Chapter LXII: Am Rhein

by William Makepeace Thackeray

　　The above everyday events had occurred, and a fewweeks had passed, when on one fine morning, Parliamentbeing over, the summer advanced, and all the goodcompany in London about to quit that city for their annualtour in search of pleasure or health, the Batavier steamboatleft the Tower-stairs laden with a goodly company of Englishfugitives. The quarter-deck awnings were up, and thebenches and gangways crowded with scores of rosy children,bustling nursemaids; ladies in the prettiest pinkbonnets and summer dresses; gentlemen in travelling capsand linen-jackets, whose mustachios had just begun tosprout for the ensuing tour; and stout trim old veteranswith starched neckcloths and neat-brushed hats, such ashave invaded Europe any time since the conclusion of thewar, and carry the national Goddem into every city ofthe Continent. The congregation of hat-boxes, andBramah desks, and dressing-cases was prodigious. Therewere jaunty young Cambridge-men travelling with theirtutor, and going for a reading excursion to Nonnenwerthor Konigswinter; there were Irish gentlemen, with themost dashing whiskers and jewellery, talking abouthorses incessantly, and prodigiously polite to the youngladies on board, whom, on the contrary, the Cambridgelads and their pale-faced tutor avoided with maidencoyness; there were old Pall Mall loungers bound for Emsand Wiesbaden and a course of waters to clear off thedinners of the season, and a little roulette and trente-et-quarante to keep the excitement going; there was oldMethuselah, who had married his young wife, with CaptainPapillon of the Guards holding her parasol andguide-books; there was young May who was carrying offhis bride on a pleasure tour (Mrs. Winter that was, andwho had been at school with May's grandmother); therewas Sir John and my Lady with a dozen children, andcorresponding nursemaids; and the great grandeeBareacres family that sat by themselves near the wheel,stared at everybody, and spoke to no one. Theircarriages, emblazoned with coronets and heaped withshining imperials, were on the foredeck, locked in with adozen more such vehicles: it was difficult to pass in andout amongst them; and the poor inmates of thefore-cabin had scarcely any space for locomotion. Theseconsisted of a few magnificently attired gentlemen fromHoundsditch, who brought their own provisions, andcould have bought half the gay people in the grandsaloon; a few honest fellows with mustachios and portfolios,who set to sketching before they had been half an houron board; one or two French femmes de chambre whobegan to be dreadfully ill by the time the boat hadpassed Greenwich; a groom or two who lounged in theneighbourhood of the horse-boxes under their charge, orleaned over the side by the paddle-wheels, and talkedabout who was good for the Leger, and what they stoodto win or lose for the Goodwood cup.

　　All the couriers, when they had done plunging aboutthe ship and had settled their various masters in thecabins or on the deck, congregated together and began tochatter and smoke; the Hebrew gentlemen joining themand looking at the carriages. There was Sir John's greatcarriage that would hold thirteen people; my LordMethuselah's carriage, my Lord Bareacres' chariot,britzska, and fourgon, that anybody might pay for who liked.It was a wonder how my Lord got the ready money topay for the expenses of the journey. The Hebrew gentlemenknew how he got it. They knew what money hisLordship had in his pocket at that instant, and whatinterest he paid for it, and who gave it him. Finally therewas a very neat, handsome travelling carriage, aboutwhich the gentlemen speculated.

　　"A qui cette voiture la?" said one gentleman-courierwith a large morocco money-bag and ear-rings to anotherwith ear-rings and a large morocco money-bag.

　　"C'est a Kirsch je bense--je l'ai vu toute a l'heure--qui brenoit des sangviches dans la voiture," said thecourier in a fine German French.

　　Kirsch emerging presently from the neighbourhood ofthe hold, where he had been bellowing instructionsintermingled with polyglot oaths to the ship's men engagedin secreting the passengers' luggage, came to give anaccount of himself to his brother interpreters. Heinformed them that the carriage belonged to a Nabob fromCalcutta and Jamaica enormously rich, and with whomhe was engaged to travel; and at this moment a younggentleman who had been warned off the bridge betweenthe paddle-boxes, and who had dropped thence on to theroof of Lord Methuselah's carriage, from which he madehis way over other carriages and imperials until he hadclambered on to his own, descended thence and throughthe window into the body of the carriage, to the applauseof the couriers looking on.

　　"Nous allons avoir une belle traversee, MonsieurGeorge," said the courier with a grin, as he lifted hisgold-laced cap.

