Ch. 5: Wool and Water

by Lewis Carroll

　　She caught the shawl as she spoke, and looked about for theowner: in another moment the White Queen came running wildlythrough the wood, with both arms stretched out wide, as if shewere flying, and Alice very civilly went to meet her with theshawl.'I'm very glad I happened to be in the way,' Alice said, as shehelped her to put on her shawl again.The White Queen only looked at her in a helpless frightenedsort of way, and kept repeating something in a whisper toherself that sounded like 'bread-and-butter, bread-and-butter,'and Alice felt that if there was to be any conversation at all,she must manage it herself. So she began rather timidly: 'Am Iaddressing the White Queen?''Well, yes, if you call that a-dressing,' The Queen said. 'Itisn't MY notion of the thing, at all.'Alice thought it would never do to have an argument at the verybeginning of their conversation, so she smiled and said, 'If yourMajesty will only tell me the right way to begin, I'll do it aswell as I can.''But I don't want it done at all!' groaned the poor Queen.'I've been a-dressing myself for the last two hours.'It would have been all the better, as it seemed to Alice, ifshe had got some one else to dress her, she was so dreadfullyuntidy. 'Every single thing's crooked,' Alice thought toherself, 'and she's all over pins!--may I put your shawlstraight for you?' she added aloud.'I don't know what's the matter with it!' the Queen said, in amelancholy voice. 'It's out of temper, I think. I've pinned ithere, and I've pinned it there, but there's no pleasing it!''It CAN'T go straight, you know, if you pin it all on one side,'Alice said, as she gently put it right for her; 'and, dear me,what a state your hair is in!''The brush has got entangled in it!' the Queen said with asigh. 'And I lost the comb yesterday.'Alice carefully released the brush, and did her best to get thehair into order. 'Come, you look rather better now!' she said,after altering most of the pins. 'But really you should have alady's maid!''I'm sure I'll take you with pleasure!' the Queen said.'Twopence a week, and jam every other day.'Alice couldn't help laughing, as she said, 'I don't want you tohire ME--and I don't care for jam.''It's very good jam,' said the Queen.'Well, I don't want any TO-DAY, at any rate.''You couldn't have it if you DID want it,' the Queen said.'The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday--but never jamto-day.''It MUST come sometimes to "jam to-day,"' Alice objected.'No, it can't,' said the Queen. 'It's jam every OTHER day:to-day isn't any OTHER day, you know.''I don't understand you,' said Alice. 'It's dreadfullyconfusing!''That's the effect of living backwards,' the Queen said kindly:'it always makes one a little giddy at first--''Living backwards!' Alice repeated in great astonishment. 'Inever heard of such a thing!''--but there's one great advantage in it, that one's memoryworks both ways.''I'm sure MINE only works one way,' Alice remarked. 'I can'tremember things before they happen.''It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards,' theQueen remarked.'What sort of things do YOU remember best?' Alice ventured toask.'Oh, things that happened the week after next,' the Queenreplied in a careless tone. 'For instance, now,' she went on,sticking a large piece of plaster [band-aid] on her finger as shespoke, 'there's the King's Messenger. He's in prison now, beingpunished: and the trial doesn't even begin till next Wednesday:and of course the crime comes last of all.''Suppose he never commits the crime?' said Alice.'That would be all the better, wouldn't it?' the Queen said,as she bound the plaster round her finger with a bit of ribbon.Alice felt there was no denying THAT. 'Of course it would beall the better,' she said: 'but it wouldn't be all the betterhis being punished.''You're wrong THERE, at any rate,' said the Queen: 'were YOUever punished?''Only for faults,' said Alice.'And you were all the better for it, I know!' the Queen saidtriumphantly.'Yes, but then I HAD done the things I was punished for,' saidAlice: 'that makes all the difference.''But if you HADN'T done them,' the Queen said, 'that would havebeen better still; better, and better, and better!' Her voice wenthigher with each 'better,' till it got quite to a squeak at last.Alice was just beginning to say 'There's a mistake somewhere--,'when the Queen began screaming so loud that she had to leavethe sentence unfinished. 'Oh, oh, oh!' shouted the Queen,shaking her hand about as if she wanted to shake it off.'My finger's bleeding! Oh, oh, oh, oh!'Her screams were so exactly like the whistle of a steam-engine,that Alice had to hold both her hands over her ears.'What IS the matter?' she said, as soon as there was a chanceof making herself heard. 'Have you pricked your finger?''I haven't pricked it YET,' the Queen said, 'but I soon shall--oh, oh, oh!''When do you expect to do it?' Alice asked, feeling very muchinclined to laugh.'When I fasten my shawl again,' the poor Queen groaned out:'the brooch will come undone directly. Oh, oh!' As she said thewords the brooch flew open, and the Queen clutched wildly at it,and tried to clasp it again.'Take care!' cried Alice. 'You're holding it all crooked!'And she caught at the brooch; but it was too late: the pin hadslipped, and the Queen had pricked her finger.'That accounts for the bleeding, you see,' she said to Alicewith a smile. 