Ch. 8: 'It's my own Invention'

by Lewis Carroll

　　After a while the noise seemed gradually to die away, till allwas dead silence, and Alice lifted up her head in some alarm.There was no one to be seen, and her first thought was that shemust have been dreaming about the Lion and the Unicorn and thosequeer Anglo-Saxon Messengers. However, there was the great dishstill lying at her feet, on which she had tried to cut the plum-cake, 'So I wasn't dreaming, after all,' she said to herself,'unless--unless we're all part of the same dream. Only I dohope it's MY dream, and not the Red King's! I don't likebelonging to another person's dream,' she went on in a rathercomplaining tone: 'I've a great mind to go and wake him, and seewhat happens!'At this moment her thoughts were interrupted by a loud shoutingof 'Ahoy! Ahoy! Check!' and a Knight dressed in crimson armourcame galloping down upon her, brandishing a great club. Just ashe reached her, the horse stopped suddenly: 'You're myprisoner!' the Knight cried, as he tumbled off his horse.Startled as she was, Alice was more frightened for him than forherself at the moment, and watched him with some anxiety as hemounted again. As soon as he was comfortably in the saddle, hebegan once more 'You're my--' but here another voice broke in'Ahoy! Ahoy! Check!' and Alice looked round in some surprisefor the new enemy.This time it was a White Knight. He drew up at Alice's side,and tumbled off his horse just as the Red Knight had done: thenhe got on again, and the two Knights sat and looked at each otherfor some time without speaking. Alice looked from one to theother in some bewilderment.'She's MY prisoner, you know!' the Red Knight said at last.'Yes, but then I came and rescued her!' the White Knightreplied.'Well, we must fight for her, then,' said the Red Knight, as hetook up his helmet (which hung from the saddle, and was somethingthe shape of a horse's head), and put it on.'You will observe the Rules of Battle, of course?' the WhiteKnight remarked, putting on his helmet too.'I always do,' said the Red Knight, and they began banging awayat each other with such fury that Alice got behind a tree to beout of the way of the blows.'I wonder, now, what the Rules of Battle are,' she said toherself, as she watched the fight, timidly peeping out from herhiding-place: 'one Rule seems to be, that if one Knight hits theother, he knocks him off his horse, and if he misses, he tumblesoff himself--and another Rule seems to be that they hold theirclubs with their arms, as if they were Punch and Judy--What anoise they make when they tumble! Just like a whole set of fire-irons falling into the fender! And how quiet the horses are!They let them get on and off them just as if they were tables!'Another Rule of Battle, that Alice had not noticed, seemed tobe that they always fell on their heads, and the battle endedwith their both falling off in this way, side by side: when theygot up again, they shook hands, and then the Red Knight mountedand galloped off.'It was a glorious victory, wasn't it?' said the White Knight,as he came up panting.'I don't know,' Alice said doubtfully. 'I don't want to beanybody's prisoner. I want to be a Queen.''So you will, when you've crossed the next brook,' said theWhite Knight. 'I'll see you safe to the end of the wood--andthen I must go back, you know. That's the end of my move.''Thank you very much,' said Alice. 'May I help you off withyour helmet?' It was evidently more than he could manage byhimself; however, she managed to shake him out of it at last.'Now one can breathe more easily,' said the Knight, puttingback his shaggy hair with both hands, and turning his gentle faceand large mild eyes to Alice. She thought she had never seensuch a strange-looking soldier in all her life.He was dressed in tin armour, which seemed to fit him verybadly, and he had a queer-shaped little deal box fastened acrosshis shoulder, upside-down, and with the lid hanging open. Alicelooked at it with great curiosity.'I see you're admiring my little box.' the Knight said in afriendly tone. 'It's my own invention--to keep clothes andsandwiches in. You see I carry it upside-down, so that the raincan't get in.''But the things can get OUT,' Alice gently remarked. 'Do youknow the lid's open?''I didn't know it,' the Knight said, a shade of vexationpassing over his face. 'Then all the things must have fallenout! And the box is no use without them.' He unfastened it ashe spoke, and was just going to throw it into the bushes,when a sudden thought seemed to strike him, and he hung it carefullyon a tree. 'Can you guess why I did that?' he said to Alice.Alice shook her head.'In hopes some bees may make a nest in it--then I should get the honey.''But you've got a bee-hive--or something like one--fastened tothe saddle,' said Alice.'Yes, it's a very good bee-hive,' the Knight said in adiscontented tone, 'one of the best kind. But not a single beehas come near it yet. And the other thing is a mouse-trap. Isuppose the mice keep the bees out--or the bees keep the miceout, I don't know which.''I was wondering what the mouse-trap was for,' said Alice. 