　　"D-- your French," said the young gentleman, "where'sthe biscuits, ay?" Whereupon Kirsch answered him in theEnglish language or in such an imitation of it as he couldcommand--for though he was familiar with all languages,Mr. Kirsch was not acquainted with a single one, andspoke all with indifferent volubility and incorrectness.

　　The imperious young gentleman who gobbled thebiscuits (and indeed it was time to refresh himself, for hehad breakfasted at Richmond full three hours before)was our young friend George Osborne. Uncle Jos and hismamma were on the quarter-deck with a gentleman ofwhom they used to see a good deal, and the four wereabout to make a summer tour.

　　Jos was seated at that moment on deck under theawning, and pretty nearly opposite to the Earl ofBareacres and his family, whose proceedings absorbedthe Bengalee almost entirely. Both the noble couplelooked rather younger than in the eventful year '15, whenJos remembered to have seen them at Brussels (indeed,he always gave out in India that he was intimatelyacquainted with them). Lady Bareacres' hair, which wasthen dark, was now a beautiful golden auburn, whereasLord Bareacres' whiskers, formerly red, were at presentof a rich black with purple and green reflections in thelight. But changed as they were, the movements of thenoble pair occupied Jos's mind entirely. The presence ofa Lord fascinated him, and he could look at nothing else.

　　"Those people seem to interest you a good deal," saidDobbin, laughing and watching him. Amelia too laughed.She was in a straw bonnet with black ribbons, andotherwise dressed in mourning, but the little bustle andholiday of the journey pleased and excited her, and shelooked particularly happy.

　　"What a heavenly day!" Emmy said and added, withgreat originality, "I hope we shall have a calm passage."

　　Jos waved his hand, scornfully glancing at the sametime under his eyelids at the great folks opposite. "If youhad made the voyages we have," he said, "you wouldn'tmuch care about the weather." But nevertheless, travelleras he was, he passed the night direfully sick in hiscarriage, where his courier tended him with brandy-and-water and every luxury.

　　In due time this happy party landed at the quays ofRotterdam, whence they were transported by anothersteamer to the city of Cologne. Here the carriage andthe family took to the shore, and Jos was not a littlegratified to see his arrival announced in the Colognenewspapers as "Herr Graf Lord von Sedley nebstBegleitung aus London." He had his court dress with him;he had insisted that Dobbin should bring his regimentalparaphernalia; he announced that it was his intention tobe presented at some foreign courts, and pay his respectsto the Sovereigns of the countries which he honouredwith a visit.

　　Wherever the party stopped, and an opportunity wasoffered, Mr. Jos left his own card and the Major's upon"Our Minister." It was with great difficulty that he couldbe restrained from putting on his cocked hat and tightsto wait upon the English consul at the Free City ofJudenstadt, when that hospitable functionary asked ourtravellers to dinner. He kept a journal of his voyage andnoted elaborately the defects or excellences of the variousinns at which he put up, and of the wines and dishes ofwhich he partook.

　　As for Emmy, she was very happy and pleased. Dobbinused to carry about for her her stool and sketch-book,and admired the drawings of the good-natured little artistas they never had been admired before. She sat uponsteamers' decks and drew crags and castles, or shemounted upon donkeys and ascended to ancient robber-towers, attended by her two aides-de-camp, Georgy andDobbin. She laughed, and the Major did too, at his drollfigure on donkey-back, with his long legs touching theground. He was the interpreter for the party; having agood military knowledge of the German language, andhe and the delighted George fought the campaigns of theRhine and the Palatinate. In the course of a few weeks,and by assiduously conversing with Herr Kirsch on thebox of the carriage, Georgy made prodigious advance inthe knowledge of High Dutch, and could talk to hotelwaiters and postilions in a way that charmed his motherand amused his guardian.

　　Mr. Jos did not much engage in the afternoonexcursions of his fellow-travellers. He slept a good dealafter dinner, or basked in the arbours of the pleasantinn-gardens. Pleasant Rhine gardens! Fair scenes of peaceand sunshine--noble purple mountains, whose crests arereflected in the magnificent stream--who has ever seenyou that has not a grateful memory of those scenes offriendly repose and beauty? To lay down the pen andeven to think of that beautiful Rhineland makes onehappy. At this time of summer evening, the cows aretrooping down from the hills, lowing and with their bellstinkling, to the old town, with its old moats, and gates,and spires, and chestnut-trees, with long blue shadowsstretching over the grass; the sky and the river belowflame in-crimson and gold; and the moon is already out,looking pale towards the sunset. The sun sinks behindthe great castle-crested mountains, the night falls suddenly,the river grows darker and darker, lights quiver in itfrom the windows in the old ramparts, and twinklepeacefully in the villages under the hills on the opposite shore.

