Ch. 4: Tweedledum and Tweedledee

by Lewis Carroll

  They were standing under a tree, each with an arm round theother's neck, and Alice knew which was which in a moment, becauseone of them had 'DUM' embroidered on his collar, and the other'DEE.' 'I suppose they've each got "TWEEDLE" round at the backof the collar,' she said to herself.They stood so still that she quite forgot they were alive,and she was just looking round to see if the word "TWEEDLE" waswritten at the back of each collar, when she was startled by avoice coming from the one marked 'DUM.''If you think we're wax-works,' he said, 'you ought to pay, youknow. Wax-works weren't made to be looked at for nothing, nohow!''Contrariwise,' added the one marked 'DEE,' 'if you think we'realive, you ought to speak.''I'm sure I'm very sorry,' was all Alice could say; for the wordsof the old song kept ringing through her head like the tickingof a clock, and she could hardly help saying them out loud:-- 'Tweedledum and Tweedledee Agreed to have a battle; For Tweedledum said Tweedledee Had spoiled his nice new rattle. Just then flew down a monstrous crow, As black as a tar-barrel; Which frightened both the heroes so, They quite forgot their quarrel.' 'I know what you're thinking about,' said Tweedledum: 'but itisn't so, nohow.''Contrariwise,' continued Tweedledee, 'if it was so, it mightbe; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.That's logic.''I was thinking,' Alice said very politely, 'which is the bestway out of this wood: it's getting so dark. Would you tell me,please?'But the little men only looked at each other and grinned.They looked so exactly like a couple of great schoolboys, thatAlice couldn't help pointing her finger at Tweedledum, and saying'First Boy!''Nohow!' Tweedledum cried out briskly, and shut his mouth upagain with a snap.'Next Boy!' said Alice, passing on to Tweedledee, though shefelt quite certain he would only shout out 'Contrariwise!' and sohe did.'You've been wrong!' cried Tweedledum. 'The first thing in avisit is to say "How d'ye do?" and shake hands!' And here thetwo brothers gave each other a hug, and then they held out thetwo hands that were free, to shake hands with her.Alice did not like shaking hands with either of them first, forfear of hurting the other one's feelings; so, as the best way outof the difficulty, she took hold of both hands at once: the nextmoment they were dancing round in a ring. This seemed quitenatural (she remembered afterwards), and she was not evensurprised to hear music playing: it seemed to come from the treeunder which they were dancing, and it was done (as well as shecould make it out) by the branches rubbing one across the other,like fiddles and fiddle-sticks.'But it certainly WAS funny,' (Alice said afterwards, when shewas telling her sister the history of all this,) 'to find myselfsinging "HERE WE GO ROUND THE MULBERRY BUSH." I don't know whenI began it, but somehow I felt as if I'd been singing it a longlong time!'The other two dancers were fat, and very soon out of breath.'Four times round is enough for one dance,' Tweedledum pantedout, and they left off dancing as suddenly as they had begun:the music stopped at the same moment.Then they let go of Alice's hands, and stood looking at her fora minute: there was a rather awkward pause, as Alice didn't knowhow to begin a conversation with people she had just been dancingwith. 'It would never do to say "How d'ye do?" NOW,' she said toherself: 'we seem to have got beyond that, somehow!''I hope you're not much tired?' she said at last.'Nohow. And thank you VERY much for asking,' said Tweedledum.'So much obliged!' added Tweedledee. 'You like poetry?''Ye-es, pretty well--SOME poetry,' Alice said doubtfully.'Would you tell me which road leads out of the wood?''What shall I repeat to her?' said Tweedledee, looking round atTweedledum with great solemn eyes, and not noticing Alice's question.'"THE WALRUS AND THE CARPENTER" is the longest,' Tweedledumreplied, giving his brother an affectionate hug.Tweedledee began instantly: 'The sun was shining--' Here Alice ventured to interrupt him. 'If it's VERY long,' shesaid, as politely as she could, 'would you please tell me firstwhich road--'Tweedledee smiled gently, and began again: 'The sun was shining on the sea, Shining with all his might: He did his very best to make The billows smooth and bright-- And this was odd, because it was The middle of the night. The moon was shining sulkily, Because she thought the sun Had got no business to be there After the day was done-- "It's very rude of him," she said, "To come and spoil the fun!" The sea was wet as wet could be, The sands were dry as dry. You could not see a cloud, because No cloud was in the sky: No birds were flying over head-- There were no birds to fly. The Walrus and the Carpenter Were walking close at hand; They wept like anything to see Such quantities of sand: "If this were only cleared away," They said, "it WOULD be grand!" "If seven maids with seven mops Swept it for half a year, Do you suppose," the Walrus said, "That they could get it clear?" "I doubt it," said the Carpenter, And shed a bitter tear. "O Oysters, come and walk with us!" The Walrus did beseech. "A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk, Along the