Chapter IX: Family Portraits

by William Makepeace Thackeray

　　Sir Pitt Crawley was a philosopher with a taste for what iscalled low life. His first marriage with the daughter ofthe noble Binkie had been made under the auspices ofhis parents; and as he often told Lady Crawley in herlifetime she was such a confounded quarrelsome high-bredjade that when she died he was hanged if he would ever takeanother of her sort, at her ladyship's demise he kept hispromise, and selected for a second wife Miss Rose Dawson,daughter of Mr. John Thomas Dawson, ironmonger, of Mudbury.What a happy woman was Rose to be my Lady Crawley!

　　Let us set down the items of her happiness. In thefirst place, she gave up Peter Butt, a young man whokept company with her, and in consequence of hisdisappointment in love, took to smuggling, poaching, and athousand other bad courses. Then she quarrelled, as induty bound, with all the friends and intimates of her youth,who, of course, could not be received by my Lady atQueen's Crawley--nor did she find in her new rank andabode any persons who were willing to welcome her.Who ever did? Sir Huddleston Fuddleston had threedaughters who all hoped to be Lady Crawley. Sir GilesWapshot's family were insulted that one of the Wapshotgirls had not the preference in the marriage, and theremaining baronets of the county were indignant at theircomrade's misalliance. Never mind the commoners, whomwe will leave to grumble anonymously.

　　Sir Pitt did not care, as he said, a brass farden forany one of them. He had his pretty Rose, and whatmore need a man require than to please himself? So heused to get drunk every night: to beat his pretty Rosesometimes: to leave her in Hampshire when he went toLondon for the parliamentary session, without a singlefriend in the wide world. Even Mrs. Bute Crawley, theRector's wife, refused to visit her, as she said she wouldnever give the pas to a tradesman's daughter.

　　As the only endowments with which Nature had giftedLady Crawley were those of pink cheeks and a whiteskin, and as she had no sort of character, nor talents,nor opinions, nor occupations, nor amusements, nor thatvigour of soul and ferocity of temper which often fallsto the lot of entirely foolish women, her hold upon SirPitt's affections was not very great. Her roses faded outof her cheeks, and the pretty freshness left her figureafter the birth of a couple of children, and she becamea mere machine in her husband's house of no more usethan the late Lady Crawley's grand piano. Being a light-complexioned woman, she wore light clothes, as mostblondes will, and appeared, in preference, in draggled sea-green, or slatternly sky-blue. She worked that worstedday and night, or other pieces like it. She hadcounterpanes in the course of a few years to all the beds inCrawley. She had a small flower-garden, for which shehad rather an affection; but beyond this no other likeor disliking. When her husband was rude to her she wasapathetic: whenever he struck her she cried. She had notcharacter enough to take to drinking, and moaned about,slipshod and in curl-papers all day. 0 Vanity Fair--Vanity Fair! This might have been, but for you, a cheerylass--Peter Butt and Rose a happy man and wife, in asnug farm, with a hearty family; and an honest portionof pleasures, cares, hopes and struggles--but a title anda coach and four are toys more precious than happinessin Vanity Fair: and if Harry the Eighth or Bluebeardwere alive now, and wanted a tenth wife, do you supposehe could not get the prettiest girl that shall be presentedthis season?

　　The languid dulness of their mamma did not, as itmay be supposed, awaken much affection in her littledaughters, but they were very happy in the servants' halland in the stables; and the Scotch gardener havingluckily a good wife and some good children, they got alittle wholesome society and instruction in his lodge,which was the only education bestowed upon them untilMiss Sharp came.

　　Her engagement was owing to the remonstrances ofMr. Pitt Crawley, the only friend or protector LadyCrawley ever had, and the only person, besides herchildren, for whom she entertained a little feebleattachment. Mr. Pitt took after the noble Binkies, fromwhom he was descended, and was a very polite and propergentleman. When he grew to man's estate, and cameback from Christchurch, he began to reform theslackened discipline of the hall, in spite of his father, whostood in awe of him. He was a man of such rigidrefinement, that he would have starved rather than havedined without a white neckcloth. Once, when just fromcollege, and when Horrocks the butler brought him aletter without placing it previously on a tray, he gavethat domestic a look, and administered to him a speechso cutting, that Horrocks ever after trembled before him;the whole household bowed to him: Lady Crawley's curl-papers came off earlier when he was at home: Sir Pitt'smuddy gaiters disappeared; and if that incorrigible oldman still adhered to other old habits, he never fuddledhimself with rum-and-water in his son's presence, andonly talked to his servants in a very reserved and politemanner; and those persons remarked that Sir Pitt neverswore at Lady Crawley while his son was in the room.

　　It was he who taught the butler to say, "My lady isserved," and who insisted on handing her ladyship in todinner. He seldom spoke to her, but when he did it waswith the most powerful respect; and he never let herquit the apartment without rising in the most statelymanner to open the door, and making an elegant bowat her egress.