　　So Jos used to go to sleep a good deal with his bandannaover his face and be very comfortable, and read allthe English news, and every word of Galignani's admirable newspaper (may the blessings of all Englishmen whohave ever been abroad rest on the founders and proprietorsof that piratical print! ) and whether he woke orslept, his friends did not very much miss him. Yes, theywere very happy. They went to the opera often ofevenings--to those snug, unassuming, dear old operas in theGerman towns, where the noblesse sits and cries, andknits stockings on the one side, over against the bourgeoisieon the other; and His Transparency the Duke and hisTransparent family, all very fat and good-natured, comeand occupy the great box in the middle; and the pit isfull of the most elegant slim-waisted officers with straw-coloured mustachios, and twopence a day on full pay.Here it was that Emmy found her delight, and wasintroduced for the first time to the wonders of Mozart andCimarosa. The Major's musical taste has been beforealluded to, and his performances on the flute commended.But perhaps the chief pleasure he had in these operaswas in watching Emmy's rapture while listening to them.A new world of love and beauty broke upon her whenshe was introduced to those divine compositions; thislady had the keenest and finest sensibility, and how couldshe be indifferent when she heard Mozart? The tenderparts of "Don Juan" awakened in her raptures soexquisite that she would ask herself when she went to sayher prayers of a night whether it was not wicked to feelso much delight as that with which "Vedrai Carino" and"Batti Batti" filled her gentle little bosom? But the Major,whom she consulted upon this head, as her theologicaladviser (and who himself had a pious and reverent soul),said that for his part, every beauty of art or nature madehim thankful as well as happy, and that the pleasure tobe had in listening to fine music, as in looking at the starsin the sky, or at a beautiful landscape or picture, was abenefit for which we might thank Heaven as sincerely asfor any other worldly blessing. And in reply to some faintobjections of Mrs. Amelia's (taken from certain theologicalworks like the Washerwoman of Finchley Commonand others of that school, with which Mrs. Osborne hadbeen furnished during her life at Brompton) he told heran Eastern fable of the Owl who thought that thesunshine was unbearable for the eyes and that theNightingale was a most overrated bird. "It is one's nature tosing and the other's to hoot," he said, laughing, "andwith such a sweet voice as you have yourself, you mustbelong to the Bulbul faction."

　　I like to dwell upon this period of her life and to thinkthat she was cheerful and happy. You see, she has nothad too much of that sort of existence as yet, and has notfallen in the way of means to educate her tastes or herintelligence. She has been domineered over hitherto byvulgar intellects. It is the lot of many a woman. And asevery one of the dear sex is the rival of the rest of herkind, timidity passes for folly in their charitablejudgments; and gentleness for dulness; and silence--which isbut timid denial of the unwelcome assertion of rulingfolks, and tacit protestantism--above all, finds no mercyat the hands of the female Inquisition. Thus, my dear andcivilized reader, if you and I were to find ourselves thisevening in a society of greengrocers, let us say, it isprobable that our conversation would not be brilliant; if, onthe other hand, a greengrocer should find himself at yourrefined and polite tea-table, where everybody was sayingwitty things, and everybody of fashion and repute tearingher friends to pieces in the most delightful manner, it ispossible that the stranger would not be very talkative andby no means interesting or interested.

　　And it must be remembered that this poor lady hadnever met a gentleman in her life until this presentmoment. Perhaps these are rarer personages than some ofus think for. Which of us can point out many such in hiscircle--men whose aims are generous, whose truth isconstant, and not only constant in its kind but elevatedin its degree; whose want of meanness makes themsimple; who can look the world honestly in the face withan equal manly sympathy for the great and the small?We all know a hundred whose coats are very well made,and a score who have excellent manners, and one or twohappy beings who are what they call in the inner circles,and have shot into the very centre and bull's-eye of thefashion; but of gentlemen how many? Let us take a littlescrap of paper and each make out his list.