'Itisn't very likely there would be any mice on the horse's back.''Not very likely, perhaps,' said the Knight: 'but if they DOcome, I don't choose to have them running all about.''You see,' he went on after a pause, 'it's as well to beprovided for EVERYTHING. That's the reason the horse has allthose anklets round his feet.''But what are they for?' Alice asked in a tone of greatcuriosity.'To guard against the bites of sharks,' the Knight replied.'It's an invention of my own. And now help me on. I'll go withyou to the end of the wood--What's the dish for?''It's meant for plum-cake,' said Alice.'We'd better take it with us,' the Knight said. 'It'll come inhandy if we find any plum-cake. Help me to get it into this bag.'This took a very long time to manage, though Alice held thebag open very carefully, because the Knight was so VERY awkwardin putting in the dish: the first two or three times that hetried he fell in himself instead. 'It's rather a tight fit, yousee,' he said, as they got it in a last; 'There are so manycandlesticks in the bag.' And he hung it to the saddle, whichwas already loaded with bunches of carrots, and fire-irons, andmany other things.'I hope you've got your hair well fastened on?' he continued,as they set off.'Only in the usual way,' Alice said, smiling.'That's hardly enough,' he said, anxiously. 'You see the windis so VERY strong here. It's as strong as soup.''Have you invented a plan for keeping the hair from being blownoff?' Alice enquired.'Not yet,' said the Knight. 'But I've got a plan for keepingit from FALLING off.''I should like to hear it, very much.''First you take an upright stick,' said the Knight. 'Then youmake your hair creep up it, like a fruit-tree. Now the reasonhair falls off is because it hangs DOWN--things never fallUPWARDS, you know. It's a plan of my own invention. You may tryit if you like.'It didn't sound a comfortable plan, Alice thought, and for afew minutes she walked on in silence, puzzling over the idea, andevery now and then stopping to help the poor Knight, whocertainly was NOT a good rider.Whenever the horse stopped (which it did very often), he felloff in front; and whenever it went on again (which it generallydid rather suddenly), he fell off behind. Otherwise he kept onpretty well, except that he had a habit of now and then fallingoff sideways; and as he generally did this on the side on whichAlice was walking, she soon found that it was the best plan notto walk QUITE close to the horse.'I'm afraid you've not had much practice in riding,' sheventured to say, as she was helping him up from his fifth tumble.The Knight looked very much surprised, and a little offended atthe remark. 'What makes you say that?' he asked, as he scrambledback into the saddle, keeping hold of Alice's hair with one hand,to save himself from falling over on the other side.'Because people don't fall off quite so often, when they've hadmuch practice.''I've had plenty of practice,' the Knight said very gravely:'plenty of practice!'Alice could think of nothing better to say than 'Indeed?' butshe said it as heartily as she could. They went on a little wayin silence after this, the Knight with his eyes shut, mutteringto himself, and Alice watching anxiously for the next tumble.'The great art of riding,' the Knight suddenly began in a loudvoice, waving his right arm as he spoke, 'is to keep--' Herethe sentence ended as suddenly as it had begun, as the Knightfell heavily on the top of his head exactly in the path whereAlice was walking. She was quite frightened this time, and saidin an anxious tone, as she picked him up, 'I hope no bones are broken?''None to speak of,' the Knight said, as if he didn't mind breakingtwo or three of them. 'The great art of riding, as I was saying,is--to keep your balance properly. Like this, you know--'He let go the bridle, and stretched out both his arms to showAlice what he meant, and this time he fell flat on his back,right under the horse's feet.'Plenty of practice!' he went on repeating, all the time thatAlice was getting him on his feet again. 'Plenty of practice!''It's too ridiculous!' cried Alice, losing all her patience this time.'You ought to have a wooden horse on wheels, that you ought!''Does that kind go smoothly?' the Knight asked in a tone ofgreat interest, clasping his arms round the horse's neck as hespoke, just in time to save himself from tumbling off again.'Much more smoothly than a live horse,' Alice said, with a littlescream of laughter, in spite of all she could do to prevent it.'I'll get one,' the Knight said thoughtfully to himself. 'Oneor two--several.'There was a short silence after this, and then the Knight wenton again. 'I'm a great hand at inventing things. Now, I daresayyou noticed, that last time you picked me up, that I was lookingrather thoughtful?''You WERE a little grave,' said Alice.'Well, just then I was inventing a new way of getting over agate--would you like to hear it?''Very much indeed,' Alice said politely.'I'll tell you how I came to think of it,' said the Knight.'You see, I said to myself, "The only difficulty is with thefeet: the HEAD is high enough already." Now, first I put myhead on the top of the gate--then I stand on my head--thenthe feet are high enough, you see--then I'm over, you see.''Yes, I suppose you'd be over when that was done,' Alice saidthoughtfully: 'but don't you think it would be rather hard?''I haven't tried it yet,' the Knight said, gravely: 'so I can't tellfor certain--but I'm afraid it WOULD be a little hard.'He looked so vexed at the idea, that Alice changed the subjecthastily. 