　　At Eton he was called Miss Crawley; and there, Iam sorry to say, his younger brother Rawdon used tolick him violently. But though his parts were notbrilliant, he made up for his lack of talent by meritoriousindustry, and was never known, during eight years atschool, to be subject to that punishment which it isgenerally thought none but a cherub can escape.

　　At college his career was of course highly creditable.And here he prepared himself for public life, into whichhe was to be introduced by the patronage of hisgrandfather, Lord Binkie, by studying the ancient and modernorators with great assiduity, and by speaking unceasinglyat the debating societies. But though he had a fine fluxof words, and delivered his little voice with greatpomposity and pleasure to himself, and never advancedany sentiment or opinion which was not perfectly trite andstale, and supported by a Latin quotation; yet he failedsomehow, in spite of a mediocrity which ought to haveinsured any man a success. He did not even get theprize poem, which all his friends said he was sure of.

　　After leaving college he became Private Secretary toLord Binkie, and was then appointed Attache to theLegation at Pumpernickel, which post he filled withperfect honour, and brought home despatches, consisting ofStrasburg pie, to the Foreign Minister of the day. Afterremaining ten years Attache (several years after thelamented Lord Binkie's demise), and finding theadvancement slow, he at length gave up the diplomaticservice in some disgust, and began to turn country gentleman.

　　He wrote a pamphlet on Malt on returning to England(for he was an ambitious man, and always likedto be before the public), and took a strong part in theNegro Emancipation question. Then he became a friendof Mr. Wilberforce's, whose politics he admired, and hadthat famous correspondence with the Reverend SilasHornblower, on the Ashantee Mission. He was inLondon, if not for the Parliament session, at least in May,for the religious meetings. In the country he was amagistrate, and an active visitor and speaker among thosedestitute of religious instruction. He was said to bepaying his addresses to Lady Jane Sheepshanks, LordSouthdown's third daughter, and whose sister, Lady Emily,wrote those sweet tracts, "The Sailor's True Binnacle,"and "The Applewoman of Finchley Common."

　　Miss Sharp's accounts of his employment at Queen'sCrawley were not caricatures. He subjected the servantsthere to the devotional exercises before mentioned, inwhich (and so much the better) he brought his fatherto join. He patronised an Independent meeting-house inCrawley parish, much to the indignation of his uncle theRector, and to the consequent delight of Sir Pitt, whowas induced to go himself once or twice, which occasionedsome violent sermons at Crawley parish church, directedpoint-blank at the Baronet's old Gothic pew there. HonestSir Pitt, however, did not feel the force of thesediscourses, as he always took his nap during sermon-time.

　　Mr. Crawley was very earnest, for the good of thenation and of the Christian world, that the old gentlemanshould yield him up his place in Parliament; but this theelder constantly refused to do. Both were of course tooprudent to give up the fifteen hundred a year which wasbrought in by the second seat (at this period filled byMr. Quadroon, with carte blanche on the Slave question);indeed the family estate was much embarrassed, and theincome drawn from the borough was of great use to thehouse of Queen's Crawley.

　　It had never recovered the heavy fine imposed uponWalpole Crawley, first baronet, for peculation in the Tapeand Sealing Wax Office. Sir Walpole was a jolly fellow,eager to seize and to spend money (alieni appetens, suiprofusus, as Mr. Crawley would remark with a sigh),and in his day beloved by all the county for theconstant drunkenness and hospitality which was maintainedat Queen's Crawley. The cellars were filled with burgundythen, the kennels with hounds, and the stables withgallant hunters; now, such horses as Queen's Crawleypossessed went to plough, or ran in the Trafalgar Coach;and it was with a team of these very horses, on an off-day, that Miss Sharp was brought to the Hall; for booras he was, Sir Pitt was a stickler for his dignity whileat home, and seldom drove out but with four horses,and though he dined off boiled mutton, had always threefootmen to serve it.