'Now you understand the way things happen here.''But why don't you scream now?' Alice asked, holding her handsready to put over her ears again.'Why, I've done all the screaming already,' said the Queen.'What would be the good of having it all over again?'By this time it was getting light. 'The crow must have flownaway, I think,' said Alice: 'I'm so glad it's gone. I thoughtit was the night coming on.''I wish I could manage to be glad!' the Queen said. 'Only Inever can remember the rule. You must be very happy, living inthis wood, and being glad whenever you like!''Only it is so VERY lonely here!' Alice said in a melancholyvoice; and at the thought of her loneliness two large tears camerolling down her cheeks.'Oh, don't go on like that!' cried the poor Queen, wringing herhands in despair. 'Consider what a great girl you are. Considerwhat a long way you've come to-day. Consider what o'clock it is.Consider anything, only don't cry!'Alice could not help laughing at this, even in the midst of her tears.'Can YOU keep from crying by considering things?' she asked.'That's the way it's done,' the Queen said with great decision:'nobody can do two things at once, you know. Let's consider your ageto begin with--how old are you?''I'm seven and a half exactly.''You needn't say "exactually,"' the Queen remarked: 'I canbelieve it without that. Now I'll give YOU something to believe.I'm just one hundred and one, five months and a day.''I can't believe THAT!' said Alice.'Can't you?' the Queen said in a pitying tone. 'Try again:draw a long breath, and shut your eyes.'Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said: 'one CAN'Tbelieve impossible things.''I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen.'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day.Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible thingsbefore breakfast. There goes the shawl again!'The brooch had come undone as she spoke, and a sudden gust ofwind blew the Queen's shawl across a little brook. The Queenspread out her arms again, and went flying after it, and thistime she succeeded in catching it for herself. 'I've got it!'she cried in a triumphant tone. 'Now you shall see me pin iton again, all by myself!''Then I hope your finger is better now?' Alice said verypolitely, as she crossed the little brook after the Queen. * * * * * * * 'Oh, much better!' cried the Queen, her voice rising to asqueak as she went on. 'Much be-etter! Be-etter! Be-e-e-etter!Be-e-ehh!' The last word ended in a long bleat, so like a sheepthat Alice quite started.She looked at the Queen, who seemed to have suddenly wrappedherself up in wool. Alice rubbed her eyes, and looked again.She couldn't make out what had happened at all. Was she in ashop? And was that really--was it really a SHEEP that wassitting on the other side of the counter? Rub as she could, shecould make nothing more of it: she was in a little dark shop,leaning with her elbows on the counter, and opposite to her was anold Sheep, sitting in an arm-chair knitting, and every now andthen leaving off to look at her through a great pair of spectacles.'What is it you want to buy?' the Sheep said at last, lookingup for a moment from her knitting.'I don't QUITE know yet,' Alice said, very gently. 'I shouldlike to look all round me first, if I might.''You may look in front of you, and on both sides, if you like,'said the Sheep: 'but you can't look ALL round you--unlessyou've got eyes at the back of your head.'But these, as it happened, Alice had NOT got: so she contented herselfwith turning round, looking at the shelves as she came to them.The shop seemed to be full of all manner of curious things--but the oddest part of it all was, that whenever she looked hardat any shelf, to make out exactly what it had on it, thatparticular shelf was always quite empty: though the others roundit were crowded as full as they could hold.'Things flow about so here!' she said at last in a plaintivetone, after she had spent a minute or so in vainly pursuing alarge bright thing, that looked sometimes like a doll andsometimes like a work-box, and was always in the shelf next abovethe one she was looking at. 'And this one is the most provokingof all--but I'll tell you what--' she added, as a suddenthought struck her, 'I'll follow it up to the very top shelf ofall. It'll puzzle it to go through the ceiling, I expect!'But even this plan failed: the 'thing' went through theceiling as quietly as possible, as if it were quite used to it.'Are you a child or a teetotum?' the Sheep said, as she took upanother pair of needles. 'You'll make me giddy soon, if you goon turning round like that.' She was now working with fourteenpairs at once, and Alice couldn't help looking at her in greatastonishment.'How CAN she knit with so many?' the puzzled child thought toherself. 'She gets more and more like a porcupine every minute!''Can you row?' the Sheep asked, handing her a pair of knitting-needles as she spoke.'Yes, a little--but not on land--and not with needles--'Alice was beginning to say, when suddenly the needles turned intooars in her hands, and she found they were in a little boat,gliding along between banks: so there was nothing for it but todo her best.'Feather!' cried the Sheep, as she took up another pair ofneedles.This didn't sound like a remark that needed any answer, soAlice said nothing, but pulled away. There was something veryqueer about the water, she thought, as every now and then theoars got fast in it, and would hardly come out again.'Feather! Feather!' the Sheep cried again, taking moreneedles. 