'What a curious helmet you've got!' she said cheerfully.'Is that your invention too?'The Knight looked down proudly at his helmet, which hung fromthe saddle. 'Yes,' he said, 'but I've invented a better one thanthat--like a sugar loaf. When I used to wear it, if I fell offthe horse, it always touched the ground directly. So I had aVERY little way to fall, you see--But there WAS the danger offalling INTO it, to be sure. That happened to me once--and theworst of it was, before I could get out again, the other WhiteKnight came and put it on. He thought it was his own helmet.'The knight looked so solemn about it that Alice did not dare tolaugh. 'I'm afraid you must have hurt him,' she said in atrembling voice, 'being on the top of his head.''I had to kick him, of course,' the Knight said, very seriously.'And then he took the helmet off again--but it took hours and hoursto get me out. I was as fast as--as lightning, you know.''But that's a different kind of fastness,' Alice objected.The Knight shook his head. 'It was all kinds of fastness withme, I can assure you!' he said. He raised his hands in someexcitement as he said this, and instantly rolled out of thesaddle, and fell headlong into a deep ditch.Alice ran to the side of the ditch to look for him. She wasrather startled by the fall, as for some time he had kept on verywell, and she was afraid that he really WAS hurt this time.However, though she could see nothing but the soles of his feet,she was much relieved to hear that he was talking on in his usualtone. 'All kinds of fastness,' he repeated: 'but it wascareless of him to put another man's helmet on--with the man init, too.''How CAN you go on talking so quietly, head downwards?' Aliceasked, as she dragged him out by the feet, and laid him in a heapon the bank.The Knight looked surprised at the question. 'What does itmatter where my body happens to be?' he said. 'My mind goes onworking all the same. In fact, the more head downwards I am, themore I keep inventing new things.''Now the cleverest thing of the sort that I ever did,' he wenton after a pause, 'was inventing a new pudding during the meat-course.''In time to have it cooked for the next course?' said Alice.'Well, not the NEXT course,' the Knight said in a slow thoughtfultone: 'no, certainly not the next COURSE.''Then it would have to be the next day. I suppose you wouldn'thave two pudding-courses in one dinner?''Well, not the NEXT day,' the Knight repeated as before: 'notthe next DAY. In fact,' he went on, holding his head down, andhis voice getting lower and lower, 'I don't believe that puddingever WAS cooked! In fact, I don't believe that pudding ever WILLbe cooked! And yet it was a very clever pudding to invent.''What did you mean it to be made of?' Alice asked, hoping tocheer him up, for the poor Knight seemed quite low-spirited about it.'It began with blotting paper,' the Knight answered with a groan.'That wouldn't be very nice, I'm afraid--''Not very nice ALONE,' he interrupted, quite eagerly: 'butyou've no idea what a difference it makes mixing it with otherthings--such as gunpowder and sealing-wax. And here I mustleave you.' They had just come to the end of the wood.Alice could only look puzzled: she was thinking of the pudding.'You are sad,' the Knight said in an anxious tone: 'let me singyou a song to comfort you.''Is it very long?' Alice asked, for she had heard a good dealof poetry that day.'It's long,' said the Knight, 'but very, VERY beautiful.Everybody that hears me sing it--either it brings the TEARSinto their eyes, or else--''Or else what?' said Alice, for the Knight had made a suddenpause.'Or else it doesn't, you know. The name of the song is called"HADDOCKS' EYES."''Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?' Alice said, trying tofeel interested.'No, you don't understand,' the Knight said, looking a littlevexed. 'That's what the name is CALLED. The name really IS "THEAGED AGED MAN."''Then I ought to have said "That's what the SONG is called"?'Alice corrected herself.'No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The SONG iscalled "WAYS AND MEANS": but that's only what it's CALLED, youknow!''Well, what IS the song, then?' said Alice, who was by thistime completely bewildered.'I was coming to that,' the Knight said. 'The song really IS"A-SITTING ON A GATE": and the tune's my own invention.'So saying, he stopped his horse and let the reins fall on itsneck: then, slowly beating time with one hand, and with a faintsmile lighting up his gentle foolish face, as if he enjoyed themusic of his song, he began.Of all the strange things that Alice saw in her journey ThroughThe Looking-Glass, this was the one that she always rememberedmost clearly. Years afterwards she could bring the whole sceneback again, as if it had been only yesterday--the mild blueeyes and kindly smile of the Knight--the setting sun gleamingthrough his hair, and shining on his armour in a blaze of lightthat quite dazzled her--the horse quietly moving about, withthe reins hanging loose on his neck, cropping the grass at herfeet--and the black shadows of the forest behind--all thisshe took in like a picture, as, with one hand shading her eyes,she leant against a tree, watching the strange pair, andlistening, in a half dream, to the melancholy music of the song.'But the tune ISN'T his own invention,' she said to herself:'it's "I GIVE THEE ALL, I CAN NO MORE."' She stood and listenedvery attentively, but no tears came into her eyes.

