Chapter XXXIII: In Which Miss Crawley's Relations Are Very Anxious About Her

by William Makepeace Thackeray

　　The kind reader must please to remember--while thearmy is marching from Flanders, and, after its heroicactions there, is advancing to take the fortifications on thefrontiers of France, previous to an occupation of thatcountry--that there are a number of persons livingpeaceably in England who have to do with the history atpresent in hand, and must come in for their share of thechronicle. During the time of these battles and dangers,old Miss Crawley was living at Brighton, very moderatelymoved by the great events that were going on. The greatevents rendered the newspapers rather interesting, to besure, and Briggs read out the Gazette, in which RawdonCrawley's gallantry was mentioned with honour, and hispromotion was presently recorded.

　　"What a pity that young man has taken such anirretrievable step in the world!" his aunt said; "with his rankand distinction he might have married a brewer'sdaughter with a quarter of a million--like Miss Grains; or havelooked to ally himself with the best families in England.He would have had my money some day or other; or hischildren would--for I'm not in a hurry to go, Miss Briggs,although you may be in a hurry to be rid of me; andinstead of that, he is a doomed pauper, with a dancing-girlfor a wife."

　　"Will my dear Miss Crawley not cast an eye ofcompassion upon the heroic soldier, whose name is inscribedin the annals of his country's glory?" said Miss Briggs,who was greatly excited by the Waterloo proceedings,and loved speaking romantically when there was anoccasion. "Has not the Captain--or the Colonel as I maynow style him--done deeds which make the name ofCrawley illustrious?"

　　"Briggs, you are a fool," said Miss Crawley: "ColonelCrawley has dragged the name of Crawley through themud, Miss Briggs. Marry a drawing-master's daughter,indeedfor she was nobetter, Briggs; no, she was just what you are--only younger,and a great deal prettier and cleverer. Were you anaccomplice of that abandoned wretch, I wonder, of whosevile arts he became a victim, and of whom you used tobe such an admirer? Yes, I daresay you were an accomplice.But you will find yourself disappointed in my will,I can tell you: and you will have the goodness to write toMr. Waxy, and say that I desire to see him immediately."Miss Crawley was now in the habit of writing to Mr.Waxy her solicitor almost every day in the week, for herarrangements respecting her property were all revoked,and her perplexity was great as to the future dispositionof her money.

　　The spinster had, however, rallied considerably; aswas proved by the increased vigour and frequency of hersarcasms upon Miss Briggs, all which attacks the poorcompanion bore with meekness, with cowardice, with aresignation that was half generous and half hypocritical--with the slavish submission, in a word, that women ofher disposition and station are compelled to show. Whohas not seen how women bully women? What tortureshave men to endure, comparable to those daily repeatedshafts of scorn and cruelty with which poor women areriddled by the tyrants of their sex? Poor victims! But weare starting from our proposition, which is, that MissCrawley was always particularly annoying and savagewhen she was rallying from illness--as they say woundstingle most when they are about to heal.

　　While thus approaching, as all hoped, to convalescence,Miss Briggs was the only victim admitted into thepresence of the invalid; yet Miss Crawley's relatives afaroff did not forget their beloved kinswoman, and by anumber of tokens, presents, and kind affectionatemessages, strove to keep themselves alive in herrecollection.

　　In the first place, let us mention her nephew, RawdonCrawley. A few weeks after the famous fight of Waterloo,and after the Gazette had made known to her the promotionand gallantry of that distinguished officer, the Dieppepacket brought over to Miss Crawley at Brighton, a boxcontaining presents, and a dutiful letter, from theColonel her nephew. In the box were a pair of Frenchepaulets, a Cross of the Legion of Honour, and the hilt of asword--relics from the field of battle: and the letterdescribed with a good deal of humour how the latterbelonged to a commanding officer of the Guard, who havingsworn that "the Guard died, but never surrendered,"was taken prisoner the next minute by a private soldier,who broke the Frenchman's sword with the butt of hismusket, when Rawdon made himself master of theshattered weapon. As for the cross and epaulets, they camefrom a Colonel of French cavalry, who had fallen underthe aide-de-camp's arm in the battle: and Rawdon Crawleydid not know what better to do with the spoils thanto send them to his kindest and most affectionate oldfriend. Should he continue to write to her from Paris,whither the army was marching? He might be able togive her interesting news from that capital, and of someof Miss Crawley's old friends of the emigration, to whomshe had shown so much kindness during their distress.