briny beach: We cannot do with more than four, To give a hand to each." The eldest Oyster looked at him. But never a word he said: The eldest Oyster winked his eye, And shook his heavy head-- Meaning to say he did not choose To leave the oyster-bed. But four young oysters hurried up, All eager for the treat: Their coats were brushed, their faces washed, Their shoes were clean and neat-- And this was odd, because, you know, They hadn't any feet. Four other Oysters followed them, And yet another four; And thick and fast they came at last, And more, and more, and more-- All hopping through the frothy waves, And scrambling to the shore. The Walrus and the Carpenter Walked on a mile or so, And then they rested on a rock Conveniently low: And all the little Oysters stood And waited in a row. "The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things: Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax-- Of cabbages--and kings-- And why the sea is boiling hot-- And whether pigs have wings." "But wait a bit," the Oysters cried, "Before we have our chat; For some of us are out of breath, And all of us are fat!" "No hurry!" said the Carpenter. They thanked him much for that. "A loaf of bread," the Walrus said, "Is what we chiefly need: Pepper and vinegar besides Are very good indeed-- Now if you're ready Oysters dear, We can begin to feed." "But not on us!" the Oysters cried, Turning a little blue, "After such kindness, that would be A dismal thing to do!" "The night is fine," the Walrus said "Do you admire the view? "It was so kind of you to come! And you are very nice!" The Carpenter said nothing but "Cut us another slice: I wish you were not quite so deaf-- I've had to ask you twice!" "It seems a shame," the Walrus said, "To play them such a trick, After we've brought them out so far, And made them trot so quick!" The Carpenter said nothing but "The butter's spread too thick!" "I weep for you," the Walrus said. "I deeply sympathize." With sobs and tears he sorted out Those of the largest size. Holding his pocket handkerchief Before his streaming eyes. "O Oysters," said the Carpenter. "You've had a pleasant run! Shall we be trotting home again?" But answer came there none-- And that was scarcely odd, because They'd eaten every one.' 'I like the Walrus best,' said Alice: 'because you see he wasa LITTLE sorry for the poor oysters.''He ate more than the Carpenter, though,' said Tweedledee.'You see he held his handkerchief in front, so that the Carpentercouldn't count how many he took: contrariwise.''That was mean!' Alice said indignantly. 'Then I like theCarpenter best--if he didn't eat so many as the Walrus.''But he ate as many as he could get,' said Tweedledum.This was a puzzler. After a pause, Alice began, 'Well! Theywere BOTH very unpleasant characters--' Here she checkedherself in some alarm, at hearing something that sounded to herlike the puffing of a large steam-engine in the wood near them,though she feared it was more likely to be a wild beast.'Are there any lions or tigers about here?' she asked timidly.'It's only the Red King snoring,' said Tweedledee.'Come and look at him!' the brothers cried, and they each tookone of Alice's hands, and led her up to where the King was sleeping.'Isn't he a LOVELY sight?' said Tweedledum.Alice couldn't say honestly that he was. He had a tall rednight-cap on, with a tassel, and he was lying crumpled up into asort of untidy heap, and snoring loud--'fit to snore his headoff!' as Tweedledum remarked.'I'm afraid he'll catch cold with lying on the damp grass,'said Alice, who was a very thoughtful little girl.'He's dreaming now,' said Tweedledee: 'and what do you thinkhe's dreaming about?'Alice said 'Nobody can guess that.''Why, about YOU!' Tweedledee exclaimed, clapping his handstriumphantly. 'And if he left off dreaming about you, where doyou suppose you'd be?''Where I am now, of course,' said Alice.'Not you!' Tweedledee retorted contemptuously. 'You'd benowhere. Why, you're only a sort of thing in his dream!''If that there King was to wake,' added Tweedledum, 'you'd goout--bang!--just like a candle!''I shouldn't!' Alice exclaimed indignantly. 'Besides, if I'Monly a sort of thing in his dream, what are YOU, I should like toknow?''Ditto' said Tweedledum.'Ditto, ditto' cried Tweedledee.He shouted this so loud that Alice couldn't help saying, 'Hush!You'll be waking him, I'm afraid, if you make so much noise.''Well, it no use YOUR talking about waking him,' saidTweedledum, 'when you're only one of the things in his dream.You know very well you're not real.''I AM real!' said Alice and began to cry.'You won't make yourself a bit realler by crying,' Tweedledeeremarked: 'there's nothing to cry about.''If I wasn't real,' Alice said--half-laughing through hertears, it all seemed so ridiculous--'I shouldn't be able tocry.''I hope you don't suppose those are real tears?' Tweedleduminterrupted in a tone of great contempt.'I know they're talking nonsense,' Alice thought to herself:'and it's foolish to cry about it.' So she brushed away hertears, and went on as cheerfully as she could. 'At any rate I'dbetter be getting out of the wood, for really it's coming on verydark. Do you think it's going to rain?'Tweedledum spread a large umbrella over himself and hisbrother, and looked up into it. 