　　If mere parsimony could have made a man rich, SirPitt Crawley might have become very wealthy--if hehad been an attorney in a country town, with no capitalbut his brains, it is very possible that he would haveturned them to good account, and might have achievedfor himself a very considerable influence and competency.But he was unluckily endowed with a good nameand a large though encumbered estate, both of whichwent rather to injure than to advance him. He had ataste for law, which cost him many thousands yearly;and being a great deal too clever to be robbed, as hesaid, by any single agent, allowed his affairs to bemismanaged by a dozen, whom he all equally mistrusted.He was such a sharp landlord, that he could hardly findany but bankrupt tenants; and such a close farmer, asto grudge almost the seed to the ground, whereuponrevengeful Nature grudged him the crops which shegranted to more liberal husbandmen. He speculated inevery possible way; he worked mines; bought canal-shares;horsed coaches; took government contracts, and wasthe busiest man and magistrate of his county. As hewould not pay honest agents at his granite quarry, hehad the satisfaction of finding that four overseers ranaway, and took fortunes with them to America. For wantof proper precautions, his coal-mines filled with water:the government flung his contract of damaged beef uponhis hands: and for his coach-horses, every mail proprietorin the kingdom knew that he lost more horses than anyman in the country, from underfeeding and buying cheap.In disposition he was sociable, and far from being proud;nay, he rather preferred the society of a farmer or ahorse-dealer to that of a gentleman, like my lord, hisson: he was fond of drink, of swearing, of joking withthe farmers' daughters: he was never known to give awaya shilling or to do a good action, but was of a pleasant,sly, laughing mood, and would cut his joke and drinkhis glass with a tenant and sell him up the next day;or have his laugh with the poacher he was transportingwith equal good humour. His politeness for the fair sexhas already been hinted at by Miss Rebecca Sharp--ina word, the whole baronetage, peerage, commonage ofEngland, did not contain a more cunning, mean, selfish,foolish, disreputable old man. That blood-red hand ofSir Pitt Crawley's would be in anybody's pocket excepthis own; and it is with grief and pain, that, as admirersof the British aristocracy, we find ourselves obliged toadmit the existence of so many ill qualities in a personwhose name is in Debrett.

　　One great cause why Mr. Crawley had such a holdover the affections of his father, resulted from moneyarrangements. The Baronet owed his son a sum of moneyout of the jointure of his mother, which he did not findit convenient to pay; indeed he had an almost invinciblerepugnance to paying anybody, and could only be broughtby force to discharge his debts. Miss Sharp calculated(for she became, as we shall hear speedily, inductedinto most of the secrets of the family) that the merepayment of his creditors cost the honourable Baronetseveral hundreds yearly; but this was a delight he couldnot forego; he had a savage pleasure in making the poorwretches wait, and in shifting from court to court andfrom term to term the period of satisfaction. What's thegood of being in Parliament, he said, if you must pay yourdebts? Hence, indeed, his position as a senator was nota little useful to him.

　　Vanity Fair--Vanity Fair! Here was a man, who couldnot spell, and did not care to read--who had the habitsand the cunning of a boor: whose aim in life waspettifogging: who never had a taste, or emotion, orenjoyment, but what was sordid and foul; and yet he hadrank, and honours, and power, somehow: and was adignitary of the land, and a pillar of the state. He washigh sheriff, and rode in a golden coach. Great ministersand statesmen courted him; and in Vanity Fair he had ahigher place than the most brilliant genius or spotlessvirtue.

　　Sir Pitt had an unmarried half-sister who inherited hermother's large fortune, and though the Baronet proposedto borrow this money of her on mortgage, Miss Crawleydeclined the offer, and preferred the security of the funds.She had signified, however, her intention of leaving herinheritance between Sir Pitt's second son and the familyat the Rectory, and had once or twice paid the debts ofRawdon Crawley in his career at college and in the army.Miss Crawley was, in consequence, an object of greatrespect when she came to Queen's Crawley, for she hada balance at her banker's which would have made herbeloved anywhere.

　　What a dignity it gives an old lady, that balance atthe banker's! How tenderly we look at her faults if sheis a relative (and may every reader have a score of such),what a kind good-natured old creature we find her! Howthe junior partner of Hobbs and Dobbs leads her smilingto the carriage with the lozenge upon it, and the fatwheezy coachman! How, when she comes to pay us avisit, we generally find an opportunity to let our friendsknow her station in the world! We say (and with perfecttruth) I wish I had Miss MacWhirter's signature to acheque for five thousand pounds. She wouldn't miss it,says your wife. She is my aunt, say you, in an easycareless way, when your friend asks if Miss MacWhirter isany relative. Your wife is perpetually sending her littletestimonies of affection, your little girls work endlessworsted baskets, cushions, and footstools for her. What agood fire there is in her room when she comes to payyou a visit, although your wife laces her stays withoutone! The house during her stay assumes a festive, neat,warm, jovial, snug appearance not visible at otherseasons. You yourself, dear sir, forget to go to sleep afterdinner, and find yourself all of a sudden (though youinvariably lose) very fond of a rubber. What gooddinners you have--game every day, Malmsey-Madeira, andno end of fish from London. Even the servants in thekitchen share in the general prosperity; and, somehow,during the stay of Miss MacWhirter's fat coachman, thebeer is grown much stronger, and the consumption of teaand sugar in the nursery (where her maid takes hermeals) is not regarded in the least. Is it so, or is it notso? I appeal to the middle classes. Ah, gracious powers!I wish you would send me an old aunt--a maiden aunt--an aunt with a lozenge on her carriage, and a frontof light coffee-coloured hair--how my children shouldwork workbags for her, and my Julia and I would makeher comfortable! Sweet--sweet vision! Foolish--foolishdream!