　　The spinster caused Briggs to write back to the Colonela gracious and complimentary letter, encouraginghim to continue his correspondence. His first letter wasso excessively lively and amusing that she should lookwith pleasure for its successors.--"Of course, I know,"she explained to,Miss Briggs, "that Rawdon could notwrite such a good letter any more than you could, mypoor Briggs, and that it is that clever little wretch of aRebecca, who dictates every word to him; but that is noreason why my nephew should not amuse me; and so Iwish to let him understand that I am in high goodhumour."

　　I wonder whether she knew that it was not only Beckywho wrote the letters, but that Mrs. Rawdon actuallytook and sent home the trophies which she bought for afew francs, from one of the innumerable pedlars whoimmediately began to deal in relics of the war. Thenovelist, who knows everything, knows this also. Be this,however, as it may, Miss Crawley's gracious reply greatlyencouraged our young friends, Rawdon and his lady, whohoped for the best from their aunt's evidently pacifiedhumour: and they took care to entertain her with manydelightful letters from Paris, whither, as Rawdon said,they had the good luck to go in the track of theconquering army.

　　To the rector's lady, who went off to tend herhusband's broken collar-bone at the Rectory at Queen'sCrawley, the spinster's communications were by nomeans so gracious. Mrs. Bute, that brisk, managing,lively, imperious woman, had committed the most fatal ofall errors with regard to her sister-in-law. She had notmerely oppressed her and her household--she had boredMiss Crawley; and if poor Miss Briggs had been awoman of any spirit, she might have been made happyby the commission which her principal gave her to writea letter to Mrs. Bute Crawley, saying that Miss Crawley'shealth was greatly improved since Mrs. Bute had left her,and begging the latter on no account to put herself totrouble, or quit her family for Miss Crawley's sake. Thistriumph over a lady who had been very haughty andcruel in her behaviour to Miss Briggs, would have rejoicedmost women; but the truth is, Briggs was a woman of nospirit at all, and the moment her enemy was discomfited,she began to feel compassion in her favour.

　　"How silly I was," Mrs. Bute thought, and withreason, "ever to hint that I was coming, as I did, in thatfoolish letter when we sent Miss Crawley the guinea-fowls. I ought to have gone without a word to the poordear doting old creature, and taken her out of the handsof that ninny Briggs, and that harpy of a femme dechambre. Oh! Bute, Bute, why did you break your collar-bone?"

　　Why, indeed? We have seen how Mrs. Bute, having thegame in her hands, had really played her cards too well.She had ruled over Miss Crawley's household utterly andcompletely, to be utterly and completely routed when afavourable opportunity for rebellion came. She and herhousehold, however, considered that she had been thevictim of horrible selfishness and treason, and that hersacrifices in Miss Crawley's behalf had met with the mostsavage ingratitude. Rawdon's promotion, and thehonourable mention made of his name in the Gazette, filledthis good Christian lady also with alarm. Would his auntrelent towards him now that he was a Lieutenant-Coloneland a C.B.? and would that odious Rebecca once moreget into favour? The Rector's wife wrote a sermon for herhusband about the vanity of military glory and theprosperity of the wicked, which the worthy parson read inhis best voice and without understanding one syllable ofit. He had Pitt Crawley for one of his auditors--Pitt, whohad come with his two half-sisters to church, which.theold Baronet could now by no means be brought tofrequent.

　　Since the departure of Becky Sharp, that old wretchhad given himself up entirely to his bad courses, to thegreat scandal of the county and the mute horror of hisson. The ribbons in Miss Horrocks's cap became moresplendid than ever. The polite families fled the hall andits owner in terror. Sir Pitt went about tippling at histenants' houses; and drank rum-and-water with thefarmers at Mudbury and the neighbouring places onmarket-days. He drove the family coach-and-four toSouthampton with Miss Horrocks inside: and the county peopleexpected, every week, as his son did in speechless agony,that his marriage with her would be announced in theprovincial paper. It was indeed a rude burthen for Mr.Crawley to bear. His eloquence was palsied at themissionary meetings, and other religious assemblies in theneighbourhood, where he had been in the habit ofpresiding, and of speaking for hours; for he felt, when he rose,that the audience said, "That is the son of the oldreprobate Sir Pitt, who is very likely drinking at the publichouse at this very moment." And once when he wasspeaking of the benighted condition of the king ofTimbuctoo, and the number of his wives who were likewise indarkness, some gipsy miscreant from the crowd asked,"How many is there at Queen's Crawley, YoungSquaretoes?" to the surprise of the platform, and the ruinof Mr. Pitt's speech. And the two daughters of the house ofQueen's Crawley would have been allowed to run utterlywild (for Sir Pitt swore that no governess should everenter into his doors again), had not Mr. Crawley, bythreatening the old gentleman, forced the latter to sendthem to school.