'No, I don't think it is,' hesaid: 'at least--not under HERE. Nohow.''But it may rain OUTSIDE?''It may--if it chooses,' said Tweedledee: 'we've noobjection. Contrariwise.''Selfish things!' thought Alice, and she was just going to say'Good-night' and leave them, when Tweedledum sprang out fromunder the umbrella and seized her by the wrist.'Do you see THAT?' he said, in a voice choking with passion,and his eyes grew large and yellow all in a moment, as he pointedwith a trembling finger at a small white thing lying under thetree.'It's only a rattle,' Alice said, after a careful examinationof the little white thing. 'Not a rattleSNAKE, you know,' sheadded hastily, thinking that he was frightened: 'only an oldrattle--quite old and broken.''I knew it was!' cried Tweedledum, beginning to stamp aboutwildly and tear his hair. 'It's spoilt, of course!' Here helooked at Tweedledee, who immediately sat down on the ground, andtried to hide himself under the umbrella.Alice laid her hand upon his arm, and said in a soothing tone,'You needn't be so angry about an old rattle.''But it isn't old!' Tweedledum cried, in a greater fury thanever. 'It's new, I tell you--I bought it yesterday--my nicenew RATTLE!' and his voice rose to a perfect scream.All this time Tweedledee was trying his best to fold up theumbrella, with himself in it: which was such an extraordinarything to do, that it quite took off Alice's attention from theangry brother. But he couldn't quite succeed, and it ended inhis rolling over, bundled up in the umbrella, with only his headout: and there he lay, opening and shutting his mouth and hislarge eyes--'looking more like a fish than anything else,'Alice thought.'Of course you agree to have a battle?' Tweedledum said in acalmer tone.'I suppose so,' the other sulkily replied, as he crawled out ofthe umbrella: 'only SHE must help us to dress up, you know.'So the two brothers went off hand-in-hand into the wood, andreturned in a minute with their arms full of things--such asbolsters, blankets, hearth-rugs, table-cloths, dish-covers andcoal-scuttles. 'I hope you're a good hand at pinning and tyingstrings?' Tweedledum remarked. 'Every one of these things hasgot to go on, somehow or other.'Alice said afterwards she had never seen such a fuss made aboutanything in all her life--the way those two bustled about--and the quantity of things they put on--and the trouble theygave her in tying strings and fastening buttons--'Reallythey'll be more like bundles of old clothes than anything else,by the time they're ready!' she said to herself, as she arranged abolster round the neck of Tweedledee, 'to keep his head frombeing cut off,' as he said.'You know,' he added very gravely, 'it's one of the mostserious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle--toget one's head cut off.'Alice laughed aloud: but she managed to turn it into a cough,for fear of hurting his feelings.'Do I look very pale?' said Tweedledum, coming up to have hishelmet tied on. (He CALLED it a helmet, though it certainlylooked much more like a saucepan.)'Well--yes--a LITTLE,' Alice replied gently.'I'm very brave generally,' he went on in a low voice: 'onlyto-day I happen to have a headache.''And I'VE got a toothache!' said Tweedledee, who had overheardthe remark. 'I'm far worse off than you!''Then you'd better not fight to-day,' said Alice, thinking it agood opportunity to make peace.'We MUST have a bit of a fight, but I don't care about going onlong,' said Tweedledum. 'What's the time now?'Tweedledee looked at his watch, and said 'Half-past four.''Let's fight till six, and then have dinner,' said Tweedledum.'Very well,' the other said, rather sadly: 'and SHE can watchus--only you'd better not come VERY close,' he added: 'Igenerally hit everything I can see--when I get really excited.''And I hit everything within reach,' cried Tweedledum,'whether I can see it or not!'Alice laughed. 'You must hit the TREES pretty often, I shouldthink,' she said.Tweedledum looked round him with a satisfied smile. 'I don't suppose,'he said, 'there'll be a tree left standing, for ever so far round,by the time we've finished!''And all about a rattle!' said Alice, still hoping to make thema LITTLE ashamed of fighting for such a trifle.'I shouldn't have minded it so much,' said Tweedledum, 'if ithadn't been a new one.''I wish the monstrous crow would come!' thought Alice.'There's only one sword, you know,' Tweedledum said to hisbrother: 'but you can have the umbrella--it's quite as sharp.Only we must begin quick. It's getting as dark as it can.''And darker,' said Tweedledee.It was getting dark so suddenly that Alice thought there mustbe a thunderstorm coming on. 'What a thick black cloud that is!'she said. 'And how fast it comes! Why, I do believe it's gotwings!''It's the crow!' Tweedledum cried out in a shrill voice ofalarm: and the two brothers took to their heels and were out ofsight in a moment.Alice ran a little way into the wood, and stopped under a largetree. 'It can never get at me HERE,' she thought: 'it's far toolarge to squeeze itself in among the trees. But I wish it wouldn'tflap its wings so--it makes quite a hurricane in the wood--here's somebody's shawl being blown away!'


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