretty close here, but we servesomething we call a cup. It comes from the bar and we're not supposed toknow what the bartender puts in it.""We'll try and find out," I said. "And rush this order through, as we'restarved."So he frisked out and was back again in less than an hour with another guyto help carry the stuff, though Lord knows he could of parked the threeducklings on one eyelid and the whole meal on the back of his hand. As forthe cup, when you tasted it they wasn't no big mystery about what thebartender had put in it--a bottle of seltzer and a prune and a cherry andan orange peel, and maybe his finger. The check come to eighteen dollarsand Ella made me tip him the rest of a twenty.Before dinner the gals had been all for staying up a wile and looking thecrowd over, but when we was through they both owned up that they hadn'tslept much on the train and was ready for bed.Ella and Kate was up early in the morning. They had their breakfast withoutme and went over to stun Fifth Avenue. About ten o'clock Francis phoned tosay he'd call round for us that evening and take us to dinner. The galsdidn't get back till late in the afternoon, but from one o'clock on I wastoo busy signing for packages to get lonesome. Ella finally staggered inwith some more and I told her about our invitation."Yes, I know," she said."How do you know?" I ast her."He told us," she said. "We had to call him up to get a check cashed.""You got plenty nerve!" I said. "How does he know your checks is good?""Well, he likes us," she said. "You'll like us too when you see us in someof the gowns we bought.""Some!" I said."Why, yes," said the Mrs. "You don't think a girl can go round in New Yorkwith one evening dress!""How much money did you spend to-day?" I ast her."Well," she said, "things are terribly high--that is, nice things. Andthen, of course, there's suits and hats and things besides the gowns. Butremember, it's our money. And as I told you, it's an investment. When youngMister Wall Street sees Kate to-night it'll be all off.""I didn't call on you for no speech," I says. "I ast you how much youspent.""Not quite sixteen hundred dollars."I was still out on my feet when the phone rung. Ella answered it and thentold me it was all right about the tickets."What tickets?" I said."Why, you see," she says, "after young Griffin fixing us up with that checkand inviting us to dinner and everything we thought it would be nice totake him to a show to-night. Kate wanted to see Ups and Downs, but the girlsaid she couldn't get us seats for it. So I ast that nice clerk that tookcare of us yesterday and he's fixed it.""All right," I said, "but when young Griffin starts a party, why and thehell not let him finish it?""I suppose he would of took us somewhere after dinner," says the Mrs., "butI couldn't be sure. And between you and I, I'm positive that if he and Kateis throwed together a whole evening, and her looking like she'll lookto-night, we'll get mighty quick returns on our investment."Well, to make a short story out of it, the gals finally got what theycalled dressed, and I wished Niles, Michigan, or South Bend could of seenthem. If boxers wore bathing skirts I'd of thought I was in the ring with acouple of bantams."Listen!" I said. "What did them two girdles cost?""Mine was three hundred and Kate's three hundred and fifty," said the Mrs."Well," I says, "don't you know that you could of went to any cut-ratedrugstore and wrapped yourself up just as warm in thirty-two cents' worthof adhesive tape? Listen!" I said. "What's the use of me paying a burglarfor tickets to a show like Ups and Downs when I could set round here andlook at you for nothing?"Then Griffin rung up to say that he was waiting and we went downstairs.Francis took us in the same dining room we'd been in the night before, butthis time the waiters all fought each other to get to us first.I don't know what we eat, as Francis had something on the hip that kind ofdazed me for a wile, but afterwards I know we got a taxi and went to thetheater. The tickets was there in my name and only cost me thirteen dollarsand twenty cents.Maybe you seen this show wile it was here. Some show! I didn't read theprogram to see who wrote it, but I guess the words was by Noah and themusic took the highest awards at the St. Louis Fair. They had a good systemon the gags. They didn't spring none but what you'd heard all your life andknew what was coming, so instead of just laughing at the point you laughedall the way through it.I said to Ella, I said, "I bet the birds that run this don't wantprohibition. If people paid $3.30 apiece and come in here sober they'd comeback the next night with a machine gun.""I think it's dandy," she says, "and you'll notice every seat is full. Butlisten! Will you do something for me? When this is over suggest that we goup to the Castle Roof for a wile.""What for?" I said. "I'm sleepy.""Just this once," she says. "You know what I told you about quick returns!"Well, I give