　　'I'll tell thee everything I can; There's little to relate. I saw an aged aged man, A-sitting on a gate. "Who are you, aged man?" I said, "and how is it you live?" And his answer trickled through my head Like water through a sieve. He said "I look for butterflies That sleep among the wheat: I make them into mutton-pies, And sell them in the street. I sell them unto men," he said, "Who sail on stormy seas; And that's the way I get my bread-- A trifle, if you please." But I was thinking of a plan To dye one's whiskers green, And always use so large a fan That they could not be seen. So, having no reply to give To what the old man said, I cried, "Come, tell me how you live!" And thumped him on the head. His accents mild took up the tale: He said "I go my ways, And when I find a mountain-rill, I set it in a blaze; And thence they make a stuff they call Rolands' Macassar Oil-- Yet twopence-halfpenny is all They give me for my toil." But I was thinking of a way To feed oneself on batter, And so go on from day to day Getting a little fatter. I shook him well from side to side, Until his face was blue: "Come, tell me how you live," I cried, "And what it is you do!" He said "I hunt for haddocks' eyes Among the heather bright, And work them into waistcoat-buttons In the silent night. And these I do not sell for gold Or coin of silvery shine But for a copper halfpenny, And that will purchase nine. "I sometimes dig for buttered rolls, Or set limed twigs for crabs; I sometimes search the grassy knolls For wheels of Hansom-cabs. And that's the way" (he gave a wink) "By which I get my wealth-- And very gladly will I drink Your Honour's noble health." I heard him then, for I had just Completed my design To keep the Menai bridge from rust By boiling it in wine. I thanked him much for telling me The way he got his wealth, But chiefly for his wish that he Might drink my noble health. And now, if e'er by chance I put My fingers into glue Or madly squeeze a right-hand foot Into a left-hand shoe, Or if I drop upon my toe A very heavy weight, I weep, for it reminds me so, Of that old man I used to know-- Whose look was mild, whose speech was slow, Whose hair was whiter than the snow, Whose face was very like a crow, With eyes, like cinders, all aglow, Who seemed distracted with his woe, Who rocked his body to and fro, And muttered mumblingly and low, As if his mouth were full of dough, Who snorted like a buffalo-- That summer evening, long ago, A-sitting on a gate.' As the Knight sang the last words of the ballad, he gathered upthe reins, and turned his horse's head along the road by whichthey had come. 'You've only a few yards to go,' he said, 'downthe hill and over that little brook, and then you'll be a Queen--But you'll stay and see me off first?' he added as Alice turnedwith an eager look in the direction to which he pointed. 'Ishan't be long. You'll wait and wave your handkerchief when Iget to that turn in the road? I think it'll encourage me, yousee.''Of course I'll wait,' said Alice: 'and thank you very muchfor coming so far--and for the song--I liked it very much.''I hope so,' the Knight said doubtfully: 'but you didn't cryso much as I thought you would.'So they shook hands, and then the Knight rode slowly away intothe forest. 'It won't take long to see him OFF, I expect,'Alice said to herself, as she stood watching him. 'There hegoes! Right on his head as usual! However, he gets on againpretty easily--that comes of having so many things hung roundthe horse--' So she went on talking to herself, as she watchedthe horse walking leisurely along the road, and the Knighttumbling off, first on one side and then on the other. After thefourth or fifth tumble he reached the turn, and then she wavedher handkerchief to him, and waited till he was out of sight.'I hope it encouraged him,' she said, as she turned to rundown the hill: 'and now for the last brook, and to be a Queen!How grand it sounds!' A very few steps brought her to the edge ofthe brook. 'The Eighth Square at last!' she cried as she bounded across,

　　* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * and threw herself down to rest on a lawn as soft as moss, with littleflower-beds dotted about it here and there. 'Oh, how glad I amto get here! And what IS this on my head?' she exclaimed in a toneof dismay, as she put her hands up to something very heavy,and fitted tight all round her head.'But how CAN it have got there without my knowing it?' she saidto herself, as she lifted it off, and set it on her lap to makeout what it could possibly be.It was a golden crown.