Chapter XXXVI: How to Live Well on Nothing a Year

by William Makepeace Thackeray

　　I suppose there is no man in this Vanity Fair of ours solittle observant as not to think sometimes about theworldly affairs of his acquaintances, or so extremelycharitable as not to wonder how his neighbour Jones,or his neighbour Smith, can make both ends meet at theend of the year. With the utmost regard for the family,for instance (for I dine with them twice or thrice in theseason), I cannot but own that the appearance of theJenkinses in the park, in the large barouche with thegrenadier-footmen, will surprise and mystify me to mydying day: for though I know the equipage is onlyjobbed, and all the Jenkins people are on board wages,yet those three men and the carriage must represent anexpense of six hundred a year at the very least--and thenthere are the splendid dinners, the two boys at Eton, theprize governess and masters for the girls, the tripabroad, or to Eastbourne or Worthing, in the autumn,the annual ball with a supper from Gunter's (who, by theway, supplies most of the first-rate dinners which J. gives,as I know very well, having been invited to one of them tofill a vacant place, when I saw at once that these repasts arevery superior to the common run of entertainments for which thehumbler sort of J.'s acquaintances get cards)--who, I say, with themost good-natured feelings in the world, can help wondering howthe Jenkinses make out matters? What is Jenkins? We all know--Commissioner of the Tape and Sealing Wax Office, with1200 pounds a year for a salary. Had his wife a privatefortune? Poohone of eleven children of asmall squire in Buckinghamshire. All she ever gets fromher family is a turkey at Christmas, in exchange for whichshe has to board two or three of her sisters in the offseason, and lodge and feed her brothers when theycome to town. How does Jenkins balance his income? Isay, as every friend of his must say, How is it that hehas not been outlawed long since, and that he ever cameback (as he did to the surprise of everybody) last yearfrom Boulogne?

　　"I" is here introduced to personify the world ingeneral--the Mrs. Grundy of each respected reader's privatecircle--every one of whom can point to some familiesof his acquaintance who live nobody knows how. Manya glass of wine have we all of us drunk, I have verylittle doubt, hob-and-nobbing with the hospitable giverand wondering how the deuce he paid for it.

　　Some three or four years after his stay in Paris, whenRawdon Crawley and his wife were established in a verysmall comfortable house in Curzon Street, May Fair, therewas scarcely one of the numerous friends whom theyentertained at dinner that did not ask the above questionregarding them. The novelist, it has been said before,knows everything, and as I am in a situation to beable to tell the public how Crawley and his wife livedwithout any income, may I entreat the public newspaperswhich are in the habit of extracting portions of thevarious periodical works now published not to reprintthe following exact narrative and calculations--of whichI ought, as the discoverer (and at some expense, too),to have the benefit? My son, I would say, were I blessedwith a child--you may by deep inquiry and constantintercourse with him learn how a man lives comfortablyon nothing a year. But it is best not to be intimate withgentlemen of this profession and to take the calculationsat second hand, as you do logarithms, for to workthem yourself, depend upon it, will cost you somethingconsiderable.

　　On nothing per annum then, and during a course ofsome two or three years, of which we can afford togive but a very brief history, Crawley and his wife livedvery happily and comfortably at Paris. It was in thisperiod that he quitted the Guards and sold out of thearmy. When we find him again, his mustachios and thetitle of Colonel on his card are the only relics of hismilitary profession.

　　It has been mentioned that Rebecca, soon after herarrival in Paris, took a very smart and leading position inthe society of that capital, and was welcomed at someof the most distinguished houses of the restored Frenchnobility. The English men of fashion in Paris courted her,too, to the disgust of the ladies their wives, who couldnot bear the parvenue. For some months the salonsof the Faubourg St. Germain, in which her place wassecured, and the splendours of the new Court, where shewas received with much distinction, delighted andperhaps a little intoxicated Mrs. Crawley, who may havebeen disposed during this period of elation to slight thepeople--honest young military men mostly--who formedher husband's chief society.

　　But the Colonel yawned sadly among the Duchessesand great ladies of the Court. The old women whoplayed ecarte made such a noise about a five-francpiece that it was not worth Colonel Crawley's while tosit down at a card-table. The wit of their conversation hecould not appreciate, being ignorant of their language.And what good could his wife get, he urged, by makingcurtsies every night to a whole circle of Princesses? Heleft Rebecca presently to frequent these parties alone,resuming his own simple pursuits and amusementsamongst the amiable friends of his own choice.

