Ch. 6: Humpty Dumpty

by Lewis Carroll

　　However, the egg only got larger and larger, and more and more human: when she had come within a few yards of it, she saw that it had eyes and a nose and mouth; and when she had come close to it, she saw clearly that it was HUMPTY DUMPTY himself. 'It can't be anybody else!' she said to herself. 'I'm as certain of it, as if his name were written all over his face.'It might have been written a hundred times, easily, on thatenormous face. Humpty Dumpty was sitting with his legs crossed,like a Turk, on the top of a high wall--such a narrow one thatAlice quite wondered how he could keep his balance--and, as hiseyes were steadily fixed in the opposite direction, and he didn'ttake the least notice of her, she thought he must be a stuffedfigure after all.'And how exactly like an egg he is!' she said aloud, standingwith her hands ready to catch him, for she was every momentexpecting him to fall.'It's VERY provoking,' Humpty Dumpty said after a long silence,looking away from Alice as he spoke, 'to be called an egg--VERY!''I said you LOOKED like an egg, Sir,' Alice gently explained.'And some eggs are very pretty, you know' she added, hoping toturn her remark into a sort of a compliment.'Some people,' said Humpty Dumpty, looking away from her asusual, 'have no more sense than a baby!'Alice didn't know what to say to this: it wasn't at all likeconversation, she thought, as he never said anything to HER; infact, his last remark was evidently addressed to a tree--so shestood and softly repeated to herself:--