　　Meanwhile, as we have said, whatever individualdifferences there might be between them all, Miss Crawley'sdear nephews and nieces were unanimous in loving herand sending her tokens of affection. Thus Mrs. Bute sentguinea-fowls, and some remarkably fine cauliflowers, anda pretty purse or pincushion worked by her darling girls,who begged to keep a little place in the recollection oftheir dear aunt, while Mr. Pitt sent peaches and grapesand venison from the Hall. The Southampton coach usedto carry these tokens of affection to Miss Crawley atBrighton: it used sometimes to convey Mr. Pitt thithertoo: for his differences with Sir Pitt caused Mr. Crawleyto absent himself a good deal from home now: andbesides, he had an attraction at Brighton in the person ofthe Lady Jane Sheepshanks, whose engagement to Mr.Crawley has been formerly mentioned in this history.Her Ladyship and her sisters lived at Brighton with theirmamma, the Countess Southdown, that strong-mindedwoman so favourably known in the serious world.

　　A few words ought to be said regarding her Ladyshipand her noble family, who are bound by ties of presentand future relationship to the house of Crawley.Respecting the chief of the Southdown family, ClementWilliam, fourth Earl of Southdown, little need be told,except that his Lordship came into Parliament (as LordWolsey) under the auspices of Mr. Wilberforce, and fora time was a credit to his political sponsor, and decidedlya serious young man. But words cannot describe thefeelings of his admirable mother, when she learned, veryshortly after her noble husband's demise, that her sonwas a member of several worldly clubs, had lost largelyat play at Wattier's and the Cocoa Tree; that he hadraised money on post-obits, and encumbered the familyestate; that he drove four-in-hand, and patronised thering; and that he actually had an opera-box, where heentertained the most dangerous bachelor company. Hisname was only mentioned with groans in the dowager'scircle.

　　The Lady Emily was her brother's senior by manyyears; and took considerable rank in the serious world asauthor of some of the delightful tracts before mentioned,and of many hymns and spiritual pieces. A maturespinster, and having but faint ideas of marriage, her love forthe blacks occupied almost all her feelings. It is to her, Ibelieve, we owe that beautiful poem

　　Lead us to some sunny isle,Yonder in the western deep;Where the skies for ever smile,And the blacks for ever weep, &c.

　　She had correspondences with clerical gentlemen inmost of our East and West India possessions; and wassecretly attached to the Reverend Silas Hornblower, whowas tattooed in the South Sea Islands.

　　As for the Lady Jane, on whom, as it has been said, Mr.Pitt Crawley's affection had been placed, she was gentle,blushing, silent, and timid. In spite of his falling away,she wept for her brother, and was quite ashamed ofloving him still. Even yet she used to send him little hurriedsmuggled notes, and pop them into the post in private.The one dreadful secret which weighed upon her life was,that she and the old housekeeper had been to paySouthdown a furtive visit at his chambers in the Albany; andfound him--O the naughty dear abandoned wretch!--smoking a cigar with a bottle of Curacao before him. Sheadmired her sister, she adored her mother, she thoughtMr. Crawley the most delightful and accomplished ofmen, after Southdown, that fallen angel: and her mammaand sister, who were ladies of the most superior sort,managed everything for her, and regarded her with thatamiable pity, of which your really superior woman alwayshas such a share to give away. Her mamma ordered herdresses, her books, her bonnets, and her ideas for her.She was made to take pony-riding, or piano-exercise, orany other sort of bodily medicament, according as myLady Southdown saw meet; and her ladyship would havekept her daughter in pinafores up to her present age ofsix-and-twenty, but that they were thrown off when LadyJane was presented to Queen Charlotte.