　　The truth is, when we say of a gentleman that helives elegantly on nothing a year, we use the word"nothing" to signify something unknown; meaning, simply,that we don't know how the gentleman in question defraysthe expenses of his establishment. Now, our friend theColonel had a great aptitude for all games of chance:and exercising himself, as he continually did, with thecards, the dice-box, or the cue, it is natural to supposethat he attained a much greater skill in the use of thesearticles than men can possess who only occasionallyhandle them. To use a cue at billiards well is like using apencil, or a German flute, or a small-sword--you cannotmaster any one of these implements at first, and it is onlyby repeated study and perseverance, joined to a naturaltaste, that a man can excel in the handling of either.Now Crawley, from being only a brilliant amateur, hadgrown to be a consummate master of billiards. Like agreat General, his genius used to rise with the danger,and when the luck had been unfavourable to him for awhole game, and the bets were consequently against him,he would, with consummate skill and boldness, makesome prodigious hits which would restore the battle, andcome in a victor at the end, to the astonishment ofeverybody--of everybody, that is, who was a stranger to hisplay. Those who were accustomed to see it were cautioushow they staked their money against a man of suchsudden resources and brilliant and overpowering skill.

　　At games of cards he was equally skilful; for thoughhe would constantly lose money at the commencementof an evening, playing so carelessly and making suchblunders, that newcomers were often inclined to thinkmeanly of his talent; yet when roused to action andawakened to caution by repeated small losses, it wasremarked that Crawley's play became quite different, andthat he was pretty sure of beating his enemy thoroughlybefore the night was over. Indeed, very few men couldsay that they ever had the better of him.His successes were so repeated that no wonder theenvious and the vanquished spoke sometimes withbitterness regarding them. And as the French say of theDuke of Wellington, who never suffered a defeat, thatonly an astonishing series of lucky accidents enabled himto be an invariable winner; yet even they allow that hecheated at Waterloo, and was enabled to win the lastgreat trick: so it was hinted at headquarters in Englandthat some foul play must have taken place in order toaccount for the continuous successes of Colonel Crawley.

　　Though Frascati's and the Salon were open at that timein Paris, the mania for play was so widely spread thatthe public gambling-rooms did not suffice for the generalardour, and gambling went on in private houses asmuch as if there had been no public means for gratifyingthe passion. At Crawley's charming little reunions of anevening this fatal amusement commonly was practised--much to good-natured little Mrs. Crawley's annoyance.She spoke about her husband's passion for dice with thedeepest grief; she bewailed it to everybody who came toher house. She besought the young fellows never, neverto touch a box; and when young Green, of the Rifles,lost a very considerable sum of money, Rebecca passed awhole night in tears, as the servant told the unfortunateyoung gentleman, and actually went on her knees to herhusband to beseech him to remit the debt, and burn theacknowledgement. How could he? He had lost just asmuch himself to Blackstone of the Hussars, and CountPunter of the Hanoverian Cavalry. Green might have anydecent time; but pay?--of course he must pay; to talkof burning IOU's was child's play.

　　Other officers, chiefly young--for the young fellowsgathered round Mrs. Crawley--came from her partieswith long faces, having dropped more or less money ather fatal card-tables. Her house began to have anunfortunate reputation. The old hands warned the lessexperienced of their danger. Colonel O'Dowd, of the --thregiment, one of those occupying in Paris, warnedLieutenant Spooney of that corps. A loud and violent fracastook place between the infantry Colonel and his lady,who were dining at the Cafe de Paris, and Colonel andMrs. Crawley; who were also taking their meal there.The ladies engaged on both sides. Mrs. O'Dowd snappedher fingers in Mrs. Crawley's face and called herhusband "no betther than a black-leg." Colonel Crawleychallenged Colonel O'Dowd, C.B. The Commander-in-Chiefhearing of the dispute sent for Colonel Crawley, who wasgetting ready the same pistols "which he shot CaptainMarker," and had such a conversation with him that noduel took place. If Rebecca had not gone on her kneesto General Tufto, Crawley would have been sent backto England; and he did not play, except with civilians,for some weeks after.