　　'Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall: Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the King's horses and all the King's men Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty in his place again.' 'That last line is much too long for the poetry,' she added,almost out loud, forgetting that Humpty Dumpty would hear her.'Don't stand there chattering to yourself like that,' HumptyDumpty said, looking at her for the first time, 'but tell me yourname and your business.''My NAME is Alice, but--''It's a stupid enough name!' Humpty Dumpty interrupted impatiently.'What does it mean?''MUST a name mean something?' Alice asked doubtfully.'Of course it must,' Humpty Dumpty said with a short laugh:'MY name means the shape I am--and a good handsome shape it is,too. With a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost.''Why do you sit out here all alone?' said Alice, not wishingto begin an argument.'Why, because there's nobody with me!' cried Humpty Dumpty.'Did you think I didn't know the answer to THAT? Ask another.''Don't you think you'd be safer down on the ground?' Alice wenton, not with any idea of making another riddle, but simply in hergood-natured anxiety for the queer creature. 'That wall is soVERY narrow!''What tremendously easy riddles you ask!' Humpty Dumpty growledout. 'Of course I don't think so! Why, if ever I DID fall off--which there's no chance of--but IF I did--' Here he pursedhis lips and looked so solemn and grand that Alice could hardlyhelp laughing. 'IF I did fall,' he went on, 'THE KING HASPROMISED ME--WITH HIS VERY OWN MOUTH--to--to--''To send all his horses and all his men,' Alice interrupted,rather unwisely.'Now I declare that's too bad!' Humpty Dumpty cried, breaking intoa sudden passion. 'You've been listening at doors--and behind trees--and down chimneys--or you couldn't have known it!''I haven't, indeed!' Alice said very gently. 'It's in a book.''Ah, well! They may write such things in a BOOK,' HumptyDumpty said in a calmer tone. 'That's what you call a History ofEngland, that is. Now, take a good look at me! I'm one that hasspoken to a King, I am: mayhap you'll never see such another:and to show you I'm not proud, you may shake hands with me!' Andhe grinned almost from ear to ear, as he leant forwards (and asnearly as possible fell off the wall in doing so) and offeredAlice his hand. She watched him a little anxiously as she tookit. 'If he smiled much more, the ends of his mouth might meetbehind,' she thought: 'and then I don't know what would happento his head! I'm afraid it would come off!''Yes, all his horses and all his men,' Humpty Dumpty went on.'They'd pick me up again in a minute, THEY would! However, thisconversation is going on a little too fast: let's go back to thelast remark but one.''I'm afraid I can't quite remember it,' Alice said verypolitely.'In that case we start fresh,' said Humpty Dumpty, 'and it's myturn to choose a subject--' ('He talks about it just as if itwas a game!' thought Alice.) 'So here's a question for you. Howold did you say you were?'Alice made a short calculation, and said 'Seven years and sixmonths.''Wrong!' Humpty Dumpty exclaimed triumphantly. 'You neversaid a word like it!''I though you meant "How old ARE you?"' Alice explained.'If I'd meant that, I'd have said it,' said Humpty Dumpty.Alice didn't want to begin another argument, so she saidnothing.'Seven years and six months!' Humpty Dumpty repeatedthoughtfully. 'An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd askedMY advice, I'd have said "Leave off at seven"--but it's toolate now.''I never ask advice about growing,' Alice said indignantly.'Too proud?' the other inquired.Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. 'I mean,'she said, 'that one can't help growing older.''ONE can't, perhaps,' said Humpty Dumpty, 'but TWO can. Withproper assistance, you might have left off at seven.''What a beautiful belt you've got on!' Alice suddenly remarked.(They had had quite enough of the subject of age, she thought:and if they really were to take turns in choosing subjects, itwas her turn now.) 'At least,' she corrected herself on secondthoughts, 'a beautiful cravat, I should have said--no, a belt,I mean--I beg your pardon!' she added in dismay, for HumptyDumpty looked thoroughly offended, and she began to wish shehadn't chosen that subject. 'If I only knew,' she thought toherself, 'which was neck and which was waist!'Evidently Humpty Dumpty was very angry, though he said nothingfor a minute or two. When he DID speak again, it was in a deepgrowl.'It is a--MOST--PROVOKING--thing,' he said at last, 'whena person doesn't know a cravat from a belt!''I know it's very ignorant of me,' Alice said, in so humble atone that Humpty Dumpty relented.'It's a cravat, child, and a beautiful one, as you say. It's apresent from the White King and Queen. There now!''Is it really?' said Alice, quite pleased to find that she HADchosen a good subject, after all.'They gave it me,' Humpty Dumpty continued thoughtfully, as hecrossed one knee over the other and clasped his hands round it,'they gave it me--for an un-birthday present.''I beg your pardon?' Alice said with a puzzled air.'I'm not offended,' said Humpty Dumpty.'I mean, what IS an un-birthday present?''A present given when it isn't your birthday, of course.'Alice considered a little. 'I like birthday presents best,'she said at last.'You don't know what you're talking about!' cried HumptyDumpty. 'How many days are there in a year?''Three hundred and sixty-five,' said Alice.'And how many birthdays have you?''One.''And if you take one from three hundred and sixty-five, whatremains?''Three hundred and sixty-four, of course.'Humpty Dumpty looked doubtful. 'I'd rather see that done onpaper,' he said.Alice couldn't help smiling as she took out her memorandum-book, and worked the sum for him: 365 1 ___ 364 ___ Humpty Dumpty took the book, and looked at it carefully. 'Thatseems to be done right--' he began.'You're holding it upside down!' Alice interrupted.'To be sure I was!' Humpty Dumpty said gaily, as she turned itround for him. 'I thought it looked a little queer. As I wassaying, that SEEMS to be done right--though I haven't time tolook it over thoroughly just now--and that shows that there arethree hundred and sixty-four days when you might get un-birthdaypresents--''Certainly,' said Alice.'And only ONE for birthday presents, you know. There's gloryfor you!''I don't know what you mean by "glory,"' Alice said.Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. 'Of course you don't--till I tell you. I meant "there's a nice knock-down argument foryou!"''But "glory" doesn't mean "a nice knock-down argument,"' Aliceobjected.'When I use a word,' Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornfultone, 'it means just what I choose it to mean--neither more norless.''The question is,' said Alice, 'whether you CAN make words meanso many different things.''The question is,' said Humpty Dumpty, 'which is to be master--that's all.'Alice was too much puzzled to say anything, so after a minuteHumpty Dumpty began again. 'They've a temper, some of them--particularly verbs, they're the proudest--adjectives you can doanything with, but not verbs--however, I can manage the wholelot of them! Impenetrability! That's what I say!''Would you tell me, please,' said Alice 'what that means?''Now you talk like a reasonable child,' said Humpty Dumpty,looking very much pleased. 'I meant by "impenetrability" thatwe've had enough of that subject, and it would be just as wellif you'd mention what you mean to do next, as I suppose you don'tmean to stop here all the rest of your life.''That's a great deal to make one word mean,' Alice said in athoughtful tone.'When I make a word do a lot of work like that,' said HumptyDumpty, 'I always pay it extra.''Oh!' said Alice. She was too much puzzled to make any otherremark.'Ah, you should see 'em come round me of a Saturday night,'Humpty Dumpty went on, wagging his head gravely from side toside: 'for to get their wages, you know.'(Alice didn't venture to ask what he paid them with; and so yousee I can't tell YOU.)'You seem very clever at explaining words, Sir,' said Alice.'Would you kindly tell me the meaning of the poem called"Jabberwocky"?''Let's hear it,' said Humpty Dumpty. 'I can explain all thepoems that were ever invented--and a good many that haven'tbeen invented just yet.'This sounded very hopeful, so Alice repeated the first verse:

　　'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe. 'That's enough to begin with,' Humpty Dumpty interrupted:'there are plenty of hard words there. "BRILLIG" means fouro'clock in the afternoon--the time when you begin BROILINGthings for dinner.''That'll do very well,' said Alice: 'and "SLITHY"?''Well, "SLITHY" means "lithe and slimy." "Lithe" is the sameas "active." You see it's like a portmanteau--there are twomeanings packed up into one word.''I see it now,' Alice remarked thoughtfully: 'and what are"TOVES"?''Well, "TOVES" are something like badgers--they're somethinglike lizards--and they're something like corkscrews.''They must be very curious looking creatures.''They are that,' said Humpty Dumpty: 'also they make theirnests under sun-dials--also they live on cheese.''And what's the "GYRE" and to "GIMBLE"?''To "GYRE" is to go round and round like a gyroscope. To"GIMBLE" is to make holes like a gimlet.''And "THE WABE" is the grass-plot round a sun-dial, I suppose?'said Alice, surprised at her own ingenuity.'Of course it is. It's called "WABE," you know, because itgoes a long way before it, and a long way behind it--''And a long way beyond it on each side,' Alice added.'Exactly so. Well, then, "MIMSY" is "flimsy and miserable"(there's another portmanteau for you). And a "BOROGOVE" is athin shabby-looking bird with its feathers sticking out all round--something like a live mop.''And then "MOME RATHS"?' said Alice. 'I'm afraid I'm givingyou a great deal of trouble.''Well, a "RATH" is a sort of green pig: but "MOME" I'm notcertain about. I think it's short for "from home"--meaningthat they'd lost their way, you know.''And what does "OUTGRABE" mean?''Well, "OUTGRABING" is something between bellowing andwhistling, with a kind of sneeze in the middle: however, you'llhear it done, maybe--down in the wood yonder--and when you'veonce heard it you'll be QUITE content. Who's been repeating allthat hard stuff to you?''I read it in a book,' said Alice. 'But I had some poetryrepeated to me, much easier than that, by--Tweedledee, I thinkit was.''As to poetry, you know,' said Humpty Dumpty, stretching outone of his great hands, 'I can repeat poetry as well as otherfolk, if it comes to that--''Oh, it needn't come to that!' Alice hastily said, hoping tokeep him from beginning.'The piece I'm going to repeat,' he went on without noticingher remark, 'was written entirely for your amusement.'Alice felt that in that case she really OUGHT to listen to it,so she sat down, and said 'Thank you' rather sadly.

　　'In winter, when the fields are white, I sing this song for your delight-- only I don't sing it,' he added, as an explanation.'I see you don't,' said Alice.'If you can SEE whether I'm singing or not, you've sharper eyesthan most.' Humpty Dumpty remarked severely. Alice was silent.

　　'In spring, when woods are getting green, I'll try and tell you what I mean.' 'Thank you very much,' said Alice.

　　'In summer, when the days are long, Perhaps you'll understand the song: In autumn, when the leaves are brown, Take pen and ink, and write it down.' 'I will, if I can remember it so long,' said Alice.'You needn't go on making remarks like that,' Humpty Dumptysaid: 'they're not sensible, and they put me out.'

　　'I sent a message to the fish: I told them "This is what I wish." The little fishes of the sea, They sent an answer back to me. The little fishes' answer was "We cannot do it, Sir, because--"' 'I'm afraid I don't quite understand,' said Alice.'It gets easier further on,' Humpty Dumpty replied.

　　'I sent to them again to say "It will be better to obey." The fishes answered with a grin, "Why, what a temper you are in!" I told them once, I told them twice: They would not listen to advice. I took a kettle large and new, Fit for the deed I had to do. My heart went hop, my heart went thump; I filled the kettle at the pump. Then some one came to me and said, "The little fishes are in bed." I said to him, I said it plain, "Then you must wake them up again." I said it very loud and clear; I went and shouted in his ear.' Humpty Dumpty raised his voice almost to a scream as herepeated this verse, and Alice thought with a shudder, 'Iwouldn't have been the messenger for ANYTHING!'

　　'But he was very stiff and proud; He said "You needn't shout so loud!" And he was very proud and stiff; He said "I'd go and wake them, if--" I took a corkscrew from the shelf: I went to wake them up myself. And when I found the door was locked, I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked. And when I found the door was shut, I tried to turn the handle, but--' There was a long pause.'Is that all?' Alice timidly asked.'That's all,' said Humpty Dumpty. 'Good-bye.'This was rather sudden, Alice thought: but, after such a VERYstrong hint that she ought to be going, she felt that it wouldhardly be civil to stay. So she got up, and held out her hand.'Good-bye, till we meet again!' she said as cheerfully as shecould.'I shouldn't know you again if we DID meet,' Humpty Dumptyreplied in a discontented tone, giving her one of his fingers toshake; 'you're so exactly like other people.''The face is what one goes by, generally,' Alice remarked in athoughtful tone.'That's just what I complain of,' said Humpty Dumpty. 'Your faceis the same as everybody has--the two eyes, so--' (marking theirplaces in the air with this thumb) 'nose in the middle, mouthunder. It's always the same. Now if you had the two eyes on thesame side of the nose, for instance--or the mouth at the top--thatwould be SOME help.''It wouldn't look nice,' Alice objected. But Humpty Dumptyonly shut his eyes and said 'Wait till you've tried.'Alice waited a minute to see if he would speak again, but as henever opened his eyes or took any further notice of her, she said'Good-bye!' once more, and, getting no answer to this, shequietly walked away: but she couldn't help saying to herself asshe went, 'Of all the unsatisfactory--' (she repeated thisaloud, as it was a great comfort to have such a long word to say)'of all the unsatisfactory people I EVER met--' She neverfinished the sentence, for at this moment a heavy crash shook theforest from end to end.