　　When these ladies first came to their house at Brighton,it was to them alone that Mr. Crawley paid his personalvisits, contenting himself by leaving a card at his aunt'shouse, and making a modest inquiry of Mr. Bowls or hisassistant footman, with respect to the health of theinvalid. When he met Miss Briggs coming home from thelibrary with a cargo of novels under her arm, Mr. Crawleyblushed in a manner quite unusual to him, as hestepped forward and shook Miss Crawley's companion bythe hand. He introduced Miss Briggs to the lady withwhom he happened to be walking, the Lady JaneSheepshanks, saying, "Lady Jane, permit me to introduce toyou my aunt's kindest friend and most affectionatecompanion, Miss Briggs, whom you know under another title,as authoress of the delightful 'Lyrics of the Heart,' ofwhich you are so fond." Lady Jane blushed too as sheheld out a kind little hand to Miss Briggs, and saidsomething very civil and incoherent about mamma, andproposing to call on Miss Crawley, and being glad to bemade known to the friends and relatives of Mr. Crawley;and with soft dove-like eyes saluted Miss Briggs asthey separated, while Pitt Crawley treated her to aprofound courtly bow, such as he had used to H.H. theDuchess of Pumpernickel, when he was attache at that court.

　　The artful diplomatist and disciple of the MachiavellianBinkie! It was he who had given Lady Jane that copy ofpoor Briggs's early poems, which he remembered to haveseen at Queen's Crawley, with a dedication from thepoetess to his father's late wife; and he brought thevolume with him to Brighton, reading it in the Southamptoncoach and marking it with his own pencil, before hepresented it to the gentle Lady Jane.

　　It was he, too, who laid before Lady Southdown thegreat advantages which might occur from an intimacybetween her family and Miss Crawley--advantages bothworldly and spiritual, he said: for Miss Crawley was nowquite alone; the monstrous dissipation and alliance of hisbrother Rawdon had estranged her affections from thatreprobate young man; the greedy tyranny and avarice ofMrs. Bute Crawley had caused the old lady to revoltagainst the exorbitant pretensions of that part of thefamily; and though he himself had held off all his life fromcultivating Miss Crawley's friendship, with perhaps animproper pride, he thought now that every becomingmeans should be taken, both to save her soul fromperdition, and to secure her fortune to himself as the head ofthe house of Crawley.

　　The strong-minded Lady Southdown quite agreed inboth proposals of her son-in-law, and was for convertingMiss Crawley off-hand. At her own home, both atSouthdown and at Trottermore Castle, this tall and awfulmissionary of the truth rode about the country in herbarouche with outriders, launched packets of tracts amongthe cottagers and tenants, and would order Gaffer Jonesto be converted, as she would order Goody Hicks to takea James's powder, without appeal, resistance, or benefit ofclergy. My Lord Southdown, her late husband, an epilepticand simple-minded nobleman, was in the habit ofapproving of everything which his Matilda did andthought. So that whatever changes her own belief mightundergo (and it accommodated itself to a prodigiousvariety of opinion, taken from all sorts of doctors amongthe Dissenters) she had not the least scruple in orderingall her tenants and inferiors to follow and believe afterher. Thus whether she received the Reverend SaundersMcNitre, the Scotch divine; or the Reverend Luke Waters,the mild Wesleyan; or the Reverend Giles Jowls, theilluminated Cobbler, who dubbed himself Reverend asNapoleon crowned himself Emperor--the household,children, tenantry of my Lady Southdown were expected togo down on their knees with her Ladyship, and say Amento the prayers of either Doctor. During these exercises oldSouthdown, on account of his invalid condition, wasallowed to sit in his own room, and have negus and thepaper read to him. Lady Jane was the old Earl's favouritedaughter, and tended him and loved him sincerely: as forLady Emily, the authoress of the "Washerwoman ofFinchley Common," her denunciations of future punishment(at this period, for her opinions modified afterwards)were so awful that they used to frighten the timidold gentleman her father, and the physicians declared hisfits always occurred after one of her Ladyship's sermons.

　　"I will certainly call," said Lady Southdown then, inreply to the exhortation of her daughter's pretendu, Mr.Pitt Crawley--"Who is Miss Crawley's medical man?"

　　Mr. Crawley mentioned the name of Mr. Creamer.

　　"A most dangerous and ignorant practitioner, my dearPitt. I have providentially been the means of removinghim from several houses: though in one or twoinstances I did not arrive in time. I could not save poordear General Glanders, who was dying under the hands ofthat ignorant man--dying. He rallied a little under thePodgers' pills which I administered to him; but alas! itwas too late. His death was delightful, however; and hischange was only for the better; Creamer, my dear Pitt,must leave your aunt."