　　But, in spite of Rawdon's undoubted skill and constantsuccesses, it became evident to Rebecca, consideringthese things, that their position was but a precariousone, and that, even although they paid scarcely anybody,their little capital would end one day by dwindling intozero. "Gambling," she would say, "dear, is good to helpyour income, but not as an income itself. Some daypeople may be tired of play, and then where are we?"Rawdon acquiesced in the justice of her opinion; and intruth he had remarked that after a few nights of hislittle suppers, &c., gentlemen were tired of play with him,and, in spite of Rebecca's charms, did not presentthemselves very eagerly.

　　Easy and pleasant as their life at Paris was, it wasafter all only an idle dalliance and amiable trifling; andRebecca saw that she must push Rawdon's fortune intheir own country. She must get him a place or appointmentat home or in the colonies, and she determined tomake a move upon England as soon as the way could becleared for her. As a first step she had made Crawleysell out of the Guards and go on half-pay. His functionas aide-de-camp to General Tufto had ceased previously.Rebecca laughed in all companies at that officer, at histoupee (which he mounted on coming to Paris), at hiswaistband, at his false teeth, at his pretensions to be alady-killer above all, and his absurd vanity in fancyingevery woman whom he came near was in love withhim. It was to Mrs. Brent, the beetle-browed wife ofMr. Commissary Brent, to whom the general transferredhis attentions now--his bouquets, his dinners at therestaurateurs', his opera-boxes, and his knick-knacks. PoorMrs. Tufto was no more happy than before, and had stillto pass long evenings alone with her daughters, knowingthat her General was gone off scented and curled tostand behind Mrs. Brent's chair at the play. Becky had adozen admirers in his place, to be sure, and could cuther rival to pieces with her wit. But, as we have said, she.was growing tired of this idle social life: opera-boxes andrestaurateur dinners palled upon her: nosegays could notbe laid by as a provision for future years: and she couldnot live upon knick-knacks, laced handkerchiefs, and kidgloves. She felt the frivolity of pleasure and longed formore substantial benefits.

　　At this juncture news arrived which was spread amongthe many creditors of the Colonel at Paris, and whichcaused them great satisfaction. Miss Crawley, the richaunt from whom he expected his immense inheritance,was dying; the Colonel must haste to her bedside. Mrs.Crawley and her child would remain behind until hecame to reclaim them. He departed for Calais, and havingreached that place in safety, it might have beensupposed that he went to Dover; but instead he took thediligence to Dunkirk, and thence travelled to Brussels,for which place he had a former predilection. The factis, he owed more money at London than at Paris; and hepreferred the quiet little Belgian city to either of the morenoisy capitals.

　　Her aunt was dead. Mrs. Crawley ordered the mostintense mourning for herself and little Rawdon. The Colonelwas busy arranging the affairs of the inheritance. Theycould take the premier now, instead of the little entresolof the hotel which they occupied. Mrs. Crawley and thelandlord had a consultation about the new hangings,an amicable wrangle about the carpets, and a final adjustmentof everything except the bill. She went off in oneof his carriages; her French bonne with her; the childby her side; the admirable landlord and landlady smilingfarewell to her from the gate. General Tufto was furiouswhen he heard she was gone, and Mrs. Brent furiouswith him for being furious; Lieutenant Spooney was cutto the heart; and the landlord got ready his best apartmentsprevious to the return of the fascinating littlewoman and her husband. He serred the trunks whichshe left in his charge with the greatest care. They had beenespecially recommended to him by Madame Crawley. Theywere not, however, found to be particularly valuablewhen opened some time after.

　　But before she went to join her husband in the Belgiccapital, Mrs. Crawley made an expedition into England,leaving behind her her little son upon the continent,under the care of her French maid.

　　The parting between Rebecca and the little Rawdon didnot cause either party much pain. She had not, to saytruth, seen much of the young gentleman since his birth.After the amiable fashion of French mothers, she hadplaced him out at nurse in a village in the neighbourhoodof Paris, where little Rawdon passed the first months ofhis life, not unhappily, with a numerous family offoster-brothers in wooden shoes. His father would ride overmany a time to see him here, and the elder Rawdon'spaternal heart glowed to see him rosy and dirty,shouting lustily, and happy in the making of mud-piesunder the superintendence of the gardener's wife, hisnurse.