in and made the suggestion, and I never seen people so easycoaxed. I managed to get a ringside table for twenty-two bucks. Then I astthe boy how about getting a drink and he ast me if I knew any of the headwaiters."I do," says Francis. "Tell Hector it's for Frank Griffin's party."So we ordered four Scotch highballs and some chicken la King, and thenthe dinge orchestra tore loose some jazz and I was expecting a dance withElla, but before she could ask me Francis had ast her, and I had one withKate."Your Wall Street friend's a fox," I says, "asking an old married lady todance so's to stand in with the family.""Old married lady!" said Kate. "Sis don't look a day over sixteento-night.""How are you and Francis coming?" I ast her."I don't know," she says. "He acts kind of shy. He hasn't hardly said aword to me all evening."Well, they was another jazz and I danced it with Ella; then her and Francishad another one and I danced again with Kate. By this time our food andrefreshments was served and the show was getting ready to start.I could write a book on what I don't remember about that show. The firstsip of their idear of a Scotch highball put me down for the count of eightand I was practic'lly unconscious till the waiter woke me up with a checkfor forty bucks.Francis seen us home and said he would call up again soon, and when Ellaand I was alone I made the remark that I didn't think he'd ever strain hislarnix talking to Kate."He acts gun-shy when he's round her," I says. "You seem to be the one thatdraws him out.""It's a good sign," she says. "A man's always embarrassed when he's with agirl he's stuck on. I'll bet you anything you want to bet that within aweek something'll happen."Well, she win. She'd of win if she'd of said three days instead of a week.It was a Wednesday night when we had that party, and on the Friday Franciscalled up and said he had tickets for the Palace. I'd been laid up meanwile with the Scotch influenza, so I told the gals to cut me out. I wasstill awake yet when Ella come in a little after midnight."Well," I asked, "are we going to have a brother-in-law?""Mighty soon," she says.So I ast her what had come off."Nothing-to-night," she says, "except this: He wrote me a note. He wants meto go with him to-morrow afternoon and look at a little furnishedapartment. And he ast me if I could come without Sis, as he wants to pull asurprise on her. So I wondered if you couldn't think of some way to fix itso's I can sneak off for a couple of hours.""Sure!" I said. "Just tell her you didn't sleep all night and you're woreout and want to take a nap."So she pulled this gag at lunch Saturday and Katie said she was tired too.She went up to her room and Ella snuck out to keep her date with Francis.In less than an hour she romped into our room again and throwed herself onthe bed."Well," I says, "it must of been a little apartment if it didn't only takeyou this long to see it.""Oh, shut up!" she said. "I didn't see no apartment. And don't say a wordto me or I'll scream."Well, I finally got her calmed down and she give me the details. It seemsthat she'd met Francis, and he'd got a taxi and they'd got in the taxi andthey hadn't no sooner than got in the taxi when Francis give her a kiss."Quick returns," I says."I'll kill you if you say another word!" she says.So I managed to keep still.Well, I didn't know Francis' home address, and Wall Street don't runSundays, so I spent the Sabbath training on a quart of rye that a bell hoppicked up at a bargain sale somewhere for fifteen dollars. Mean wile Katiehad been let in on the secret and staid in our room all day, moaning like aprune-fed calf."I'm afraid to leave her alone," says Ella. "I'm afraid she'll jump out thewindow.""You're easily worried," I said. "What I'm afraid of is that she won't."Monday morning finally come, as it generally always does, and I told thegals I was going to some first-class men's store and buy myself some tiesand shirts that didn't look like a South Bend embalmer.So the only store I knew about was H. L. Krause & Co. in Wall Street, butit turned out to be an office. I ast for Mr. Griffin and they ast me myname and I made one up, Sam Hall or something, and out he come.If I told you the rest of it you'd think I was bragging. But I did bust afew records. Charley Brickley and Walter Eckersall both kicked five goalsfrom field in one football game, and they was a bird named Robertson orsomething out at Purdue that kicked seven. Then they was one of theold-time ball players, Bobby Lowe or Ed Delehanty, that hit four or fivehome runs in one afternoon. And out to Toledo that time Dempsey made bigJess set down seven times in one round.Well, listen! In a little less than three minutes I floored this bird ninetimes and I kicked him for eight goals from the field and I hit him overthe fence for ten home runs. Don't talk records to me!So that's what they meant in the clipping about a Hoosier cleaning up inWall Street. But it's only a kid, see?