　　Pitt expressed his perfect acquiescence. He, too, hadbeen carried along by the energy of his noble kinswoman,and future mother-in-law. He had been made to acceptSaunders McNitre, Luke Waters, Giles Jowls, Podgers'Pills, Rodgers' Pills, Pokey's Elixir, every one of herLadyship's remedies spiritual or temporal. He never lefther house without carrying respectfully away with himpiles of her quack theology and medicine. O, my dearbrethren and fellow-sojourners in Vanity Fair, whichamong you does not know and suffer under suchbenevolent despots? It is in vain you say to them, "DearMadam, I took Podgers' specific at your orders last year,and believe in it. Why, why am I to recant and accept theRodgers' articles now?" There is no help for it; the faithful proselytizer, if she cannot convince by argument,bursts into tears, and the refusant finds himself, at theend of the contest, taking down the bolus, and saying,"Well, well, Rodgers' be it."

　　"And as for her spiritual state," continued the Lady,"that of course must be looked to immediately: withCreamer about her, she may go off any day: and in whata condition, my dear Pitt, in what a dreadful condition!I will send the Reverend Mr. Irons to her instantly. Jane,write a line to the Reverend Bartholomew Irons, in thethird person, and say that I desire the pleasure of hiscompany this evening at tea at half-past six. He is anawakening man; he ought to see Miss Crawley before sherests this night. And Emily, my love, get ready a packetof books for Miss Crawley. Put up 'A Voice from theFlames,' 'A Trumpet-warning to Jericho,' and the'Fleshpots Broken; or, the Converted Cannibal.' "

　　"And the 'Washerwoman of Finchley Common,'Mamma," said Lady Emily. "It is as well to beginsoothingly at first."

　　"Stop, my dear ladies," said Pitt, the diplomatist."With every deference to the opinion of my beloved andrespected Lady Southdown, I think it would be quiteunadvisable to commence so early upon serious topics withMiss Crawley. Remember her delicate condition, and howlittle, how very little accustomed she has hitherto beento considerations connected with her immortal welfare."

　　"Can we then begin too early, Pitt?" said Lady Emily,rising with six little books already in her hand.

　　"If you begin abruptly, you will frighten her altogether.I know my aunt's worldly nature so well as to be surethat any abrupt attempt at conversion will be the veryworst means that can be employed for the welfare of thatunfortunate lady. You will only frighten and annoy her.She will very likely fling the books away, and refuse allacquaintance with the givers."

　　"You are as worldly as Miss Crawley, Pitt," said LadyEmily, tossing out of the room, her books in her hand.

　　"And I need not tell you, my dear Lady Southdown,"Pitt continued, in a low voice, and without heeding theinterruption, "how fatal a little want of gentleness andcaution may be to any hopes which we may entertain withregard to the worldly possessions of my aunt. Remembershe has seventy thousand pounds; think of her age, andher highly nervous and delicate condition; I know that shehas destroyed the will which was made in my brother's(Colonel Crawley's) favour: it is by soothing thatwounded spirit that we must lead it into the right path,and not by frightening it; and so I think you will agreewith me that--that--'

　　"Of course, of course," Lady Southdown remarked."Jane, my love, you need not send that note to Mr. Irons.If her health is such that discussions fatigue her, we willwait her amendment. I will call upon Miss Crawleytomorrow."

　　"And if I might suggest, my sweet lady," Pitt said in abland tone, "it would be as well not to take our preciousEmily, who is too enthusiastic; but rather that you shouldbe accompanied by our sweet and dear Lady Jane."

　　"Most certainly, Emily would ruin everything," LadySouthdown said; and this time agreed to forego her usualpractice, which was, as we have said, before she boredown personally upon any individual whom she proposedto subjugate, to fire in a quantity of tracts upon themenaced party (as a charge of the French was alwayspreceded by a furious cannonade). Lady Southdown, wesay, for the sake of the invalid's health, or for the sakeof her soul's ultimate welfare, or for the sake of hermoney, agreed to temporise.

　　The next day, the great Southdown female familycarriage, with the Earl's coronet and the lozenge (uponwhich the three lambs trottant argent upon the field vertof the Southdowns, were quartered with sable on a bendor, three snuff-mulls gules, the cognizance of the house ofBinkie), drove up in state to Miss Crawley's door, andthe tall serious footman handed in to Mr. Bowls herLadyship's cards for Miss Crawley, and one likewise forMiss Briggs. By way of compromise, Lady Emily sent in apacket in the evening for the latter lady, containingcopies of the "Washerwoman," and other mild and favouritetracts for Miss B.'s own perusal; and a few for theservants' hall, viz.: "Crumbs from the Pantry," "TheFrying Pan and the Fire," and "The Livery of Sin," of amuch stronger kind.