　　Rebecca did not care much to go and see the sonand heir. Once he spoiled a new dove-coloured pelisseof hers. He preferred his nurse's caresses to his mamma's,and when finally he quitted that jolly nurse and almostparent, he cried loudly for hours. He was only consoledby his mother's promise that he should return to his nursethe next day; indeed the nurse herself, who probablywould have been pained at the parting too, was told thatthe child would immediately be restored to her, and forsome time awaited quite anxiously his return.

　　In fact, our friends may be said to have been amongthe first of that brood of hardy English adventurers whohave subsequently invaded the Continent and swindledin all the capitals of Europe. The respect in those happydays of 1817-18 was very great for the wealth andhonour of Britons. They had not then learned, as I amtold, to haggle for bargains with the pertinacity whichnow distinguishes them. The great cities of Europe hadnot been as yet open to the enterprise of our rascals.And whereas there is now hardly a town of France orItaly in which you shall not see some noble countrymanof our own, with that happy swagger and insolenceof demeanour which we carry everywhere, swindlinginn-landlords, passing fictitious cheques upon credulousbankers, robbing coach-makers of their carriages, goldsmithsof their trinkets, easy travellers of their money at cards,even public libraries of their books--thirty years ago youneeded but to be a Milor Anglais, travelling in a privatecarriage, and credit was at your hand wherever you choseto seek it, and gentlemen, instead of cheating, werecheated. It was not for some weeks after the Crawleys'departure that the landlord of the hotel which theyoccupied during their residence at Paris found out the losseswhich he had sustained: not until Madame Marabou, themilliner, made repeated visits with her little bill forarticles supplied to Madame Crawley; not until MonsieurDidelot from Boule d'Or in the Palais Royal had askedhalf a dozen times whether cette charmante Miladi whohad bought watches and bracelets of him was de retour.It is a fact that even the poor gardener's wife, whohad nursed madame's child, was never paid after thefirst six months for that supply of the milk of humankindness with which she had furnished the lusty andhealthy little Rawdon. No, not even the nurse was paid--the Crawleys were in too great a hurry to remembertheir trifling debt to her. As for the landlord of the hotel,his curses against the English nation were violent for therest of his natural life. He asked all travellers whetherthey knew a certain Colonel Lor Crawley--avec safemme une petite dame, tres spirituelle. "Ah,Monsieur!" he would add--"ils m'ont affreusement vole." Itwas melancholy to hear his accents as he spoke of thatcatastrophe.

　　Rebecca's object in her journey to London was toeffect a kind of compromise with her husband's numerouscreditors, and by offering them a dividend of ninepenceor a shilling in the pound, to secure a return for him intohis own country. It does not become us to trace the stepswhich she took in the conduct of this most difficultnegotiation; but, having shown them to their satisfactionthat the sum which she was empowered to offer was allher husband's available capital, and having convincedthem that Colonel Crawley would prefer a perpetualretirement on the Continent to a residence in this countrywith his debts unsettled; having proved to them that therewas no possibility of money accruing to him from otherquarters, and no earthly chance of their getting a largerdividend than that which she was empowered to offer,she brought the Colonel's creditors unanimously toaccept her proposals, and purchased with fifteen hundredpounds of ready money more than ten times that amountof debts.

　　Mrs. Crawley employed no lawyer in the transaction.The matter was so simple, to have or to leave, as shejustly observed, that she made the lawyers of thecreditors themselves do the business. And Mr. Lewisrepresenting Mr. Davids, of Red Lion Square, and Mr. Mossacting for Mr. Manasseh of Cursitor Street (chiefcreditors of the Colonel's), complimented his lady upon thebrilliant way in which she did business, and declaredthat there was no professional man who could beat her.

　　Rebecca received their congratulations with perfectmodesty; ordered a bottle of sherry and a bread caketo the little dingy lodgings where she dwelt, whileconducting the business, to treat the enemy's lawyers:shook hands with them at parting, in excellent goodhumour, and returned straightway to the Continent, torejoin her husband and son and acquaint the formerwith the glad news of his entire liberation. As for thelatter, he had been considerably neglected during hismother's absence by Mademoiselle Genevieve, her Frenchmaid; for that young woman, contracting an attachmentfor a soldier in the garrison of Calais, forgot her chargein the society of this militaire, and little Rawdon verynarrowly escaped drowning on Calais sands at thisperiod, where the absent Genevieve had left and losthim.

　　And so, Colonel and Mrs. Crawley came to London:and it is at their house in Curzon Street, May Fair, thatthey really showed the skill which must be possessed bythose who would live on the resources above named.