'You'll be catching a crab directly.''A dear little crab!' thought Alice. 'I should like that.''Didn't you hear me say "Feather"?' the Sheep cried angrily,taking up quite a bunch of needles.'Indeed I did,' said Alice: 'you've said it very often--andvery loud. Please, where ARE the crabs?''In the water, of course!' said the Sheep, sticking some of theneedles into her hair, as her hands were full. 'Feather, I say!''WHY do you say "feather" so often?' Alice asked at last,rather vexed. 'I'm not a bird!''You are,' said the Sheep: 'you're a little goose.'This offended Alice a little, so there was no more conversationfor a minute or two, while the boat glided gently on, sometimesamong beds of weeds (which made the oars stick fast in the water,worse then ever), and sometimes under trees, but always with thesame tall river-banks frowning over their heads.'Oh, please! There are some scented rushes!' Alice cried in asudden transport of delight. 'There really are--and SUCHbeauties!''You needn't say "please" to ME about 'em,' the Sheep said,without looking up from her knitting: 'I didn't put 'em there,and I'm not going to take 'em away.''No, but I meant--please, may we wait and pick some?' Alicepleaded. 'If you don't mind stopping the boat for a minute.''How am _I_ to stop it?' said the Sheep. 'If you leave offrowing, it'll stop of itself.'So the boat was left to drift down the stream as it would, tillit glided gently in among the waving rushes. And then the littlesleeves were carefully rolled up, and the little arms wereplunged in elbow-deep to get the rushes a good long way downbefore breaking them off--and for a while Alice forgot allabout the Sheep and the knitting, as she bent over the side ofthe boat, with just the ends of her tangled hair dipping into thewater--while with bright eager eyes she caught at one bunchafter another of the darling scented rushes.'I only hope the boat won't tipple over!' she said to herself.'Oh, WHAT a lovely one! Only I couldn't quite reach it.' 'And itcertainly DID seem a little provoking ('almost as if it happenedon purpose,' she thought) that, though she managed to pick plentyof beautiful rushes as the boat glided by, there was always amore lovely one that she couldn't reach.'The prettiest are always further!' she said at last, with asigh at the obstinacy of the rushes in growing so far off, as,with flushed cheeks and dripping hair and hands, she scrambledback into her place, and began to arrange her new-found treasures.What mattered it to her just then that the rushes had begun tofade, and to lose all their scent and beauty, from the verymoment that she picked them? Even real scented rushes, you know,last only a very little while--and these, being dream-rushes,melted away almost like snow, as they lay in heaps at her feet--but Alice hardly noticed this, there were so many other curiousthings to think about.They hadn't gone much farther before the blade of one of theoars got fast in the water and WOULDN'T come out again (so Aliceexplained it afterwards), and the consequence was that the handleof it caught her under the chin, and, in spite of a series oflittle shrieks of 'Oh, oh, oh!' from poor Alice, it swept herstraight off the seat, and down among the heap of rushes.However, she wasn't hurt, and was soon up again: the Sheepwent on with her knitting all the while, just as if nothing hadhappened. 'That was a nice crab you caught!' she remarked, asAlice got back into her place, very much relieved to find herselfstill in the boat.'Was it? I didn't see it,' Said Alice, peeping cautiously overthe side of the boat into the dark water. 'I wish it hadn't letgo--I should so like to see a little crab to take home withme!' But the Sheep only laughed scornfully, and went on with herknitting.'Are there many crabs here?' said Alice.'Crabs, and all sorts of things,' said the Sheep: 'plenty ofchoice, only make up your mind. Now, what DO you want to buy?''To buy!' Alice echoed in a tone that was half astonished andhalf frightened--for the oars, and the boat, and the river,had vanished all in a moment, and she was back again in thelittle dark shop.'I should like to buy an egg, please,' she said timidly. 'Howdo you sell them?''Fivepence farthing for one--Twopence for two,' the Sheepreplied.'Then two are cheaper than one?' Alice said in a surprisedtone, taking out her purse.'Only you MUST eat them both, if you buy two,' said the Sheep.'Then I'll have ONE, please,' said Alice, as she put the moneydown on the counter. For she thought to herself, 'They mightn'tbe at all nice, you know.'The Sheep took the money, and put it away in a box: then shesaid 'I never put things into people's hands--that would neverdo--you must get it for yourself.' And so saying, she went offto the other end of the shop, and set the egg upright on a shelf.'I wonder WHY it wouldn't do?' thought Alice, as she groped herway among the tables and chairs, for the shop was very darktowards the end. 'The egg seems to get further away the more Iwalk towards it. Let me see, is this a chair? Why, it's gotbranches, I declare! How very odd to find trees growing here!And actually here's a little brook! Well, this is the veryqueerest shop I ever saw!' * * * * * * * So she went on, wondering more and more at every step, aseverything turned into a tree the moment she came up to it, andshe quite expected the egg to do the same.