　　My friend the Major I write, without any doubt, inmine. He had very long legs, a yellow face, and a slightlisp, which at first was rather ridiculous. But his thoughtswere just, his brains were fairly good, his life was honestand pure, and his heart warm and humble. He certainlyhad very large hands and feet, which the two GeorgeOsbornes used to caricature and laugh at; and their jeersand laughter perhaps led poor little Emmy astray as tohis worth. But have we not all been misled about ourheroes and changed our opinions a hundred times? Emmy,in this happy time, found that hers underwent a very greatchange in respect of the merits of the Major.

　　Perhaps it was the happiest time of both their lives,indeed, if they did but know it--and who does? Whichof us can point out and say that was the culmination--that was the summit of human joy? But at all events,this couple were very decently contented, and enjoyedas pleasant a summer tour as any pair that left Englandthat year. Georgy was always present at the play, butit was the Major who put Emmy's shawl on after theentertainment; and in the walks and excursions the younglad would be on ahead, and up a tower-stair or a tree,whilst the soberer couple were below, the Major smokinghis cigar with great placidity and constancy, whilst Emmysketched the site or the ruin. It was on this very tour thatI, the present writer of a history of which every word istrue, had the pleasure to see them first and to make theiracquaintance.

　　It was at the little comfortable Ducal town ofPumpernickel (that very place where Sir Pitt Crawleyhad been so distinguished as an attache; but that was inearly early days, and before the news of the Battle ofAusterlitz sent all the English diplomatists in Germany tothe right about) that I first saw Colonel Dobbin andhis party. They had arrived with the carriage and courierat the Erbprinz Hotel, the best of the town, and the wholeparty dined at the table d'hote. Everybody remarkedthe majesty of Jos and the knowing way in which hesipped, or rather sucked, the Johannisberger, which heordered for dinner. The little boy, too, we observed, hada famous appetite, and consumed schinken, and braten,and kartoffeln, and cranberry jam, and salad, andpudding, and roast fowls, and sweetmeats, with a gallantrythat did honour to his nation. After about fifteen dishes,he concluded the repast with dessert, some of which heeven carried out of doors, for some young gentlemen attable, amused with his coolness and gallant free-and-easymanner, induced him to pocket a handful of macaroons,which he discussed on his way to the theatre, whithereverybody went in the cheery social little German place.The lady in black, the boy's mamma, laughed and blushed,and looked exceedingly pleased and shy as the dinnerwent on, and at the various feats and instances ofespieglerie on the part of her son. The Colonel--for so he became very soon afterwards--I rememberjoked the boy with a great deal of grave fun, pointingout dishes which he hadn't tried, and entreating him notto baulk his appetite, but to have a second supply ofthis or that.

　　It was what they call a gast-rolle night at the RoyalGrand Ducal Pumpernickelisch Hof--or Court theatre--and Madame Schroeder Devrient, then in the bloom ofher beauty and genius, performed the part of the heroinein the wonderful opera of Fidelio. From our places in thestalls we could see our four friends of the table d'hotein the loge which Schwendler of the Erbprinz kept for hisbest guests, and I could not help remarking the effectwhich the magnificent actress and music produced uponMrs. Osborne, for so we heard the stout gentleman inthe mustachios call her. During the astonishing Chorusof the Prisoners, over which the delightful voice of theactress rose and soared in the most ravishing harmony,the English lady's face wore such an expression of wonderand delight that it struck even little Fipps, the blaseattache, who drawled out, as he fixed his glass upon her,"Gayd, it really does one good to see a woman caypableof that stayt of excaytement." And in the Prison Scene,where Fidelio, rushing to her husband, cries, "Nichts,nichts, mein Florestan," she fairly lost herself andcovered her face with her handkerchief. Every woman in thehouse was snivelling at the time, but I suppose it wasbecause it was predestined that I was to write thisparticular lady's memoirs that I remarked her.

　　The next day they gave another piece of Beethoven,Die Schlacht bei Vittoria. Malbrook is introduced at thebeginning of the performance, as indicative of the briskadvance of the French army. Then come drums, trumpets,thunders of artillery, and groans of the dying, and at last,in a grand triumphal swell, "God Save the King" isperformed.

　　There may have been a score of Englishmen in thehouse, but at the burst of that beloved and well-knownmusic, every one of them, we young fellows in the stalls,Sir John and Lady Bullminster (who had taken a houseat Pumpernickel for the education of their ninechildren), the fat gentleman with the mustachios, the longMajor in white duck trousers, and the lady with the littleboy upon whom he was so sweet, even Kirsch, the courierin the gallery, stood bolt upright in their places andproclaimed themselves to be members of the dear old Britishnation. As for Tapeworm, the Charge d'Affaires, he roseup in his box and bowed and simpered, as if he wouldrepresent the whole empire. Tapeworm was nephew andheir of old Marshal Tiptoff, who has been introduced inthis story as General Tiptoff, just before Waterloo, whowas Colonel of the --th regiment in which Major Dobbinserved, and who died in this year full of honours, and ofan aspic of plovers' eggs; when the regiment was graciouslygiven by his Majesty to Colonel Sir Michael O'Dowd,K.C.B. who had commanded it in many glorious fields.

　　Tapeworm must have met with Colonel Dobbin at thehouse of the Colonel's Colonel, the Marshal, for herecognized him on this night at the theatre, and with theutmost condescension, his Majesty's minister came overfrom his own box and publicly shook hands with hisnew-found friend.

　　"Look at that infernal sly-boots of a Tapeworm,"Fipps whispered, examining his chief from the stalls."Wherever there's a pretty woman he always twistshimself in." And I wonder what were diplomatists made forbut for that?

　　"Have I the honour of addressing myself to Mrs.Dobbin?" asked the Secretary with a most insinuating grin.

　　Georgy burst out laughing and said, "By Jove, that wasa good 'un." Emmy and the Major blushed: we saw themfrom the stalls.

　　"This lady is Mrs. George Osborne," said the Major,"and this is her brother, Mr. Sedley, a distinguishedofficer of the Bengal Civil Service: permit me to introducehim to your lordship."

　　My lord nearly sent Jos off his legs with the mostfascinating smile. "Are you going to stop in Pumpernickel?"he said. "It is a dull place, but we want some nice people,and we would try and make it so agreeable to you. Mr.--Ahum--Mrs.--Oho. I shall do myself the honour of callingupon you to-morrow at your inn." And he went awaywith a Parthian grin and glance which he thought mustfinish Mrs. Osborne completely.

　　The performance over, the young fellows lounged aboutthe lobbies, and we saw the society take its departure.The Duchess Dowager went off in her jingling old coach,attended by two faithful and withered old maids ofhonour, and a little snuffy spindle-shanked gentleman inwaiting, in a brown jasey and a green coat covered withorders--of which the star and the grand yellow cordon ofthe order of St. Michael of Pumpernickel were mostconspicuous. The drums rolled, the guards saluted, and theold carriage drove away.

　　Then came his Transparency the Duke and Transparentfamily, with his great officers of state and household. Hebowed serenely to everybody. And amid the saluting ofthe guards and the flaring of the torches of the runningfootmen, clad in scarlet, the Transparent carriages droveaway to the old Ducal schloss, with its towers andpinacles standing on the schlossberg. Everybody inPumpernickel knew everybody. No sooner was a foreigner seenthere than the Minister of Foreign Affairs, or some othergreat or small officer of state, went round to the Erbprinzand found out the name of the new arrival.

　　We watched them, too, out of the theatre. Tapewormhad just walked off, enveloped in his cloak, with whichhis gigantic chasseur was always in attendance, andlooking as much as possible like Don Juan. The PrimeMinister's lady had just squeezed herself into her sedan,and her daughter, the charming Ida, had put on hercalash and clogs; when the English party came out, theboy yawning drearily, the Major taking great pains inkeeping the shawl over Mrs. Osborne's head, and Mr.Sedley looking grand, with a crush opera-hat on one sideof his head and his hand in the stomach of a voluminouswhite waistcoat. We took off our hats to our acquaintancesof the table d'hote, and the lady, in return, presented uswith a little smile and a curtsey, for whicheverybody might be thankful.

　　The carriage from the inn, under the superintendenceof the bustling Mr. Kirsch, was in waiting to convey theparty; but the fat man said he would walk and smoke hiscigar on his way homewards, so the other three, withnods and smiles to us, went without Mr. Sedley, Kirsch,with the cigar case, following in his master's wake.

　　We all walked together and talked to the stout gentlemanabout the agremens of the place. It was very agreeablefor the English. There were shooting-parties andbattues; there was a plenty of balls and entertainments atthe hospitable Court; the society was generally good; thetheatre excellent; and the living cheap.

　　"And our Minister seems a most delightful and affableperson," our new friend said. '~With such a representative,and--and a good medical man, I can fancy the place tobe most eligible. Good-night, gentlemen." And Joscreaked up the stairs to bedward, followed by Kirsch witha flambeau. We rather hoped that nice-looking womanwould be induced to stay some time in the town.